im so confused!! need outside advice!

[sean68]

please forgive this long story. its my way of setting up a pattern i find destructive.and i wanna be clear.

 

my gf and i had a fight last tuesday.

it was a relationship issue. i said i felt like i was her roommate recently. bc of a lack of affection and intimacy ect...

without getting into the long of it, she got mad. she always does when i wanna "talk" about something. her defensives always go up. she used to leave my house, but since im always at hers these days she asks me to leave hers. i was called "naggy" and she said she felt like she was in a corner. she only discusses things when she is ready to. and its alot of finger pointing. not much responsibility on her end.

 

(the only time she felt bad and took accountability was on my bday. she literally left my house when i was in the other room. it was bc we had been arguing all through the holidays. she was dissapointed with the xmas gifts i got her. and when i bought her some treats to try to make up for it and gave them to her on my bday she still wasnt happy with them. i called her bluff on something and thats when she left. when she finally reached out after new years, i let her have it and she knew i was serious.that was the only time in a full yr when she really owned what she did).

 

so back to the situation on tuesday night. she asked me leave, which i did. but i took her cell thinking it was mine. half way home i realized it was hers and i brought it back.

 

we didnt speak from tues till friday. i finally sent her a text friday nite that asked how she was and when we could speak.

she responded saying i betrayed her by taking her cell on purpose.

 

i of course wrote back saying it was an accident. nothing malicious. our cells are exactly the same.

and she still didnt believe me

she says i have a history of snooping. which truthfully i dont.

however, to cover all the bases this is what she is basing it on:

 

10 mths ago, i used her comp for something and told her right away that when i hit the history button i saw she was looking up her ex. she got pissed at that.

 

4mths later, i was planning a huge bday party for her and wanted to invite her friends without her knowing it. ( it was a surprise). so i went to her phone and got her one friends info. she found out and got mad again..

 

those points bring me back to my situation.

my gf accused me of doing something i really didnt do! i feel like i was convicted of a crime and she never once asked me if it was true. or discussed it with me. she just has her mind made up.

 

she finally texted me back saying she loves me very much but she needs time and space. she doesnt want to repeat the same pattern. that shes angry about alot of things and talking now wouldnt make it better.she needs to cool off.

i said i understood, and she thanked me.

 

i wrote to her one last time later that day. i was so pissed and literally flaberbasted at being so misrepresented. i had to get it off my chest.

i told her i understand she needs her time and space but while doing so, she has to know i didnt take her phone or look through it. and whats she mad at and blaming me for didnt actually happen. that i was offended she didnt speak with me about this. and that i wouldnt take the fall for something i didnt do.

i ended it by saying i didnt expect a response and wished her a nice day.

 

she has this terrible pattern of icing me out when shes mad. and contacts me when she ready to.

she has done it a good 5 times in our 1 yr relationship. and she has always come back.

for some reason i feel like this one is the heaviest of them all. and im not sure what to do.

im not gonna contact her. but i also hate that she has played it so that she has the control. i literally feel helpless.

im thinking it may be time to end it. but i cant help but think she is gonna come back too.

am i nuts?????? i think i am..

it just feels so mentally abusive to do to someone you say you love. and i feel so trapped and in limbo.

 

im dying for advice. this is so difficult to process.

[teabee]

Yuck. This girl sounds immature, dramatic, and totally self-centered. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be able to stand a partner that does the things you're talking about.

 

she only discusses things when she is ready to. and its alot of finger pointing. not much responsibility on her end.

 

This kind of thing will make it very hard to be in a good relationship with her. How are you two ever going to work out anything in a mature way? Your needs are going to repeatedly fall to the wayside if this is her reaction every time you try to discuss something. It might be difficult to point out how unhelpful that behaviour is and have her actually hear it--do you think she would be able to see this about herself if you gently gave her feedback?

 

she finally texted me back saying she loves me very much but she needs time and space. she doesnt want to repeat the same pattern. that shes angry about alot of things and talking now wouldnt make it better.she needs to cool off.

 

This is very annoying. She's accusing you of something you didn't do and trying to make you indulge her conditions while you wait for her forgiveness.

 

but i also hate that she has played it so that she has the control..

 

That's exactly what she's doing. She creates issues and drama and gets self-righteous about it, then feels entitled to make you pay for your "bad" behaviour. How old is she?

 

it just feels so mentally abusive to do to someone you say you love.

 

If it feels abusive, it's usually because it is.

I would agree that this is abusive.

Most people don't treat their SOs this way, I hope you realize that. You've been seeing her for a year? I'm not suggesting you dump her because ideally the problem could be worked on, but I highly doubt she will be able to recognize that she is the problem.

[sean68]

thank you for your honesty.

 

heres an update.

she actually called me last night. after 5 days of no communication. she called like everything was ok. she tells me what she did this weekend and how a friend of hers pissed her off.

today we met up to get some breakfast. it was a pleasant surface conversation for the 1st 20 mins with awkward silences thrown in.

i dont remember how it got brought up but she said i wasnt the best company bc i was tired from staying up late.

i said its more do to the fact that i was accused of something i didnt do.

and thats where it began.

this is where i need some outside feedback.

 

she said i hover over her when she is on the phone,im suspicious,i wanna know who she is talking to all the time,and im jealous. compounded with the fact that i looked at something on her computer 10 mths ago makes her not believe me. she said she feels put in a corner.

i felt terrible. i really did. i didnt realize she interpreted my actions that way. at the same time, she didnt take any direct responsibility.

when i told her that i must be doing those things bc i didnt feel close to her. that i feel like im let into her up to a point and then a wall goes up, she said she would let me in more if i gave her some space.

 

she said its all about me. meaning our relationship has been all about me. which i found to be off the mark. esp considering how she shuts me out when shes mad and then comes back when she is ready to. or that we dont have intimacy bc she doesnt want to kiss. or have a cute morning in bed bc she wants to get up.. the list can go on.

she also said she is sick of it always being about me and my friends.

 

now, on the friend thing. i have a very close group of friends. they are family to me. and my friends like to do group things together. and like to do activities together. which is why we spend alot of time with them. she has told me this bugs her in the past, but when i mention that "so and so invited us to do something.." she is always game to do it. not to mention she gets along with them all very well.

 

she also said she doesnt ever think of bringing her friends around bc im not the same with hers.

now, to be very honest here. i have noticed she doesnt have a core group like i do. alot of people she knows are random. all very nice but she she has found a problem with each of them at some point throught out the span of us being together. they do something that annoys her and she states "im over so and so". then after a few months she is fine with them again, till it happens the next time. i actually like most of the people i have met through her. i just never see them. she never invites them out. and its always so sporadic when i do see them. its never constant. her friend karen is lovely. i adore her, but i dont see her often bc she lives so far away.

 

the other big point she said was that with me "its not what have i done. but what have i done for you lately". like with the gifts i get her or things i do for her. she told me this when i reminded her that im at her house all the time and i usually have dinner waiting for her when she gets home. she called me proovy. like im proving to her that im doing something nice.

i guess if i was to be real honest i would say i may do that. it comes from not feeling appreciated. and told me that if i dont want to do those things then dont do it. the irony is that i enjoy doing it. i just dont enjoy not getting appreciation or gratitude.

she says when she does something for someone she does it and its over. she doesnt expect anything in return.

i guess i could see her point. but from my knowledge in a relationship you take it up a notch.

 

anyways back to the issue, i dont know what to believe here. i do believe she has a point in some of the things she has said. but i also feel like a misbehaved kid. when we parted ways. i felt relief to not be around her. bc i felt really judged and misunderstood. like she was a better person or something.

bc all of what she says she does is bc of me and my actions.

 

am i being defensive??

is that alot of finger pointing and projection? does it sound irresponsible on her part?

 

im so insanely confused i would love to hear what anyone has to say

[somberchic]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If I were you, I would leave before you waste any more efforts, emotions, and time into something that is so broken. I know its easier said than done...but its the right thing to do...you have two choices. 1) You can either drag this out and waste more tim....or 2) bite the bullet...deal with the pain...and heal from this so that you can find someone you're more compatible with. The only reason why anyone would get upset if someone was looking through their computer or phone is if they actually have something to hide. Think about it...if you have nothing to hide--it wouldn't be such a big deal if she looked through your phone, right? So--you have your answers right there.

[teabee]

she said i hover over her when she is on the phone,im suspicious,i wanna know who she is talking to all the time,and im jealous. compounded with the fact that i looked at something on her computer 10 mths ago makes her not believe me. she said she feels put in a corner.

i felt terrible. i really did. i didnt realize she interpreted my actions that way. at the same time, she didnt take any direct responsibility.

when i told her that i must be doing those things bc i didnt feel close to her. that i feel like im let into her up to a point and then a wall goes up, she said she would let me in more if i gave her some space.

 

If that's the way she feels, whether it's true or not, you could always just say, "I'm sorry that's how you interpreted all of that. I will make an effort not to do these things, and I'd appreciate it if you'd point it out when I do it" then you could ask for something in return like, "and at the same time could you work on letting me in more so I can feel close to you?" She does seem like she's pointing fingers and always bringing it back to what YOU'VE done wrong, but you can work around it and just voice your desire to fix it, whether you think it needs to be fixed or not.

 

she said its all about me. meaning our relationship has been all about me. which i found to be off the mark.

 

Yeah, I'd say it's the other way around. I'm not a part of the relationship so technically I would have no idea, but if you've taken a real look at your own actions in the relationship and feel that it's false to say it's been all about you, then chances are her perception is just nuts. I doubt she'd do the same for you and take a look at HER actions, but you can at least look at yours.

 

now, to be very honest here. i have noticed she doesnt have a core group like i do. alot of people she knows are random. all very nice but she she has found a problem with each of them at some point throught out the span of us being together. they do something that annoys her and she states "im over so and so". then after a few months she is fine with them again, till it happens the next time. i actually like most of the people i have met through her. i just never see them. she never invites them out. and its always so sporadic when i do see them. its never constant.

 

I think that's important. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a really close knit, core group of good friends like you, but the fact that she always has a problem with one friend or another is a bad sign. And it seems to be her MO with you as well. She sounds dramatic like there always needs to be an issue somewhere, and she's never the one accountable. I think you can be sure this is her pattern and when she starts up drama with you, it probably has little to do with you or your actions.

 

the other big point she said was that with me "its not what have i done. but what have i done for you lately". like with the gifts i get her or things i do for her. she told me this when i reminded her that im at her house all the time and i usually have dinner waiting for her when she gets home. she called me proovy. like im proving to her that im doing something nice.

i guess if i was to be real honest i would say i may do that. it comes from not feeling appreciated. and told me that if i dont want to do those things then dont do it. the irony is that i enjoy doing it. i just dont enjoy not getting appreciation or gratitude.

she says when she does something for someone she does it and its over. she doesnt expect anything in return.

i guess i could see her point. but from my knowledge in a relationship you take it up a notch.

 

I'm not sure I'm understanding this whole concept of being proovy. Not sure what she's complaining about there, but seems like whatever you do, there's something wrong with it. Even when you're doing something nice, it's not enough, or it's not the right nice thing, or the nice thing is "proovy."

 

I don't think you are being too defensive. It DOES sound like she loves to point the finger at you and never at herself. If you are willing to put more effort into this, you can do what I mentioned above--be the mature one and suck it up for now, communicate your desire to fix the things that are bugging her, and ask her to reciprocate and work on some things you'd like to see change. After some time, if she is still creating issues and blaming you for it, you know for sure that it's her and not you.