not sure if i should talk to my mom or not

[onthebound]

so my mom and i haven't spoken in a while. between her severe lack of parenting skills throughout my and my younger brothers' lives, physical and emotional abuse and the psychotic, abusive boyfriend she's refused to leave, i just couldn't take it anymore. i kept giving her chance after chance after chance to step up and act like a mother, and she failed every single time. so i pretty much told her to leave me alone.

 

but.. she's my mother, and i kinda miss her. at least i think i do, but it may just be me missing the idea of what she's supposed to be rather than what she actually is. a friend of mine has suggested that i should contact her, but only view her as just another person, rather than my mother.. because she hasn't earned that title.. and to tell her that i can't promise anything more than a phone call here and there.

 

but i honestly don't know if i should bother. i can't seem to decide if it's worth it or not. i don't want to hear about or be involved in her drama, i just wanna know that she's okay and trying to improve her life.

 

so.. any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[ledi]

you probably love your mother because she is actually your mum. I had an abusive mum and i cant bring myself to leave her behind - it's nature, some biological thing.

 

Perhaps what you need to think about is whether or not it's better for you to live with or without her. Would having an unfulfilling relationship with your mother and being dissapointed over and over again be better or worse than missing her?

 

Both these situations sound tough, but you sound like you're able to think things through which is a good sign.

[shes2smart]

Well, what if she's NOT trying to improve her life? Would you want to know about it then?

 

I haven't spoken to my parents in about 10 years now. Long story short - my mom's always been a bubble off plumb and about 10 years ago there was an incident that was so crazy, ridiculous, insulting and hurtful that I decided my life would be better without my parents in it.

 

The only regret I have about that decision is that I didn't make it sooner.

 

If you aren't willing to accept her as she is, where she is, as if she will NEVER change, then I suspect any interaction you have with her is going to be.....ah...disappointing at best.

 

So, as your friend suggested, forget for the moment that she's your mom. If she was some random person, would you be able to accept the drama and whatever other trainwrecks make up her life? Is that someone you'd want to include in your life?

[onthebound]

you probably love your mother because she is actually your mum. I had an abusive mum and i cant bring myself to leave her behind - it's nature, some biological thing.

 

Perhaps what you need to think about is whether or not it's better for you to live with or without her. Would having an unfulfilling relationship with your mother and being dissapointed over and over again be better or worse than missing her?

 

Both these situations sound tough, but you sound like you're able to think things through which is a good sign.

 

i don't know. i don't want to have an actual relationship with her, i don't think. i just want to know that she's still alive, i guess. but i suppose i could attain that information from other people.

[onthebound]

Well, what if she's NOT trying to improve her life? Would you want to know about it then?

 

that's actually a good point. i kindof already know, at least to some degree, that she hasn't changed much. i'd heard she might've left the boyfriend and moved in with a friend of her's, so the other day a friend of mine and i drove by the boyfriend's house, just to see.. and her car was still there. last time she tried to contact me, i told her until she's left him and made some kind of effort to better herself and her life that she should just forget about me.

 

so.. i guess i'm not gonna talk to her.

 

i just want a mom. is that so much to ask?

[BriarRose]

I would not contact her.