Meeting someone new...

[also_rdr]

It seems a little inconsistent to feel the need to caution Spatz so indignantly for having the courage to dip his toes back in to the dating scene, when you have no problem endorsing SincerelyHurt (above) for diving straight back in and positively splashing around!

i

 

yeah it does seem inconsistent doesnt it? Maybe it's because I wasn't cautioning him about dating, but about hurting the girl. You're right I should of cautioned Sincerly's too. But I think you agree that their both very different. Sincerely is much much further along than Spatz is and ex is moving away.

 

Let me say again. I think it's great that people are dating. I am too. I never said not to date. This is what make's me think that people don't read my posts. All I'm trying to do is make people be more cautious. Because I doubt that they really understand the power that they have in their hands. Sure they were hurt, and they may have even have hurt before too. But a love triangle is a much more rare situation, and being the dumpee I have a unique perspective on how people can think there doing everything correctly but still hurt some one really bad in the end. People trust in your own ignorance. Isn't it possible that you might make a mistake in this regard in the future. That's all I'm saying.

[spatzcolumbo]

I fully understand and listen to all of your advice raider, but i simply do not understand why you feel that you personally have so much more understanding of this situation than the rest of us.

 

Because I doubt that they really understand the power that they have in their hands

 

Why would other people not understand it?? I understand the power i have in my hands. As i said, i really hurt someone before to the point where she dropped out of Uni, moved home, and had to have counselling for a long time. I know where i went wrong, and i know what i shouldn't have done. it was a triangle. I messed up. I learnt my lessons.

 

I respect you for standing by your opinions, and it is great to have this kind of discussion going on, but i also sometimes have some issues with your opinions. But then again, this board would be no fun without a difference of opinion every now and then!!!

[dikaia880]

Hey Raider....

You have made a good point about being careful, and there are a couple posts that it seems like the poster wasn't getting your full point...It probably got lost in passion of it all

 

In your last post you talk about your unique perspective of being the dumpee when one goes back to an ex...You are not the only one that has had this happen...it's happened to me and probably a lot more. To me being in that situation was easier than any of the other heartbreaks I've had...I knew very little of that ex's past and when her ex boyfriend came around it all caught me by surprise and then it was over...but it was easy because I understood that they had that history, which is always hard to better...My current ex's ex asked her out about a month after we started dating, she said no and stayed with me...at that point I told her, don't worry about my feelings, if you want to be with him I'll undeerstand...but she stayed and ended up breaking my heart 8 months later...That sort of thing will always happen, it just does...

can I ask how long you were with your ex before her boyfriend came back? The ex I speak of I was with for five months...

 

Sli...It seems your post assumes raider doesn't wish Spatz well, but if you read back you will see that he did on several times tell spatz that it was a good thing, but to be careful...

[Sli]

Yes dikaia880 I can see that Raider5 does say that he is glad that Spatz is dating this girl.

 

However I just felt that the sentiment seems almost lost amongst all the cautionary tales. Just wanted to take the opportunity to congratulate Spatz on taking this positive step, and after following his progress point out (not just as an afterthought) how this gives everyone hope that we can get through this and take steps to move on someday…. cautiously

 

Sli

[spatzcolumbo]

Cheers Sli,

 

And you make a VERY good point...i never thought (even a week ago) taht i would realistically meet anyone else, but now it has happened, i have seen it for what it is - GREAT. My sister went through this with her bf - he dumped her for 5 months - she got together with someone else short term, and then got back with her bloke and they are happy. She said that i should go with it but take it slowly because it helps to give you that confidence in yourself that is essential at a time like this. She said that if my ex comes back i will be in a stronger position anyway, and will be more ready to make the decision of whether or not i actually want her back. And if the ex doesn't come back, this new girl will serve at least to help me realise that i don't need the ex. But obviously none of this has to result in the new girl getting hurt. It just has a lot to do (hopefully) with me getting over all the hurt that has gone before.

[dikaia880]

Your sister makes a huge point...Spatz...you deserve this, go have fun (yes be careful LOL) but live life....

We only have one life to live, we don't know how long it last so we might as well live like we're dying...think about it, if you had ten days, what would you do? Then ask yourself why aren't you doing it now? Somethings okay you won't do...I know there'd be things I wouldn't but others? why not?

[spatzcolumbo]

Cheers...i will be careful - for my own good as much as anyone else!! I can't afford to hurt someone the way i hurt someone before - it put too much emotion back onto me in the form of guilt!!! A bad thing to say, i know, but there ya go!!

[spatzcolumbo]

Right quick update...

 

Things seem to be going ok with the new girl, although i woke up this morning for the first time in a few weeks, and was thinking about my ex a lot. Not sure why.

 

Although on Saturday, i was out with the new girl and bumped into my ex....6 months to the day since we split up. Weird.

 

Anyway when i first saw her (her working behind the bar, i was on my own) she ignored me totally...i smiled, she ignored. Then the new girl arrived, and i went to buy her a drink, and bumped into (literally physically bumped into) the ex and so said hi and apologised for giving her so much hassle during the breakup, and thanked her for the birthday card. She smiled, and apologised that she hadn;'t got me more for my birthday, and then said "anyway, i gotta get back to work, but you're looking good"...

 

Then i went back to the new girl, and had a great night with her, and my ex will have seen us togehter. We were not all that couply, but i think it would have been obvious enough to my ex that i have someone new.

 

Anyway, went on to a club, had a great night with the new girl, but still not entirely sure, which is why i am not getting too full on with her...trying to keep it backed off a bit.

 

In addition to that, i met another girl who i have known since i was about 6. I used to have a major crush on her, and saw her for the first time in about 5 years, and we hit it off really well. Caught her just sitting there staring at my a few times, and she kept asking me (and nobody else) if i was single!! Aaaargggggggh.

 

Yet i still feel mixed up by the ex, although this weekend in particular has made me realise how much else is out there.

[dikaia880]

It all seems to start coming around fo ryou now spatz....I think you've turned that corner, speeding towards being over your ex and on with your life! Hopefully this pace keeps up for you...and when it does it'll be easy to look back and laugh at what your ex did and to laugh at the pain that has been replaced with joy...

 

While I am not nearly over my ex...I've been going out the past couple weekends and have met a couple girls (all out of town and couldn't/wouldn't date them, but it is nice to know I'm wanted)..

Friday night I was at a buddies lake cabin and we went to a local bar....this girl (well I should say woman as she was about 5 years older than me ) was all about me the whole night, dragging me around the place, dancing with me, buying me drinks, and 'showing' me off to her friends (that was fun!) She was very good looking, we kissed a little and had a good time...I could have goon home with her, I didn't, but knowing I could have gone home with her is sort of an ego boost...I'm still thinking of the ex...late saturday night I was sitting alone on the lake having a beer and a smoke and all I could think of was what my ex is doing now...I hate that thought, stupid paranoia sets in and you think she's probably with some other guy and it hurts...Oh well, at least I'm at the point where when I start doing that I tell myself to Man Up and think of the positives...how I can go out and met another...but I am now only a month and a half away from moving back and trying to start it up again (hopefully she's single when I get back so I can even have a chance!)

[spatzcolumbo]

Yeah Dikaia, half of me at the moment is enjoying the attention of having other wome interested in me...there have been a few who have shown interest and its a hell of a nice ego boost!!

[Scout]

Well, Spatz, I haven't been on your thread before, but since the topic seems to be about getting back out there into the dating world, thought I'd use your thread as an update on my own situation, if you don't mind.

 

I too am dating again - I met two guys this week, and one of them I really think I could like! He's very, very funny - a really bright, well-traveled guy, and there's just something that clicks with us. He's also very attractive - don't laugh, but he has an uncanny resemblence to Leonardo DiCaprio!

 

The other guy...well, this is a problem. He's been very nice to me on our two dates, a real gentleman, but I'm not attracted to him. Part of it is physical - he's rather skinny, and that's sort of a turn-off for me - but I could probably overlook that if he had some real interesting qualities, and he just doesn't. He doesn't seem to have many interests, or friends. So conversations between us, while not awkward, aren't really very memorable.

 

The problem is that I think he's really interested in me, and I am not sure how to convey that I don't feel the same way without hurting his feelings.

 

Any suggestions? I really don't want to hurt his feelings/ego, he seems like a kind of lonely person who has been burned in the past (haven't we all!) Plus, I'm afraid I might have led him on a little...although I'm not sure why I feel this way. I was just very friendly on both our dates, which is my natural personality, especially when the other person isn't talking that much and I am trying to keep the conversation going.

[dikaia880]

Hmm...scout turns dumpee to dumper...oh the irony! Just kidding scout...With the guy your not so interested in, maybe just stop talking to him? if you've only been out a couple times, I don't think he needs (or should expect) a big explaination...It seems to me if someone doesn't call you back after a date or two that it just wasn't there...I could be wrong though....if not that just explain to him that you thought you were ready to date but just don't think you are....how's that?

good luck!

[Scout]

Thanks for the advice. The only thing is that the last time we saw each other, I told him I would make him dinner this week. Because I'm a vegetarian and he expressed interest in what kind of food I eat. But you know what, you're right, we only hung out twice and I don't think I really need to give a long drawn out explanation. But I'm a chicken and don't want to have to say anything over the phone...would an email suffice? One that just says, hey, I'm not ready to date after all, etc. Geez, this sounds callous even as I'm writing it.

[RayKay]

Scout - I have been in that position too a few times (though I am not dating now, so it has been a couple years!). I have usually just said I am just not ready in the past, or that I needed time to heal from recent events. I have had a couple guys who were starting to become friends in get really ticked off and still won't talk to me as they thought I was leading them on (though I wasn't intending too, things were miscontrued), but others understood and I still talk to them on occasion.

 

Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Let him know that you just need this time to yourself right now, and maybe you could handle a friendship but you are just trying to make it on your own two feet right now.

 

Best of luck

[Scout]

Good morning all! I'm in a particularly good mood. Had a great time with the new guy last night, he's a lot of fun to be around. It feels so good to be dating again, I thought it would be a while before I'd meet someone I really liked again, and so it was a pleasant surprise to meet this new guy. It's funny, you think your ex is perfect for you in so many ways, than you meet someone new who has qualities that suddenly you notice your ex never had. So, I encourage everyone who is ready to dive back into the dating world again. Yeah, you might meet some duds at first, but you never know - you might meet a really awesome person right away!

 

As for the other guy, I'm taking Dikaii's advice and just not calling...yet, anyway. I feel bad, but I probably am over-reacting.

 

This new guy is so interesting...he's traveled all over the world, and he even said last night maybe we would travel somewhere together one day. Yeeps!

[dikaia880]

Scout...if the other guy calls you just simply tell him the truth..."sorry but I had been dating and met someone else that I really like..." He shouldn't take it hard...

Good luck with the new guy...I'm so happy for you...it's also nice to see yet another person on here who was so down before, get back on the horse and get riding again!!!

[Scout]

Thanks Dikaia. I guess I'll end up doing that, but I do sort of feel guilty since I told him I'd make him dinner. Oh well. I'm probably thinking everyone is as overly sensitive as I am!

 

So how are things going with you? Need an update on your situation...

[dikaia880]

It just shows your a true sweetheart...but don't worry about him...he's better off with no date than a pity date

 

Things are okay with me...I had a fun weekend I think I posted about a couple posts back...Had a girl all over me friday night, could have gone home with her, but didn't really want to...She was pretty attractive...It's just nice to know I can meet someone....

 

I don't know much about things with my ex...we've talked very very little in the past month and half or two months...For all I know she's dating someone, hard to think about, but I guess thats the way life goes sometimes if thats the case...

Time is flying by for me, I think God answered my prayers on that one....I only have a month and a half until I move back to my ex's town (my college town) to go to graduate school...I've plans for pretty much every weekend until then and I'm about as happy as a heartbroken midwest boy can be! So in a month and a half I'll have more info on the ex, but I know this however things work out with her and I, I will be happier in that town earning my MBA, working ($$$ LOL) and being in a town where I know so many people and feel so much more relaxed with the pace of life...

 

Next week, I'm also going to a sleep clinic to get checked out...I've never really been one to be wide awake and I've realized it's probably a sleep disorder...So by all accounts after they figure out whats wrong I'll be a much happier person, I'll be able to go out and be awake and have fun...I won't look un-interested when I'm really just tired, and I'll feel so much better (which leads to more smiles, which leads to a more open and friendly me) I talked to one guy I worked with who had all the symptoms I do (of sleep apnea) he said once he got treated his life turned 180...he's always smiling, wide awake, quick witted, and he says he see's his old self in me and said he'd be surprised if I don't become 100% happier with my life and self and all of that once I get treated...so I'm super excited about that...(even though I hate doctors LOL)

 

I think i've started to take that corner...I still love my ex and want her back, but I do know if not I'll find someone else...

 

I'm wondering if I should call her though...to say hi and catch up...I'd hate to get back to school and haven't had talked to her for months...maybe a little contact is the way to go...I just don't want an awkward conversation (the last one sort of was, mainly because she was asking me about work and quiting and moving back, none of which I can really talk about here at work...LOL)

What do you think? sorry, got a little long LOL

[Scout]

About the sleep clinic - GREAT idea. People really underestimate the negative effects that we get from inadequate amounts of sleep. I've had insomnia off and on for years, and have considered going to a clinic as well. At the moment, I'm sleeping pretty well, but believe me, I've been there, and I know that groggy, uncomfortable feeling that ensues the next day. And its a proven fact that lack of sleep can cause depression, or at least aggravate it. So I encourage you to definitely check this place out.

 

Should you call the ex? I don't know...maybe an email would be in better order, a little more impersonal but still polite. It just depends on what you want the communication to accomplish - if its just a heads up that you're coming back into town, an email should suffice.

 

I understand how you feel about dating...that's how I felt, but really all it takes is a vibrant, special person to come along that will make you quickly revise any "don't want to date anyone but the ex" maxim. Keep going out, it'll happen.

[dikaia880]

I do already have an appointment at the sleep clinic next monday...

I'm always falling asleep, and the tiredness definitely has a way of draggin down even the best of moods...

 

I emailed her before, probably three or four weeks ago now...she didn't respond, but last summer she didn't check her email for three months, so it doesn't say a whole lot....

Last time we talked she called me on her way to work to thank me for the b-day card I sent her....we chit-chatted, but didn't have much time to really talk...She did say (in a voice that seemed rather excited) "You get to move back soon!" of course I could be reading into that...I mentioned I couldn't really talk about it and that the next time we talked I'd tell her all about it (sort of hoping she'd be curious and call)

I guess I just want to hear her voice a little and try to re-connect a bit...see whats going on in her life...it would be nice just to know she's doing okay and having a good summer so far...It's just that in the past I didn't like calling her because it seemed forced, but when she calls me it's different...I don't know why....I guess I just feel like it's chasing her, and I hate that feeling....

At this point with the dating, I meet girls out at the bars and I've never met a girl in the bar scene that I've ended up liking...plus with only being here another month and a half it's almost pointless as there is no way I will ever get into another LDR!!! LOL

 

So I could call her or not...the questionaire I have to fill out for the sleep clinic suggests that I ask a bed-partner some questions about my sleeping habits...she was my last bed partner and would have a lot to answer, but that would seem weird..."Hi, I just called because we slept together a lot and I have questions about how I sleep..." LOL oh well....tough decision...

[Scout]

Actually, I think that's a perfectly valid reason to call. You can preface it with a joke of something to the effect like, hey this is the best reason I could come up with for a call...than tell her actually you really do need the information...I'm sure she'd want to help especially if she is aware you had a sleeping problem.

 

I don't think I could handle LDRs. I had one once - it was about a three hour difference, so not too bad. But I like to see someone more than once every two weeks or so. It doesn't really feel like a relationship if there isn't that physical proximity more often or not, at least to me. So, I relate to your decision on that. But do keep going out and meeting people, if you can. You never know what adventure you could stumble upon as a result.

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Dikaia - good for you with the sleep clinic...good luck...i could do wht that too - i sleep terribly some nights...i have done since me and the ex split!!

 

Scout, something you said about the LDR thing and physical proximity....its so true, but it just threw me a bit because it got me thinking again about how she said things would be different if there wasn't this distance between us. That is a bad thought for me to be having because it just makes me want the relationship again...which is not healthy in terms of moving on. But it does just make me think, maybe....maybe in the future...

 

I'm with this new girl (just casually at the moment) and i just thought taht its all ok if i take it as it comes...and that maybe in the long run i will still get back with my ex when she moves back here. Maybe in the short term it is just the way that i will have other relationships. I don't know. Either way, i end up happy i guess. if i end up getting back with her, then i'm happy, and if i don't then i will have moved on anyway and hopefully be with someone else.

 

I think. Why do i still have these moments of confusion. i still miss her so much, yet i am with this new girl. I hate it - it makes me doubt the thing with the new girl, and makes me feel like i am doing something wrong, when i am NOT at all!!

[dikaia880]

It's all so confusing at this point Spatz...it will be for awhile. As far as the sleep thing I couldn't fall alseep at night for a long time (a couple months) and I was actually having to take sleeping pills pretty much every night (not healthy at all!) now I'm able to hit the sack and fall asleep in a couple minutes, but I wake up tired, unrefreshed....It's always been like that for me, to be honest I can't remember ever waking up and not feeling wide awake ready for the day...I've had a couple people tell me I have sleep apnea, which is a major health concern in the long run, plus it keeps you from getting good sleep...so I'm doing something about it...I'm excited to be honest!

 

I'm still debating whether to call the ex or not...in my mind theres a couple possibilities why we haven't talked.

1.) she honestly doesn't care and doesn't want to talk to me

2.) she is very busy

3.) She wants to talk but doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on

4.) she wants to talk but thinks it'll be awkward

5.) she wants to talk but thinks she's called enough and that when I'm ready I'll call...

6.) She's with someone else now and has no reason to call me...

 

Arghhhh...damn lists....

I just wished I could call her up and ask what she's think, whats going on in that pretty little head of hers...Someone said well call on of her friends...yeah that won't come off making me look like a 7th grader (or stalker LOL)

Oh I hate this...I just keep hoping and praying things will look up for me in the relationship aspect of my life (at least everything else is going okay for me or I'd be in trouble!)

 

Scout, Spatz, the rest hope you all doing well!

[determined]

I learnt that my ex just got back from Ireland from seeing the pikey shelf stacking bum, grrrr, really upset me.

 

The new gf has been going a bit deeo, 2 months and she's already saying "i love you so much" eeeek!!!, I still love my ex and I've told her I still have feelings for her which makes the new gf want me more, she wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares that we got back together...hmmm.

 

Anyway, I am going to be selfish here, work is going awesome, this new girl will do anything for me and I'm not lying to her or treating her badly, in fact the opposite. I'm always saying "you dont know what can happen" as in I know this new gf is not the one.

 

My advice Spatz, go for it, enjoy yourself and keep your distance from the ex

[determined]

AHHHHHHH

 

The ex text me on Sun asking how I am and she saw my ads on TV and how good they are bla bla bla, I ignore feeling good and then just decided to ring her, it's Wed afternoon. She answers with a weird "err I'm in the car I'll call you back in 10 mins" 30 mins later no call........She has my security tennis ball damn it!!!

 

Feeling annoyed at myself and angry at her. Guess they can still get there jabs in when they want to.

 

My advice, never ever ever ever call the ex, reply to a txt yes but DON'T CALL!!!!!