LDR gone amuck months ago, still reeling. Responses VERY welcome!

[hmmwhoknows]

So, I've posted on here a few times, but have primarily been doing the private message thing recently.

 

Quick recap: I met my ex last summer while on vacation in Croatia. We were neighbors on a boat trip. Immediately sparks were flying, I have never felt chemistry like that. I'm 23, and had been single at that point for 3 years. She had also been single for a while, 2 years. She is 25.

 

We didn't especially rush, we went our separate ways but kept in contact for the next 2 months. We planned a trip to Spain, met up with each other again, and decided to start a long distance relationship (She's Australian, I'm American). We both agreed after the breakup that the trip was the happiest week of our lives.

 

In December, she bought a plane ticket to come see me in March (I had the confirmation #, everything. It was real). Early February, she dumped me, citing many of my 'flaws,' but not having much reason to break up with me aside from them. It was very surprising and hurtful. Still, I didn't say anything dumb, or beg her. I've been dumped before, and I know how NOT to act. She made her decision, and I respected it.

 

No contact to speak of for several months. Although I sent her a letter in April, there was no response, so I tried calling her in May. She didn't answer, but called me back the next day and we talked for 4 hours. She has a new boyfriend, the one she dumped me for (I managed to finally get that info out of her). I should point out that this girl would never cheat on anyone, she is not promiscuous and believes in fidelity. Actually, they were on a break at that point, but presumably have worked things out since then. Overall the experience was positive, once we got the serious stuff out of the way we chatted for hours. Quite odd. We get along marvelously, and I was once again reminded of why I fell in love with her. She then added me on Facebook. There were no photos of her new life, but then again she's not really active online. Last week she deactivated herself, I don't know why. Before she deactivated, we had exchanged occasional messages, and I 'suggested' fan pages to her, which she promptly joined (we have very similar interests, especially regarding travel).

 

Limited contact ever since. One would think that I would have gotten over her by now, and indeed I've been doing my best. However, I remain completely in love, against all common sense. I only actually saw her physically for 2 weeks in my life, and that alone should convince me that I didn't know this person. But I did know her, as much as many couples that see each other everyday do. She hasn't led me on, she made it clear that she has moved on. I sent her a package with a couple items: Camel cigarettes and a Zippo lighter. Apparently Camels are hard to get there, and she has recently started smoking the occasional cigarette. I am a Camel man (yeah yeah, I know it's bad for me), so when she complained about the lack of this item I quickly put them in the mail to her. She texted me when she received the package, and was quite happy and excited to receive it.

 

In our last exchange of emails, she stated that she had no regrets over dating me, and that she wouldn't change the past. I responded by pointing out that I do have regret, that I NEVER would have started a LDR if I had known I would never see the person again. I also stated that my offer to visit Australia, just to see how we felt face to face, still stood. She didn't respond, and I don't think she will. C'est la vie.

 

The whole situation feels unnatural, even after all this time I feel like we were meant to be. It's the closest thing to 'love at first sight' I have ever experienced. I may be young, but I have had plenty of chances to date girls that I did not act on, simply because my heart was not in it. This girl took my heart practically the first time I saw her.

 

I haven't dated anyone since, the thought of it almost makes me cringe. Had a one night stand and felt terrible about it.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking here... I guess it would be nice if anyone could relate to this? I'm not asking how to get back together with her, because that seems unattainable (although I think I will always be open to the idea). I don't know why I started initiating contact with her in the first place. Everything is very confusing.

 

PLEASE RESPOND! I've posted before and my thread gradually goes to the bottom of the list, and then is forgotten. Help me out y'all.

[JusticeLaw9]

Don't shoot the responder, but personally I've never been a believer in a long distance relationship working out. Have you tried dating someone within your area?

[hmmwhoknows]

I've never had much faith in LDRs either... then again, my older sister just got married to her boyfriend from England after dating for years. I was the best man, and trust me, it can work out very well. She moves to London this summer.

 

No, I haven't tried dating anyone since we broke up, simply because I'm not ready and am uninterested. But in the past, the only people I've dated were local.

 

BTW, I realize now that my original post is a bit too long. It's hard to make it succinct!

[JusticeLaw9]

I've never had much faith in LDRs either... then again, my older sister just got married to her boyfriend from England after dating for years. I was the best man, and trust me, it can work out very well. She moves to London this summer.

 

No, I haven't tried dating anyone since we broke up, simply because I'm not ready and am uninterested. But in the past, the only people I've dated were local.

 

BTW, I realize now that my original post is a bit too long. It's hard to make it succinct!

 

They just don't work in my opinion. How can you really have a fulfilling relationship with someone who's so far away? It'd be different if it was a temporary term; something to do with work or an ill family member Lord forbid. But I just can't see myself dating someone so far away and not being able to see them or have an intimate connection with them.

[hmmwhoknows]

Well they can work. My sister is proof of it. By the same token, I am proof that they can fail. It takes a hell of a lot of blind faith though.

[Clarity]

I've been dumped before, and I know how NOT to act. She made her decision, and I respected it.

 

... is in direct contradiction with...

 

No contact to speak of for several months. Although I sent her a letter in April, there was no response, so I tried calling her in May.

 

... unless you just wanted to be friends with her with no hope of reconciliation. You contacted her again after no interest from her end. Why? Purely friendship? Hopes of rekindling something...

 

 

Limited contact ever since.

 

 

... and here's your answer. You initiate all the contact. She responds enough to be courteous (she sounds like a nice enough person). She's not interested in dating you - you need to come to terms with that and move on. Date others - it makes the memories fade a lot faster.

 

What is making it difficult for you is the romantic way in which the two of you spent your time. It was intense, beautiful, exotic, memorable - and you associate these, the happiest times of your life, with this woman. Look, she didn't create those times, it had as much to do with where you were and what you were doing as it did with her. If you did the same things with 50 other girls, you'd probably fall "in love" with at least 10 of them.

 

It's the same principle you see in action on those Bachelor and Bachelorette shows. Take people to exotic locales and send them on once-in-a-lifetime adventures as "dates" and of course sparks will fly - people who are happy, love what they're doing and where they are fall "in love" very easily and "deeply".

 

You just need to realize that you are in love with what this girl represents to you, rather than the girl herself - who you may like very much, but don't know nearly well enough to truly "love".

 

Get out there, date others. As one guy who has previously been infatuated as you are to another - it's the best remedy.

[hmmwhoknows]

I haven't initiated ALL contact. Seriously, she re-added me on Facebook, and for my generation that is a strange thing for an ex-girlfriend to do.

 

I hear what you're saying, clarity, and you are right to a large extent. But the fact remains that we maintained the relationship for several months without seeing each other, and always found new ways to relate, connect, and be intimate. We were each others best friends.

 

Really, it seems that since she bought the ticket at the end of December, and broke up with me the first week of February, she met this guy and forgot about me very fast (the distance not helping things any). She was very excited about seeing me when she bought the nonrefundable plane ticket.

 

I still think the connection and compatibility were solid. And I think that in the back of her mind, there are regrets. That doesn't matter at this point, but it may very well be the case.

[Cheetarah]

I think a relationship can only ideally sustain the distance for periods of time. That's been my experience, and I've gone through it twice. In both situations, there was so much arguing and whatnot because of the distance that when one of us made the move, we kind of lived off that happy honeymoon phase thing. Until the REAL issues settled in. And it's in my personal belief that when you have so much distance between you, those issues never get to surface until you've spent regular time with each other. They just don't come up. So, how much can you TRULY get to know a person?

 

I'm going to agree with Clarity. There is a certain 'high' off of meeting the way you did. It can be very fairy-tale like. And who doesn't totally fall in love with that? Kind of back to the old adage "in love with the idea of love".

 

LDRs are so flippin' hard. You always wonder, does the other person feel fulfilled? Do I? Are they going to get their jollies elsewhere? Am I?! You have to have a whole lot of trust and patience. For some, the POTENTIAL payout is not worth it(I say potential because many times, people have their feet permanently planted in their hometown). A lot of times I wanted to give up on those relationships before they truly got the chance to start. And I haven't done one since. Perhaps it was too much for her to bear mentally and emotionally.

 

It just really is more fulfilling to stay local.

[hmmwhoknows]

One thing is for certain, neither of us are firmly planted in our hometowns. She still wants to move away from Australia, to Europe. Her parents are Croatian and she has dual citizenship, so it's not that much of a stretch to her. I planned to get a job somewhere in Europe, maybe teaching English.

 

Yup, I don't think I'll try anything long distance again. Local is more fulfilling, for sure. I've just never felt about anyone local (aside from my high school ex, maybe) what I feel about this person.

[Cheetarah]

One thing is for certain, neither of us are firmly planted in our hometowns. She still wants to move away from Australia, to Europe. Her parents are Croatian and she has dual citizenship, so it's not that much of a stretch to her. I planned to get a job somewhere in Europe, maybe teaching English.

 

Yup, I don't think I'll try anything long distance again. Local is more fulfilling, for sure. I've just never felt about anyone local (aside from my high school ex, maybe) what I feel about this person.

 

Ok, but moving to be with someone ELSE is entirely different. I LOVE to travel, I've lived many places. But when it came down to making a move for my ex-ex, it scared the hell out of me and was something I put off for a long time.

 

I guess I am having difficulty wrapping my head around the idea that you could get to know her to such a degree over the phone/pc, with 2 weeks of actual in-person time. You said she pretty much had your heart from the first time you met her. How is that?

 

You know, I'm looking at what I write and I notice a pattern of seeming insensitivity. I'm sorry. That's not how I intend it to come accross, but it sort of is nonetheless.

 

I'm not downplaying what you feel. It is very real. I'm not suggesting you don't like her, or couldn't possibly. Clarity's post made a lot of sense to me(and is put more eloquently than I could). And that is about all I can offer.

[hmmwhoknows]

Mintiya,

 

She had my heart the first time I met her because we met in person. So many people in LDRs don't even have that. This was not a cyber romance.

Yes, I see how moving to be with someone can scare the hell out of a person. I was willing to move to Australia.

 

Don't worry, you're not being insensitive. You're being honest, and I appreciate that. That being said, you're saying things that I have already thought and digested for months. Yet I still come down the the same gut feeling (which I am hoping will subside so that I can put into action the logic you are suggesting).

 

Thanks for all that you can offer.

[Cheetarah]

I know. I met my ex when he lived here. His job transferred him to Boston a year later, and I followed maybe..9 months later. One of the scariest choices I've ever made, even though I wouldn't think twice about moving for myself or my job.

 

It's a little alarming to hear you say you'd(would have) move there. You've known each other less than a year and have spent no other time together than those 2 weeks. You ever hear the saying "Whatever starts in chaos, ends in chaos"? Well, yeah. It's very true. There's a certain high off of a rushed, intense relationship. Being physically and emotionally intimate too quickly, etc. It's addicting, even, that rush. It sounds kinda like your deal. I believe in instant connections, yep. Infatuation, check. Crazy sexual chemistry, alright. But love reveals itself on both ends, slowly.

 

I hope you find peace for yourself. There's wonderful women right in your hometown waiting to pounce on a sweet, kind man such as yourself. Just go slow whenever you're ready.

[Clarity]

The point here is, even if you think there is hope for you two, there is no gain in pining for her and not dating others. That is why you're here, isn't it? Because the status quo isn't working.

 

Even if you believe that through some karmic fate you two are meant to be, then go on with your life and, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen. You'll get back in touch, one of you will be relocated to the other, or whatever magic is supposed to happen.

 

However, realistically, that will not happen and she is just a short chapter in your life that you need to move on from. That starts with dating others, spending time with friends, and generally forgetting about her. I know it sounds harsh, but it sounds like she is well ahead of you in that department.

[hmmwhoknows]

Actually, from what I understand, she's abandoned her oldest friends because they are opposed to her new relationship and don't trust her boyfriend. She explained it to me in her last email. I don't know if that means much, but that's what she's done. It almost seems to me that she's regressing. Meanwhile, I have had a wonderful time with my close knit group of friends recently.

 

I will date others. Just not now. I'm not ready yet. That doesn't mean I don't go out or do anything social, it just means that I am not interested in opening up to a girl right now, or for a while.

 

No, the status quo is not working in that I'm still heartbroken. That will only change with time. I'm just trying to understand, and wondering if other people can relate (especially those who have been in long distance relationships).

[britomart]

I wouldn't say your intentions were out-of-the-ordinary. You felt/feel an intense emotional connection. She might have too - but distance is a monster of an obstacle, and if both parties don't feel the same way about making "sacrifices" then the relationship doesn't work.

[hmmwhoknows]

Britomart, thanks for pointing out that fact! I like to think I wasn't completely insane for being in this relationship. "Distance is a monster of an obstacle," well put.

[hmmwhoknows]

"Just bump it, Charlie" (anyone else watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?)

 

Bumped.

 

Feeling much better today than yesterday, it's amazing how different I can feel from one day to the next. I think I'll just try not to think about her or our short relationship. No more initiating contact for me, I'm done.