Should I send this second email to him???? Pls help

[rebeccafisher2]

My ex were together for 5 years and have a baby boy together. We split up just over two months ago. He emailed me a long letter on Friday, saying he was sorry for a lot of things and talking about the end of our relationship. In response I sent him a very short email thanking him for the email and saying I appreciated what he wrote. Maybe some of you have seen from my earlier post, but i regret this response. i feel like I let him get away with saying what went wrong with us, and i didnt get my say. My response seemed dignified at the time, but now it just seems weak. I didnt stick up for myself or let him know what I really thought.

 

So, I was thinking of sending a second email. it would say something like this..

 

I have been thinking further and I think that since you sent me an email telling the truth on your side, I feel I should do the same.

I appreciate hearing your point of view of what went wrong in the relationship. I do acknowledge that I was depressed and there are things that I can work on to improve. I would also like to express the issues I have had with you in this relationship: I felt that you were not taking an active role in the care of our son. I felt that I was bearing the burden of dealing with issues your mother had when you should have been the one dealing with it. I was very hurt that you were constantly talking about other women. I felt that you were pulling away from me and our son and was not spending the time with us. You told your mother that I was failing as a mother and talked behind my back and yet at the same time you were accusing me of this you were turning your back on myself and your son.

 

You did not contact us for an entire month. For a whole month you did not care to contact me to at least see your son and find out how he is. Perhaps our relationship is over but that is no excuse for disappearing from your son's life without a word.

 

We will need to talk about how often you want to visit your son, and how you can contribute financially.

 

I think we need to move past talking about what went wrong in our relationship. We both see things differently and probably always will. You told me you thought i was a good person in your email, but prior to that you have treated me completely the opposite of that. To say things went too far in the end is an understatement. What you and your mum tried to do is in a way unforgivable. I will take this opportunity to tell you I want nothing to do with her. She can see our son, naturally, but I want you to be the person who picks him up and drops him off as I want nothing to do with her.

 

______

 

What do you think, peeps of ENA? Is this necessary, this email? Is there something i am missing... should I end on a more positive note or say sorry as well like he did? Should I not send it? one person said here previously that if I send an email like this he will only get defensive, and that i cant change how he sees things. Another person here said if I dont send this its like i am letting him walk all over me. Please help me with any advice you have. Thank you so much.

[rebeccafisher2]

PS I dont want to get back together with him, and he doesnt want to get back together with ME. This is more about clarifying things before going forward to just only communicating about our son and both moving on.

[AutumnBorn]

No, Rebecca, I wouldn't send it. And I wouldn't apologize for anything unless you recognize that you did something wrong and truly are sorry.

 

Unless you got up one day and disappeared without a word, he's heard these things, right? Bringing it up again, rubbing it in his face and trying to make him feel bad or guilty serves no purpose now. It's over. Let it go. He knows you're hurt and angry. You're gone. There's no clearer message, nothing more to say. If he didn't get it when you left, he never will.

 

You acted with class. You didn't lash out, you didn't insult him or belittle him.

 

If you must email him, leave out the 'you sucked' sentences and put a more positive spin on it. Tell him what you need for him to do right instead of the things he did wrong. ("I'm looking forward to arranging a visitation schedule for our son and think we can work it out so we're all happy with it." "It will be so important to our son to be able to spend as much time as possible with you." "I know you want to be a responsible parent. As the same sex parent, you're going to be the most important role model in his life.") You'll continue to garner more respect, be perceived as above the petty crap that drives a wedge between so many couples after they split, and a better human being.

[DN]

I think we need to move past talking about what went wrong in our relationship

If you believe this why are you sending him an e-mail doing the exact opposite? It's as if you are saying "I want the last word" before we move on.

 

Better to take the high ground for the sake of you son and not enter into the 'blame game' that he started.

[rebeccafisher2]

OK Thanks you two, sincerely.

 

By the way he has heard these things when we split, but i didnt let him know just how much his interfering mother had to do with our break up and her influence on him and his disloyalty to me by siding with her etc. i think I never went there because it would have been too hard to hear for him because he cant really change that (how she is anyway)

 

I really appreciate your answers, sometimes its so hard to know what to do yourself. When i read others posts, i can see clearly what to do, but when it comes to myself less so, for some reason?

 

Also, I imagine that after being single for two and a bit months he has probably has had some interactions with other women to say the least (because he is younger than me and i think he felt a bit too tied down with just me and a baby, he essentially loves clubbing and dating etc so i am sure hes been doing a lot of it) so sending an email like this sounds like i really havent moved on from thinking about these things whereas god knows he could even have a girlfriend by now and then I would feel pretty embarrased that I am still at the blaming part.

 

I was moving on really really well until I got his email on Friday. Since then I seem to be analysing things too much..

[OccultFigurine]

Great post, and great advice. If you worry that he might think you've not moved on, then keep your interactions focussed on what you want him to do in the future with his son.

 

Of course you're still going to be analysing what went wrong, what he's doing etc. But moving on is something you do largely on your own I think, and you should try and separate that from arrangments about access.

Good luck!

[lavenderdove]

People get defensive about criticism of their mothers even if it's true. It will feel like an unfair attack out of the blue if you bring her up now.

 

What you should do is wait until the next time she does something that is really bad/interfering, then talk about it while the experience is fresh in his mind (and yours).

 

I agree with DN to just take the higher road because you need to think about keeping a civil relationship for the baby's sake. Just talk to him about support and visitation issues, and if the topic gets open again you can express your feelings, but i would try to do it in person rather than in emails which are basically monologues rather than dialogs.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think it is a very good email except for the end.

think we need to move past talking about what went wrong in our relationship. We both see things differently and probably always will. You told me you thought i was a good person in your email, but prior to that you have treated me completely the opposite of that. To say things went too far in the end is an understatement. What you and your mum tried to do is in a way unforgivable. I will take this opportunity to tell you I want nothing to do with her. She can see our son, naturally, but I want you to be the person who picks him up and drops him off as I want nothing to do with her.

 

I would remove all that part and simply state:

Although we will never see eye to eye, I hope we can put the past behind us and work out visitation and child support issues to our mutual satisfaction. Given the fact that your mother and I have not seen eye to eye, I would prefer than any interactions regarding our child be with you directly..of course I have no problems with her seeing our son but I personally would like to limit my interactions with her and will therefore leave it up to you to arrange when she sees our son during his visitations with you.

 

I completely disagree with the other posters. I think in light of his email to you, you need to stick up for yourself. It is not a matter of taking the high road, it is a matter of making sure he understands that you have your side. I am sure he mentioned to you during the fights what you did wrong and yet he felt compelled to put it in a letter...likewise I think that what you said during fights can be blown off as "just high emotion". I think it is important to set the record straight so that he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are sticking up for yourself and do not take total blame just because he sent you a letter.

[AutumnBorn]

People get defensive about criticism of their mothers even if it's true.

 

And today, of all days, would be the worst to bring her up!

[AutumnBorn]

Crazy, I don't think she took any blame when responding to his message. Did I miss something?

 

I'm serious, if he didn't get it when she moved out, an email is not going to set the record straight. It's straight. She's gone and not going back. It was her choice. She's basically saying "anbody but you" and rightly so.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Crazy, I don't think she took any blame when responding to his message. Did I miss something?

 

I'm serious, if he didn't get it when she moved out, an email is not going to set the record straight. It's straight. She's gone and not going back. It was her choice. She's basically saying "anbody but you" and rightly so.

 

Thank you for your email. I appreciate what you wrote and I understand that you needed time to be able to be this way with me so dont worry for that.

 

This is what she had responded to him....This was after he disppeared for one month and didn't even bother to find out anything about his son. Had there been no children involved I would agree to leave it alone...but because he walked away and didn't even care enough to keep in touch for an entire month to find out about his son, that is why it makes my blood boil. He is making accusations at her and yet he walked away and didn't bother to care about his son for an entire month. How dare he ramble on about all the things she did wrong when he didn't even have any kind of paternal feeling to keep in touch and see his son and talk to his son.

[rebeccafisher2]

hmmm its kinda difficult that crazyaboutdogs dissagrees! I am totally in two minds. I do need at one point to say that i dont want to see his mum during visitation, but i can do that when it comes up?

 

Like DN says it does feel like I am trying to have the last word in a way if I send it. aaargh

 

Somebody (a friend) told me just after we split up, that i need to make him realise as much as possible that he is nothing without us in his life and I think after rereading the draft email that NOT sending it does that more efficiently

[rebeccafisher2]

Crazy maybe then an email explaining that I dont want him to come and go in our sons life is more relevant than responding about the reasons we split up etc?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Crazy maybe then an email explaining that I dont want him to come and go in our sons life is more relevant than responding about the reasons we split up etc?

 

Yes, I think that is the important message to get accross..that he can't toy with his son like that and disappear and re-appear whenever he feels like it..that his son needs a consisent father in his life.

[lavenderdove]

But you've said you've already said all these things to him before about what went wrong in the relationshipo.. saying them a second time won't change his mind. You have to be careful when breaking up with a child involved that you don't get into an endless back and forth war about whose fault it was and an angry 'you done me wrong' exchange...

 

You basically want to avoid doing anything that continues the drama and conflict and polarizes you as parents. The real issue now is that you both need to be a good parent and provide support for your son. I think it is perfectly legitimate to say you don't want him popping in and out of your life as that will just confuse your son, so he needs a regular visitation schedule set up.

 

And if you hate his mother, it is your home, so it is perfectly legitimate to say to him, you know how i feel like your mother is a controlling busybody and messed us up, so i don't want her coming to my house and reminding me of that. If she wants to see him, you need to pick him up and take him to her house rather than her coming around here.

 

So focus on what is relevant to raising your son in an amicable way. The split up was between you and him, and shouldn't impact his relationship with your son, so don't drag the split up into it, especially if you've already told him how you feel and it's been discussed before. Otherwise you're just flogging a dead horse and creating distance/drama between you.

[rebeccafisher2]

thank you lavenderdove

 

I have been away for a few hours thinking about this and I am decided that I wont send the email that says anything about our break up etc.

 

If I do send something I want to say something like this..

 

In my last mail I said I understood that you needed time away from me and our son. But I need you to know that I wont be willing to put up with it again. Your are either in his life or not, and I would appreciate it if you realise that our son needs stability in his life.

 

I may not send this either, but I may bring it up at a later date. As far as dealing with telling him I dont want to see his mum during visitation I am going to wait until it becomes an issue as someone suggested.

[rebeccafisher2]

I have a quick other question also. When we broke up he blocked me on facebook and changed his privacy so that others can only see his info and not his wall. I kept my FB the same, anyone can read my wall. Should I change it just in case he is going on there to look at what I am up to?

[Miss Firecracker]

I have a quick other question also. When we broke up he blocked me on facebook and changed his privacy so that others can only see his info and not his wall. I kept my FB the same, anyone can read my wall. Should I change it just in case he is going on there to look at what I am up to?

 

It really doesn't make any difference.

 

I wouldn't send him that last message either. It is a demand for him to be a good father, and that would be pointless. Either he is or he isn't, you know?

[OccultFigurine]

It's up to you Rebecca, but it wouldn't do any harm to make it 'friends only' that can see your wall. The only thing he needs to concern himself with is his son, your private life is nothing to do with him.

[lavenderdove]

What you should be doing is living your life without reference to him. So what if he looks on your facebook! Let him see you happy and moving on there!

 

So only change your settings if you feel like doing it in general, not in reference to him personally. You should be focusing on you, not him. Try to make that your way of looking at things, and you will heal faster.

[DN]

It is rarely a good idea to tell somebody something they already know - especially if it is a criticism or disparaging. And even more rarely is it wise to retaliate because that reduces it to pettiness.

 

All of the above is compounded when there is a child involved and telling him what he can and can't do in regard to his son, or whether he is a good father or not, is just going to make matters worse and adversely affect the child. You need to encourage good behaviour not criticise absence - it won't serve anyone. In the long run it could end up in court with a judge making decisions. So be careful about saying things like

But I need you to know that I wont be willing to put up with it again. Your are either in his life or not, and I would appreciate it if you realise that our son needs stability in his life.

that could rebound upon you. I strongly advise not going that route.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think sooner or later the issues are going to come up and he will have to be put in his place. His past behaviour is indicative of what one can expect from him. If you don't want to say anything now for fear of rocking the boat...you can wait..but I suspect at some point you will have to because fear of rocking the boat often leads to being taken advantage of even further.

[DN]

The problem with the approach of 'putting him in his place' is that it is combative and aggressive and starts wars. That serves no one especially the child and can end up being messy, expensive and decisions being made by courts instead of by the parents.

 

That is not to say people should not be assertive but there is a vast difference between assertive and aggressive.

[Miss Firecracker]

I imagine his reaction to the instructions will be a little like this.

 

"I'll show her."

 

It's the reason I won't be hateful and pushy with people that cook my food.