3 years later, he woke up and had enough...

[Anna.]

Yep 3 years, a daughter, and a life together. and he woke up one day last week, looked me in the eye and said, "I don't want you anymore." Obviously there is a lot more to it, but that's not important. We break up and make up a lot, but he's never been so BLUNT. And I thought he'd NEVER leave me, but he's serious right now. Ahhh, whatever, he's over me, you can see it on his face. We're already being friends, for our daughter, but I love him. Dammit. There's a better man out there for me. Lord knows if I'll ever find him. Right now I just want my friend back home, even if we aren't right for each other.

 

And god, I can't take the, "Daddy's home!" from the baby every time we pull up to our house, cause I just have to say crush her little heart and tell her no, that when mommies and daddies fight little girlies stay with their mommies. What BS! He's a good daddy and spends as much time with her as possible, but he's gone, not living with us and she gets that. And she doesn't seem too hurt, but I know its not fair for her. Why does she have to split time with us, why can't she have us both all the time? Because we make each other mad. And I hate me and him for that.

 

I need encouragement guys!

[FootofGod]

Ah thats... awful. I don't even know, it makes my problems look small. I had a life together with my girl and we were talking about marriage and seemed great and flirty... until one day she decided to just up and leave me for another guy. Looking back, there were hints. But not that many, we communicated so well on everything and she kept this decision secret. Or made it in a snap. I'm not sure.

 

But a kid? Ah, that's just awful, but at least your daughter is there to love you. Go with that, your life is great and you're handling it great! A guy who would just up and walk out, no chance at reconciliation? No care for his commitment? Glad to put himself first? Yeah, I'd say you can do better. Sometimes it only takes one fatal flaw in character to turn the most perfect partner into an impossibility.

[civilservant]

I think no care for his commitment is a tad harsh, the OP already said he was an excellent father. If anything I would say it was good for him to at least be honest, I know it will of hurt you OP, but at least you know where you stand now, for better or worse.

[Jd1983]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now.

 

I know how difficult this may be for you. I do give him credit for being honest with you though. Perhaps, he just needs some time away to sort things through on his own?

 

In either case, the most important thing right now is your daughter. It's a good thing that he is a good father at least. Please try to stay strong for her.

 

Try to take one day at a time, and hang in there.

[Lastchallenge]

Terrible... Especially when children are involved I hope that you guys can work things out

[Anna.]

thanks guys, but come on, can I get a "hey, he's gone, it's not that bad!" ??

 

I really appreciate any input, honestly though, I wanna hear that kids grow up with coparents that are friends but not lovers all the time and they are still well-adjusted or that good men aren't hard to find. Ok, don't LIE too me, but NO PITY please!

 

....or is it that bad?

[Jd1983]

Sweetheart, it will only be as bad as you make it to be.

 

As with everything else, it just takes times to get over. There will always be other guys out there for you, so don't despair.

[Hermes]

Because we make each other mad. And I hate me and him for that.

 

Anna:

 

I don't suppose you thought of counselling, to try to address the reasons for what you say in the above quote. Evidently there was incompatibility (was it always there?), or some reason why friction reached such a breaking point.

 

H

[lavenderdove]

Anna, I'm really sorry... that's tough.

 

But i recall that your daughter was the result of an very early in the relationship and a surprise pregnancy, and many times, that just doesn't work out. When two people get more serious than they would have initially because there is a pregnancy involved, and try to be a couple because there is a pregnancy involved, frequently this is eventually the outcome since one or both may feel forced into the commitment or resent that they didn't have time to have a courtship or get to know each other first before deciding to commit and be a couple.

 

I remember from the very beginning he has always been ambivalent, and i think he probably just never adjusted to the surprise pregnancy early on, even if he loves his daughter now. He probably resented the whole 'family' thing happening before he was ready, or had even made up his mind that he wanted to be with you permanently (or any woman permanently at this point in his life).

 

That is not to excuse his behavior at all, but to help you accept that you could be the perfect partner and mother, but if he wasn't ready or didn't really want the family life with you, then that resentment could fester and taint the relationship with you.

 

So I think you just need a chance to have a more normal courtship with a guy that doesn't involve a pregnancy that forces anyone's hand in the early days. And you can have that!

 

Next, your daughter will be fine if you are fine and maintain her normal life with her father in it. She is very young, and research has shown that young kids her age do just fine and don't even remember their parents being together once they get used to the new routine. Life throws all kinds of curves at people, so this is just something both of you will have to adapt to, and if you and your ex don't fight in front of her or use her as a tool in your arguments with each other, she will be fine.

 

I'd just read some books about single parenting to help you get thru this, and join an organization like Parents without Partners. The truth is more kids live in single parent families now than in dual parent families... of course that is not ideal, but that is reality, so she will in no way see herself as 'different' from other kids since most kids live with one parent these days, or in blended families from second marriages.

 

And you are very young, and have a long long time to find the RIGHT partner for you, a guy who loves you and your daugther and is not with you because of an accident of biology, but because he freely and lovingly chooses you to be his partner.

 

So you will be just fine, and your daughter will too! Try not to add additional baggage on your load by thinking to much about the way things 'should' be, because frankly, most kids are now not raised with both parents, and research shows kids are just fine with divorce if both parents are fine with the divorce and don't bring their emotional baggage/anger and dump it on the child, especially if they are as young as your daughter is when the break happens. If you show her that you are fine, happy, and secure, then she will follow your lead.

[Hermes]

Yes, Lavender, that clarifies the matter now and puts a different slant on things.

 

But i recall that your daughter was the result of an very early in the relationship and a surprise pregnancy, and many times, that just doesn't work out. When two people get more serious than they would have initially because there is a pregnancy involved, and try to be a couple because there is a pregnancy involved, frequently this is eventually the outcome since one or both may feel forced into the commitment or resent that they didn't have time to have a courtship or get to know each other first before deciding to commit and be a couple.

 

And I agree entirely with the rest of your good advice.

 

H

[Anna.]

Thanks guys! Lavender, you made my day I think I knew everything you said was true, but I need to hear it (er, read it..).

 

Anyway, we've both been plagued with this idea that we are both complete failures if we couldn't make it work, but we've been shoving a square peg in a round hole for 3 years. We were friends all our lives and I guess we thought that friendship and mutual attraction was enough, but I don't think it is. There is something lacking and there always will be. That tenderness that belongs in a relationship. We never moved past friends to be honest. Best friends, but still just friends. It will be ok....I think. I just miss him a lot, nobody gets my stupid jokes. I even think if we'd dated properly, we might have grown together into that in-love thing, but not being thrown together and forced to play house. Now there is bad blood and whatever physical chemistry was there is gone now.

[lavenderdove]

The good news is that once you've both adjusted to being single again, if you were friends once, you might be able to co-parent your daughter together amicably. I know lots of people who just didn't work as a couple, but eventually after a couple years were able to be pleasant to one another and even friendly together once they'd both recovered from the breakup.