Agony, Depression and Hope...( in mourning )

[doejan]

Hello everyone. I am new here. This site seems like the place for me right now. I am in serious pain. This is a looooooooooong post, sorry....

 

I've been seeing a guy that I will call J for almost 4 months now. We've been doing the long distance thing. He lives in my state about 3 hours away which isn't too bad but he also works regularly in other states for periods of time. Everything with us started off great. We saw each other a couple of times and talked on the phone a lot. Our chemistry, attraction, likeness, etc was completely in sync- completely. We agreed to be exclusive. Then about 1 1/2 months into it, things started to go wrong in his life including; issues surrounding how his children were being cared for by his ex's new guy during his absence working out of state, and a very close sibling with failing health (complicated by the fact that his father passed 4 months prior).

 

Whenever something would go wrong with him he would hide. By that I mean him not responding to my texts or answering my calls for days on end. A few occasions when we planned for me to drive up and meet and emergencies happened. I believed his reasons for not being able to meet. The issue for me was him failing to answer my calls or respond to my texts when confirming plans for the day. I would call to firm up plans, get no answer or response from him and eventually figured out that our plans had gone south. Over the next couple of days I would call and text and still get no response. Within a few days, he would pop up explaining why he couldn't meet with me days prior. The lack of consideration and courtesy on his part created strain between us. meanwhile the desire to see my boyfriend grew more and more.

 

He was getting more bad news from the home-front and as his priorities shifted, he started to talk to me less and never brought up wanting to see me voluntarily. I started to feel less significant in his life. I would send texts for 2 - 4 days in a row before getting totally pissed off and texting something not nice. He told me more than once that I needed to stay on him with stern text messages whenever he starts to wander so I got used to having to be somewhat of a bicch in order to make him pay attention.

 

Things got worse. He found out that his own health was in trouble and he needed to have something removed. We didn't talk much in the days surrounding his procedure. About 2 weeks ago, after he started to feel somewhat better I proposed over text msg that we see each other and got no response. At this point, we had not seen each other in 2 months. As usual, he popped up when he was ready to.

 

Leading up to his procedure almost a month ago until now, our phone conversations have been anywhere from 5-8 days apart. Of course I would be trying to contact him within those days but would get no response.

 

He would apologize because I "paid," whenever something bad happened to him. He would neglect me for some reason whenever he had a hardship. I understood that he wanted to spend more time with his family and could have been patient IF he would have only mentioned wanting to see me soon. He never made any mention of making up any of the times he neglected me or left me hanging though. I felt like I was giving everything but getting nothing in return. Still, underneath everything that has been going on in his life, he really is a caring person.

 

We talked about 11 days ago when he was on his way out of town. He said we would make plans to meet once he got back. I texted him that night ( 4/28 )- got no response. One day passed with no call or text from him. I texted the following day ( 4/30 )- got no response. I texted him the following day ( 5/1 ) - got no response. Sidenote: We talked about him disappearing on me many times. He would acknowledge it and apologize. I even reminded him about it in one of the texts I sent between 4/28 and 5/1. Well, on 5/2, after hearing nothing from him in days AGAIN, I laid into him. I called him a selfish and ignorant individual. I said that any guy who looks at his phone, sees that his woman has tried to contact him but makes himself completely unavailable for days is being an ignorant dog. He hates being called ignorant. I did it once before in play but he later told me not to use that word with him. I told him that I would no longer be his girl if his plans were to talk once per week as a norm. I told him maybe he should find another fool because it wasn't going to be me anymore. I told him that he could either try to be there for me or step aside for a man who will. Well, I told him a lot of things. Still, no response from him. I sent other texts of the same nature the following day- no response. I let him know that I wouldn't be sending any more texts in the last text that I sent. Usually sending a brash text makes him pop up sooner, but I think I may have crossed the line this time.

 

On the 4th day of not contacting him after my angry texts (which goes against my normal behavior), I got a call from him. I picked up and couldn't understand anything he said, then the call dropped. I thought his phone went out of range and called him back- no answer. I figured he had probably hung up on me though. If he had something of substance to say he would have called back. This happened 2 nights ago. The morning after his drive-bay phone call, I sent a text letting him know that I wasn't sure what last night was about but it was obvious that he wanted a reaction. So I maturely summarized the mounting conflict and ultimately why only talking him once per week was where I drew the line. I let it be known that unless he started to give something to me that I would be going. In the course of the past several days I have let him know that he's about to lose me but I did not actually break it off.

 

 

Even though I did not hear what he said to me, I felt that it was negative and maybe even threatening. He has never called to say something spiteful then hang up. I planned not to text or call him but I failed- I will post my texts to him below. Again, I think I crossed the line by calling him ignorant. It didn't help that I let him know how close he was to losing me. I guess I will have to see what happens next, if anything...

 

I have been depressed for weeks. I was laid off a couple of weeks ago and the band that I play in has been in jeopardy. Feeling depressed over the state of my relationship with him has been affecting me for a couple of weeks too. This last drama with him has had me feeling even that much lower. I sleep 12-14 hours per day. I don't have any motivation to play my guitar or practice. Sometimes I shower every 2 days instead of everyday. I spend most of my waking hours sitting in bed. I play around online. I masturbate several times per day some days. It feels great for about 20 secs then it's over and I feel pathetic and more depressed. Seeing people kiss, embrace or being passionate on TV makes me feel uneasy and depressed. Seeing kids makes me feel depressed because I wanted that with him. We had talked about it and did not use precautions against it. The worst is anything at all to do with weddings. UGH.....makes me feel like crap. When I sleep, I dream about us. When I think about memories of us a cold, empty chill runs through me. It is the exact same feeling I felt when I would think about my mom right after she passed away.

 

I am trying to tell myself that it is over. That way I won't be more crushed if he doesn't call me back. I am such a fool for him. I feel so weak, waiting and hanging on in spite of telling myself that it's over. I just have no way of knowing what will happen now. Anyway, here are the last texts I sent to him. He has not called to respond yet. I WILL NOT send anymore.

 

I'm sorry 4 calling u ignorant, ignorant dog and idiot. That wasnt very nice. I can only assume that i crossed a line. In my defense, u told me to stay on u. I did remind u about ignoring me in a text i sent on 5/1. I sent 4 that day and others in the days b4 in which u didnt respond. By 5/2 i was really pissed. When i imagined u reading my nice texts, seeing the sexy pic i sent and putting ur phone down instead of responding with anything at all, i feel dissed and rejected. We had just talked about it but u still ignored me. So between us talking about it again, me reminding u in a nice way with no response, and u continuing to ignore me...created much anger. Sure, i didnt know what was going on with u that day. U could have been dealing with a bad test result from ur doctor or another setback in ur family. I realize i could have come off as inconsiderate. When i texted u on 5/1, saying i needed to talk, i wanted to know what happened with ur appt. I wasnt texting to bug u about meeting. Honey i try to get ur attn but nothing i try works except reading u the riot act. The angry texts i sent were full of hot air in an attempt to "wake u up." u said that my nagging texts didnt bother u. This time i went 4 the extra umph and said things i didnt even feel or believe at the time. I didnt want to play games or end our relationship. I just wanted to be tough and make u pay attn. I truly hate being mean to u but other methods fail. Im far from perfect. I hope that u can soon forgive me because my intention is never to hurt u intentionally. If i just plain went too far, to a point of no return, maybe one day you will be able to look back and know that I really did not try to cause you harm. I do not want to be with anyone else but i will have no choice in the matter if u decide u're through. Whatever the case will be, at least I've said my piece. Take care and know that I really do love you and never wanted to hurt you.

[j.love]

It is time to let it go. This man was not emotionally there for you and there were many problems on both sides.

 

Take this time to look inward and work on yourself. Its hard but you're just gonna have to motivate yourself to get out of bed and do things. Its gonna be hard at first you're just gonna go through the motions, but eventually you will be able to actively participate in your life again.

 

Good luck to you and your situation.

[lolgirl]

I dated a guy like the one you are talking about...we were on and off for about 3 years. Long story short...I eventually found out he was actually married, and also cheated on me with someone else other than his wife. Yeah...it was a bombshell.

 

Not that I think your SO is doing this to you, but I know how you're feeling...its soooo frustrating. You are constantly looking for answers, and it's slowly breaking you down. And my ex-ex used to do the same things you talk about...not talking to me for days at a time, making excuses...and I would always respond by being angry. Somehow, I finally found the courage to move on emotionally. The constant rejection from him finally got to me. I did a lot of soul searching, and I met my (now) ex, who taught me what its like to truly love someone again in a healthy relationship! Even though we didn't work out, I know I will always thank him for him unknowingly helping me get me out of my rut with my ex-ex.

 

I don't know what your SO is up to...but he's definitely not into the relationship. The sooner you find a way out, the better off you'll be. My best resources was my friends and my career. Find your strength and move on!

 

Good luck to you!

[doejan]

Thanks for the replies so far. I want to respond individually and I will later or tomorrow. Right now I'm just too emotionally and mentally drained.

[Ms Darcy]

Sweetheart, can you get a little perspective? It's been four months. I am so sorry you are depressed right now, but it seems like it is a good thing for this to end before it goes on for too long.

[doejan]

It is time to let it go. This man was not emotionally there for you and there were many problems on both sides.

 

Take this time to look inward and work on yourself. Its hard but you're just gonna have to motivate yourself to get out of bed and do things. Its gonna be hard at first you're just gonna go through the motions, but eventually you will be able to actively participate in your life again.

 

Good luck to you and your situation.

 

 

I know that I have to move forward but I find it hard to believe that our business is truly finished. I have to try having no expectations for anything in order to be ready to either move on or reconcile if he comes back. I will not be putting any more effort into it. I told him what I needed him to know and the ball is now in his court to do with what he feels he should.

 

An objective view is a good thing. If you wouldn't mind to elaborate, what are some of the many problems you see? There is a definite imbalance and unhealthy patterns going on, I know. When we started he was so, so, so into me. It remained that way until things started to go wrong in his life, that's when things turned into a mess.

[doejan]

Thanks for your reply. There are certainly some interesting parallels between your ex and my guy. It is possible that he has someone else although given other details that I did not disclose here, I am more inclined to doubt it. It is possible though.

 

He says that when he gets bogged down with a hard emotional issue, his focus basically shifts 100% to resolving that issue. Consequentially, a few heavy, heavy things came at him all at once. This is the reason for the change of priorities. I also think he started to feel guilty about not spending as much time with his kids as he should have been.

[doejan]

Sweetheart, can you get a little perspective? It's been four months. I am so sorry you are depressed right now, but it seems like it is a good thing for this to end before it goes on for too long.

 

 

Thanks for the response...

 

I realize that 4 months is not a long time but it doesn't mean that my feelings, dedication and commitment should be minimal. Yes, he has P'd me off to no end, but I have truly never felt anything like him before. Also, long distance relationships have a different type of intensity than regular relationships do. I have been in both types, more than once. As far as moving on goes, I will seriously try to accept that it's over but I really believe that he will contact me soon. Then again, he may not. He could feel that too much effort is required for this to work. He could contact me to officially cut ties. I will try to move forward in the meantime and I will deal with him contacting me, when and if he does.