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Hilarious Blind Date Stories


Hopelives

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I'm going to start with my plethora of blind dates (those met online dating sites or via friends):

 

1) Was set up by a friend with a guy who has a great job, nice manners, and decided upon meeting me that:

  • dogs are bad because of the fur (he knew I had 5 at the time)
  • donating hands-on time to volunteering in impoverished areas was a waste when one could simply "write a check and be done with it" (I'm in school to become a rural family doc)

 

2) Went on blind date with guy from dating site that started in on how he'd met and fallen for the most gorgeous lady in the city and while sitting there with him he hit on the waitress, the lady at the other table, and then me (I've been a model so I'm not exactly unattractive altho at 45, I'm also not skinny nor wrinkle-free)

 

3) Went on blind date with guy from dating site who was so enamored and wanting to show off his impeccable manners and wine skills that he got nervous and dumped an ENTIRE carafe of RED wine all over my very white, very pressed jeans so bad were my pants that I needed to borrow a towel from the restaurant to leave and drive home for fear of staining his cloth seats (and yes, it looked like I'd hemorrhaged all over my pants)

 

and the coup de grace

 

4) The guy on the set up date that wondered how hard it was for me at 6'1" with a modeling career (ahahahaha) and school AND, he added breathlessly, "baggage being a single mom" - to date. I looked at him and said my Hartman and I did just fine and walked out.

 

LOL - Hartman is generally as expensive as Louis.

 

And that "baggage" is my son who is now 18 and far more precious than any leather toting bag I could buy.

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1.) Was matched to guy on e-harmony who was a right wing neo-con. I’m very progressive, to the point of activism. I thought I’d give him a shot considering that I should be open minded about my world view. We did have an interesting political conversation, both of us remained reasonable and open minded. It was actually kind of nice to get the point of view from the other side. He presented himself as a Reagan Republican, which…well…seems kind of moderate these days. He then got drunk and showed his true colors, spouting on and on about those ‘ * * * * * * y’ French, quoting Beck and using the word ditto. That’s when I realized what I was dealing with and figured there was no chance. But I was nice about it, until he pushed me against my car in the parking lot and shoved his tongue down my throat. Then I wasn’t so nice about it.

Oddly, he called the next day to see if I wanted to go out again.

 

I immediately canceled my subscription to E-harmony.

 

So much for 29 dimensions of compatibility…more like 29 dementias…

 

2.) Met a guy on Craigslist. I hate to admit that I was taken by his picture. Absolutely gorgeous blue eyed man, staring straight into the camera, dark hair with those oh so sexy swatches of grey around the temples. We talked on the phone and he seemed witty and sincere so I agreed to meet him at a local brew pub. I fully expected the picture to be 20 years old or something, I didn’t expect him to look like his picture at all. So when I pulled up and there he was, staring with those blue eyes straight into my windshield I was pleasantly surprised. Totally hot. And then he turned his head….and I got the side profile view. The poor man was born without a jaw line, he had a sever overbite, no jaw at all.

 

I thought…sigh…well, love is blind. I know myself and I know that if he’s an awesome person I’ll find him attractive anyway.

 

We sat down for a beer and he refused to touch the glass until he purelled it (this was WAY before the swine flu thing). He offered me purrell, and when I declined he chastised me for not being aware of all the germs. He wouldn’t touch anything without pulling out a handkerchief and wrapping his hand in it. So very bizarre. His conversation was all about what people in the bar were wearing, making fun of them. I had one beer and got the hell out of there.

 

He called the next day and wanted to meet again. I made an excuse. Then he called and left a rash of hysterical messages on my voice mail telling me what a stuck up b*tch I was, how I didn’t know what was good for me….radda…radda….

 

No more online dating for me. Nope.

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What I hate the most about online dating is that the men seem to think that you are going to kiss them at the end of the date. I'm not about to kiss someone I barely know, even if I'm attracted to them and would like to see them again. I just don't get it...it is so uncomfortable bumping forheads with someone who is trying to kiss you...ughh...

 

No, no online dating.

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My friend set me up with this "very sweet" guy a few years back... he called, asked if I could pick him up because car was in the shop... no big deal. I arrive at his house--huge and gorgeous!!! and think he's doing very well for himself... he's 27 btw... as we're driving to our "surprise" date (he wouldn't tell me where we were going, so I wore a cute skirt and great heels) I ask if he has roommates or lives alone... he says, "my brothers and sisters are my roommates"...I say, "oh? That's great you're so close!" He then goes on to explain he still lives at home with mom and dad... okaaaay.

 

We get to the "date" site... umm.. his big surprise? Hiking. Yeah. He saw what I was dressed in. I LOVE hiking but not so much in heels. He looks totally offended and starts whining about how he failed, blah blah blah... so I f-ing hike in heels. Eventually, he gives in.

 

We're driving to the movie theatre and he asks if I'm religious. I say no, it's not really my thing but I was raised Catholic and am more of a "Creaster" (Christmas and Easter mass-goer)... he says he's Christian Reformed and asks if I'll start going to church with him... I laughed and said no... he looked at me, dead serious, "God will SHUN you".

 

So, we get to the movie theatre. He said we're only able to see one that's been out for awhile and is $3 instead of the $10 or whatever, so I figured he was tight on cash and was planning on paying. He bought himself a ticket. So, I had to buy my own. We get to the concessions and he says if I want anything, I'd better get it... he orders an XL popcorn and tells me I can't have any. I laugh because it's massive and he says, "No, I'm serious"... good lord, I don't want to touch your popcorn anyways.

 

So, AFTER the film is done, we're headed back to the car and he asks if I want to get dinner. No freaking way. My feet hurt, I'm muddy, and want to punch him. Plus, didn't he just consume 9000 calories?

 

I learn on the drive home that the car in the shop was his dad's and he has none of his own.... in this city, a car is necessary. Everything is very spaced out... So, to sum up... 27, lives at home, no college, no car, very religious, stingy, weird.

 

He continues calling me for MONTHS after saying how much he likes me (but I thought I was being shunned by god?). I eventually texted him that I was pregnant and didn't know who the baby-daddy was. He stopped calling after that.

 

AFTERMATH: Right before I met my boyfriend, he messaged me on an online dating site saying he was interested. He didn't remember me.

 

OHHHH, and his looks! He was SO unattractive... 5'4, WAY overweight, balding, corn kernel, crooked teeth...bleh!!!!

 

 

 

Some of you may be wondering why I put up with the whole date? Because my friend worked with him and didn't want to make it awkward for her. I'm too nice to just walk out.

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I went hiking on my last online date, but she was wearing tennis shoes... and she out-hiked me by far. We're going up an incline so steep I would have thought of using rope. I'm winded like crazy and she's just chatting away like she's at the mall.

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I went hiking on my last online date, but she was wearing tennis shoes... and she out-hiked me by far. We're going up an incline so steep I would have thought of using rope. I'm winded like crazy and she's just chatting away like she's at the mall.

 

And this is a bad thing? She sounds athletic.

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For the most part, these are the types of guys that ruin things for us normal, well-adjusted guys.

 

I too have stopped trying the online dating thing but I just wasn't getting the response I had hoped for and it was really hard on the old ego.

 

The old-fashioned way may be a bit slower than the online method but I find it much more personable!

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Worst blind date ever:

 

A friend of mine set me up with her neighbor. He said we'd go to a club and get dinner before then. He picked me up for the date and said we had to pick up his friends. So on the way there he said we would stop at the Oasis (a restaurant over the expessway) and get KFC. I went in to order a dinner (I paid though I thought he would) and when I got back from the washroom I saw he ate my mashed potatoes! So I take my meal in his car and we drive to the nightclub. When we got to the nightclub he expected me to pay for him. I paid for myself and went in. While there his friends kept buying drinks. The guy I was with expected me to buy drinks for his friends but they said it was their treat. While there the guy I was with decided to smoke a joint and get high. The guys met up with their girlfriends and everyone decided to take a walk on the beach. While there these guys started making out with their girlfriends and the guy I was with thought I'd make out with him. I told him no way. Eventually we drove back to his friends apartment and by then he was completely stoned/drunk.

 

At the apartment he kept pressuring me for sex. When I said no, he got mad and drove off. His friends took me home and told me I should stay away from him because he's trouble. His friends were with. A few weeks later this guy called me again for a second date and I declined. He then proceeded to yell at my friend for matching him up with a "prude".

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and when I got back from the washroom I saw he ate my mashed potatoes!

 

That's too funny.

 

Were you referencing the oasis on the Chicago Skyway? Last time I was there, they only had a McDonalds...be nice to hear they added something else.

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That's too funny.

 

Were you referencing the oasis on the Chicago Skyway? Last time I was there, they only had a McDonalds...be nice to hear they added something else.

 

This was the I94 tollway in the South Suburbs, not too far from there though. I'm not sure if it's there because this was in 1992.

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Oh God... I forgot all about the blind date with a TV producer...

 

He's won Emmy's. Yeah, the ones at night that people clammor over.

 

Anyway, we met at this really very nice Italian restaurant. He was very chatty, VERY L O U D!!!

 

Food came, we're chatting away up a storm (he's talking about all his productions) and he eyes up my dinner.

 

He eats his.

 

Without asking, promptly and forcefully stabs a piece of meat on my plate and says, "Thank you. Hope you don't mind!"

 

Um... yeah... I about barfed.

 

lol - he was the worst ... okay, scratch that, he's just on my bad dates list.

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This was about 4 years ago and my last date before my current bf. Long but funny/scary. I met mr x on hot or not we talked on the phone for a couple weeks and he was so polite, nice, interesting and funny so I felt comfortable to meet up with him.

 

I told him I was single for 2 years and wanted to take things slow so I wouldnt consider this a date more so of a hanging out. He agreed and said that it takes him time to consider someone girlfriend material. I liked this because all the guys I know will settle for any girl that gives them the time of day without taking the time to get to know them. I also made it clear that we would pay our own way (to get that out of the way and have it be less stressfull).

 

Well I am a bit of a planner and from our conversations I saw he was very much into comedy so I got tickets to go see a comedy show and surprise him. We meet up and everything goes great! We go to a pool hall and play a few games and he insists on paying the tab, so I thank him and tell him the surprise comedy show and say that its my treat. We get there have a great time and decide to grab a drink at a bar around the way. We get there and have a drink and start talking and watching the band... so far so good. He goes outside to have a smoke... I had asked him when I first started talking to him if he smoked and he said no (strike one). He comes back in and he starts telling me about his mom whom died 4 years ago to cancer and how much it affects him. I wonder why he is telling me this on a first meeting but figure maybe he was just comfortable and wanted someone to listen. I told him I understand because my died of cancer when I was 10. He says well it is harder for me ok (said very sternly and with psychotic eyes lol strike 2) So he continues on on how hard it is for him to deal with things and how lonely it is seeing all his friends married and he isnt yada yada. At this point I am trying very hard to find my happy place

 

So we leave the bar after he had like 5 beers and was pretty buzzed. He was telling me how fun it would be to start random fights with people and that he does that often

(strike 3 at this point I was walking towards a train station and he was following). The he says hey enough of this hanging out bs, when are we going to date! I would like to make you my gf already. (strike 4 lol not that it matters) So I tell him that he had a bit too much to drink and that I was heading home. He stops in the middle of the street and screams "How dare you! That is rude and insulting and I dont think I want to even walk you to the station!" Then he follows me to the station as I start to walk away. At this point he is talking about his mom again and how I can never understand the pain of losing a mother O_o So I got to the train and went home. An hour later I get a text from him saying he will not contact me again because he felt very insulted that I told him he drank too much and felt i was immature... I simple replied ok

 

Next day he calls me, i dont answer and he leaves a voice mail saying he wants to hang out again. I copy and paste him his text and say live by your convictions and please dont further embarrass yourself by contacting me again.

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This wasn't a long date but an example of why I've given up online dating. On Match I was talking to this great guy. He liked the same music I did, the same shows and movies, everything. We even had the same political views and he didn't live far. So we met for a coffee and chatted for hours because neither one of us wanted to leave. I was happy because after meeting all these weird guys online I finally met mr perfect.

 

Of course when they seem perfect they aren't. We met at a restaurant for our official first date. I was bouncy that evening getting ready, I was so sure I finally found the one who I wanted. So we meet at the restaurant and he looked good. Right before the waitress was going to come to the table, someone else did: his wife. Yep, the perfect guy was married and had kids. She started yelling at me and I told her I didn't know he was married. Grabbed my purse and coat and left. While walking to my door I saw her yelling at him.

 

I know technically the second meeting isn't really a blind date, since I had met him on the previous meeting, but close enough.

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When I was in high school, A guy gave me his number...I called him and his roommate picked up. We talked for a while and he was very nice and sweet, so we decided to meet up. When I entered the restaurant I saw the ugliest guy I could ever ask for,lol. I tried hard to stay there during the date and be nice and normal and then dumped him on the phone. I doubt I ever go on a blind date again, at least I have to see a pic of them before going!

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Ah... nothing too bad, but this story has become more bizarre as time goes by. Or maybe I've just realized that it wasn't normal. I was meeting this guy from online for the first time. It wasn't even a date-- just a first meet. So we met at a park, got to know each other a bit, walked around... it was mostly fun, but more awkward than I had hoped.

 

Anyway, we then sit down at a picnic table and keep talking... and he starts interviewing me about what basically amounts to political views, though thankfully in a round about way. Do you shop at Wal-Mart? Do you use a bank or a credit union? (When I said I used a credit union, his answer was "Well that's good!" I think this was because I gave the wrong answer to the Wal-Mart question.) There were more questions too. My basic response was, "I don't really care..." though I did try to disguise it. He then informed me that I was still young (I was 20, and he was 25, I think...) and as I got older I'd get a firmer identity and know more about who I am.

 

Well, part of that is true. I know more about who I am, but I still don't give a crap about bank vs. credit union. I've just learned to philosophically justify myself better. The best part is, I left that meet feeling like I was a really awkward person with no social skills... it wasn't for a few months that it suddenly dawned on me that I wasn't the one conducting an interview the first time I met someone...

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Oh God... I forgot all about the blind date with a TV producer...

 

He's won Emmy's. Yeah, the ones at night that people clammor over.

 

Anyway, we met at this really very nice Italian restaurant. He was very chatty, VERY L O U D!!!

 

Food came, we're chatting away up a storm (he's talking about all his productions) and he eyes up my dinner.

 

He eats his.

 

Without asking, promptly and forcefully stabs a piece of meat on my plate and says, "Thank you. Hope you don't mind!"

 

Um... yeah... I about barfed.

 

lol - he was the worst ... okay, scratch that, he's just on my bad dates list.

 

was he a director or a producer? i know movie/tv directors can be a little strange at times.. can't say about producers though

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These stories are unbelievable! I've laughed my way through this whole thread. I can't believe people like this really exist. I've done the online thing and I see I've been really lucky compared to some. Never been on a date with a guy that purelled everything, ate my mashed potatoes, refused to share his movie popcorn, or forgot to mention his wife and kids. Yikes.

 

My only bad blind date story pales in comparison to these. In high school a friend set me up with "the PERFECT" blind date for a dance. She wasn't really a friend of mine, in fact I found her rather racist and insulting in subtle ways. Sure enough, this so-called-perfect guy she had chosen for me was only perfect because our skin colours matched (as if I care about that kind of thing). I was about 15 and showed up in this cute little pink dress and new earrings. He was 20 something and was wearing baggy gangsta clothes, had many visible tattoos, and a tough demeanor. He didn't speak to me AT ALL. I think he nodded hello but that was it...

 

I ended up spending my time with my friends for the whole dance because he wasn't speaking to me and he looked like someone I would have avoided if I met him on the street. The next day the friend who set me up said she was embarrassed by my behaviour and said I shouldn't have ignored him!

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Let me see...

 

1) Met a beautiful woman online (POF) who seemed light and fun. I met her at a local restaurant and when I walked in she was a good 30lb overweight and upon saying hello she had a lisp. I figured just enjoy the night and have a good meal. By the end of the night we ended up at my place to watch fireworks and she kept going on and on about how she has been so sad because she thought she would be alone forever util I can around....on a first date. Dropped her off and said good by.

 

2) Online girl again but this time I put in alot of work to get a date with this girl. Anyway she was a hour late for our date she kept calling telling me she was on her way and how sorry she was.

She finally showed up and at least this time the girl was beautiful, small, sexy and flirty I was really digging this girl. We had some drinks and ate dinner things were going good untils she starts talking crazy about how she was raped in the military and all this other way out there stuff....on a first date!

I wont lie though I did date her again (she was beautiful) and she was late again also I started noticing things like she was 24 and loosing her hair. I think this girl might have been off her meds.

 

Yea, the online thing has been for the most part a complete disaster.

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