My Birthday is Today; NC for 11 months; Please help

[AFriendInNeed]

Dear friends,

 

I know I haven't posted here in a while but I guess I'm stuck once again.

 

For those of you who don't know or remember my story, I broke up with GF 11 months ago and since have had literally NC. I did however, text her on her birthday to say happy birthday and good wishes. No response. And no contact for the next 4 months up to this point (now 11 months).

 

I'm debating whether to send her the following e-mail:

 

Dear GF,

It's my birthday today and I wish I was spending it with you. I think about you all the time and I still miss you Very much.

Love,

Always and Forever,

AFriendInNeed

 

Thoughts? This is indeed how I feel and I think on a very real level it can't hurt to just do it and e-mail her; however, one further consideration is that there is a fair to good chance she will contact (probably text) me today to say happy birthday, as I texted her on her birthday. So maybe I should wait?

 

We were together practically 6 years. And split right after we graduated college, right before we were about to realize our dream of moving in together. We were(/are?) Very much in love. And I still love her, I still miss her, and I still think about her daily, sometimes almost all day, and almost always feeling sad when I start thinking about her and missing her.

 

Advice? What should I do? Please help.

 

Sincerely,

AFriendInNeed

[cruzer]

It does hurt to send it because your still thinking about her, you still have her email, and your still stuck.

 

You wont get over her with her # in ur phone and her email on your computer.

 

Its very hard to do, but u have to stop thinking about her. Every time u start to think about her, change your thoughts instantly. 11 months man come on, your stronger than this, you deserve someone better who wont break your heart.

 

Realize that to reach happiness again, you have to get over her...

[Ms Darcy]

Healing is a process that does not only happen in time. You have to work on it. You are not healing because you are not working to move on. She is not your gf. She is your ex gf. I think at 11 months you need to make a decision and that is to believe that it is over and that she no longer loves you in that way. So now, how can you find yourself and improve yourself with that knowledge? Best of luck.

[AFriendInNeed]

I am working hard to move on. I've had a relationship since then, I've improved myself, and experienced a lot I hadn't before. I guess it's just that I'm stuck in this mode where we left things are technically we were 'taking a break', not breaking up. I think I've never been able to let go of that in my mind. I think I need to contact her, whether it be for closure or for a reconcilliation, I think it's the right next step.

 

Thoughts?

[AFriendInNeed]

new version of the e-mail that might and probably will be sent today:

 

Dear GF,

 

It's my birthday today and I wish I could be spending it with you. I think about you every day and I still miss you, Very much. All I want for you is sincere happiness. Know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

 

Love,

Always and Forever,

 

AFIN

[iBroken]

Please do not send this

 

This is not a great birthday gift to yourself.

 

The strongest message is said with silence. Just dont even reach out to her. Try to surround yourself with friends.

[uncomfynumb]

Happy Birthday! Chins up now! You have a lot to be thankful for so try and focus on those things.

 

((hugs))

[FrenchFries]

No, no...please don't send that.

 

Happy Birthday. Do you have any friends or family to spend the day with?

[FrenchFries]

I am working hard to move on. I've had a relationship since then, I've improved myself, and experienced a lot I hadn't before. I guess it's just that I'm stuck in this mode where we left things are technically we were 'taking a break', not breaking up. I think I've never been able to let go of that in my mind. I think I need to contact her, whether it be for closure or for a reconcilliation, I think it's the right next step.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think at this point - 11 months no communication from her, it's safe to say this is a break-up not a break. Accepting that I believe is the right next step.

[Cadence44]

Since you were the dumper and you've been thinking about doing this for months now, I wholeheartedly think that you need to do this. Whether it's to finally let it go or to see if there's a future.

 

I would add a sentence of sincere apology. I don't know... there's just something about no apology in your message but having "I wish I were spending it with you" which might come accross in a way where her automatic first thought is "well, that's your fault, buddy". You have to acknowledge that it is because of your decision that she's not there with you.

[iBroken]

^ Agreed

 

This was not a break - this was a break up but she was too much of a coward to give you the memo.

 

Happy Birthday - try to enjoy your day.

[Cadence44]

p.s. Happy Birthday!

[JonasWaingaro]

Happy B'day. =)

 

I re-read your story a bit as I was confused. Since you dumped her, forget wishing yourself a happy birthday and just say you're sorry. If you want her back it's all on you. Will she come back at this point? Hard to say. I'm 12months out after being dumped with fairly solid NC for ~10months. My exes b'day was last week, I ignored it much as she ignored mine. (good for you not doing that!) So I'm in your exes shoes in some sense, and if my ex emailed to wish herself a happy birthday and lament not being with me, I'd be pissed. Like huh?! Now if she emailed to say she was sorry, I'd be all ears. What would happen, dunno. A year allows for a helluva lot of perspective.

[Ms Darcy]

Happy B'day. =)

 

I re-read your story a bit as I was confused. Since you dumped her, forget wishing yourself a happy birthday and just say you're sorry. If you want her back it's all on you. Will she come back at this point? Hard to say. I'm 12months out after being dumped with fairly solid NC for ~10months. My exes b'day was last week, I ignored it much as she ignored mine. (good for you not doing that!) So I'm in your exes shoes in some sense, and if my ex emailed to wish herself a happy birthday and lament not being with me, I'd be pissed. Like huh?! Now if she emailed to say she was sorry, I'd be all ears. What would happen, dunno. A year allows for a helluva lot of perspective.

 

I think all the focus on birthdays is too much. 6 months after an ex and I broke up, I couldn't even remember his birthday.

[AFriendInNeed]

Let me start of by being brutally honest with you all.

 

Yesterday was one of the best days I had in a long time. I made some sales at my job. I got in touch with a cute new girl I'll be seeing soon. I did a yoga class and got dinner with my cousin just back from India. Great day. Period.

 

I got home, and without understanding why it was happening. I got into bed, and started to feel unbearably sad. I started to cry. I couldn't help it and I couldn't understand it. How could I feel so sad after such a wonderful day?

 

Overcome with feelings, I had already typed out the prospective e-mail I'd send to my EX-gf. Thankfully, one of my best friends intervened and was somehow still awake and online. Since he and my ex had had a major falling out while I was still with my ex, I haven't really talked to him much or AT ALL about my ex since we split up. I guess in part because of the bad feelings between them. But nonetheless, I bared all, and talked to him about it.

 

What a great friend. He completely put any feelings he might have had aside and gave me some solid time, comfort, and advise. He told me that what mattered most to him was my happiness. He told me that, unknowingly, over the last 11 months I've been in a state of indecision. He said I either need to accept that I want my EX back and pursue it, or STOP thinking about it and just let go. I need to let go.

 

It took me a while to realize that significance of all this. (Especially since I was at the point of breaking down and finally contacting my EX.)

 

After reading your responses, I think the choice is clear. I need to move on. I can cross the bridge of if and when she contacts me when I come to it. Now is for me. Today is MY birthday, and the BEST birthday present I can give to myself is to LET GO.

 

Let go of my sadness. Let go of my depression. Let go of my feelings of loss and absense and missing my ex. "If you open yourself to loss, you are at one with loss, and you can accept it, COMPLETELY."

 

I always thought that I knew what that meant. But I didn't. I thought I has already accepted loss, but in reality, I was still holding on to the idea that me and EX were just on a break and our reunion was eminent. I now know the truth. I need to open myself to loss. The fact that I have lost. And then I can be at one with it. And accept it. COMPLETELY. And move on. And LET GO.

 

It's funny that it took my birthday for me to realize it. It took me 11 months to realize it. But i need to let go. I need to stop thinking about the things as if they were MONTHS ago when we had just broken up. As Ms Darcy said, time isn't the only thing that heals. You also need to work at it. I thought I was doing that. But really, I was just working at hanging on to the past.

 

It IS the past. It's time to move on. It's to get going. What lies ahead I have no way of knowing. Under my feet the grass is growing. It's time to move on. Its time to get going.

 

Thank you to all of you for your advise. If I don't hear from my Ex today, I may, regardless, contact her soon for closure. But not for a reconcilliation. It's time to move on. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to not only say that, but to accept it. COMPELTELY.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

A Friend In Need...is a friend indeed

[Cadence44]

I'm happy you've found the strength to move on from her. However, you can't have it both ways. You lost me toward the end:

 

Whatever you do, do not contact her for "closure" - you can get closure on your own and from the sounds of the above, it seems you're on your way. If you're moving on, truly MOVE ON.

 

Do you understand what a slap in the face it would be to her to have the guy who ended the relationship and broke her heart contact her after 11 months of her healing only in order to gain closure for himself? Don't contact her unless you want to work things out. To contact her otherwise would be cruel, for now and in the near future.

[watershipdown]

Happy birthday! I hope you did not send it. I sent the exact same thing to my ex and it was the worst mistake of my life. I sent him a text saying "I wish you were with me today, it feels incomplete without you." or something and although we were talking as friends at the time (he even called to say happy birthday at midnight) after getting that text things changed horribly. After that, he turned extremely sour to me and started avoiding me. The friendship was gone.