write letter to ex I hurt a year later?

[sweetharmony]

A year ago, I broke up with my ex of four years in the most horrible way. I didn't cheat on him, but we were living together and I broke up with him a month before our lease was to expire and started sort of "dating" someone else.

 

You see, my ex and I were having a lot of problems. I stayed with him, because I was scared of being alone. He stayed with me, b/c he didn't want to hurt me, like his father "hurt" his mother and like he's been hurt many times in the past. But I knew he wasn't in love with me anymore- i asked him and asked if he was in love or saw a future with me and he said, "I don't know" to both questions- after 4 years, he didn't know. I couldn't asnwer those questions either.

 

I didn't see a future with him, at least not at this point. I wanted to date other people, i couldn't see my life continuing as it had. He knew I was unhappy and knew our relationship would end when our lease was up, but I don't think he was really prepared for me to really do it.

 

I had no other friends, except for his friends- many from college moved away, one passed away, a few got married and we lost touch, so I decided to make it a point to make some friends- i went to a young professionals group. It was a mix of singles and couples and I started becoming friends with a nice group- of mostly couples a a few single men. One, in particular liked me, in ffact,he was infatuated, trying to shower me with attenttion, etc.... But I told him I was in a relationship and couldn't date. But a few months later we were hanging out as friends- never hooked up. I then decided to break up with my ex (while we were living together). One month before our lease ended. I still never really did anything but kissed him once. nevertheless this was during the last month (while I was living with the ex). I had always been honest to both men, but of course, my ex of four years was mortified. it was cheating and betrayal (despite the fact I told him before anything happened). i thin kit was a way to get him to notice me and to maybe make amends.

 

till this day, the guilt overwhelms me. i have apologized in the past, in emotional states right after the fact, but I never formally apologized or shared my feeling with him as to why I needed to do it. I love him so much and I feel so disgusting for what I did. I never meant to hurt him. I was so angry that he stayed with me b/c he was afraid to abndon me for fear that I would be hurt- so he stayed with me though he didn't love me. i resented him. i can't believe i broke up with my ex for the guy i did. he was such a loser. i din't know what i saw in him. i am in so much pain and guilt.

 

He still was a godsend for putting up with my emotional drama for four years. I need closure and I wasnt to tell him all these things. i know he's moved on- he's so much stronger than I, but I can't let itr go. The guilt and pain are tearing em up. what do I do? should i write him a letter, or is it a moot point?

 

thanks

[fmfisdead]

Hey, I feel like I can totally relate to your situation, because I think at young ages, we arent ready to handle serious relationships, and our mind wanders for people that definitely aren't anything great, and I don't exactly know why, but I've had the same experience. I would say, if you really want, just to tell him how your sorry and all that, and to maybe sprout a friendship, write him the letter, but don't expect him to come back. And now for looking at his feelings, say he is over it all, and you sending this to him just brings it all up again and hurts him for a while, maybe you dont want to do that? I don't know what will happen, but maybe it will ease some of your guilt for doing that, And I totally understand, as I broke up with my ex of 3 years and seen someone else and kissed them too, and I feel horrible guilt to this day, and it was with a loser too. if you ever need to talk pm me.

[tiger_lilies]

I've done some research as to how long it takes to get over an ex and even though it's different for everyone, generally speaking, when you're in a long term relationship such as yours, it usually takes about a year or more to finally get over the ex.

 

Your break up sounds like it was really bad. Have you had any contact with him? Are you thinking of contacting him to just apologize again or is it to get back together? Basically, what is your purpose of contacting him again?

Because if you contact him, it will drag up old feelings for him and may hurt him again. By you apologizing again, you are doing this to ease your own guilty feelings, but it may not feel that way for him.

 

I'm sorry things ended the way they did. Whatever your decision, I hope it works out for you.

[xxatti]

Im trying to understand your feelings and put myself in your ex's shoes at the same time. Why is it that you really feel you need to send this letter? Is it because somewhere deep down inside you kind of hope that you two may be able to reconcile, and that he in some way will get back in your life? Honestly I kind of see your letter as an almost selfish gesture(although I hate to use that word). Sure you will get your "closure" if that's what you're truly after, but what you really accomplish by sending this letter is you get yourself back in his mind. You say he's moved on, so let well enough alone and let this be a learning experience for you (unless of course you want him back). Plus I doubt he's sitting around waiting for a formal appology from you.

[TheDoctor]

You admit you've hurt him once and you feel sorry for it? If you have truly changed in your life and your not a selfish person anymore than dont send that letter.....thats a very selfish idea considering the fact you'll be back in his mind again and most importantly this time he wont care to fall for games or any such thing.T

[RayKay]

NM

[sweetharmony]

thanks for the replies. i don't want to get back together with him. it would never work out and I'm finally almost getting over him. it's the guilt that i still feel. i feel like a cheater- event hough i tried to be so honest from the get-go. i still should have waited until i moved out and a while to heal before jumping right into another relationship. they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. i just want closure and i want him to forgive me. i want him to know i loved him. nbut i think i'll just write the letter for myslef and not send it.

[ConfusedBloke]

If you have any intention of trying to get back together with him, by all means contact him, if not, then just leave it, you'll only stir up old feelings with him, and maybe get him hoping again. You say you dont want to because it wouldn't work - in what sense?

[sweetharmony]

well, actually, i do really miss him. i'd love to get back together w/ him. I was so stupid and foolish. after dating for the past year, i realized he really stood by my side and put up wiht a lot of my crap. however, i know he will NEVER forgive me. EVER. I think he already has a new girlfriend that he's been dating for a while now. right after we broke up, we remained friends for a few months and then it ended when he started seeing someone else. I was so upset, that i old him that I needed him and he said no. this was only a few months later. then, we didn't speak for months and now, it's a year later. We had a dog together. just a few weeks ago, i called him to get her vet papers and we spoke for a half hour. he actually seemed interested in talkin to me. he was asking me all the questions about my life and asking more and more. i ended the conversation, b/c it was very painful for me to hear his voice, knowing how much i hurt him and how much I wished my best friend was back in my life. But he didn't love me (like the way i needed to be loved). but that could be b/c i pushed him so far away. i wish it could have worked, but there's just too much baggage and history there hat would resurface. he could never fully trust me again. it would never work. and then, if it didn't work, we'd have to go through the pain again 10 times over- kind of like- shame on you once, shame on you twice. i think those kind of break-ups are so much harder. But I do love him and wish he could be back in my life. but maybe that's b/c i'm lonely and not thinking clearly. that's what i'm afraid of. but, i know deep down i really love him.

[RayKay]

You know...you said you talked to him before and he seemed interested in talking to you & glad to hear from you. I think it would be very good in that case to apologize. And you know...even if you never get back together, perhaps you can have a good friendship You will never know if you don't open the door to it!

[ConfusedBloke]

From what you've said I'm beginning to think the apology might be a good idea. If i put myself in the position of your ex, then i know that i would apprecite a genuine apology from my ex after all the damage she caused, but even if im in a relationship in a years time, it would get me thinking about her again, so you have to be careful of that

[lazee]

I agree that you should send the letter. Though, I'm trying to move on from my ex, and I am currently not seeing anybody, I want him so badly to admit, to confess to having hurt me so badly as well. I don't think he understands how he messed me up, and even though it'll give me hope, I am smart enough to know that it ended for a reason. I would be friendly to him, and we could be friends, but I would not jump back into a relationship with him. The only way I would is if I'd changed and he'd changed and our new and improved selves were still interested, that way we can start again from the beginning. Anyways, I think you can send the letter, he'll want to hear it, even if it gets you back on his mind, everybody deserves a sincere apology, and if he's truly moved on then he'll appreciate the letter, put it aside and continue with his new relationship.

 

Anyways, why did you break up with him? Think back to the reasons why you didn't love him/...

[Coffee80]

my 2 cents..

 

may be nothing will come out of apologising - no friendship nor the love.but u know wat,its good that u realised what went wrong and apologise cos its a very hard thign to do.

 

after all,ur apology might make it easier for u to move on.

 

good luck friend

[Nearwater]

My my how familiar this feels. My EXGf put me through bloody hell. Lying, cheating, lying about it, jumping into a rebound, accepting support from me for months, me taking it very poorly. She is off with her rebound traveling, has not worked in 3 months, just a long happy vacation.

 

If I ever get a letter as you describe wanting to write your ex I don't know how I would feel at this point. It would have to come from a place of deep regret and burning desire to make things right.

 

But in my life the bridges still have flames to the sky burning and the smoke is in my eyes...

[bustertypsy]

Forgive yourself.If he was a good guy I'm sure he's holding nothing against you,so the guilt is only with you.Don't go getting in contact with him unless you want more than forgiveness.Looking for that is looking after your needs,and not his.Is this all about YOU??