I'm feeling guilty...need to resolve this...

[Fudgie]

Okay, let me just put this out there, I feel as though I've been a terrible sister. and I think it's true. Hell, I know it's true.

 

I am the oldest and have 2 younger sibs, both with forms of autism. It was really hard growing up with them, mostly because I was resentful from the start. I was barely 3 when they were born and they required a lot of attention from then on, so my mom kind of "dropped" me. My father raised me from then on but I never really got over that feeling of "abandonment". I would try to get close with her for years but she was so busy with them (understandable) and she would push me away or just ignore what I would say. I always felt ignored.

 

Anyway, I was a crappy sister. I treated them like crap. I didn't beat them up or anything, but I was scornful, mean. When my brother bothered me, I knew just what to say to make him cry - hard. I ignored my sister when she talked. I hated them for literally YEARS for coming and "ruining my life". I didn't play with them, not like I could anyway...for years, my sister didn't talk. Funny thing is, I was a SAINT with the other disabled children at school, just not my own sibs. I couldn't deal with it. I wouldn't bring home friends because I was ashamed, and so, I had no friends.

 

Maybe I could have been a good sister, or maybe I would have been that "third parent" figure. I don't know. All I know is that I was so wrapped up in my own sadness/anger and totally cut them out of my life. They have never really entered it. I still have trouble seeing them as "siblings" simply because I am on a totally different level. Even after years of all that horrendous medication and therapy, we're still so different. *sigh*

 

Now I am growing up, and I am seeing them grow up. They are almost 18 now. My sister holds a job. My brother is looking into college. I am out of the home most of the time because I am currently in school myself.

 

I feel bad because I think about the negative impact I may have had on them, and know that there is NO way to fix it. I don't see them enough, and they don't talk on the phone/do online stuff to keep in contact. After all of these years of being so cold/mean, I don't really know HOW to be a sister. It's so uncomfortable now.

 

We are going our separate ways, namely me leaving the house and being independent, and they not so much. I guess we never really were, nor will be, together in the sense of the word. And the thing is, the way they are, they can't really talk with me about the past and feelings and such. They just can't. My brother acknowledges that I was a biotch, but that's it. My sister will just say that she loves me, but that's all she's ever said for years.

 

I have been thinking more about all the stuff and I am feeling more and more guilty, especially as their 18th b-day approaches. I want to say I'm sorry but like I said, they aren't that level yet where they can understand.

 

I want to say, I'm sorry for not being the sister that you needed and deserved. I'm sorry for being so wrapped up in my own hurt that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I wasn't there and I was so mean. I'm sorry I made my brother cry when he asked where I was going and i said "to get away from you" and then I disappeared for hours on my little bike. I'm sorry I TOTALLY ignored my sisters' first words after so many years of autistic silence, just because I was angry with the world. I'm sorry for all the times I made you guys cry, you didn't understand what I was feeling.

 

I guess I'm just sorry for everything. And I know given the circumstances, I won't be able to make it up. I can't "go back home" and make amends because I have my own life now. *sigh*

 

goddarn I'm all teared up now...

[digger11]

Hey girl, don't be so hard on yourself! If you want to reconcile, it's not too late. Your sister says she loves you and has always said that... well guess what... she probably does! They may not understand that everything entirely, but still tell them that you feel bad, that you love them, and that you would love to be a part of their life now. Make an effort to see them or just talk on the phone once every 7 or 10 days.

 

if you don't do that now you will end up feeling worse another 10 years down the road.

 

have you ever talked to your parents about this?

[Fudgie]

Talking on the phone for them is SO hard though. They learned social skills for the "phone" but they both HATE it. Talking to one on the phone is painful, they sound like robots and they want to get off ASAP.

 

My brother likes to text me after school when he is bored. We usually talk about random science or political topics. I think that is cute.

 

I wonder if my sister really means it though. She is very sweet and "happy", but I wonder how much of that is true. She was taught to "always love" family. Maybe she just says she loves me because it's the thing to do. She may not be aware of her disdain for me, and I can't blame her.

 

I have mentioned parts of this to my parents. My father tells me to "let it go" and my mother just bursts into tears. She's upset that I was a bad sister and she feels bad for them, as well as for me. So in that case, neither parent is really helpful.

[digger11]

You do have to 'let it go' though or else it will devour you!! I understand your guilt, but don't let it ruin a future.

 

Texting is great!!! keep doing that! do either of them have skype or is there computer set up for that? (you could get them a webcam for their birthdays) that way there is that "face to face" contact with voice. that may help their phone skills too!

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. Take it in, and let it go.

 

You're just feeling really guilty right now, that's ok! you're human!!

 

How far away from them do you live?

 

You sound like you really want to have a relationship with them, so start slow. no one says you have to be best buds immediately. Have you thought about reaching out to other people who have family members with autism?

[Fudgie]

I feel guilty even because it has taken me so long to feel guilty. I am 20 now..and this is relatively new for me.

 

I don't know about Skype...I guess I could. My mom's werid with them and the internet but she knew it was just me, then maybe.

 

I am about 200 miles away. I am at college for almost the whole year. When I come home, they are going to camps for the summer.

[digger11]

I'm only two years older than you so I know how it is to come to these realizations. it's hard, but we are becoming adults!! maybe skype would be a good thing! talk to your mom about it.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. One place to start might be to send them cute cards and say you miss them. Maybe over time they'll start getting used to receiving nice thoughts from you in the mail. This can begin to change the dynamic, so when its time to visit, you'll feel more relaxed and able to be kind to them.

 

No need for grand gestures that attempt to resolve everything in one swoop. Just start changing your behavior to reflect your change of heart. The rest may fall into place easier than you believe.

 

In your corner.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I know but I still feel a little bad

 

I worked out a TON of issues when I was 18 and I am much happier now. This is one of the few that remains.

 

I wonder if they would even want to do Skype. my brother texts me but outside of that, even when I am home, they don't seem to really make contact. my sister is the only one who seems somewhat happy, and then she goes back to whatever she's doing.

 

Times like these make me think that i've really screwed it up for good.

[turnera]

Are you in therapy?

[Fudgie]

Yeah but it's for other stuff, not this. I have some other things that I am actively working on...namely the fact that I am a college sophomore and don't seem to socialize well...at all. I get awesome grades but really, that's all I do at college. I do volunteer work, but that's on my own, no other kids.

 

I haven't discussed my sibs/family relations in therapy for years due to a bad past experience. Perhaps I will bring it up over the summer.