Last Call?

[HellFrost666]

The passed few days I've been feeling really off. I use 'off' for lack of a better word... I am very prone to depression and I just don't feel like myself lately.

 

Yesterday I did something completely unplanned and unexpected. I called my sister.

 

For anyone unfamiliar (which is most of you, I am sure) I haven't spoken to my Mom or my sister in over 6 months. Her and my Mom disowned me.

 

I'll give the quick background story here... I live in the US, they live in Norway. I moved her almost 14 years ago. Back then it was supposed to be temporary, but things kept happening that kept me here. So now I am here in the US, in a long term relationship with an American woman, and with no immediate plans to move back home. We talk about moving there all the time, but our current financial situation just isn't going to let us right now.

 

My Mom and sister decided that my girlfriend isn't good enough for me, and that if I am with her, then they want nothing to do with me.

 

I have a suspicion that my sister is only going along to get along. There's an ocean between her and I. She doesn't have to actually see me. Her and my Mom live in the same city though, and so to go against my Mom would mean a lot more stress for her.

 

So, I've been making small attempts to talk to my sister. I've sent her short emails here and there just asking how she is. I called once, my brother in law answered the phone, told her it was me, then came back on the phone and told me she didn't want to talk to me.

 

My sister and I were really close. We talked almost every day before all this.

 

So, now to what happened yesterday. I knew it was late over there. But I also know she stays up pretty late on Friday and Saturday nights. So I was here all alone, feeling a little depressed, and I just called her spontaneously. She actually answered the phone. I said her name and that was it... Then like five seconds of silence, then I heard what sounded like a crying kind of noise. Then a few more seconds of silence and she hung up.

 

Maybe I am reading too much into this... She has caller ID. I can only assume she knew it was me who was calling. And I am almost sure she started to cry. Now I am wondering why she couldn't just say something? Just one word even...

 

I thought I might finally end this rift. I guess thinking that way was stupid of me. I wish now that I wouldn't have even called her. And I am wondering if I should make that my last attempt. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

Should I just stop trying?

[Seraphim]

HF,

 

You did nothing wrong. It is very good of you to reach out to her. It is her and your mother that are being ridiculous. Obviously she is suffering from her stupid decison. I would reach out when you feel the need to, but not too often. I have the feelng though she will in time offer and olive branch.

 

I am sorry they are being stupid.

[HellFrost666]

It hasn't been that often, just once in a while.

 

For a while my brother and I were talking a lot. My brother and I weren't that close before... Then him and I started talking pretty regularly, then he just stopped for some reason. I don't know if maybe my Mom and my sister convinced him to side with them or what. I don't think it should be about who sides with who... But I know they are probably treating it that way.

[Seraphim]

It hasn't been that often, just once in a while.

 

For a while my brother and I were talking a lot. My brother and I weren't that close before... Then him and I started talking pretty regularly, then he just stopped for some reason. I don't know if maybe my Mom and my sister convinced him to side with them or what. I don't think it should be about who sides with who... But I know they are probably treating it that way.

 

No I am not saying you are calling a lot, I am saying when you need to. I think your family is being ridiculous though. I never get this crap. I know my son will ALWAYS be my son no matter who he is ever with and I will always talk to him and love him. This sounds like more of a control issue with your mom.

[waveseer]

Deep family rifts can be incredibly difficult to mend. Have patience, maintain hope, and have more patience. If you owe any sort of apology don't hesitate to make it in writing and express your desire to repair your relationship. Then wait. It can be done.

[HellFrost666]

Deep family rifts can be incredibly difficult to mend. Have patience, maintain hope, and have more patience. If you owe any sort of apology don't hesitate to make it in writing and express your desire to repair your relationship. Then wait. It can be done.

 

I won't apologize for being in a relationship with someone they don't think is good enough. I hope that isn't what they are expecting.

[waveseer]

I won't apologize for being in a relationship with someone they don't think is good enough. I hope that isn't what they are expecting.

 

Maybe it isn't your relationship. Could they possibly feel abandoned?

[HellFrost666]

Maybe it isn't your relationship. Could they possibly feel abandoned?

 

I think that's really the issue, and the relationship I am in is just a convenient excuse for them...

[waveseer]

I think that's really the issue, and the relationship I am in is just a convenient excuse for them...

 

If that is the real issue, then a weekly email might eventually convince them that you are still interested in their lives. Even though you are far away you can still support them and participate in their lives.

[Seraphim]

If that is the real issue, then a weekly email might eventually convince them that you are still interested in their lives. Even though you are far away you can still support them and participate in their lives.

 

This sounds like a good suggestion.

[HellFrost666]

If that is the real issue, then a weekly email might eventually convince them that you are still interested in their lives. Even though you are far away you can still support them and participate in their lives.

 

It seems pointless though if they never respond. After a while that just gets annoying.

 

I feel like this is their issue... and they also have all the control. I am just ready to stop trying and let them contact me when they want to be adults.

[waveseer]

It seems pointless though if they never respond. After a while that just gets annoying.

 

I feel like this is their issue... and they also have all the control. I am just ready to stop trying and let them contact me when they want to be adults.

 

You are welcome to do that, however, it would only reinforce their feelings of abandonment. There are cases where people never recover from those feelings sufficiently to reconnect.

[HellFrost666]

You are welcome to do that, however, it would only reinforce their feelings of abandonment. There are cases where people never recover from those feelings sufficiently to reconnect.

 

Doesn't it seem backwards though that a parent feels abandoned because their kid moved away?

 

The fact that I've tried talking to them both and they ignore me is also reinforcing those feelings, in my opinion.

[Seraphim]

Doesn't it seem backwards though that a parent feels abandoned because their kid moved away?

 

The fact that I've tried talking to them both and they ignore me is also reinforcing those feelings, in my opinion.

 

It does happen though HF, if your mother is particularly sensitive she may see this as an abonnement and it sounds like she is leading the family in ignoring you in hopes to bring you back to the fold. The bond between a mother and child is very strong and we suffer intensely when our children leave for their own life.

[HellFrost666]

It does happen though HF, if your mother is particularly sensitive she may see this as an abonnement and it sounds like she is leading the family in ignoring you in hopes to bring you back to the fold. The bond between a mother and child is very strong and we suffer intensely when our children leave for their own life.

 

I wasn't that close to her when I was growing up... It was mutual. She didn't take a lot of interest in me.

 

My sister and I were close growing up. I am more wounded that she's ignoring me then I am about my Mom.

 

I don't understand how ignoring me and getting everyone else to ignore me will bring me closer to them...

[Seraphim]

Well it is a misguided attempt for sure. However I still agree with waveseer and think she feels abandonned. It may have not been expressed as closeness in your childhood but I think she does care deeply about you.

[IvantheAvg]

Her tears proves she still cares.

 

I have only one rule for all relationships...if we can communicate there is no problem...by refusing to communicate you cannot do anything really. Its up to them.

[HellFrost666]

Her tears proves she still cares.

 

I have only one rule for all relationships...if we can communicate there is no problem...by refusing to communicate you cannot do anything really. Its up to them.

 

Every time I make some attempt at talking to her I always think this time might be the time she responds... I am just tired of being let down all the time.

[Seraphim]

Every time I make some attempt at talking to her I always think this time might be the time she responds... I am just tired of being let down all the time.

 

I know it is hard. If you feel your sister is worth it then keep trying. She seems to be the weak piece of this puzzle your mom has created and I think your breakthrough will be there.

[In the Dark]

This doesn't add up.

I just don't see the logic in it.

 

You and your partner are obviously doing well together despite you Mother and Sister's opinions of her not being "good enough" for you.

 

Maybe this is just all to irrational for me to understand.

 

You are happy where yo are with someone, so they should feel happy as well.

As I am sure you are happy your sister is married to someone she wants to be with.

 

The question is....why aren't they feeling the same way towards you?

[HellFrost666]

This doesn't add up.

I just don't see the logic in it.

 

You and your partner are obviously doing well together despite you Mother and Sister's opinions of her not being "good enough" for you.

 

Maybe this is just all to irrational for me to understand.

 

You are happy where yo are with someone, so they should feel happy as well.

As I am sure you are happy your sister is married to someone she wants to be with.

 

The question is....why aren't they feeling the same way towards you?

 

I tried to keep this as brief as possible... The whole story of how they stopped talking to me is pretty long and complicated, but the fact that it's so abbreviated probably makes it harder to understand...

 

My girlfriend and I were supposed to go over there last summer. We were ready to buy the tickets and everything... Then my sister sent me this email saying to hold off for a little while because my brother-in-law had a death in his family and she wanted to wait until he was feeling better. We were planning on staying with her like we always did any other time, but she didn't think it was a good time. The death in his family wasn't someone he was close to. She kept telling me she would let me know when a good time would be to come, and she just kept avoiding th subject.

 

Then one day she broke down and told me that she didn't want my girlfriend staying in her house because she didn't think she was a good fit for me and she just generally doesn't like her. She gave me a list of reasons why... one of which being that she thinks it's disrespectful that my girlfriend can't speak the language. There were a whole bunch of other reasons that seemed like excuses. I didn't really press the issue...

 

I asked my Mom if we could stay with her. My Mom told me she feels the same way about my girlfriend, and that she would be happy to let me stay there, but my girlfriend can't stay there with me. My Mom wanted her to stay in a hotel while I stay at her house. I told her no, that's ridiculous. We've been together almost five years and I am not going to stay separably from her when we travel.

 

Well, with nowhere to stay we couldn't afford to go, so our trip was canceled... I worked two jobs for a while so we could go over this summer and not stay with any member of my family. When my sister found out about this she got really mad. She acted like I am working two jobs so my girlfriend can just sponge off me. I tried to convince her that's not how it is, and we ended up getting in an argument which is rare for us. Shortly after came an email from her saying she doesn't think we should talk for a while... then I heard the same thing from my Mom.

 

Now anyone who read all that probably understands why I kept it so short. But that's how this all happened. To anyone confused, I hope that makes more sense.

[In the Dark]

I don't know how much of an importance it is for other people to speak your native language but really....it shouldn't get in the way.

 

From what I can tell your Sister and Mother are pushing you away by trying to make it hard for you to be with your partner.

 

It's really sad to see something like language being used as a reason why she is no right for you.

 

Language has nothing to do with being a match.

 

They are the ones causing the drama.

 

If they were in your shoes fell for someone in another Country, would they really dump someone just because they can not speak your language?

 

Or would they be so hung up on language being a priority for a perfect match that they would only be with them temporarily?

 

Personally, I would not contact them until; they are willing to see rationality.

[Siriana]

I still don't understand your family. They act plain weird. This is beyond any reason. And your sister just following your mom seems implausible. After all if your mom is so difficult your sister could always call you behind moms back and keep it a secret.

This is lasting for such a long time now....I expected them to come to their senses much earlier.

Are you sure something else is not going on? I know it's stupid to ask for the 10000th time but I find their reason to drop you like that completely insane.

Why they don't like her? Do they think she's a bad influence - are they thinking your depression issues have something to do with being in States and dating her? How was your health before you went to States from Norway? I am thinking that maybe you didn't have that much troubles (life was easier) and now they think USA caused it and new gf will make you stay there forever. But whatever...their reasoning is unreasonable.

 

Since your sister answered this time I would give it one more try. How about sending her an email where stating exact time when you'll call her saying you need to talk about something urgent that's bothering you mentioning you'd like to visit back home alone (without a gf) jsu tto see them because you miss them. I know you don't want to go without your gf but it seems they might soften up if you come on your own just to spend some time with them.

[itsallgrand]

Hellfrost, have you tried contacting/talking with some of the extended family to get some more perspectives on it from inside? Brother in law, gramma, cousins, anyone who is part of your/their lives and could give you some insight and support?

 

Honestly, a big chunk of my fam is downright nuts. Oftentimes it takes me getting 3 or more versions of a story (and different insights about the people involved from people who have a different role with them) in order to finally make some sense of where someone may be coming from and how to deal.

 

Yeah, ideally, people would be upfront and open. Sometimes that just isn't how they are (sucks) and it takes extra work to keep things going somewhat smooth.

 

I don't think you should give up. Just take it at a pace that doesn't tax you out. You don't have to compromise yourself. Just patience and forgiveness, like waveseeker said.

 

It really is too bad your mom and sis have chosen this route. hopefully a heart to heart happens in the not too distant future!

[HellFrost666]

I just noticed I have more replies to this thread... I'll reply to both of you tomorrow... I read both posts, but I am too tired at the moment to really process them.