Wondering why you can't get a date? Maybe this is why....

[Scout]

Hi people...came accross this great column the other day, and I am pasting it below...it's about men/women's unrealistic expectations in the dating world, and offers a few explanations on maybe why some of us aren't getting a date - ever.

 

Getting real in dating's fantasy land

By Cindy Rodriguez

Denver Post Columnist

 

 

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 -

 

He stares accross the room, past the slightly chunky women, at the sexy babe leaning against the bar, and says to me, "Now, that's my kind of woman."

 

She's slim, with long black hair, pouty lips, an angelic face, and probably 25.

 

He's skinny with a beer gut, wearing Levi's that sag from his nonexistent butt, and is pushing 40.

 

Years ago, I would have encouraged him to talk to her - not that I thought he'd stand a chance at a bar where looks trump achievement.

 

Back then, I was being supportive, the way I thought friends ought to be. It took a while, but I came to realize I've been an accomplice to his fantasies.

 

So that night, I put my hand on my friend's shoulder and blurted what he needed to hear: "Yes, she's your type. But you're probably not hers."

 

Tough words, but ones I hoped would snap him back to the real world, the place where he might actually find a girlfriend.

 

Something has to shake him out of fantasy land, a place where lonely people hold out for a superficial ideal.

 

When it comes to dating, there are no rules. Educated women sometimes wind up with high school dropouts. Gorgeous, young women marry wrinkly men twice their age.

 

Usually, though, among the oddest of couples, there's an equalizing factor: He's old but accomplished and charming, or she's dimwitted but creative, warm and sensual.

 

These couples meet at work or through friends, where they get to know each other over time.

 

At clubs and bars, it's another story. And this is where, time and again, I roll my eyes when I witness men and women going after someone who's clearly in another sphere.

 

It's like what a beautiful woman, who is in her early 30s, told me the other day after an overweight, middle-aged, balding man tried to chat her up at the Cruise Room the other night: "Do I look like I like ugly old men?"

 

Maybe people are wired to want someone who is smarter, sexier, funnier than us. But this notion of holding out to capture someone who is five notches above is for fools.

 

It's exacerbated by the mass media, because fantasy sells.

 

For women, it's pathetic movies such as "The Prince & Me," or that weepy J. Lo blockbuster "Maid in Manhattan."

 

For men it's "get the goddess" stories that are perennial favorites of men's magazines.

 

This month's Maxim magazine offers dweebs everywhere this piece of fiction: "Out of Your League and in the Bag." Sub-headline: "Think an average guy like you doesn't have a chance with the hottest girl in the room? Think again."

 

The article says, when you approach your dream girl, "Ask her questions and get her talking about herself - that kind of intimacy can easily lead to the other kind."

 

Among their tips: "Don't take no for an answer - at least not at first, anyway."

 

Because of this article, some guy right now is harassing a woman, thinking persistence will pay off.

 

Then there's the recently released book "Updating! How to Get a Man or Woman Who Once Seemed Out of Your League," by British author Leil Lowndes.

 

It offers tips on how to date people who are wealthier, better-looking, smarter - basically better - than you.

 

Anyone who buys into the concept already suffers from feelings of unworthiness. If you acknowledge that you want someone who is a few notches above you, then you suffer from low self-esteem or delusion.

 

Yet in a consumer-oriented society, where people believe they can buy, trade or finance whatever they want, pop culture is helping to create a dating culture built on similar principles: Get what's out of reach by pretending to be someone else.

 

Among the tips in "Updating!": "Act royal around the clock. Make the qualities you gain to capture a superior mate part of your everyday life, not just when you are hunting. Fake it till you make it."

 

Whatever happened to finding your inner self and being you?

 

Apparently enough people are buying into this. The book is selling swiftly, and Lowndes is making the TV talk-show rounds.

 

Let's just admit this up front: A book on dating down won't sell.

 

Thank goodness not everyone buys into this. Imagine what would happen if everyone decided to date up?

 

Would anyone date?

 

Would we continue to fantasize about the ideal mate, becoming frustrated and jaded as the years roll by?

 

I have a solution: Date sideways.

 

Find someone who is real, who makes you laugh and who - this is the most important part - wants you, too.

 

Cindy Rodríguez's column appears Tuesdays and Thursdays in Scene. Contact her at 303-820-1211 or email removed .

[xxatti]

Good post, quite funny.

[JonnyG]

So true.

[bleeder]

Yes, quite a good article.

 

I think the key to successful dating is to be honest, sincere and most of all, to be practical about it. Most people tend to date with hopes of landing a Miss Universe or Mister Manhunt.

 

Though I do not not believe in "inner beauty", but let's all date with an open mind. [Of course, looking pleasant and alluring counts! Big time. ]

[wlfpack81]

Very good column and the truth. I know I'm near the bottom of the sphere so while I'll admit I love to admire the beauty of those women out of my league I'll never so much as even waste a breathe of my time and there's attempting to strike up a conversation. Not worth it and the more people realize this the better off fellow nerds like myself will be.

[Scout]

Well, it's not just looks that make someone out of our league...for example, let's say you're a really attractive woman, but that's about all you have going for you...you meet an "average" looking guy, but he's also extremely smart, very witty, has a most interesting life, and a great career...well, if all you are is pretty, but not much of a conversationalist and no hobbies, etc...than I think this guy would be out of your league. So, looks aren't the only factor in this equation of dating "up" or dating "down". Although it does seem to be one of the main factors, because like this columnist, I see too many guys swarming around the gorgeous women, even though they themselves are trolls! In fact, it's often the least desirable guys that most persistently badger these women. [/i]

[disEnchantid]

that was a good article, I, too, believe it is very important to take the emphasis off of looks when you meet someone and look more to what's inside. a lot of times you find that the more you get to know someone and like them, the better looking they become to you. In fact, all the guys I have ended up dating I was not attracted to looks-wise initially, but after getting to know them, became very attracted to them. Of course, this may also be because I am shy and often have a hard time being myself with people I find very physically attractive.

I think the author of the article inadvertantly encourages the idea that better looking people are somehow better people, by saying we should look sideways, she is supporting the notion that people can be easily placed on some sort of linear hierarchy in terms of their worth, which simply isn't true.

[Scout]

She does place more emphasis on looks in the article, but than, so do the people she's writing about. I think she just kept noticing how her male friends would always zoom in right away on the hottest girls in the room, so finally gave them some much needed harsh advice! The reality is, too many of us place emphasis on looks and think, if we get the hot guy or girl, than that will "up" our own status.

[wlfpack81]

Actually I do believe you can put people on a sort of ladder when it comes to dating. Face it normally it goes like this:

 

Ugly people date ugly people

Beautiful people date other beautiful people

Rich date the rich

Poor date the poor

 

It's kind of like the old caste system in India where if you were born into poverty you had to stay there your whole life. Sucks I know but it's reality. Now of course there are exceptions and someone not that attractive can end up with someone who is for whatever reason (usually being money, power or celebrity I mean Dennis Rodman had Camern Electrica for pete's sake).

[xxatti]

that was a good article, I, too, believe it is very important to take the emphasis off of looks when you meet someone and look more to what's inside. a lot of times you find that the more you get to know someone and like them, the better looking they become to you. In fact, all the guys I have ended up dating I was not attracted to looks-wise initially, but after getting to know them, became very attracted to them.

 

PLEASE GOD repeat this for all the guys out there that for some reason cant get this through their thick skulls.

[hurtbylove]

The way I see it there are 2 different ways of meeting people.

 

1) Initial attraction, wow she's cute, I think i'll approach her and see how that goes.

 

2) There isn't much to start with, you don't notice much. But maybe once you start talking, doing things together, even just as friends, you see a little more there. The attraction is slow, but it builds.

 

I think the type 2 relationships usually end up a little better than those made by initial attraction.

 

The 1st one starts out stronger, but is more likely to fail after the initial wow factor wears out. The 2nd one already has a base from which to launch.

 

I don't really think there is anything wrong with either approach, they are valid ways of meeting people.

 

I think a lot of people, myself included, do indeed put people in categories. I do this especially for people I don't know, like that is a cute date-able girl, that one is average and I wouldn't go for her. But this is on the basis of appearance and not personality. My first judgement tend to be way off from reality. Of course it's possible that I could fall for someone for their personality and see past some of the physical attractivness factor.

[HappyFunnyFoo]

I have had experiences like this before; my second major relationship, which is my current one, started off with problems like this. I lit a fire in this girl's heart by becoming close friends with her over several months, and then made a move on Valentine's day and we eventually went to prom. However, I was not madly in love with her at that point. I started having doubts about why I wanted to go out with her, and thought other women would give me a much better experience. But, the more that I talked with her and got to know her, and the more I talked to other girls, I realised this was something special. We have always had a great time together and share so many of the same interests that it's spectacular. We are comfortable with each other and have had great experiences together. What's more is the relationship is completely abstinence-based; all of this is just from our minds and hearts.

 

I'm going through some trouble with it (look on the age differences forum) because her parents are trying to pull the plug. However, I think that I am more than halfway there to what I consider true love: through the development of a deep, fulfilling, enjoyable, intimate relationship over time is how I experience the development of love.

 

I at first wondered if I was dating someone too young, too inferior, and so on; now she is a truly amazing person.

 

-HappyFunnyFoo