Confused.. Should I tell my husband my feelings?

[adidas77]

Hello

I recently got married to a man I have been dating for 4 years. When he asked me to marry him I was so happy and I was caught off guard. My husband is in the Army for 9 years and when it he asked me in October he was due to deploy in 2 months for a year. He had said to me that God forbid anything happen to him atleast he knows that I am taken care of. That was the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. I never thought we would really get married, ever. It was never discussed before and I never pushed the issue. I was married previously and hurt badly. We married 3 weeks later by the Justice of the Peace and had 6 friends over to celebrate. We did not even tell our families til weeks after.

Now that he has been gone I am wondering if I made the right decision. Our relationship was always unstable. I always had an issue with his drinking liquor. Whenever I brought it up, he would call me a hypocrite because I also like to drink. The difference is I know when to stop and I don't drink everyday. He does not know when to stop and will drink everyday. He has 2 DUI that he somehow got dropped. He has hit while driving intoxicated public property, signs, mailboxes.. on purpose. There has been so many nights of fighting when he gets to drunk. I don't like being around him at all because sometimes he is a very mean drunk.

Aside from the drinking, I know that I love him dearly, but now I don't know if I am still in love with him. The 4 years before we married were always filled with ups and downs. In the first year of our relationship, he had gone a week road trip with one of his buddies- all they did is drink and smoke marijuana. About a week after that he had an "episode" where he had disappeared for days. No one knew where he was at, none of his friends or family. One day I got a call from a hospital in NYC, he apparently walked in asking for medicine because he had had a headache. The hospital admitted him for eval for a week because all he was wearing was a pair of shorts. The MD believed he was bipolar. It the weeks to come as the story unfolded, he had drank, smoked marijuana and wandered around the city giving away money and his new truck. It took weeks to find where his truck was parked. After he got out he had meds for bipolar, depakote was one of them, that he refused to take. He was a little strange, talking differently. Not the man that I knew. After a few weeks he was back to his old self again. He had to see a psychiatrist to get the "label" of bipolar off to get back in the Army. The MD he saw was retired Army and diagnosed him with anxiety. I have always wondered about that. Since then he has not seen or talked to anyone, not even me. Whenever I brought it up, he never wanted to talk about it. He said if he felt anything he would let me know.

A year before we married we split up for several months because he was confused. At the time he was not working for several months and he was depressed and all we did was fight. I always kept saying in my head things will get better. After a few months apart we worked things out. Now I am not so sure. A couple of months ago his father passed at a young age of alcoholism. His maternal grandparents were also alcoholics. I met his father once, he was not a very nice man and hated life and women. Since his fathers death I started to feel like I made the wrong decision. At his funeral I had a flash forward of what my life could be. I am scared to deal of what might be with my husband. I know he will never seek professional help for his possible bipolar episode or alcoholism. I believe he is self medicating himself with the everyday drinking and marijuana smoking. He is almost 30 and had never held a good long term full time job. I feel guilty because I know that I do love him and want the best for him, but I am not sure I if I want to deal with this for the rest of my life.

I know I should have thought of this before, but I always told myself things will get better. I thought maybe if we married I would have more control over him to get help that I believe he needs. When he was home for the 2 weeks for his fathers death all he did was drink and smoke. I know it was a stressful time for him. I have tried to talk to him about his drinking since he has gone back and he gets defensive and says "don't worry I am no going to be like my dad", then in the next sentence "can you send me a care package with liquor in it"

I want to be happy and all I have been doing is stressing over this. I use to look forward to his call or emails and now I don't. I feel so guilty. Guilty that I may have made the wrong decision and I know I can't tell him anything I am feeling until he gets home. But then am I being true to myself? I feel like I am lying to him when he asks how I am doing. I honestly feel like when he gets home I am going to have built so much resentment towards him that it will never work anyway. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life with an alcoholic and possible bipolar man, especially if he does not want to ever get help. I guess my question is, should I be honest with him now before he gets home? I never thought I would feel that I would not want to be this man. And part of me hates myself for being so confused.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[DN]

Is he deployed and on active service in a war zone?

[adidas77]

Yes he is....

[RedDress]

Yeah... really? Too bad for you.

 

You married him. He is now deployed in a war zone. Now is NOT the time to be breaking his heart. Does that mean that you are being untrue to yourself? Well... those are the consequences of your actions. Should have thought of it before.

 

I am not saying that you don't have a legitimate problem. You do! One that will need to be worked on! Only, not when he is in a war zone. He is bi-polar. He has issues. He has a gun. He is surrounded by people who want to kill him... ya know? If you care about him AT ALL - even as a friend - you really can't be doing that.

 

Wait until he gets home. Yes, in a year. At that point, he will be home and able to cope with other issues. He will have councilling available to him. He might even be a changed man.

 

I think you need to honour your vows. That is the right thing to do at this juncture. You can worry about everything else later.

 

Sorry... that's just my opinion.

[Fudgie]

I agree with RedDress, there is a time and place for sorting out these issues and it is NOT when he's in a warzone.

 

Yes, these are legitimate issues and I do think you both need to seek some help for his drinking and work on your marriage. But you can't do that now. You need to wait.

[DN]

Yes he is....

There is a phenomenon of soldiers whose wives/girlfriends break up with them deliberately putting themselves in harms way or courting danger because their minds are so affected.

[Citlali]

Do not tell him now AT ALL. It would do nothing but pretty much push him to do something stupid over there, ESPECIALLY if he is bipolar.

 

Also, you should have thought about these things long and hard before getting married. Surely, you didn't just happen to notice all of this and be bothered by it. It has been going on for years. Yet just a little after marrying him you suddenly are so bothered by this that you may want to end the marriage and feel you might not be in love with him anymore? How is it now any worse or different than before you signed a piece of paper that said you were married? Why now is it so bad when it has bee so bad all along? Basically, it just seems fishy to me or senseless that only after marrying him it came to bother you to the point that you claim you may not be in love with him anymore. You JUST married him. If you feel you may not be in love anymore so soon, you probably felt this before and recklessly ignored it. Why would you get married with all those issues? In any case, you should wait until he is back and see if he will seek help. Try to work things out if possible.

[turnera]

Yep.

 

Do you have a friend you have met lately? A male friend?

[adidas77]

All your post are appreciated.

 

yes it has been something that has been in my head for a long time. I have tried to get him to talk to somebody a few times, but to avail. It really started to hit me when his father passed. Like I said I got a bad gut feeling when I saw a flash forward of my life.

 

Since my last post I have spoke with my husband, and always asks me how I am doing, if I met someone, if I cheated on him, ect. ect. He actually sent me an email yesterday that one of his buddies wives served him with divorce papers last week. He said if I feel anything changes to please tell him and not by email or divorce papers. I guess my guilt comes from that. I am lying to him. I have never lied to him, and now I have to until he gets home. I worried how enraged he will be when it finally does come out.

 

I am hoping that once he gets home that he will be a changed man.... but I have doubts. He has already said he does not need counseling. He has has not changed much in four years. He always turns back to drinking and smoking. He has never admitted he had a drinking problem.

 

I am not sure why I married him, I guess I was on some cloud nine and too happy to realize I was making a mistake... But he would of even been crushed if I said no lets wait.... I also have been venting to some of my close friends about this and some are telling me they were always worried about my relationship with him.. I am too nice, too forgiving all the time. I don't know I guess I am scared, I am going to seek counseling myself. I have other issues or stresses in my life that I need to take of.

 

I am going to wait til he gets home.... Like I said before, I am not happy with myself for the decisions I have made.... I just hate lying to him at this point. Who knows maybe it will be different when he gets home. I have some hope it will... I pray everyday it will..

 

For the post have I met a new male friend.... No but I do have male friends that I consider close friends that know my history.....