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5 year relationship ended in 30 minutes.


Mark Bernley

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Hi,

 

I'll start off by saying I'm not particularly leaning one way or another on how I want this situation to be resolved. I suspect the relationship is over for good and I know for sure I don't want to reconcile in the short term, but would be willing to over the summer. I'm just really confused and could use any insight.

 

I have been dating a girl for 5 years until recently. We are both 22 and for the last 4 years have attended colleges in neighboring states. I didn't think anything unusual was happening and I even thought our relationship was getting stronger lately. She called me 1 week ago and told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, hasn't been for some time and that we should not see each other.

 

I had just seen her the week before and I thought we had a great time and she seemed really excited to see me. I was upset on the phone and told her to sleep on it and call me the next day if she didn't feel so sure about it.

 

She didn't call all day, and I called her at night and was pathetic and basically tried convincing her it wasn't the right decision but she just kept saying that she wasn't in love with me and that it was unfair for me to have to change to her needs. I got pissed and called her out on ending a 5 year relationship on the phone and told her that I still loved her and I knew she was a good person but that the way she handled this was going to make getting over her a little easier. This seemed to hurt her a little and she made a weird gasping sound briefly. We said good bye to each other and there hasn't been any contact for 9 days now.

 

I was a mess that night but the next 5 days were unbelievably normal. I dropped her things off with her family and thanked and said goodbye to them and called her sister, who I was close with, and broke the news to her and explained that we'd still keep in touch despite me not dating her sister anymore. I have just started feeling low again and I just realized she hasn't called me in a week.

 

SIDE NOTES

Weird events leading up to and after the break up:

 

- When I spoke to her mother 2 days later, she asked me why this was happening. I told her to speak with her daughter and that she probably can explain it better. She told me that her daughter won't talk about it with her yet. They are very close and talk about everything together.

 

-She asked me to send her a love letter a week before. It was being delivered when she broke up with me and I don't know if she's received it or not.

 

-When she was breaking up with me I asked her if I could come see her to talk about this the next morning. I said if things don't change we can at least say goodbye in person. She said no and that it would just make this harder than it is, and that maybe we can see each other in 2 weeks when she comes home.

 

So my questions are:

 

1. Am I being petty for being angry at how this relationship ended? I feel like I was just thrown away like trash after a really meaningful 5 year relationship.

 

2. What are the chances that she doesn't call again? I'd assume that each day that passes means the odds of her calling are less and less likely.

 

3. Is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a real excuse or was it just a selfish cop out?

 

4. Why the weird stuff? Not talking to her mother or sister about it, the love note, not letting me see her?

 

Thanks anything will be greatly appreciated.

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So my questions are:

 

 

1. Am I being petty for being angry at how this relationship ended? I feel like I was just thrown away like trash after a really meaningful 5 year relationship.

 

 

She handled it poorly. She should have done it in person.

 

 

2. What are the chances that she doesn't call again? I'd assume that each day that passes means the odds of her calling are less and less likely.

 

 

Even though you're in NC mode right now, there's still a chance she may call. She may regret ending things a bit down the road, but I'm not sure I would give her a second chance.

 

 

3. Is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a real excuse or was it just a selfish cop out?

 

 

Cop out. Not to make you feel bad, but there's a good chance she cheated.

 

 

4. Why the weird stuff? Not talking to her mother or sister about it, the love note, not letting me see her?

 

 

Because if she tells them the truth, she'll look bad. She's probably still thinking of an excuse to tell them.

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There's no way to know what her thought process is, but it sounds to me like the physical distance between you may have put a strain on the relationship. At least from her side. She may just feel she's experiencing so many things without you around that she's growing apart from you. That would be my best guess. But without her explaining it there really is no way to know for sure. I know it hurts, but if she can just cut it off in such a cold and abrupt manner, I would say she's not really worth feeling a loss over. I know that may be easier said than done, but you didn't deserve it. It would be best to maintain your dignity and just let it go at this point, I think.

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Like they say it is better to have lived and loved than to have lived and not loved at all! Your fine 5 years in a relationship let the space between grow. Trust me on this Live your life and let her live hers but stay close to her family and over time you should be reunited! unless you find otherwise! Keep your head up! ( if your 420 friendly i suggest smoking a blunt ) haha just being funny!

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So my questions are:

 

 

 

 

 

She handled it poorly. She should have done it in person.

 

 

 

 

 

Even though you're in NC mode right now, there's still a chance she may call. She may regret ending things a bit down the road, but I'm not sure I would give her a second chance.

 

 

 

 

 

Cop out. Not to make you feel bad, but there's a good chance she cheated.

 

 

 

 

 

Because if she tells them the truth, she'll look bad. She's probably still thinking of an excuse to tell them.

 

Haha, this was awesome. This format was exactly what I was looking for.

 

I really don't think she cheated but honestly I know everyone must say that. Also, I really don't think it would bother me too much if she did though? That feels weird saying but right now I believe it.

 

I just remember something that didn't really make sense. When I told her mother the news the first thing she said was "I don't think she's seeing anybody" and "maybe you two just need to see other people for a while"

 

lol how insane would it be if she knew a little more than she let on? Thanks for the responses so far they've all been great.....keep em coming

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1) It's easy to say she should have done it in person, and perhaps she was making it easy for herself to do it that way and not have to take the face to face emotional hardship that she may have been expecting. At least she rang you and didn't just do it via email.

 

2) Hard to say. As Habs the GO GO dancer says, she very well may call if she regrets doing it, but I think this is unlikely. She broke up with you, ended and suggested no contact until she is at home again.

 

3) No, there is a reality behind that statement. I still love my exes, but I'm not in love with any of them. I will always love them but I don't want to be with them. The distance may have caused her heart to dwindle. She no longer felt the same way, she will always think of your fondly but that want for you is gone.

 

4) To me, not talking to her mother may be able not wanting to face her with her change of heart because she is not ready to deal with what her family has to say. Then again, there could be something she doesn't want to discuss with her just yet until she figures out if she has made the right decision.

 

 

My thoughts, and it might be hard to hear, is that someone else may have taken an interest in her. Someone at her college. From what I have heard, a couple that start out at school, but go to separate colleges can often end up going their separate ways because of the distance and because of the closeness to other people. It's a typical LDR scenario. I can't have my partner because they are hours away, but such n such is right there... After a while, feelings start to build. I don't agree with Go Go Habsandwich that she cheated. Perhaps more that she decided she could not deal with the distance anymore and that such n such has started sniffing around and perhaps convinced her that he is a better option.

 

I'm sorry for the loss dude. If you need us, we'll be here.

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Keyman,

 

Thanks for the insight and there's no need to apologize. For me to go back into this relationship ever, a very specific series of events has to take place. I doubt they will and I'm fine with that. It sucks to lose her but I feel better everyday and I'll be fine.

 

I'm mostly just looking for some opinions on the questions that I asked myself after it happened.

 

You say that the distance and time away killed us.....

 

I finish college this semester and we discussed me moving to her school's state in the next year. She was coming home in a little over a month for the entire summer. Last time we were together, about 2.5 weeks ago, she was answering an email from her school advisor, arranging it so that she could perform her internship in the Summer at a hospital in our home state instead of at school. She told me it was all set.

 

Then when she called me that night and I asked her what was wrong the first thing she said was that she was putting in a transfer request at work to stay in her school's state for the summer and that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. And in a sort of annoyed snap back tone.

 

Does this still sound like someone who couldn't deal with the distance?

 

I suspect she chose going out and enjoying herself in the city over coming back home where she only has me.

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1. Am I being petty for being angry at how this relationship ended? I feel like I was just thrown away like trash after a really meaningful 5 year relationship.

 

No she didnt handle it well. She should have done it in person and provided a real explanation. After 5 years you deserve a real explaination not a cliche.

 

 

2. What are the chances that she doesn't call again? I'd assume that each day that passes means the odds of her calling are less and less likely.

 

If you had a good relationship and considering it was 5 years its likely she will call. Its unlikley it will be anytime soon. If she is harboring guilt its very likely she will call you to try to alieviate it.

 

 

3. Is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a real excuse or was it just a selfish cop out?

 

Its a cop out. And I have to agree with the first person, its possible she met someone else. Maybe cheated, maybe not but there is a strong possiblity,even if she didnt "cheat" she left for someone else... imo.

 

 

4. Why the weird stuff? Not talking to her mother or sister about it, the love note, not letting me see her?

 

I dont consider that the weird stuff. The werid stuff is the lack of real excuse. I'm guessing she did something for a selfish reason and probably has a fair amount of guilt about it. It may be something selfish that she's not very proud of and doesnt really want to talk to ppl that may thow some shame her way.

 

The best way to figure out ppl is put yourself in their place and ask questions like. "what would make me act this way?" I've also discovered that what I felt in my gut was usually right on.

 

 

I'm very sorry this happened but it seems like you are taking it in stride. I'm not sure the full weight has hit you just yet but hopefully you'll get through it a little easier than I did

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So my questions are:

 

1. Am I being petty for being angry at how this relationship ended? I feel like I was just thrown away like trash after a really meaningful 5 year relationship.

 

No. its normal to feel this way. i went through the same thing. my gf of 4 years [we were very close] dumped me through messenger and just refused to properly meet me face to face or talk over the phone. i felt angry and tot it was irresponsibile. she even turned into someone very cold and heartless and said alot of hurtful things. but the real reason why she is doing this is because she is feeling very hurt and guilty right now, and having to face you again will only worsen these negative feelings. rmb - it takes alot of pain and courage for her to make this decision, and to have to bring it accross to you is even harder. that is why she said u guys sldnt meet because it will only make things more difficult. a girl who has made this decision will stick to it firmly no matter how much it hurts, and she needs to get this decision accross in the least hurtful way possible. that is why shes hardening herself and keeping her distance to minimize her hurt and guilt.

2. What are the chances that she doesn't call again? I'd assume that each day that passes means the odds of her calling are less and less likely.

 

no one can give u a definite answer. she might/might not call..but that is irrelevant. right now what u need to do is to maintain your space and cut off all contact going forward. if she calls u keep your answer short. if she continues to initiate contact frequently as a "friend", tell her politely u need your space and cannot accept friendship after 5 years of r/s. remember, u are dumped, and u guys are no longer in a r/s. this is the reality. the focus is now on you, not her. dont be her safety blanket. dont pretend u are ok to be her best friend when u are not; u are hurt and angry over being dumped after 5 years of r/s. u need to get over this hurt and the only way forward is not contact her.

3. Is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a real excuse or was it just a selfish cop out?

u see, its no use second guessing all the reasons she has given you. it may or may not be true, but does it matter? only she knows. my girlfriend told me lots of reasons and excuses but it only left me more confused. u see, the dumpee will always not be satisfied with the answers given by the dumper. but it doesnt matter. she has already decided to breakup firmly due to reasons only known to herself. respect this decision and understand that nothing u do now can change it. dont beg, dont plead, dont cry, dont call her or text her. she might/ might not have feelings for u still, but for girls, they are very logical and rational when it comes to deciding matters of the heart. some of them will axe the r/s even if they still love the person or even if it hurts because they know it wont work out eventually, in their perception.

but whatever it is, it doesnt matter if she still loves you or not. she has made that decision, and u have to accept it.

 

4. Why the weird stuff? Not talking to her mother or sister about it, the love note, not letting me see her?

 

no point trying to guess as well. what i surmise is shes going through a tough period as well. rmb - this 5 yr rs is not just about u, its about her too. whatever memories and baggages u have, she has it too. and on top of that, she has to live with the burden of being the one who initiate the breakup. she will most likley be saddled with doubts, pain, hurt, sadness etc but she knows she has to make this decision for reasons only known to herself. so not letting u see her, not telling anyone is a way of protectng herself from more pain and hurt.

 

what is happening to u is exactly the same as what has happened to me a month ago when my gf of 4 years broke up the r/s which was loving and deep. you will feel angry, confused yes; wondering how a person who has loved you so dearly for 5 years could just turn her back on you and distance herself within a bat of an eyelid. but understand that she is prob in as much pain as you are, and that what she's doing is all a reaction to protect herself from being more hurt. just to give u an example, my gf told me during breakup " u think it easy for me huh? i have to watch tv everyday to take my mind off this" and she wrote on facebook " no matter what happens, God will pull me through". shes hurting, just that we dont see it. we only see the cruel, merciless her.

 

Thanks anything will be greatly appreciated.

 

your welcomed. feel free to ask if u have any further doubts

 

oh yea and one more thing, if u need any help dealing with the hurt and pain, let me know. also dont begrudge your gf. actually give yourself some time and some personal space and be alone. the next few weeks things will become clearer after the emotions subside. you will start to analyze things and start to see the r/s in a more balanced view, and you will start to slowly realize all thethings that have gone wrong in this r/s without her telling you. trust me; dont go looking for answers from her. woman dont give truths all the time, they only give generic hazy answers which only lead to more questions. also even if they give u a clear ans, we will always be in doubt and always question it. so let yourself naturally introspect and soon you will find all these answers within yourself as the weeks go by. the flaws and the problems will slowly surface and becoem apparent.

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1. Am I being petty for being angry at how this relationship ended? I feel like I was just thrown away like trash after a really meaningful 5 year relationship.

 

No you're not being petty. I just broke up with my BF of 5 years and I wouldn't have dreamed of doing it over the phone. Admittedly we live together so it wouldn't have been an option, but after 5 years the least she can do is break up face to face. Doing it this way is selfish.

 

2. What are the chances that she doesn't call again? I'd assume that each day that passes means the odds of her calling are less and less likely.

 

This is an unknown - but yes I think that you're right, the chances of her calling are getting slimmer every day. And at this stage I don't think there would be any chance of her calling in a "I've made a huge mistake let's get back together" manner - more likely is that she'll call or text to see how you're doing, reach out an olive branch - but it sounds like her mind was made up for sure when she broke up with you.

 

3. Is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a real excuse or was it just a selfish cop out?

 

I can't speak for her - but from my current experience, that line is absolutely not a selfish cop out. I've been struggling with my feelings for my ex for months and months, and I suppose I do have more concrete reasons for leaving him, like poor communication, lack of interest in activities or social life, etc. - but at this point I feel like there's no point in me giving him the same lectures and complaints that have threaded their way through our whole relationship, when the specifics don't even matter that much anymore - what it comes down to is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you ANYMORE". Or in my exact words to him "I just don't feel the same way anymore". I know it must be frustrating to hear, but when you (i.e. her) feel like the relationship is over for you, the specific complaints just lose their importance. It's over and that's it. If my ex wants to hear more concrete reasons after the dust has settled, I'll certainly give them to him, but it just feels like I'd be giving him a huge list of all his faults which I have pointed out over the years anyway, and what good would it do at this stage when the decision is made...

 

4. Why the weird stuff? Not talking to her mother or sister about it, the love note, not letting me see her?

 

Can't answer this one for sure but will try to guess...

 

Not talking to her mother or sister - I know that I kept all my feelings to myself while I was thinking about it - I talked to a counsellor but I didn't talk to my friends or family or anything, I just wanted to work through it all in my own head. I don't know why she wouldn't talk to them at this stage though - as soon as I told my ex, I was ready to tell everyone else.

 

The love note - I can only guess that she wanted something final to remember you by? Although this isn't something I would have done, and it feels, again, pretty selfish and calculating.

 

Not letting you see her - this one is easy. It's painful to break up with a SO, even if you are the one doing the dumping. Seeing your ex only makes it harder - I have to live with my ex til our notice period is up, and to make matters worse, he's reacting very sweetly and amicably to my decision - he's suffering for sure, but he's trying to make the process as easy as possible. He has no idea that the easiest thing would be for him to be gone so that I wouldn't have to see him, feel the guilt and the pain and the heartache. When I'm in work I'm fine, when I get home and see his face, no matter how nice he's being, it just brings all the emotions to the surface again. That's what your ex is trying to avoid by not seeing you.

 

That's not to say that she's right in doing this - after 5 years I think you deserve much more respect than a phone call out of the blue - but just some insight into maybe why she's doing these things.

 

Hope this helps some.

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I would agree with all of this except number 4. I think if you have a close enough relationship to her mother to call her then I can see why she didn't want to tell her. Perhaps she didn't want her mother running interference between the two of you.

 

I think in a LDR, it's harder to break-up in person and at least she didn't do it over im or email. But it sounds like she's just growing apart from you. She's growing and you are not there ... it can be hard to maintain love with such distance. Plus, you both are soo young and have been together for so long. Perhaps she has a need to see what else is out there before settling down, which is a normal part of growing at a young age.

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Thanks to everyone so far.

 

All the insight has been really helpful.

 

Sometimes I'm excited that I'm getting to basically start my life over and socialize and be with my friends and family more, but I've been getting these waves of sadness when I realize that it truly is over.

 

I think I'm handling this a lot better than I should be and I hope I'm not in denial or anything. I don't expect the relationship to work out and I wouldn't go back if she called today.

 

I was thinking about it earlier and I think I might be more satisfied if she never calls again than if she called to "check in" on me. I want to handle this with dignity, but I don't think I could let her assuage her guilt in such a selfish way and not say anything truthful/hurtful to her.

 

Any advice on how I should handle a situation like that?

 

ie: She calls and wants to meet so that we can talk about what happened.

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So my questions are:

 

1. Am I being petty for being angry at how this relationship ended? I feel like I was just thrown away like trash after a really meaningful 5 year relationship.

 

It is normal to be angry in your situation. She could have done it in person. That said, she was free to break up with you at the time of her choice.

 

2. What are the chances that she doesn't call again? I'd assume that each day that passes means the odds of her calling are less and less likely.

 

I would not sit by the phone waiting for her to call.

 

3. Is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a real excuse or was it just a selfish cop out?

 

She did not really owe you any explanations or excuses for breaking up with you. "Things do not work out" would have been sufficient on her part.

 

4. Why the weird stuff? Not talking to her mother or sister about it, the love note, not letting me see her?

 

She has the right to be as weird as she pleases. She is under no obligation to explain herself to anybody, her mother and sister included. She has no obligation to see you.

 

Break ups seldom happen out of the blue, dumpers normally give ample warnings with their behavior. That it came out of the blue to you means that you probably have misread her badly.

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Seriously? I'm trying to be open-minded but.....

 

I guess technically she has the right to do whatever she wants....we all do.

 

Does this "right" automatically excuse the absence of courtesy and respect?

 

I believe we do have obligations of decency to others especially those we are close with.

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Seriously? I'm trying to be open-minded but.....

 

I guess technically she has the right to do whatever she wants....we all do.

 

Does this "right" automatically excuse the absence of courtesy and respect?

 

I believe we do have obligations of decency to others especially those we are close with.

 

Courtesy is good but only your first question relates to courtesy. Questions 2-4 are about privacy, not courtesy.

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Seriously? I'm trying to be open-minded but.....

 

I guess technically she has the right to do whatever she wants....we all do.

 

Does this "right" automatically excuse the absence of courtesy and respect?

 

I believe we do have obligations of decency to others especially those we are close with.

 

 

dont blame ur gf. i know u are angry, i am as well, from the way my girlfrined handled it. but like i said in my previous post [refer to it in the first page], ur gf might not be strong enough to face the emotional hurt of seeing you after having made such a guilt-ridden and painful decision. she's hurting as well. well it might not be the best way to end a r/s, and to hide behind the phone telling you that might sound like a cop-out,but truth is she wants to protect herself from going through more emotional pain.

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but truth is she wants to protect herself from going through more emotional pain.

 

lol sooooo she's a selfish person then.

 

Thanks for all the advice from everyone but I think being a little angry at her is helping me through all of this. If she ever calls me again I'll be polite but I won't go out of my way to tell her that she should be guilt free from this.

 

Sahasupa,

 

I thought maybe you had a point until I went through your post history. Lol you definitely don't seem to stray far from the hard-ass truth hurts path. All the get over it, things won't change, she left you garbage that you spout is useful sometimes, but not all.

 

PS your topic on "Flipping the script on Dumpers" or whatever you call it is a contradiction of your advice on moving on. You devised an entire system in order to confuse a partner that has lost interest in you instead of "just moving on". You may be a sociopath who enjoys dishing out "reality" anonymously, but what do I know?

 

Thanks for responding though.

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