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Poetry Guy

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  1. How's married life treating you? Have you and your husband been together for awhile?
  2. We're way beyond hanging out and texting. Your comment was lame enough that you should've refrained from posting it.
  3. Fine, great advice. I'm creepy, controlling, unhealthy, and it's a universally accepted truth that 6 months is the arbitrarily assigned milestone that must be reached before those words should be exchanged. You all literally know nothing about people or relationships. I'll stick to what got me to this point with this person.
  4. There are so many ridiculous assumptions being made that I've requested to have the thread deleted.
  5. The actions speak the words, but I'd still like to hear it. I think I'll have a gentle conversation with her tonight on our date to try to find out why she's afraid of saying it. It won't be an attempt to get her to say it - if it's forced it means nothing - but to find out what she's scared of.
  6. 2 months. We talk and text every day and hang out twice a week. The talking and texting every day has been that way since after our very first date. It's not too soon at all and the person who said that clearly knows very little about true love or relationships and is probably one of those who adheres to artificial time tables that society arbitrarily imposes.
  7. She proves it in every single way; with her words and with her actions. She's called us soul mates, she wants to have a future with me, but she has yet to tell me that she loves me. I know she does, I see it in everything, but I would really like to hear it for the first time. :(
  8. I did suppress and internalize all of the distrust and sketchy, shady things and I'm sure it probably all came out when I was both drunk and medicated that night. As I stated before, I was wanting a break so that I could really gather my thoughts and address these things with her, but drunken stupidity screwed that up for me. I've done my best to rationalize it as well as piece things together from the text messages and this is the best that I've been able to come up with: I definitely called her out on at least some of this if not all of it, I was not nice about it, but at the same time if it was so godawful she wouldn't have continued texting me for more than an hour afterwards. After I apparently hung up on her there was a text from me saying "Forgive me for my harsh words, I'm heavily medicated" (with no mention of being drunk, for whatever reason) and texts from her saying "I told you I was sorry, but by all means, please continue" while I repeatedly made reference to her lies. Towards the end, she said she "was sure I would find someone who deserved my love and attention". There were a couple of texts talking about a trip we had planned and then nothing else as I'm sure that was the point at which I passed out. And that's why I feel terrible. Knowing that, in all likelihood, I really chewed her out and said terrible things so that when all is said and done, she may very well be justified for completely cutting me out and refusing to speak to me. It's a tough pill to swallow and it's left me with a very guilty conscience. No matter what she did, that doesn't justify or excuse me being mean/rude/insulting. It was avoidable too. Had she texted me earlier instead of leaving me hanging all day and all night, had I shut my phone off, had I texted back that I was drunk and in bed, or most of all, had I not been drunk to begin with, things wouldn't have ended the way that they did. Timing is a hell of a thing. I imagine I was no more than a few minutes from just passing out as well. Those are all things that haunt me as I struggle to process all of this and never knowing for sure. It's hard to forgive yourself for potentially saying something awful that you have no memory of. It's a very painful state of limbo that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I do strongly believe that if she had been a better person, we would've had a conversation about it at some point like two mature adults. If the shoe were reversed, there's nothing she could've said to me where, if she reached out the very next day to apologize, explain that she was drunk, had prescription sedatives in her system, and wanted to talk about it, I would've permanently ignored her. Everybody I know thinks that, regardless of how nasty I may or may not have been on the phone that night, that her real reason for disappearing is that I called her out on everything and she realized the gig was up. Narcissistic types can't deal with being exposed and will ghost people just to keep the illusions they've created about themselves intact. They also do it as punishment to inflict all of the self-doubt and second-guessing that I've had to endure. No genuinely good person would ever want to see another person suffer yet she knows that I have been and did nothing.
  9. Melatonin has an adverse effect with me, unfortunately. The insomnia itself is the centerpiece to my disability. It's something I've had for 25 years and it remains untreatable. I finally gave up fighting it after 20 years - through highschool, college, a marriage, and even running my own business so that I could be my own boss so that I could be my own boss and make my own schedule to try to work around it. Having insomnia for that long is very damaging and it has inflicted severe "sleep anxiety" as well as depression when the sleep deprivation reaches a certain point, which in turn feeds the insomnia, which further increases the anxiety in a never-ending vicious cycle. You'll have to believe me when I say that no stone has been unturned in an attempt to get to the bottom of it. My family and I believe that it was caused by me contracting Grave's Disease as a teenage male, which is ultra rare, and then receiving too much radioactive iodine since there wasn't a whole lot of precedent or even an adequate benchmark on how much to administer. My ex thought that was a possibility as well. She was a nurse and had some pretty extensive knowledge on the subject. What her and all of my doctors could never understand is why it doesn't respond to medication, either at all or only minimally. I have had other "memory loss" instances too, like when my former wife would catch me sleep walking around the house late at night eating random food or sweets. My ex knew about all of this though and there's a part of me that blames her for even messaging me at that hour to begin with. She didn't know I would be raging drunk, but she did know I'd have the pills in my system because I'm very good about maintaining good sleep hygiene, which includes going to bed at about the same time every night. For me that was between 12:30-12:45, which is very conveniently when she decided to blow up my phone with texts. Some of my friends think it was deliberate as did the therapist. I'll never know.
  10. So much for not writing a novel. Lol Sorry about that. And to think that that's the abridged version. @CML342: I'll reply to you a bit later. I have a few things I need to do. I appreciate the replies from everyone. Thanks!
  11. The first thing she ever lied to me about was her age - and she did so twice. When we first met she told me she was 32 and then a few weeks later when we were talking about our birthdays she asked me, "How old did I tell you I was again?" This was a red flag to me and I got a cold stab of alarm right in my gut. She apologized, said it wouldn't happen again, and told me she was 35. I found out much later on that she was 37. After the initial lie and her subsequent apology I let it go, but it was still in the back of my mind. As she continued to lie, mostly about trivial and completely unnecessary things, I started developing trust issues with her. There was an online game we played with a group of people and she acquired some items that could only be purchased yet when a few of us asked her how she got them, she lied. She told this particular lie repeatedly before finally admitting to it. Nobody cared if she spent money or not - it was nobodies business - but we'd asked her out of interest and curiosity. If there was a way for us to get those things for free, great! We were genuinely curious. Later on she lied about smoking when we were on the phone. I smoked cigarettes on and off for about 10 years before finally quitting so I know what a lighter sounds like as well as the puff of exhaling. I teased her asking if she was "sparking a bowl" (smoking pot) over there and she got very defensive about it and said there were things I didn't need to know yet, but that was at a point where we had been in a committed relationship for months and talked or hung out every day. Dirty laundry and skeletons had already been aired and let out of the closet at that point so lying about smoking when I told her I didn't care and she knew I was a former smoker was unnecessary. Maybe she felt ashamed because I had quit 4 years ago? I have no idea, but as the lies continued they took on a compulsive quality and I started to wonder what else she was lying about. I won't get into all of them so that I can move on to some of the things that weren't adding up in hopes of not making this a gigantic novel like my OP. One night after we'd been together for about a month (as an official couple, not just dating) she was talking about her ex and what a terrible person he was, but she kept referring to him as her husband. This was another cold punch in the gut moment, because even though I've mentioned exes once or twice in previous relationships, I generally never felt the need to talk about previous relationships with a current girlfriend and the times that I did, I always referred to them as my ex and never my wife or girlfriend. Could it have been nothing? Yeah, but my Spidey senses were tingling. Something didn't seem right and when she mysteriously received a hot tub one day she claimed that some guy had bought it for her daughter. The problem is, her daughter was a 15 year old teen mom with an unemployed 18 year old live-in boyfriend. That one was so bizarre that I honestly just let it go. Then she had to move in with her mother, along with her two kids, her granddaughter, and her daughter's boyfriend. This is all sounding ridiculous as I type it. At any rate, she claimed it was "mutually beneficial", but it really wasn't. Her mother didn't want the daughter's boyfriend living with them and it was a constant battle as they were having to support this live-in boyfriend, griping about it, but not taking any action. After she lost custody of her son she didn't even tell me about it until almost two weeks later - and after more or less taking it out on me for those two weeks by being rude, snappy, distant, and even shooting down all my sexual advances. I thought she was upset with me and I told her that I wished she'd told me sooner as I was very understanding and supportive, including having her bawl her eyes out to me for almost an hour one night several weeks later. I genuinely felt bad for her and offered to help out in any way that I could, but she got depressed, started being distant, not sleeping well, and supposedly passing out when she got home from work only to call me at 11pm or later sounding drunk or drugged sometimes. And that's basically what happened the night we broke up. She texted me around noon saying she was going to take a nap, I told her I was worried about her, she Lol'd at it for whatever reason, and then 12 hours went by without a word even though we had plans to hang out that evening. I called and texted a couple of times to see if she was ok, didn't get a response, and when 9pm rolled around I called a friend, we went out to talk about all of this stuff over some drinks, and I was so upset by all of it that I drank too much. It was stupid looking back on it, but I'm a human being and I'm not perfect. Nothing could have prepared me for the barrage of texts that came in at around 1am and whatever happened next. The texts started out as "Ok...so..." and the last thing I remember thinking was that I was about to be told some bullsh*t lie. The rest is history. I know that I'm better off without her and that the whole drunken break up thing may have been a blessing in disguise, but that's not what has been so hard to come to terms with. What is, is considering the possibility that I said hurtful things that I have no memory of when I'm better than that. It hurts me to know that I may have hurt someone I loved and cared about and having no memory of it only makes it worse. It hurts having somebody disappear like that without another word and an unwillingness to talk about what happened. Silence is far more powerful than words and it's a tool narcissistic abusers use (which I honestly believe she was - she followed every pattern of narcissistic abuse to a T). The final discard can be maddening and it makes you question everything. Was I emotionally dependent? Yeah. Even though I'm intelligent, educated, pretty good looking, and in pretty decent shape I am nevertheless disabled and that factored into me settling for somebody that I probably wouldn't have earlier on in my life. I was dealt a bad hand and I'm doing the best that I can, but who really wants to date a disabled person with a limited income? I didn't date for years as a result, but I wanted to give love another shot and this was the result.
  12. I was only repeating what she said to me. When I'm hurting and attempting to get honest feedback, how would it benefit me to make things up? What would be my motive in doing so? I do greatly appreciate the rest of your advice, but please be mindful of making assumptions and what I actually said. Thank you for your reply.
  13. I don't know how to do that with an incident I have no memory of and therapy has not even slightly helped me. Other people here have the luxury of at least knowing what happened and what was said when they broke up so that they have something to process and come to terms with emotionally and intellectually. I do not.
  14. About 6 months ago, my [now ex] girlfriend and I broke up. What precipitated it is that she destroyed my ability to trust her due to lying to me more than a dozen times and a few things that just didn't add up. One of them, for example, was that she lost custody of her son to her ex and could only visit him with her ex and his mother present. She claimed her ex got away with telling a bunch of lies in court while having been an abusive alcoholic and drug addict when they were together. I'm pretty sure that the courts wouldn't make a decision in her ex's favor based on unsubstantiated lies, especially since a mother *typically* gets preferential treatment/favorable rulings and definitely not if he had any history of abuse, alcoholism, or drug addiction. At any rate, I was wanting a break to try to figure out whether I could continue with the relationship. It might seem like a no-brainer on the surface, but I suffer from severe insomnia thanks to an unfortunate medical condition that has left me disabled so sometimes I need a little extra time to really sort things out and make sure I'm not just making an irrational, sleep deprived decision. Fate stepped in to make that decision for me in a cruel and tragic way that left me with no memory of the argument that ended it all and no closure. I was drunk and because I'm not a regular drinker, I took my prescription sleeping pills that I'm supposed to take every night purely out of habit without even thinking about how dangerous it was to do so. I had literally just laid down to pass out when my gf started blowing up my phone with texts at almost 1am and because I was so totally out of it I picked up the phone, called her, and we apparently got into a huge fight. It continued in texts for about an hour after I apparently hung up on her before I blacked out. When I woke up the next day and saw the handful of texts following the fight (which mostly consisted of me calling her a liar) I called her to explain that I was drunk and medicated and had no memory of what happened. I also apologized, told her I was embarrassed, and asked her if we could talk about it. I left it as a voicemail since she didn't pick up, but I never heard from her again, even after sending a letter at one point. Despite her shortcomings I loved her, she was my best friend, and we'd always talked about remaining friends even if things didn't work out. However, she disappeared forever and I don't even know why, what I did, or what I said. My friends all think that it was pretty s***ty of her to not even give me a conversation about what had happened, but neutral/objective people on another message board I am a member of cast me out to be the villain, accusing me of everything from verbal abuse to being an alcoholic, telling me that she made the right decision and that I didn't deserve closure. That hurt, because I poured my heart and soul into that relationship and even had her tell me I was the most caring, considerate, and loving man she'd ever met. I never mistreated her and any previous disagreements we'd had were productive conversations without harsh words or raised voices. I deleted the thread because I didn't appreciate the accusations and assumptions. Being drunk doesn't make me an alcoholic - I probably drink once every few months - and a single argument at 1am, with all that crap in my system when I was simply trying to go to sleep, doesn't make me an abusive person or an abusive boyfriend. Nevertheless, it has contributed to the emotional turmoil that I've had to endure for the past 6 months. I have no answers, no memory of whatever was said, and have been stuck with nothing but guesses. How do I forgive myself for something I have no memory of but that obviously hurt somebody I loved and cared about so deeply that she would never want to talk to me again? How do I get any kind of closure when I don't know what happened and have nothing to process? Nothing has helped me come to terms with this, including therapy, and I have made exactly zero progress in 6 months. It's just as painful for me now as it was then. I don't know how to get over it and I'm at a point where it has become a cancer that I feel I'm going to have to live with forever. I apologize for how long this ended up being, but I am stuck and don't know what to do. Any advice or feedback is welcome.
  15. It has nothing to do with you people not telling me what I want to hear. Learn to read and follow context cues. It's about the accusational implications and lack of tact in a couple of things that have been said and asked. Things that almost directly insult my character or that imply I'm doing something underhanded to learn this information. Those are the things I take issue with, not the advice.
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