Sex and the ex...what's your take on it?

[bridgetjones74]

My 2 yr. relationship ended about a month ago, was good except for the last 2 months...we argued and he couldn't deal with it so he dumped me. I didn't follow the NC rule at first but eventually gave into it and we went 12 days no phone calls or visits. I called him up one night ended up over there and we slept together. He of course fawned all over me, told me how beautiful I looked, how he missed the way I smell and he missed my touch.

Anyway, we ended up sleeping together the next 2 nightsn also and now here I am. He told me I had given him a lot to think about and that he would contact me when he was ready. Told me he loved me and just stared at me the whole time we were together.

Just curious to know if I'm being a sentimental fool in thinking I have a chance...does his treatment of me those 3 nights mean anything, he treated me with so much love and made it very clear that I was not just being used for sex.

I need the men on the board to set me straight...would any of you guys sleep with or act this way towards someone you really didn't want to be with anymore?

[smiles314]

Hey, im not a guy..but when i read your post I just wanted to reply immediately... My ex bf did the same thing to me, we ended up sleeping together...I had the same hope, and 2 years later-- He ended up stringing me along with all those hopeful sweet talking words, and we just kept having sex. He swore he wasn't using me, but nothing ever progressed- he gave me more just kept saying he needs more time. And where am i at now? Well I got beat...he ended up finding some new fling after a whole 2 yrs, and dropped me for a few weeks...Then i just told him to hit the road..and we havent spoken in weeks. Im not saying that your ex will do this to you, i'm just saying be cautious with sex and ex's.. It got me into an awful situation that i'm still trying to heal from.. So pleaseee just be careful, don't want anybody to end up feeling the way i did.

[sinnerboy]

hi,

sorry to hear you suffer so much. well it really depends on the guy, i would not do it. it looks to me like he just used you, because you where around at that moment. i might be wrong, but be careful. i think smile314 is right, sex and ex it just does not mix.

 

 

 

good luck

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi there. I am in a similar situation right this very moment. I had been dating a young man for over two years. Things were always shaky, though, and last year he moved away. When that happened, I was forced to move on...he just wasn't there anymore. But recently, he has moved back into town. I thought I had moved past things, but seeing him again started the pain all over. At first I was very distant and formal, but he kept visiting me and telling me how much he missed me, how he wanted to change, etc. etc. As you might have guessed, he didn't change, and nothing improved. I fell into the snare of turning to him for comfort. Sometimes he would stop by in the evening, and just like old times we would talk and laugh, and then I just didn't want him to go. It may seem old-fashioned, but I am waiting for marriage before being fully intimate with a man. However, Paul and I were very passionate together; he was the best lover I have ever had. It is incredibly difficult to lose that closeness, and when he came around this last time, we fell back into that comfort...the comfort of such intimacy, warmth and tenderness. It is a way to temporarily forget about the pain, to forget about the reality of the breakup. In those tender moments, nothing else matters except your emotions, the wonderful feeling of being swept away, being desirable and alive. But each time this would happen, my soul would ache with sorrow, for I knew that after each passionate union, everything would still be the same. Paul would still wake up the man who didn't want committment, who didn't want to get a job, who didn't want to build a future with me. And each time, I would have to let him go, ,the pain deeper than ever.

 

I know how desperately we want to be desired, cared for, cherished again. How strong are those desires to feel comforted, ,to be held, to be touched with tenderness and love. But when a relationship has be broken, there are issues that no amount of romantic nights alone can fix. Our sexuality is a gift, but it can also be band-aid we try to use to cover up our pain. Although it may seem like passion will cause a former boyfriend to want back into your life, it just can't all on its own. Love demands that all of our souls be present--the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. When a relationship is right, your physical union will be in balance with all of these elements, and it will be forever, not just for a few days. You will not have the doubts over what it means. When a question mark hangs over every kiss or embrace, pain will follow.

 

The best thing for me and for you, and for so many others out there hurting, is to be strong, to take care of ourselves right now. When we get lonely and feel like we need that loving touch, and yes, we will and that is all a part of grieving and letting go, we need to turn to our friends and family, even our pets---use them for comfort. Hug them, ask for their help. God knows how hard it is to let go. But if you let things rest, time will make things clearer and more bearable. If things are meant to be, love will only grow. Love will never fail. Romance will come into your life, and when it is right, it will make you more of who you are today. There will be no hurting, no wondering, no letting go. Love is relentless, and it will win over two souls, binding them together closer than anything else on earth. It exists, and it will come to you. Just hold on. It will be all right my friend.

[bridgetjones74]

It is a strange situation for me but because I know him so well I don't believe he is using me. I've tried before after the breakup to get close and he always backed away...being naked and all over him was something that wouldn't phase him in the least...as he's always said, if it doesn't feel right to him he won't do it so maybe there is hope.

Maybe he doesn't want to be together at the moment and it could have been a final fling but for now I'm holding on to a little bit of hope. Were best friends and I will continue to be here for him if he needs me, I can't lay all the blame on him for what happened...I wanted it to and didn't hold back & I'm old enough to know if it feels right for me or not and it did feel right so I went for it.

 

Honestly after being without him this past month I've gotten a bit stronger and I can see that it's very possible that despite his feelings for me and despite the fact that we slept together he may still feel that we just won't work and I've accepted that and will cut all ties and move on with my life in that case.

The crying has stopped, the feeling of complete despair is gone and sleeping together didn't change much for me, I didn't break down and lose control...I'm still moving forward and trying to get my life back...if he's gonna be a part of it time will tell, until then I'll work, hang out with friends and do what makes me happy.

I already know what a great catch I am and if he doesn't see it then I am better off without him.

[jessijess]

I was in the same situation a few years ago. My ex broke up with me & after a few months of NC, we finally hung out again. Everything seemed perfect between the 2 of us so I gave in & slept with him. After 2 years of this happening on & off, I found out that another one of his exes was pregnant & it could be his. The problrm was that I still loved him with my whole heart & couldnt see all hs faults & the whole time he was just using me.

Unfortunately. most women are driven by their emotions while most men are driven by their hormones.

I hope everything works out better for you than it did for me

[philo]

Take it for what it was................................just sex and move on When you first break up, it is so hard cause your used to regular sex and companionship. When you see that person again it brings back all those feelings and usualy get caught up in the moment. The easiest fix= move on

[a_little_sparrow]

To me it sounds like the real question is do you want this guy or not. I think you're right, neither one of you would have had sex if it hadn't felt right. But of course it's going to feel right. You have a history together. I just wonder if what drove you to go on with the sex was the old comfort and tenderness you recognized in being with him. Which is fine. But is this a comfort and tenderness you can see wanting to deepen with time? Or was it for you that last fling?

 

As a guy, and from what you've explained about this guy, I think the emotions are similar on the other side. And from what I can see this is what's so confusing about getting back together with the ex. The history that's there makes the other person desirable, and gives you both a number of reasons to want to get back together.

 

The real question comes up: why didn't the relationship continue to develop? Why did you break up?

 

I think it would be difficult to have sex and then approach these issues if they weren't resolved. Mainly because the old emotions would be what were driving things. Are those old emotions ready to grow again? Or are they going to lead you right back to the point that caused the breakup?

 

These seem to be questions you've left for him to answer. I wonder if you've answered them for yourself.

[d346]

bridgetjones:

 

I am in a similar situation, but haven't slept with him. It hasn't been in discussion (we've only been talking) but I know for a fact that I could go over to his place and do it if I wanted. In fact, it crossed my mind last night as I drove past his neighborhood. I kept on driving though.

 

The thing is, I'm in that tough spot, he wanted a break, didn't contact me, which hurt me tremendously. I don't understand why you would do that to someone you love. with the thought of it being perhaps over, I have tried my hardest to move on. Now, a month later, he is calling, apologetic, and wants to know if we can start talking/see one another slowly. I am uneasy because he hurt me, but of course there's a tiny little voice deep down screaming yes, of course!

 

However, I don't think he's fully at the point where he can give me the committment I want. He's probably still a little shaky and JUST realizing how much I mean to him. I feel as much as I want to sleep with him, he really has to miss it, crave it. He needs to know that he must fully commit to whole hartedly working on our relationship before I give that to him.

 

I do know from experience that if they love you, it's not JUST about sex for them. However, they will give into the temptation and really enjoy being with YOU at that moment. However, after the moment is over, no matter how much they care or love you, they can still be utterly confused and then back off. This happened at the very beginning of our break. I kept thinking of that night, how tender and loving he was. Yet the next day he felt weird about "things" and needed time to think. I will never put myself in that situation again.

[JTS]

It sounds like he really adores you and when you were together it brought out all of those emotions and feelings that he has for you, which is good. However right now he has not been thinking about the bad and thats why both of you feel "perfect" be weary of this situation and of getting back togheter if the opportunity is presented. Make sure he "REALLY" wants it. Or else you will be back in the same boat in a couple of weeks.