He called tonight!

[newwave]

I don't know where to post this, so here goes. As many have read, I was in a situation where I recently reconnected with a friend. When we saw each other, sparks flew and he asked me to date only him. Then later on he said he didn't want a relationship. So around Valentines he told me he didn't want a relationship, etc.

 

So anyway, I'm starting to heal and tonight he called. He apologized for the way he treated me. I told him he hurt me badly, broke my heart, and could have possibly caused me to hurt someone else. He told me that he was really scared because I was sending off baby vibes, and he told me he was fearful because he was afraid I'd trap him into marriage, and he'd end up supporting me and the baby because I am not working. Once I told him I planned to have a baby long after I had a job he cheered up. He then said yes, he really wanted to marry and have babies but his last girlfriend screwed him up. He then admitted he was attracted to me. He told me he was never going to fall in love again, but then admitted he was cautious and it might take time. He even admitted he might eventually want marriage and kids with me, but will take him time to realize I want him. However, then he brought up the idea of us sleeping together without a serious relationship. I told him that wasn't happening, we are friends or a relationship, but not FWB's. He backed down on that and said "I just asked". He also admitted he's seeing a counselor to deal with his issues. He's having work problems. He didn't even get my email, just felt he needed to speak to me.

 

We spoke almost 3 hours. It was pleasant. He left open the possibility of us together, but on the other hand if someone else comes around, so be it. He wasn't as negative about a relationship or anything else, though still not 100% for it.

[ToF]

Well...how do you feel about all that?

[newwave]

I feel a lot better. He admitted he was mean and apologized and I told him some of the things I admitted I might do and he said he was not thinking straight. He did leave open the possibility we might eventually get serious, but then he got scared again. I told him things take time. I feel better. It might workout, but it might not, but I feel I can handle it better now.

[ToF]

That's good to hear. So as of now you're friends?

[newwave]

Yes right now we are friends, with a possibility to be more. It might never happen but I feel after speaking to him it will. I put my foot down on the whole FWB situation though I wonder about that since he's never had sex with a woman unless it was a serious relationship. He did mention I got a little sexually aggressive which I never noticed before.

[sophie274]

He then said yes, he really wanted to marry and have babies but his last girlfriend screwed him up.

 

He told me he was never going to fall in love again

 

Those two things sound pretty contradictory to me.

 

he brought up the idea of us sleeping together without a serious relationship.

 

It does not sound to me like he is serious about wanting a relationship with you. I'm glad you rejected his offer for a casual relationship, because that would not help you achieve your goals of marriage/children. I urge you to take him at his word about that - don't assume that since he's only had sex in serious relationships, then if you two have sex it means he is serious about you. He is saying loud and clear that he does not want commitment now, or perhaps even ever.

 

I really don't think you can expect anything from this guy. Like you said, he may come around later, but please don't wait around for him. I know you like him but he does not sound like a great candidate for a relationship to me - most of all because you two have fundamentally incompatible goals but also because you've described him before as immature.

[ToF]

It might never happen but I feel after speaking to him it will

 

Why do you say that?

[newwave]

Well, I'm not waiting around, especially if someone else comes around. All during the conversation he admitted he was scared of the future. He did say he could imagine us married but not for awhile. No, I definitely will not have a FWB situation because that would make it much worse. I told him it's a friendship or a relationship but in between.

[newwave]

Why do you say that?

 

Just a few things he said. I'm not going to wait for him, but he admitted a few things that he never had before, such as he was fearful that he'd make a lousy dad until he talk to a counselor. I agreed. He then admitted he recently imagined us marrying and having a baby, which stunned me. I am not going to let him hurt me again though. I am guarding my heart and waiting for him to make the next move. Let him come to me.

[ToF]

Just a few things he said. I'm not going to wait for him, but he admitted a few things that he never had before, such as he was fearful that he'd make a losuy dad until he talk to a counselor. I agreed. He then admitted he recently imagined us marrying and having a baby, which stunned me. I am not going to let him hurt me again though. I am guarding my heart and waiting for him to make the next move. Let him come to me.

 

You know...it sounds like a good plan, but from your (very) recent posts, I don't know how well the "not waiting for him" thing is going to work out for you. I would advise you to just cut ties and move on. If one day he comes groveling to you about how me messed up, wants you back, etc, then YOU get to decide whether HE'S worth it.

 

But you're going to do whatever you wish, so I hope it works out for the best.

 

Good luck.

[newwave]

I'd only accept an apology which he kept doing. I think once he realizes I'm not going hurt him, he'll change things. As it is there was progress done on his views slightly changing.

[sophie274]

Just a few things he said. I'm not going to wait for him, but he admitted a few things that he never had before, such as he was fearful that he'd make a losuy dad until he talk to a counselor. I agreed. He then admitted he recently imagined us marrying and having a baby, which stunned me. I am not going to let him hurt me again though. I am guarding my heart and waiting for him to make the next move. Let him come to me.

 

I can certainly understand why that tugs at your heartstrings - and it would at mine too if a guy I liked told me that - but that kind of declaration is fairly meaningless, in my opinion. He has fears about the future and fantasies of you two having a baby, but his REALITY is that he only wants an FWB situation with you and has said he never plans to fall in love again. I think that's what you need to focus on, not his commitment issues. He does not want a relationship, and that's the most valuable piece of information for you right now.

 

I agree with TwistofFate. This is the kind of situation where contact is only going to keep you hooked on hope that he might change his mind, to the detriment of you finding someone else who does want a relationship. I don't think contact or friendship are good ideas. Being in touch will make it very hard for you to move on, as you're that much more likely to spend time pining for him instead of moving forward.

[newwave]

I would normally agree, but he did make progress on his ideas. Where he used to say he didn't want kids, now he said he really does but is afraid. I'll be his friend but am not rushing into anything else. See where it goes. Leave it up to him.

[annie24]

well, i call BS on his saying he didn't read your email. i think he did. otherwise, it's awfully coincidental that he called you so soon after you emailed him.

 

anyways..... his answer - well, from my perspective, it still keeps you in limbo. he basically said that he is attracted to you, but not ready to take steps to have a dating relationship. so, you are kind of back where you started from.

 

i'm also glad you said no to FWB. i think, personally... you just need to move on as if he's not going to be with you. so keep finding new men to date. this guy doesn't have his act together. if he ever gets it together, he knows your number and he can woo you with chocolates and roses. you don't have to wait for him.

[newwave]

My view is I'll keep him as a friend while still considering other guys. He did say he's not dating anyone else nor does he want anyone but me. I'll talk to him on the phone and get together with him, but nothing sexual. I told him that we are either friends or boyfriend/girlfriend but not fwb's. I told him that having a fwb would only hurt me. He backed off and said friends was fine. When I told him I plan to move closer (not because of him incidentally) he said he'd like me to be closer. From speaking to him I got the feeling (from his words) that he was coming around but I will not let my heart get hurt again if he doesn't. He did also say that if we have children he asked me to promise him they won't be sent to Catholic schools.

[annie24]

that is a really weird thing for him to say, considering he just talked about how not ready to be a father he is. in addition, i think that FWB is also really stupid of him to bring up if he doesn't want to be a father. even if you are being careful with birth control, accidents happen. he seems really really opposed to having kids now. I dunno, he sounds like a flake.

 

but yeah, i'm afraid that you're just kind of right where you started.

[Batya33]

I cannot imagine any man (any person!) suggesting to a woman who has expressed interest in marrying him down the line, or in a serious relationship, asking if she'd like to have sexual intercourse with him when he's horny (i.e. what you call euphemistically "FWB") if he thought there was any chance down the line that he'd want to make her his wife. I don't know anyone who would take that risk of offending a lady who might someday be his wife/mother of his children.

 

I agree with the others.

[orchidrose]

I agree with Batya, and want to add that this guy sounds super skeezy, and you're letting him get away with it by accepting whatever crumbs he gives you. I also think you need to think a bit more deeply about whether or not you're really on the lookout for anyone else or would want to start something with someone else. You talk about this guy in every single post that you make on ENA.

[newwave]

There's a lot more to it which is why I am giving him a chance. I actually think he was mentioning the FWB as some kind of strange test. He didn't even seem serious about it either. He told me many things about his family as well as his past relationships that he never told anyone else. I told him we are friends or we are a relationship but not fwb. He told me he had never had a casual relationship before. He also admitted that yes, he did see a future with us.

[FarthestEdge]

A few things...

 

1) HE could not have caused you to hurt someone else.. You are still making him responsible for your actions and choices. This is not healthy, AND it will scare any guy away. It's one thing to say "I felt like [insert insanely dramatic action here] when you didn't call me. It's another thing entirely to say "You almost made me [insanely dramatic action], because you didn't call me." Accept responsiblity for your feelings, choices and actions.

 

2) He is SO playing you for a piece. The only definitive thing he told you is he's attracted to you and he'd like to sleep with you. The rest is carefully dodging the direct question- "do you want to be in a relationship with me?" -but at the same time, he is giving you just enough to cling to hope...because he already knows you think you're in love with him

 

My bet is that he figures he can eventually get you on your back by letting you think there's more to it....and then when he's had enough, he can honestly say "I told you I wasn't going to fall in love again. I TOLD you I wasn't ready for a relationship. I TOLD YOU..." and the things you want that will once again evaporate in the mist, will be things you inferred from what he said, but not anything he actually said.

 

3) BEFORE you heard from him, and you were starting to accept that it might be a lost cause, you were STILL convinced NO ONE else would make you happy, only HE would do. How successful do you think your dating efforts will be, when you continue to romanticize his qualities, AND believe that maybe, maybe tomorrow he'll call to say he's ready...not really much point in dating at all, if that's what you are going to do.

 

Newwave. I still think the bigger problem here is within yourself. You do not seem to be a happy person, at least your posts certainly don't brimm with sunshine and optimism....You seem to believe that the right romance will create a happily ever after. And you think HE'S your knight in shining armour.

 

It won't and he's not.

 

You have to find a way to be happy with yourself or ANY man you look to for happiness will be able to exploit it and make you MORE unhappy. If you think you will only be happy IN a relationship, then once you are in one, and still unhappy, you will be terrified to lose it- no matter how miserable it makes you. And there's a very good chance that he (whoever HE is) will either exploit that vulnerability, because he can, or resent it, because you make him responsible for your actions, choices, and happiness...

 

My advice is to take some time to focus on yourself. Come up with a few different plans of how to have a happy fulfilling life. The more ways you can see yourself being happy, the less important/urgent any one plan will be, and the more flexible you will become at accepting when you can't always have what you want.

 

But I have to say, I kinda agree with your mom on this one...he doesn't sound like much of a prize. Nor does he sound at all like someone who will ever make you a priority in his life. Let him go and move on in your life.

 

Like I said before- take care of yourself FIRST, and the rest will follow.

[newwave]

I am not giving in sexually. That is not happening. I know from our conversation he wants more by his actions but sex isn't what he will get. He's not a player (he hasn't had sex in over 5 years).

[Batya33]

I am not giving in sexually. That is not happening. I know from our conversation he wants more by his actions but sex isn't what he will get. He's not a player (he hasn't had sex in over 5 years).

 

Only wanting sex with you doesn't make him a player and not having had sex for five years has no relevance to whether he would be a player given the opportunity.

 

He wants more by his actions - you mean the part about him not calling you for several weeks and his sharing with you that he was afraid you were going to use him to get knocked up (but he is happy to have intercourse with you as long as there is no commitment involved?).

 

Do you want to be with someone who would test you by offering you a casual sexual arrangement?

 

How's this working for you?