I HATE learning how to date after divorce!!

[floridagirlal]

My situation: Have been dating a great guy for about 1.5 years seriously. Both of us are divorced with children. He's great to me in almost every way but I'm struggling to know how I fit in his life.

 

Today is his son’s birthday. We had a cookout for him on Saturday night with all of my kids, my boyfriend's parents & sister, and 3 neighborhood boys. My bf told me that they usually would have celebrated on Sunday by having lunch at his mom’s but he felt like that was too much to ask his mom to do to cook for all of us so we were just gonna have it Saturday night at his house instead. Well, this morning, he told me that he and his son were going to his mom’s for supper tonight since it’s his son’s birthday today. Apparently this was planned all along because I asked him if his daughter was going to be there and he told me that he had mentioned it to her last week when he spoke to her. So, this has been planned the whole time but he chose not to tell me until he HAD to. I have a few concerns about this.

 

 

Why didn’t he just tell me? Why was it a secret? Is it because he thought I would get upset because we weren't invited tonight?

It makes me feel like I’m an outsider

It makes me feel like he had the cook out on Saturday to make us feel like we were being included

 

 

I realize that adding 4 people (me & my 3 kids) to the mix makes everything a big deal but I also feel like there is this family bond that they have where I’m not welcome. They did this at Christmas where they did the supper on C-mas eve and opened gifts and then they tried to appease me by asking us to come over for breakfast on C-mas morning. I’m sure something similar will occur on Mother’s Day, etc.

 

 

 

I guess my problem is that I’m looking at this guy as if he could be my husband and that, to me, would mean including him in everything in my life. I definitely don’t feel included in his. I can certainly understand that 4 new people is a big deal. I can also understand that we are not engaged and so there is no official commitment and maybe they are a little afraid of bringing someone into their lives too much before that happens. BUT…Am I a part of his life or not?

 

 

 

The other part that makes this so hard to understand is that he is putting in a patio and sidewalk at my house. He has been working for 2 weeks to frame it out, level it, dig up sprinklers and tree roots, etc. He’s worked HARD….HARD! He’s taking a day off work tomorrow to have the cement truck come and pour the cement. This is definitely the biggest thing that ANYONE has ever done for me. So, I know he loves me.

 

I guess I just don't know where or how I'm supposed to fit in or maybe I'm NOT supposed to fit in. I've never been divorced and dating before so I don't know what I don't know.

 

 

Am I being stupid? What do you think?

[DN]

My bf told me that they usually would have celebrated on Sunday by having lunch at his mom’s but he felt like that was too much to ask his mom to do to cook for all of us so we were just gonna have it Saturday night at his house instead.

I realize that adding 4 people (me & my 3 kids) to the mix makes everything a big deal

If he were the one hosting the event that would be one thing - but it's his mother and he feels it's too much for her.

 

How old is she?

[floridagirlal]

She's probably 65 or so.

[DN]

Well, I think that not be included in events at her house is very different from not being included in events at his.

 

In fact, he altered the location of the first celebration to his house so you could attend.

[floridagirlal]

I understand what you're saying. Should I just expect that I will not be a part of their family or what?

[DN]

Has this happened a lot that you feel excluded from other family events or is it just this occasion and Christmas when it comes to cooking for a lot of people at his mother's house?

 

Are there other spouses and SO's who are included and just you left out?

[floridagirlal]

It also happened for his daughter's birthday a few months ago. I wouldn't have expected to be part of that though because I really don't know his daughter well as she lives with her mother full time and even my bf hasn't seen her in months. The daughter is actually HIS step daughter but he became her step parent when she was 3. Christmas and now his son's birthday are the only other events. I just don't understand why it was treated as a "secret" (at least that's how it feels to me). My bf and I are very close. This is not an occasional relationship. He spends every night at my house when he doesn't have his son. We've talked about marriage although we are not engaged and probably won't be for a period of time.

I have no family in my town anymore but, if I did, he would be included in everything. I just don't understand the exclusion.

[DN]

I see in a previous thread that you said you spend the day talking to his sister about his ex - which would indicate an acceptance by at least one member of his family.

 

How do you get on with his mother when you do see her and how did she get on with his ex-wife?

[floridagirlal]

I enjoy being with his parents. They are fun to talk to. I'm not sure about how they acted around his ex wife. I know that his dad was glad to see his ex wife go and there has been No Contact between the ex and his parents AT ALL since she left. I know that they hate her with a passion now that she's gone. They all hate her. Maybe that's why there is a boundary up now...for protection. It's just not fair to our relationship to have to relive the past.

[DN]

I think you should try to accept that this could simply be what he says it is - too many people for his mother to cook for.

[drummerboyfnd]

It makes me feel like he had the cook out on Saturday to make us feel like we were being included

 

I think this is key--he did the whole thing on Sat just so you could be a part of the son's birthday.

 

As for your family not feeling you are a part of the family--you aren't. You haven't married him, and they're probably wary/protective. Be glad they're willing to make extra plans for you. They have a family bond and until you're family, you're not there.

 

I don't say these things to be harsh. I'm in a long-dist relationship and mad as can be at my sister for not having him over (they live in the same area) while I'm gone, and at my whole family for accusing me of running off to see him for 1 evening Christmas-New Years. They said, in hindsight, that he should've come over. I would have loved that, but how do I invite him to someone else's house, even if it is my parents' or sister's? In the end, we did all watch the Rose Bowl together, which is more than his family (also in the area) has ever extended to me.

 

Loving him so much but not being officially family yet hurts like crazy, but it's reality.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I suspect that had you not had 3 children, you would have been invited to join in. I think this has less to do with not being part of the family and more to do with how difficult it is to have 4 extra people there. I am not sure how old your children are, but having 3 extra children there is a lot. They wanted this celebration to be just about the immediate family and not all the extras. You are not by yourself, you have 3 children, that makes it very difficult...your bf compromised by having the cookout at his place, now he wanted his mother to spend quality time with her grandchild without having 3 other children around.

[coolchick64]

I've been in a very similar situation. I think you just have to be really patient about this kind of thing and try not to take it personally. It's hard to blend families and it may be about giving his son a birthday celebration with his "old" family. It's hard sometimes for children to have their parents' SO's included in everything. The bad part of this, to me, was that he wasn't up front about all the plans and his rationale for including you in some events but not others. This lack of communication leaves you to wonder and that's the part that's probably upsetting, right? I mean, if he had told you everything and explained it, you probably wouldn't have objected. So, maybe you need to talk to him about being more up front in the future. However, even there I'd tread lightly. A year and a half is a long time, but these things will integrate gradually. It could take years before you're automatically invited to every family event. I'm sure it doesn't reflect in any way on your relationship or his feelings for you.