Just don't know What happens next.

[MatthewS]

I won't get into much detail about my past situation with me Ex. We were once, and are no more. So be it.

 

I am now 33 years old, and have not been single this long since the age of 15. I was fortunate to have loved and been loved on a consistant basis, and am thankful for that. I always took my fair share of time to heal, but it never took long and I was back to being loved again. I could have stood to do without the losses though, but I know they were not to be or they would still be, correct?

 

I broke up with my Ex last May. This past May was the 1yr anniversary of our breakup, and of all the ones I was unsure enough of to not go out and buy a ring, this one I did. I never got to give it to her before some things took place that made me decide to turn back.

 

I went NC with her so abruptly that I changed my locks, ignored the contact attempts, and shipped her effects carefully packaged to her home. I simply refused to allow her closure. I refused her the opportunity to say goodbye to the apartment we shared for over two years, or my cat, and even me. I left the woman I miss to this day over a telephone line. I had my reasons for doing so, and now it is over.

 

After this occoured I worked diligently to remain busy, focused on self improvement, and move forward with my life. I am almost to the point where I am ready to try again, and I know I am ready to date. I'm just not ready to get serious yet. I have been very careful, very deliberate, and understand this process well. I took a long time to heal from this one just to be sure. But some things are on my mind this morning, and I want to share and ask for feedback. ENA Has helped me learn a lot just by silently reading. It's time to come forward.

 

Recently, without even thinking deliberately about her; I have been having random dreams and she is in them. I have had these before shortly after a heartbreak, but I have never went an entire year after and then started having them. I am hoping for some insight from someone who has experienced this before in regards to this. Is it normal? Is there something I needed to do that I didn't? Is it a sign? Why now?

 

The other thing that is really bothering me is how many times this has happened to me. I went through all the 'never love again' motions most people do, then I managed to love again. Looking back and thinking to myself 'how many people are ever loved in their lifetimes?' and I was loved so many; I have to wonder if my chances have run out.

 

You see, some of the best years of my life are gone now. I know I can still enjoy life from here on, but not in the same youthful charismatic manner. And I really wanted to to be with someone right now I could look back on those times with together. But all those people are gone now. I am worried that I am becoming afraid to 'launch' at age 33. I never had a 'grocery list for life' so I never rushed the idea of marriage, etc. Now I'm beginning to wonder if my 'let the chips fall where they may' attitude has gotten me here in the first place.

 

The lonliness doesn't help much either. I won't let it get the best of me and rush me towards anything, but at the same time it would be nice to have someone on my arm to go see the new Karate Kid; even if it turn out to be a horrible movie. But I have no clue how to meet new people at this point in my life. And that brings me to another can of worms.

 

How do I reach out and put myself out there at the age of 33? I hate to keep going back to the number, because I know a lot of people find love in their 60's. But the reality is my situation isn't the same. Those people generally socialize. What few friends I have left have settled down. They have no viable single friends in my opinion, so a 'hookup' is out of the question there.

 

And as for a bar scene, that's just not my thing. I drink socially, and would prefer to remain so. I don't want to go and drink to be social. I do love to dance, and I can still pull off the club because I'm very young looking for my age so I don't feel out of place. I dance well, but am intimidated by approaching a new woman, especially when most of them are there for the wrong reasons. Take it from me, You don't want to meet a girl at the club. They are not looking for a future there.

 

Then there is the idea of the workplace. I do contracted work that requires very little social interaction. So this is of no help either. In total, I might interact with 5-6 people per week, total.

 

So my lifestyle, while I feel there is nothing wrong with it, puts me at a disadvantage for meeting people. I am comfortable in my living and only have to work 1 day a week to fulfill my contracts. So I have been so starved for human interaction that I've seriously considered a BS job just to interact with more people. Hell I would work a McDonalds drive through just to see more new faces if it really comes down to it.

 

I have always been a social butterfly once comfortable with my surroundings, and this past year it seems like it's just been me and my cat. I am not use to this aspect of life, and I loathe it. And now I don't know what happens next, thus the title of this thread.

 

I have always looked very young for my age, so I tend to attract younger girls while the older more mature ones overlook me immediately. Some when approached are in shock to learn how old I am. This too puts me at a disadvantage.

 

And to ice the cake, I have no concept of when a woman likes me. Most of my past GF's literally chased me around. A lot of women like the man to make the first move, and if I can't tell what the body language is saying, I don't make any moves. And I simply suck beyond belief at reading a womans body language aside from the 'second glance' rule, which may be total urban myth BS for all I know. So I never really act on a second glance.

 

So I'm a total mess at the moment and I'm sorry if this seems vague and scattered. I don't know how much road I have ahead of me, I don't have a lot of guidance, I'm tired of feeling like I somehow failed at all of this. I don't know why my ex is poping up in my mind all of the sudden when it's long over with, and I have no idea how to meet new people right now.

 

I did manage to run into a woman at one of my job sites who manages. Shes so beautiful to me that I can barely look her in the eye. But she is over a decade younger than me. I know age is just a number, but that woman has no idea what she wants at her age, she only thinks she does. So even if I could get past the awe she strikes in me, my rationale would be hammering words like 'absolutely not!' into my brain until I completely ignored her.

 

I was going to anonymously send her flowers with a small note of compliment just to get it off my chest, and move on. I may still do so. I think it's a shame a woman like her is single, somebody should make her feel special, even if they have no intentions. Maybe she will think they are from a co-worker shes been flirting with and it will lead to something good for them It's a win-win-win for all of us.

 

Enough of my ranting. You get the picture. Insight, advice, stories, and wisdom are all welcomed. ENA has never let me down, please don't start now. I need you guys!

 

- Matt

[mca1975]

Hello there Matt, well I'm 35 now and I have just walked out of a relationship that I thought was forever, but we had a lot of issues we couldn't get over and it transpired that we had many differences and I had started to dislike his personality to a certain extent. We lost a baby together and then it was all over. I left our gorgeous home in the country and am now living in a room. I am now pregnant again but with someone else's baby very soon after but please don't judge me on that, it was an accident but I am pleased b/c I want a baby in my life.

 

Anyway, back to you. I think that at the age of 33 upwards, we really start to look back on our lives and try and figure our what went wrong and we start worrying slightly and making a plan for the future. This is totally natural. It is hard to leave a relationship in your 30's (or to not have one going on by then) because that is the age that society says we should have one along with a house and possibly a baby, a family. It is natural to want that at our age. Unfortunately in this day and age (and even my doctor has said this), things don't happen the way they used to. It is much harder for people to meet people these days and everyone seems very insecure to me, men find it harder to approach women nowadays, woman concentrate on their careers more rather than being settled and married with children by the time they are 25. Times have changed and yes, it's a little depressing, lol.

 

At our age, we get fed up with going out drinking and partying. I have certainly done my fair share of that and have had the best times, but it no longer appeals to me. I want a family and I want my baby so much because I want to nurture and see my son/daughter grow and be a mother basically.

 

I think you are evaluating what you need in your life, because something is missing. It might help you to know that there are MILLIONS of other people the same age as you in the same boat. It is not uncommon. People even older than 33 leave their unhappy relationships every day and are faced with the loneliness of being single. I live with two people in the age bracket of 29 - 35 who are single and living in a room also. I have quite a few close friends who are nearing 30 and who are still single. I know of people aged 37 and up who are single now. It's very hard.

 

What matters is friends and family and keeping busy, enjoying activities and eating well. Don't give up on yourself being that lively person you know you are. This is just a phase, get a plan together and make it happen.

 

As regards the dreams about your ex, I can totally relate. I have dreams sometimes about my first love who I was with when I was aged 15 - 21, I am now 35. Imagine how confused, I am that I am having a dream about the guy I was with 15 years ago! lol. It wasn't the best relationships and I was very affected by his behaviour. I always dream that I am still in the relationship with him but I'm not comfortable, I want out. It's not the nicest dream, lol.

 

Just goes to show when we get hurt, it stays with us forever.

[MatthewS]

Hello there Matt, well I'm 35 now and I have just walked out of a relationship that I thought was forever, but we had a lot of issues we couldn't get over and it transpired that we had many differences and I had started to dislike his personality to a certain extent. We lost a baby together and then it was all over. I left our gorgeous home in the country and am now living in a room. I am now pregnant again but with someone else's baby very soon after but please don't judge me on that, it was an accident but I am pleased b/c I want a baby in my life.

 

I would never judge another persons decisions with their own lives. You have what you wanted and i'm happy for you, no matter how it came about. I am also sorry to hear about your relationship. The 'forever knife' cuts deep when we lose that one.

 

Anyway, back to you. I think that at the age of 33 upwards, we really start to look back on our lives and try and figure our what went wrong and we start worrying slightly and making a plan for the future. This is totally natural. It is hard to leave a relationship in your 30's (or to not have one going on by then) because that is the age that society says we should have one along with a house and possibly a baby, a family. It is natural to want that at our age. Unfortunately in this day and age (and even my doctor has said this), things don't happen the way they used to. It is much harder for people to meet people these days and everyone seems very insecure to me, men find it harder to approach women nowadays, woman concentrate on their careers more rather than being settled and married with children by the time they are 25. Times have changed and yes, it's a little depressing, lol.

 

You said a mouthful sister. I've been trying to look back and figure out what went wrong for a lot longer than the 30's. But this time it seems to have a real solid impact on my daily life, so I guess I really am discovering this sincerely for the first time. And your whole 'society says' thing is what I meant by my 'grocery list for life' analogy. It seems 90% of the populous has this time line in their head and this list, and they need to have it all checked off on scedule or they somehow failed. I never liked the idea much myself and think it simply contributes to the divorce and failure rate.

 

I actually appreciate a career oriented woman, strong and independent. Just as long as she remembers shes marrying me and not her job. I am willing to be equals with a woman although my values are more traditional. I am convinced I can have those family values in ways other than the A typical 'OK, you stay home and raise babies, and I'll work/support the family' Role. I see nothing impossible about being a man and a heroin in a modern day relationship, with a modern day woman.

 

Just because we are equals in life, does not mean I cannot be a masculine figure, or even chivalrous at times. And she can certainly remain feminine by all means while being a strong woman I guess what I'm trying to convey in retort to the modernization of relationships and traditional values going by the wayside; Is that I believe those who want something traditional can 'adapt' and obtain it. Tradition doesn't need to be forgotten about, just satisfied by other means if you understand what I mean.

 

Because that's another can of worms for me. I want a traditional relationship, but I also want an independent woman. A lot of people think this is impossible. I think they are stuck thinking inside the box myself or merely refuse to try. But that is another rant and another topic

 

I agree that people in general are becoming more insecure. I also wouldn't be so intimidated on approaching a stranger I found appealing if I didn't already know in the back of my mind that before I was 3 steps from reaching the front of her; She already had her mind made up. Which is unreasonable in my mind. The greater majority of Women I met in my life knew within moments if I was datable criteria to them or not, and sometimes without even speaking to me. I cannot tell you that if I make it to the second question out of her mouth and it's 'So what do you do?' how much I want to throw a drink in her face and call her a gold digger. Attempting to gauge my income directly after learning my name is a giant red flag for me. I walked away from the last woman who tried that. Some will defend it with the 'small talk' retort. I simply refuse to believe They can't think of anything better than that to ask me next.

 

I can only speak of women to contribute here, perhaps you can speak of what intimidates you about men. Maybe we can learn from each other and all have a greater understanding from this. I think there is too much first impression criteria and too many rules of engagement when approaching a woman. That is my take on male insecurity in regards to making the first move. I think if a man knew he wouldn't be judged until he at least had the time to make your aquaintence, there would be a great deal of weight off his shoulders when facing you. I can back this up by telling you up front I can approach ANY woman and hit it off with them if I don't get an 'attraction feeling' towards them. Because at that point I'm no longer anxious about the approach or the judgement. If I lay eyes on you and there is something about you that gets to me, I freeze up like a 5yr old. And while that might be my problem to deal with, you have to wonder where it came from

 

At our age, we get fed up with going out drinking and partying. I have certainly done my fair share of that and have had the best times, but it no longer appeals to me. I want a family and I want my baby so much because I want to nurture and see my son/daughter grow and be a mother basically.

 

I understand this completely. I have to admit, I would still take my partner dancing. I just love the scene too much to ever give it up, but that's what babysitters are for. I have been a dad for 10 years now and I can tell you from personal experience that being a parent does not mean forgetting yourself. It simply means you have someone to put before yourself. You may one day get the itch to go out for some drinks once again, and being a mother won't prohibit that.

 

I think you are evaluating what you need in your life, because something is missing. It might help you to know that there are MILLIONS of other people the same age as you in the same boat. It is not uncommon. People even older than 33 leave their unhappy relationships every day and are faced with the loneliness of being single. I live with two people in the age bracket of 29 - 35 who are single and living in a room also. I have quite a few close friends who are nearing 30 and who are still single. I know of people aged 37 and up who are single now. It's very hard.

 

I know I'm not alone, but it's still comforting to hear from someone else; So I don't think I'm just talking myself out of panic mode. I still don't understand why there is no ongoing, and decent way for people like us to collide somewhere on a regular basis.

 

What matters is friends and family and keeping busy, enjoying activities and eating well. Don't give up on yourself being that lively person you know you are. This is just a phase, get a plan together and make it happen.

 

That's the current occupation when not otherwise pre-occupied. But part of that plan is some casual dating and I'm choking here.

 

As regards the dreams about your ex, I can totally relate. I have dreams sometimes about my first love who I was with when I was aged 15 - 21, I am now 35. Imagine how confused, I am that I am having a dream about the guy I was with 15 years ago! lol. It wasn't the best relationships and I was very affected by his behaviour. I always dream that I am still in the relationship with him but I'm not comfortable, I want out. It's not the nicest dream, lol.

 

Mine become difficult because we are actually happy and still together.. only forward more in the future. Like i'm still moving right along with 'us' in my subconcious, and every now and then I get a glimpse. It's bizarre. Perhaps this is just another side effect of denying us closure.

 

Just goes to show when we get hurt, it stays with us forever.

 

Yes it does. In one way or another.

 

I appreciate the time you took to write all that out. All sound advice, and good reassurance. It means a lot to me.

 

I welcome any more opinions, thoughts, retorts, etc from anyone.

 

- Matt

[Etoile]

Hi Matt

 

I've read your post and I'm not sure I can help. I'm just going to offer my opinion anyway! You're dreaming about your ex a year later and you are disturbed by this. The thing is though you are talking about how you might have missed out in the settling down stakes, all your friends are attached. You say earlier in your post that you are not looking for anything serious right now but everything else you write suggests that you do (e.g. not wanting to meet girls at clubs, put off approaching the 23 y/o you met because she probably doesn't know what she wants). Perhaps you are thinking now about the future, something serious and your ex was the only girl you have seriously thought about marrying. So I think it's only natural that you are having these dreams. It doesn't mean you want your ex back that's not what I'm trying to say.

 

You say generally younger women approach you but could that be that maybe you are attracted to younger women more than women your age? I only say this because I think these women wouldn't approach you if they hadn't picked up some signals from you that you were interested.

 

If you want to meet women have you thought about joining social groups or volunteering?

[MatthewS]

I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and reply, but you have me and the majority of my statements greatly misunderstood. Thank you for your opinion and your time.

 

- Matt