For those looking to reconcile, please keep something in mind...

[cherryberry123]

I signed up onto ENA after months of not being able to heal after my breakup. To keep my story short, my ex broke it off with me because I did not treat him well. I did not appreciate his efforts to keep me happy. I hurt him emotionally, and his feelings were eventually lost.

The breakup was extremely difficult on my end, I ended up getting counseling because I knew I couldn't lose another great guy in the future due to my actions. He became cold and distant, I felt like I couldn't recognize him anymore.

I used to turn to Yahoo answers, ENA, friends, and family for advice...and there is one thing I learned (and this is what I think people should keep in mind)...

 

DON'T LET OTHERS CONTROL YOUR DECISIONS

 

What do I mean by this? When I was asking others on advice on what to do, I found the breakup SO much harder to deal with. I heard it all...](*,)

 

-"He doesn't like you anymore. Leave him alone. He doesn't want you in his life"

-"Go NC and let him go. He will come to you"

-"You don't deserve to be happy. Why are you expecting sympathy? I'm glad he isn't with you"

 

etc. etc. etc

 

I felt overwhelmed! I conjured up this idea that 1) he hates my guts...2) he doesn't want me in his life...3) he doesn't care.

I was depressed for months, and the thing is I kept following everyone's advice on staying NC...thinking he didn't want to speak to me ever again. There was a nagging feeling inside of me to ask to meet up, but I kept brushing it off thinking "I can't make rational decisions yet. Everyone else knows best"

One day (after months of feeling depressed), I finally decided to go with my gut and contact him. A lot of people kept warning me "He might not comply. He may reject your offer". I was nervous, but I felt like staying NC was doing more harm than good for me.

 

Guess what happened?

-He did not hesitate to meet up one bit! Sounded eager, imo

-We met up and caught up. A bit of flirting went on

-I apologized for the past and explained what I've been going through. He was completely understanding. I was having trouble getting the right words out, but he was patient with me and listened to everything I needed to say

-I even told him I thought he hated me. He started tearing up and said "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I never hated you. Ever"

-We are currently in contact now. He promised we will stay in touch more, and everything is going great. We plan to hang out sometime soon. I finally saw the same guy I once knew again

 

Getting back together may be an option in the future, but I'm just SO ECSTATIC knowing he doesn't hate me. I realize now that other people were helping me conjure up this idea. He was so happy to see me! I felt like the dark cloud finally diminished after months of haunting me. If I didn't work up the courage to make my own decision and contact him, I would still be suffering. If I listened to others and stayed NC, I would never be where I am now.

 

Just keep in mind:

-YOU know your ex best...and how your relationship was! Not your best friend, ENA members etc.

-Believe me...it's better to regret your own decisions than to regret the decisions that were made for you

-It's easy for others to freely give advice...but you are the one who is going to pay the ultimate outcome/consequence

Please note: I'm not saying "Don't listen to others! Just do what you feel". People give great advice and it's nice to get different perspectives. Also, after a breakup...your decisions become irrational for a bit. Your emotions are high, and I think NC is great to sort out your thoughts and really analyze the relationship.

Main point I want to get accross is: After you had some time to reflect and thought out your decisions, go with your gut, I had a nagging feeling inside of me to contact him, but other people's advice were preventing me to do so. I can say following my own gut was the best decision I ever made. Imagine if I just followed other people's directions?

 

I felt like a puppet, and now the strings have been cut. I feel liberated and freed.

[warmpandacola]

Yeah, my first break up I went through a month of no contact and ended up getting back together because I went with my gut one night. If I had not gone into no contact I don't think we would have gotten back together. At the time I wanted that but that relationship went splat.

 

My recent break up with a different guy I did no contact for 7 days and broke it. The last few days I've been doing that whole irrational thing and am starting to think no contact would be good. I also feel like I've said some things that completely ruining reconcilation. it's hard for me to no talk to him and there a million things people say or think but they have only an outside bias view. Even we have our own bias view.

 

I agree that it's best to make your own choices. Whether they turn out good or bad you can atleast learn from it.

[fuddiduddy]

This is good advice. However, for me, during this period of overpowering emotional heartbreak it is very difficult to determine if it's my gut talking, or my mind or heart. I often cannot tell and cannot see the forest for the trees.

 

Last week, I took my therapist's advice and broke 10 days of NC at his urging. He felt that since it was eating me up so bad to contact him about a personal situation of his, I should just do it. What he neglected to tell me was that I should've kept it ONLY to one attempt of contacting and to be prepared for a non-reply. And even though I repeated to him the rationale for NC that I learned here, I still went ahead with his advice because in his words, my situation "is different" (meaning we broke up due to factors unrelated to the relationship itself--and that the relationship was basically a "healthy one").

 

The results weren't good, because due to my still being in pain, I was too impatient with the ex's slow responses. This led me to contact again, and then to misinterpret the tone of his texts when he finally did respond. During the middle of all this, I literally said to myself, "I'm gonna follow my gut all the way...now I'm gonna just give him a piece of my mind!" WRONG! The resentment I've been harboring, the blame and accusations all came blurting out. Of course, it all snowballed into something nasty, with him ending the exchange at "Dont ever text or call me again!" It's all right here:

 

Now where am I? I'm severely crushed and feel stupid. I'm constantly beating myself up because I feel I needlessly caused him to now hate me, whereas before, we were at least friendly. I was composed, I was confident (at least by appearances) and I believed our chances were good-to-excellent at reconciliation. But that's changed now and it's all my fault. I think he thinks I'm some kind of lunatic. It could've all been avoided, I think, if I would've just kept to NC.--I was doing so well at it and could've easily continued it with no problem. This is one time where if I were going to follow my therapist's advice, I should've done so a little smarter, i.e., send one text and one text only, and STILL garner advice from ENA member before doing so.

 

Now, NC is imposed again, but this is because I have no choice. I'm just left hoping and praying that with time, he will forgive my apology and come to like me again at least. (I made one final apologetic phone call to his voice mail--I knew he wasn't gonna respond and I doubt he ever will. I still felt it needed to be done.). Also, I hope he realizes that it was my pain speaking rather than any ill will. I know it shouldn't matter to me, but it does anyway.

 

So in short, following your gut might or might not always yield the best results. I guess it probably depends on your frame of mind at any given point.

 

All I know is that I've pushed away the person who I loved more than anything and I'm not sure he'll ever feel the same about me again. I cannot adjust to the fact that I can no longer tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. And I cannot believe I won't be hearing it from him either. I feel like vomiting.

 

God help me.

[Poetry Guy]

Cherry,

 

This was an excellent post that I'm sure many people on here will appreciate and benefit from; one that may also give some of us on here an added perspective on how we choose to offer advice to others. The old saying goes that you could ask 50 people for advice on a given situation and get 50 different answers. In a way, that can certainly make things even more confusing in the aftermath of a breakup with so many different opinions and perspectives being thrown our way while we're going through our own emotional chaos already. lol Nevertheless, you've also simultaneously validated the merit of going NC as an integral component to the overall healing process. The advice may not have been what you wanted in your gut, but you still did stick to the NC routine and it still worked out in your favor in the end. I think things might have worked out alot differently if you had broken NC sooner.

 

When I joined this site, I was all over the place trying to get as many opinions and as much advice as possible from really every different angle - taking both the good, the bad, and the neutral. It may have come accross as wishy-washy and indecisive to some of the other posters here, but my main goal behind doing what I did was to help give me a better understanding of the relationship in general and to put myself in my ex's shoes (I was the dumper) even at the expense of potentially making myself out to be the bad guy and the reactions that it might elicit in other women who have been hurt and broken up with. To be honest, I sometimes appreciated the most critical advice the most because that was the advice that really allowed me to gain a better understanding of how my ex might be feeling right now.

 

She was very hostile and angry after I broke up with her, and I don't fault her for that per se, even though I also don't believe in being hateful, spiteful, and malicious towards someone whom you once loved. At the same time, because of who I am as a human being, I do want to be able to apologize to her and to give her some closure...but for now, I know and respect the fact that she's still pretty pissed and is more than likely not going to be receptive to anything that I have to say. Either way, as I continue to heal and mend I will reach a point where I feel fully comfortable in "doing what's right". It still may not be what she wants to hear, or needs to hear, but its nevertheless one of those things that I feel I must do in order to be able to fully walk away from this situation with dignity, grace, integrity, and the comfort of knowing that I did my own absolute best regardless of what the outcome is when I make the decision to go ahead and contact her again.

 

Thanks for this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you should cut these people some slack. You treated your ex badly and because of that he became cold to you. Everyone's advice was based on the fact that you treated your ex badly. Had you contacted him right away you may actually have been met with the kind of reception people were warning you about. So you did indeed follow their advice which was indeed sound advice for the immediate aftermath of a break up. It was only after many months when you had a chance to reflect that you contacted him. Those months gave him a chance to cool down. So the person you did NOT recognize when things broke up was the person who was incredibly hurt by your actions. The person you once again recognize is the person who had a chance to cool down and reflect during the months you listened to your friends etc and maintained NC.

[uncomfynumb]

People here can offer you an objective and unbiased opnion and that is the beauty of it. An objective view is something that is very difficult to do when you are emotionally invested.

 

I came here and started posting a week after my breakup and I was mad; I was very angry and every family member and friend that I talked to was mad right along with me. They were biased. They loved me so much and wanted to be supportive and felt my pain. So again, helpful yes but objective, no.

 

There is not one person that I've advised here that I did not truly wish the best for. I

don't know most of you from a Adam; doesn't matter. The amazing thing about this

forum is that we are here and that the interest is sincere. The main problem here is that

often times we are given advice that we don't really want to hear. And that is when you

get stuff like this.

Blowing smoke up one's butt to try and make them feel better has never been my cup o

tea in real life or here. I don't run on hope and I would never advise anyone to. But if

hope floats your boat, more power to you. Just have some life preservers on board.

That's all I'm saying.

 

So many people here are here because they want

to reconcile and in that process become blind to

everything else. The sad reality is that most people don't reconcile and the ones that do usually end up breaking up again. And the ones that do stay together don't start over from scratch brushing the past under the rug. They start again and discuss the issues that separated them in the first place. If they don't the issues will most likely resurface.

 

What CAD posted is correct.

[getbiii]

i've know what you mean, i never did NC the most NC that ever went on was around 4 days, but she dumped her rebound for me and we have been seeing each other daily for 2 weeks now and it keeps getting better =)

[cherryberry123]

Not exactly. I don't know if my point was made clear.

The decision of going NC was of my own. I didn't have anyone to talk to at the start of the breakup. One traumatic night finally led me to stop contact. I wasn't aware of this NC rule till after a month when I started seeking help, but I knew in my heart that I could not continue to torture myself. I held onto him for 4 months after the breakup, and kept leaving the wound open. He was claiming to be seeing someone new, and I did not want to be labelled as the "crazy ex"

I was never placed in this position before, so I did not know how to act.

After a month of not hearing from him, I decided to seek help from others because the pain wasn't going away. I heard having emotional support from others helps with healing.

The thing I want to warn others about is how people can make you conjure up images about yourself. People kept telling me I was a horrible person. I specifically remember someone telling me "Are you that stupid?! He said he doesn't want you. He wants nothing to do with you. Leave him the f alone!".I started to believe I deserved this. I started to believe I had a mental illness. I just started to believe everything that was told to me. I assumed everyone else was right, and anything in my mind was wrong. I was fragile.

 

The thing that bothered me the most was when I was starting to feel like I can make reasonable judgment on my decisions, people made me feel otherwise. Even after he decided to contact me first, people kept making up strange reasons..."He's just trying to get an ego boost."..."He's trying to make his girlfriend jealous. Don't talk to him" etc etc.

I felt like he would never do anything to hurt me, but by the way he treated me at the end...I didn't know what to believe.

 

What I learned and want to get accross is:

-People start making theories about your relationship. When you're fragile, you believe what is being told. Be aware of it. People were making my ex look like the bad guy, and he never was. No one knew my ex better than I did, but I began to share their perception. The one person who really knows the answer is your ex. I spent months trying to figure him out, and it would have been easier to just ask him...but I felt like people were preventing me to do so.

-Be confident in your decisions. Don't let others rule your life. Even a couple of days before my decision to meet him, friends were telling me not to do it. It's like scare tactics were used..."He's going to brush you off. He doesn't care"

-I forgot to mention this...DON'T LET OTHERS TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL. People were telling me I should be over it by now. They weren't the ones in the relationship, I was. Please don't tell me how to feel.

 

Like mentioned earlier, I think there is amazing advice given by others...but just be AWARE that they do not completely control/influence your decisions. I was treating people's advice as if they were given by God. As if they were set in stone, and I HAD to follow those rules. BUT, every situation is different. You know yourself best.

[cherryberry123]

Remain in NC till things settle in a bit. I think you aren't thinking rationally yet. I know what you are going through. I held onto my ex and contacted him everyday for 4 months after the breakup. He just got so fed up with me, so I finally went NC.

Continue to talk to your therapist and keep yourself busy. Stay strong, and don't let anyone make you feel like psycho. You're not. I felt like a lunatic too, but emotions were running high..and we tend to make irrational decisions.

I think in your heart and mind, you know exactly what to do. A part of you that says "I know I shouldn't be contacting him". Listen to it. Don't fall into temptation. After the breakup, I knew I should stop contacting him...but I ignored it. I remember I kept telling my ex I needed to let him go, but he would say something that would give me hope again. I was too stubborn. It was only after a pretty traumatic night that I finally said to myself "What am i doing?! This is ridiculous"

Don't worry, I'm sure he will start wondering about you eventually. People kept telling me I would never hear from my ex again, but I did. They aren't robots..they still wonder.

Take this time to better yourself and clear your mind. You'll have your thoughts straightened out eventually..be confident.

[cherryberry123]

I don't deny it at all. We all need to take the harsh advice on the reality of the situation.

I'm just hoping people don't get too influenced by what advice is given.

 

You give this statement saying "Most people don't reconcile", but there isn't any evidence. There may be the possibility that those who do reconcile do not come back to ENA. A majority of people on here are looking to reconcile, or to heal etc. It's hard to say.

I'm not trying to give false hope, but I'm also not going to tell someone "There is no way you guys will get back together". How would I know? Every situation is different, but people know themselves best.

I certainly don't want to be the one screwing up one's chances of being with their ex just because I tell them "Very small chance he/she will come back. Don't even try. Move on". People told me there is no way my ex would even talk to me..they were dead wrong. Not only does he talk to me, he ENJOYS talking to me. Heck, he was the one who suggested staying in contact and the one who texted me a couple days later.

[coolchick64]

Cherryberry, point well taken. We all do our best around here, but the truth is that our opinions are colored by our own experiences. A lot. It's very easy to project things into a situation that aren't really there. Also, you can only convey so much of what's going on when you write a post and other people can't know all there is to know. It's good to take their opinions with a grain of salt. If it doesn't apply, let it fly!

 

Hope everything continues to go well with your ex. I imagine it's indeed VERY healing to have cleared the air with him. I've always been a little hesitant about NC. (Well, that and I suck at it!) I think there's a time to let things settle and NC is good for that. But I also think it's good for both parties if you can re-open up the lines of communication. Not that it has to lead to reconciliation or even friendship---just some peace. It's very hard to have loved and been loved by someone, only to have them transform into a stranger, or worse, someone who hates you. I've reconnected with all of my exes sooner or later, just to set things right, and I've never regretted it.

 

Also want to add that, although I'm not exactly a cheerleader for reconciliations this week, I also agree that many things can happen and reconciliations happen all the time. As long as you keep a level head, there's no harm in being open to whatever might come.

[Tangz]

I agree. Its good to hear advice from others. I have been told great advice but also some advice ive listened to I kinda think it won't apply in my situation.

 

I agree with this thread.

[Rotxsen]

Tch, it's been half of year and three months on NC I been wondering if I should do this? Then again three months ago I was rubbed in the face of much better he is then me and got no idea if they still together or what she is doing I guess I'll just let my silence speak in volumes and forever wonder because I don't even dare to go to her profile

[cherryberry123]

Tch, it's been half of year and three months on NC I been wondering if I should do this? Then again three months ago I was rubbed in the face of much better he is then me and got no idea if they still together or what she is doing I guess I'll just let my silence speak in volumes and forever wonder because I don't even dare to go to her profile

 

How badly do you want to speak to her?

She rubbed it in your face about how much better the new guy is?

 

Take the time and weigh out the benefits and risks of contacting her. In my own situation, I felt like staying NC was hindering me instead of helping me let go.

Everyone gives advice on these set rules "Dumpers must contact first. Dumpers must make it clear they want you back. Stay NC". I hate these rules, because I feel like I'm playing a game. I felt like my head was going to explode. Every one of my actions/moves were carefully planned out.

 

What is it that keeps you holding on?

 

The best advice I can give you is asking yourself what you want and expect from contacting her. If it would help you or hinder your progress. Make your decision on what feels right, and not on what we say is right.

[stu1973]

Cherryberry,

 

From a personal point of view, I strongly value the opinions and advice of people on here and friends for a number of reasons. The main one being throughout my relationship I made some terrible decisions that I made myself as I'm inexperienced in relationships ( they weren't nasty, unpleasant or anything, I thought I was doing the right thing to take us forward, instead I was sabotaging it), if I'd known about this site during my relationship, I'm convinced we'd still be together. At the time, I had no-one to ask advise from, so I messed up, simple. Most people on here are far more experienced than I am, and can interpret things better than me. Since it ended and I found this site, it's been brilliant, as I know it's taught me so much about relationships and where I went wrong. Without it, I'd still probably be pleading with her, and in a much worse place

[cherryberry123]

Oh man, people just keep getting the wrong idea.

I am not saying don't value other people's advice, I'm just saying take it with caution.

You will never know for sure whether or not taking advice on ENA would have helped winning your ex back.

You were inexperienced but now you learned your lesson through personal experience. I always try to keep in mind that the most valuable lessons are the hardest to learn.

I just don't like this "Don't ever contact your ex. Go NC till they speak to you. They have moved on, you should too etc etc". I hate this game playing. Every relationship and situation is different.

You should take the advice of others but weed out the ones that doesn't feel right.

For me, I felt pressured to do things that weren't comfortable for me.