Need to Vent, still cohabiting, getting harder....

[mca1975]

Just need to vent. Hoping and praying that I get the room I looked at this week as I really like it. I need to get out of the house, its so depressing. God knows what its like for him, worse...

 

We are still in separate rooms and the atmosphere is not good. Mostly its very civil but arguments can erupt very easily, so best not to talk. Too much anger and resentment there on both sides.

 

It's so sad that it has come to this, when I think of how we have made love in that bed and watched DVD's together etc. etc. and almost had a baby together two months ago and now this, just not talking, like strangers - but it has to be this way, because we just cannot get on. There is too much hurt and resentment there on both sides.

 

When he is upset, it upsets me and I feel terrible and when he is ok and appearing to move on, it upsets me also. I am feeling very up and down, as I'm sure he is. I feel sick with disappointment some days that BOTH our dreams have been shattered. I am still adamant that I am making the right choice though, except I am starting to feel the effects of the newly-single person ie. loneliness, needing a cuddle and affection etc. etc. company in the home. Haven't felt those things for quite a while, but I think its better than being so unhappy every single day. I have moments where I feel elated and very excited in between all of this too.

 

It is just too hard for us both to go through the breaking up process while living together, its terrible. Its too painful and its difficult to move on. I dont want to see him or what he's up to and I guess he feels the same.

 

Feel so uncertain about the future, I feel very scared actually. I feel like a failure that I am now 35 and have just lost a baby and am single again and going to live in a room and don't even have much personal possessions left, feel like a right saddo loser...

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. As you know, living with an ex in these circumstances is making it much worse on both of you.

 

When I was 35 I was single, living alone in my apartment. I didn't feel like a loser and I didn't feel lonely - to the contrary although I very much wanted a husband and a baby I was generally positive and optimistic As Shes2smart posted once "attitude is gratitude". It's totally understandable to vent and have a pity party, just hoping that the party is short lived and sharing my example because I'm sure there are many 30 something single women who are happy and fulfilled despite not yet having realized their dreams of a husband and family. And look at it this way - at least you know you can conceive a child - or you know more than someone who is 35 and never tried to get pregnant (that was me, back then, and I was sure I'd have fertility issues when I did try, and the not knowing either way did make me anxious).

 

Feel better and hang in there.

[mca1975]

Thank you Batya, I know I'm not alone out there and I am glad you didn't feel like a loser when you were in the same boat. I guess I am feeling sorry for myself at the moment. I just felt I had really moved on in life and now it feels like I'm going backwards. I would love to hear some positive stories about other women in my position and how their lives moved on to better things through the choice they made.

 

I just feel sick that I sold all my furniture to move in with him, have to go back to sharing with people after living in a big house - but a big house is no good if it's unhappy.

 

I know I won't feel too lonely - I have a lot of friends and a great family - plus the people I hope to move in with are really nice and friendly, just having a few negative thoughts today I guess. Must stop.

 

I think it's because I heard him excitedly talking about the new place he had found last night on the phone with a friend. I am glad for him but at the same time, the finality... I dont know, sigh...

[Batya33]

Ambivalence is normal.

 

When I was 35 I was in an on again off again relationship that finally ended when I was 38. I met my future husband again (we had dated in the past) right before I turned 39 and we started dating exclusively right after my 39th birthday. When I was 40 we decided to try to get pregnant which was the first time I ever actively tried to conceive, and we decided we would get married in the not too distant future.

 

It took us about a year to conceive with no outside help (other than my taking more folic acid), and after I got pregnant, we got married (earlier than we had planned to by about 6 months, not too far off). We started living together after we got married and while being newlyweds and new parents has been a big adjustment, we've worked hard at our relationship and in general, we're happy and so happy to have our son.

 

 

I found that I was far better at meeting suitable men to date in my mid 30s because I was more confident and more established in my career (so that I had less of a problem having to cancel or postpone dates because of work). I worked very hard at my social life - treated it like a part time job - and worked very hard at maintaining a positive attitude about "men" and dating.

 

So there's a positive story for you.

[mca1975]

Wow that is a great story to hear! thanks for sharing. I am pleased for you.

 

I hope to have the same luck one day.

 

I definitely feel more mature and a stronger/wiser person right now, after everything that has happened. I feel more confident in myself as a person aswell like you said, I know what I want in a partner more than ever now, and the good thing is, is that I feel I could say no to someone who I consider to be unsuitable for me, whereas before I would go in for anything that was offered before me and hang on to it for dear life. I also feel that I could date with confidence for the first time, without feeling like I was arranging to meet my future husband, lol.

 

It's funny, I have already had guys checking me out and giving me the "look", it's like they know I am single now. funny that isnt it.

[Batya33]

Yes, part of it was luck and timing. But I made affirmative, active efforts to make this happen. When he suggested having a friendly catch up dinner I made the time to do that even though I was tired and not feeling too social. I stayed in touch with him over the years not because I thought we'd get back together but because we were on good terms and I figured it didn't hurt since we were in generally the same field.

 

When I saw there was a spark again I made sure to keep on his radar/keep in touch, and I was open to being involved with him long distance which again took a lot of effort (and time and money) on both our parts.

 

And because I'd dated many different men and been in several serious relationships, I'd done the work in advance to know what I wanted, needed and how to behave in a committed healthy relationship so that when luck and timing worked, I was ready to accept the results.

 

I love the stories that are "meant to be" and mostly about luck and timing but I think it's a better approach to be very aware of your actions and inactions when it comes to relationships and finding suitable people to get involved with.