Girlfriend is dull to talk to

[paulocoleho]

Hello All,

 

First time poster long time lurker. I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year, and the relationship is in general quite great. We get along very well, we are extremely comfortable with each other, we sometimes fight but we get around it. However, I cannot help but feel that a conversation with her can be.... very dull at times. I am not sure why in the past year I never noticed this. I have been extremely busy with school and work during the year, and now I just have work, and have been taking to her more. I left the city for a few weeks due to work, and well, lately, I have begun to slightly dread skyping her in the evening, as I really just am running out of material.

 

I do not want to seem like I am saying "oh so interesting and she is boring", it is more like there is a lack of engaging conversations. I try hard to engage her. I try to ask open ended things to engage her into talking about something... anything. I was even willing to talk about nail polish colours for some time as I saw she wanted to buy some new ones and was debating colours! Most of the conversation goes like, for example,

 

Q: How was your day

A: Oh boring/ nothing interesting/ didn't do much

 

I essentially have to pry to get something: "how was class/work, what did you do in class/work, how was X, how was Y, then what", and to each I get a very short answer. I try and engage in her in various topics, maybe something in the news or the other, but rarely do I get a conversation. I have to force myself to do the talking to fill in the silence. Even then, I try and bring her in, with a "what do you think" etc.

 

She says she loves listening to me talk, but I mean, I am getting really tired of these one-way talks. Where it is me talking and her nodding or maybe something slightly more substantive once in a while. Once in a while we have a good and actually engaging conversation, but it jsut seems to be getting rarer.

 

I really don't know what to do, I love the relationship, but I really want an engaging conversation once in a while.

 

Help!

[Celadon]

Is she going through anything now that would cause her to be preoccupied? Is she having troubles with family members or friends? Or has she been extremely busy, to the point where she doesn't have time to think about anything outside of daily life?

 

When you talked with her before, did she really just listen? If so, you probably didn't notice because you were in school, which I presume was intellectually stimulating. In effect, you didn't need her to be that interesting.

 

Assuming she is smart enough, I would talk with her about your feelings and encourage her to read something every day that interests her, so she has something you can engage with. I don't think that's too much to ask.

[paulocoleho]

She is busy with school and work, but it isn't to the point of absolute insanity. Aand her family life seems fairly stable, no big issues.

 

Maybe I never noticed it before, classes and classmates may have filled the gap. I am willing to engage in a conversation about anything, as I stated, I talked about various nail polish colours! It need not be some crazy science or legal topic (background in eng and law), I'll talk about TV, or even the guest lecturer in class that day. Yet she won't give me much. I have literally asked, "so tell me what the guest lecturer talked about, or what happened on the TV show you watched!" and get "ehh not much".

 

 

The thing is, when I'm on Skype/Phone and go, "oh well, you seem tired, maybe I'll let you go for today", she tells me no she isn't and to stay on a bit longer with her. To me this usually means, more filling in the scilence.

 

I will try and approach her on this, maybe something is bothering he that she hasn't told me....

[paulocoleho]

Well no, I see your angle, but it seems a large jump to assume it is just sex. The sex is good, however, she is there for me, she listens to my problems, I listen to her problems, she surprises me sometimes with cupcakes or a surprise visitation after class/work. She will chear me up when I'm down etc. We are very comfortable around each other.

 

It's just the conversation dries up fast of late. Think about sitting on the phonerestaurant/movie/skype and it is just you talking 70-80% of the time because the other really doesn't contribute. I suppose she is just a very good listener hah!

[digger11]

when you say "oh i will let you go, you seem tired" and she responds, "no i'm good!" just say "oh, well you're not very chatty so I assumed you were!" maybe she will take the hint... (are you sure you're not tired? why don't you tell me about something interesting you read? - thats where most my convos come from. interesting articles.... maybe get her hooked on a magazine)

[Celadon]

Honestly, I feel your pain. Constantly getting, "Ehh, not much" would drive me insane. I dated a guy for a few months once and finally had to break it off because I was so incredibly bored. (Like you, not saying I'm fabulously interesting, but still....) There was one time we were together and I felt drained after 15 minutes. He just couldn't form an opinion on anything or even explain why such-and-such was his favorite movie. Oy! It was like getting blood from a turnip.

 

Well ... good luck. I hope you are able to talk with her about this as it does seem important to you. If she truly cares about the relationship, I'm sure she'll make an effort to become a better conversationalist. If not ... do what will make you happy in the long run.

 

ETA: Digger makes a good point about the magazine. One guy I dated once, we both found articles in Psychology Today we could talk about.

[LightbulbSun]

She sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. "Eh, not much" is her way of getting you to inquire more about her day, which she'll play down so that you inquire MORE.

 

It's like my grandma, who's very passive aggressive. When you ask her if she wants to do something, she'll go, "Oh, no I don't want to do that. Go ahead." Even if it's something that she wants, like a favorite piece of food or something, she'll make you choose whether your want of the food is greater than hers. And then, if you do pick it, she'll sulk (but I wanted that!)

[whes]

I agree with LightBulbSun. It also might be that perhaps you talk too much. Sometimes limiting the conversation time or only talking every few days gives you more to talk about, gives you a chance to miss each other.

 

I find that if someone is constantly around, i start to take them for granted and I stop putting so much of myself into the conversations. She doesn't sound very engaged or interested in talking, because if she was, she'd certainly offer up more or ask you more questions. it could also be that something is on her mind. I think calling her on her non-committal responses and lack of enthusiasm is a good idea. She needs to know that you're noticing and that it's affecting you.

[ScorpiGal83]

Wow, I've never really had this problem, but I can imagine it';s quite frustrating!

 

Has it always been this way, and if so, what attracted you to her in the first place? Personally I can't be attracted to someone if I can't at least engage in conversation with them. I can be a chatterbox but I can shut up and listen, too. And I'd prefer if someone I'm dating could also do that.

 

You said "I love the relationship", not "I love her". Was that intentional/perhaps an underlying problem, that you're comfortable being with her but you don't necessarily love her as a person/her personality?

 

Maybe it would help if you guys did more together, like go hiking, camping, learn a new skill, play sports or something of the sort so you'd have more to talk about.

[greywolf]

You can't change her behavior. You can only change yours. So just tell her that you're bored, and then go find something to do that's more fun. However, this can't be done just to manipulate her. You have to do it because you want to do something more entertaining, and not because you want her to change.

[paulocoleho]

Wow, I've never really had this problem, but I can imagine it';s quite frustrating!

 

Has it always been this way, and if so, what attracted you to her in the first place? Personally I can't be attracted to someone if I can't at least engage in conversation with them. I can be a chatterbox but I can shut up and listen, too. And I'd prefer if someone I'm dating could also do that.

 

You said "I love the relationship", not "I love her". Was that intentional/perhaps an underlying problem, that you're comfortable being with her but you don't necessarily love her as a person/her personality?

 

Maybe it would help if you guys did more together, like go hiking, camping, learn a new skill, play sports or something of the sort so you'd have more to talk about.

 

 

By I love the relationship I meant I love her, it was late when I wrote this I actually don't know what attracted me to her in the first place. I don't mean this in a bad way, but we were friends before we started dating so it just naturally evolved. However, I always loved her caring personality. She always is there for everyone. I really love this about her (for more see my 2nd post above on page 1)

 

I tried to get her engage in something new, I suggested Salsa, maybe going to the gym together etc. It got shot down. Well, actually, when I left the city for work it seems she warmed up to Salsa, but maybe because she misses me and suddenly would be open to the idea We will see when we get back. She is very set in her ways, the kind of person who if she only likes X, she is very hard to open to something new like Y.

 

My plan of action is as follows:

 

1) I will take diggers suggestion. Greywolf, appreciate it, but it just seems harsh to say "I'm bored".

2) If an indirect and subbtle way doesn't work, I will talk to her. I can't change her personality, but maybe we can work something out.

[Ellie2006]

this is all speculation but maybe she's actually scared to open up? i.e. she's scared that if she starts spilling her "crazy," that will drive you away?

 

obviously, being engaged in convo with someone and being talkative are two very different things. from your description, she seems to appear not engaged (as opposed to not talkative).

 

maybe she is preoccupied with something, as others suggested.

maybe this is a signal that she is disengaging -- which is something that you two should definitely discuss (i.e. if her silence and disinterest stem from problems in other areas of your relationship)

 

one caveat: make sure you know what you want -- for example, are you certain that you want her to yammer on about every little detail about her life, her problems? OR do you just want her to engage in conversations about what you find interesting?

[Siriana]

well how often do you talk?

are you in the same city?

if yes why don't you meet instead skype each other?

if you talk every single day for like an hour or two well maybe she really can't think of so many subjects to talk about. How about not talking twice a week?