What about the mini-mes???

[kaboom1218]

I have yet to see someone with a similar predicament, but I'm sure someone out there has experienced it to some degree.

In short, my unofficial "ex" and I haven't spoken in almost 3 months. We had a big fight and he has yet to try to contact me. I tried to contact him several times to no avail, which is fine; I realized it wasn't the best thing for either of us. But I just don't appreciate how he handled it, by totally avoiding the situation and cutting me off so callously.

 

The biggest dilemma and tragedy is I bonded with his 4 yr. old daughter and I feel bad that I have been so abruptly removed from her life. We were cautious at first about me meeting her for this very reason, but we both thought enough time had passed. So, I'm just wondering how has anyone dealt with the loss of not one, but 2 important people? She and I had such fun together and a great connection that I know she doesn't have with everyone.

 

I know there's not much to do, but just wondered how to approach the situation. I would LOVE to see her again, moreso than her father, as she did nothing wrong and is more loyal at her age than he could ever be. I did leave him a message saying I missed her and hoped to see her again, but he never really responded. Oh well, I guess it's an unfortunate downside of breaking up, but it would be nice to see her every now and then. Don't think that would do anymore damage than being snatched from her life. I know she's asked about me. What to do, What to do After her father left me blue?

[vitalcoaching]

Hi, sory to hear that. I can imagine that you really care about this little girl.

 

I'll be direct, okay?

 

there is nothing you can do. When you break up with someone, you don't jsyt loose that person. You loose his whole network of firends, activity, family connections, places, etc.

 

His daughter is his responsibility. It's tough and unfortunate for you but that's his "territory". It's part of his energy reality and nothing can be done about it. He is in power.

 

You can always try to "beg" to see her in the name of what you two shared and what you invested in her education (if you did). He might respond to that, but apparently, there are little chances.

 

When you break up with him, you don't just break up with a person, you break with his "whole world". It's all that you have to let go.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[kuhl282000]

Hello Kaboom

 

You answered your own question in your post, when you said you guess it is the downside of breaking up. Yes, you are right on when it comes to loosing something you care about. People get connected with people, relatives, children, dogs, cats, birds. The list goes on and on. and when you break up we all sometimes loose that wonderful connection. The reason is, it is for some just to painful to bring up the past. It can get messy in the long run. When someone moves on, you don't want to explain to the new people coming into your life about the old. You did noting wrong, but you have to realize that if you were the one that was dumped. Then your self esteem is playing tricks on you a little. You will come out of it in time the stronger person. But for now, making contact with the child may be a hidden agenda just to keep him around in your own way. I'm sure you love and care for the child very much. But in the long run sometimes it is just better to remember the memories. And have a clean break, and just move on. That is why your ex has not contacted you. When people break up sometimes it involves allot of people. I will suggest you look up the song "WHITE FLAG" the artist is "DIDO" . It is a wonderful song, and if you listen to it. You will find everything you want to say and are unable to say in the words to the song. I suggest you download it or buy the CD. Let me know if you find the words in the song. No crying......have a super weekend it is Friday, go have some fun. Life is for the living. Time to move forward, and don't live in the past. read the quote at the bottom.

 

Be Strong !

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[kaboom1218]

Thanks so much for the insight, guys. Vital coaching, your name is so appropriate, because you offered some to me now. It was cool of you to respond, Kuhl. I've read other posts by you and you always offer great advice. I know I have to let go of the situation and everything involved, but I must admit that her absense hurts the most. I'm not gonna let it get me down. I have so much going for me and to be thankful for.

 

Since you all have such great advice to offer, have you been successful in love since your the past failures we must all experience before getting it right? I just wondered if those that give such sound advice apply it in their own lives. Holla.

[kaboom1218]

Well, Idiot Man, as we'll call him, finally contacted me after almost 3 months of no contact. (Read prior posts for original question) And I guess it's so ironic that he finally contacts me about his daughter the same week I post a message on here about her. He basically said that he had no right contacting me after all of these months, but he couldn't deny his daughter's request to say 'hi' to me. And that she's asked about me practically every week and that I've impacted her life.

 

Can you believe this mess? No apology or mention of how he's kept me hangin' all of these months after I made numerous attempts to contact him. Just don't acknowledge me, but mention your daughter cares about me more than you ever could or could show? So what do ya'll think? I believe I can separate the 2 and see her w/o really having much of an association w/him. I would like to see her periodically and feel that's not too out of the question. But maybe that's all he wanted to say, but I feel he has alterior motives and why contact me now and tell me she's been asking bout me? Please give your thoughts. I would appreciate it.

 

Peace

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I'll be direct okay?

 

You are jumping to a whole lot of conclusions:

 

What he says is: "She misses you", "maybe you could see her once..."

 

I don't see in his words a hidden agenda or a long term committment to giving you the right to see her regularly.

 

You are already expecting far too much from it. Take it lightly, visit her one day.

 

Ask yourself: "what happens the day he has another woman in his life". There are are hundreds of reasons he could "cut you off" anytime. You have no control over it. If you invest in it, you'll get hurt.

 

Take it lightly. You'll feel better about it.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[ydubel]

It's unfortunate, but you're right. There's nothing you can do, except learn from it and move on.

 

Have you started to look at why you chose him? And have you examined the early signs that your feelings weren't important to him? How did you address it and why did you stay at that point?

 

I think these kind of questions will help you put the relationship behind you because you will come to understand why it didn't serve your highest good. Best of all it will become a learning experience rather than a painful memory.

 

Learn now so you don't repeat the mistake. Remember relationships are always growth opportunities, especially the one you have with yourself.

 

Be well.

 

Here for your success,

Y. Dubel

[kaboom1218]

Hey Guys,

 

Thanks for the replies. I'm really stuck right now and don't know how to proceed. I want to see her of course and possibly have a friendly association w/him, but as some of you've said, nothing is guaranteed and I might be opening myself up for more disappointment and pain. And I don't want to confuse the daughter, though it seems like my absense has been as hurtful to her too.

 

So, do you think I should just cut my losses? I had just, I mean, JUST, taken her pictures down finally which was really saddening and right after that point he decides to finally contact me. Or should I at least try to see her or set up a meeting? What should I say to him? Any additional thoughts would really be appreciated. It's like the difficulty never ends, it just shifts.

 

Peace

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I think it's okay to stay in contact in a light way, but without expecting anything in return.

 

If you feel that you simply can't and it might be too hard, not encouraging contact or not responding to invitations might be a wiser solution on the long term.

 

If you want an advice, I would give it a try once: go, see her. Don't make any plans. No promesses. No other appointments. Don't bring presents. Simply don't invest yourself emotionally into it. Enjoy the moment. Share, laugh, have a good time. Stay an hour. Then go.

 

Observe how this makes you feel for a week. Is it good or is it bad for you. You won't get and answer unless you try and experience it.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck

 

vitalcoach

[Scout]

You know what? There is nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with this little girl. Children benefit from positive adult role models in their life. Will help her see that people don't just disappear in life. I think you could send her a little present now and then, birthday and Christmas cards, etc., and visit with her if he is fine with that. Just because its over with him doesn't mean you can't stay in this little girl's life even if to just a small degree. But I would only suggest this if you are not thinking of using this situation to see the ex, get back in good with him, etc.

[kaboom1218]

Thanks for the additional replies. I'm definitely not using the daughter as an excuse to reconcile w/her father. I can process them both on different levels. He is the one that came to me and brought her into the equation, so to me, that means he would at least like to see me. Unless, that's all he was contacting me to say, which I doubt. Do you think he's using her as an ice breaker to get back in or is he finally struck w/a bit of understanding and compassion?

 

If so, why has he waited 3 months to do so? I'm not tryin' to overanalyze the situation, but I never knew when I'd hear from him again and since he's approached me w/the safer subject of his daughter, I have to determine how to proceed and knowing his intentions would help. Anyway, if anyone might be able to surmise his reasoning, that would help.

 

Peace

[ydubel]

Whoa there! I think that line of thinking is only going to put you on a road you don't want to be on. If you're really feeling like you have to know then just ask him. But be forewarned...asking questions like that can be quite loaded. Why? Because I have observed that frequently you already know what you want to hear and if you don't hear that it can start the pain all over again.

 

I agree with vitalcoach. Enjoy whatever time you get with the little girl and put the past relationship with the father aside. If he wants to try again, he'll let you know. You will not have to guess about it.

 

Remember any relationship that leaves you feeling that your only recourse is guessing what the other person is thinking/feeling etc. is a realtionship that needs to be reconsidered. Honest clear communication is the heart of a good relationship and the mother of trust.

 

I hope that is helpful to you.

 

Wishing you only the best,

Y. Dubel

[kaboom1218]

Hi...Thanks for all of the responses. I am trying to keep it light and not put too much emphasis on the situation. But it's hard when it seems like he has cracked open the door, but only enuf for me to fit one foot in. If he's gonna just take baby steps and be elusive, then I'd rather he stay gone. I do appreciate him letting me know about his daughter, even if that is all I find out, so I should let that be the focus and leave it at that.

 

It's really hard, because I feel on the verge of really telling him how I feel and that if he continues to act unsure, I will make up his mind for him. Has anyone dealt with anyone who acts unsure finally come around and at least have a friendly association with them? I just doubt that things will improve and not backslide. Anyhow, I guess NC worked for me to an extent, but he is still very vague and indefinite about the situation. I think it's a wrap guys. But so be it. If he can't make up his mind, he doesn't deserve any part in my life anyhow.

 

Peace