Another "should I respond to this email" question

[rapunzel]

I wasn't going to post about it but I decided I do need some advice here.

 

I feel like my ex has been flirting with me a bit lately, looking at me intently, including me on personal type emails, he even winked at me a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't done that in a LONG time. I know he's single as he's on the POF website. I know I shouldn't care...

 

My work PC had a virus so my band email account sent spam emails to a lot of people, including the band, with links to sites for Viagra, etc. So I sent out an apology with a blind copied email yesterday advising everyone to delete the spam.

 

He writes back immediately: "Oh, but I so enjoyed it..." with a smiley face and he has never, ever used a smiley face in an email. It seemed flirty, especially considering the content of the spam email.

 

Last night my ex also forwarded me an email exchange he had with a guy "Tim" who books one of our clubs...this guy is a big flirt, but not very smart and I have no interest in him....Tim's email is to tell ME specifically how much he liked hearing my voice. Tim comes to a lot of our shows with another (undesirable and annoying) guy who has become my stalker/groupie (and my ex knows all about it). My ex knows I have no interest in these guys.

 

So I have these two emails in one day and so far I haven't responded, and I just don't know if I should respond in a friendly way or just LET IT GO. I realize I am over-exaggerating and making more of this than what it is, but with recent developments I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I think with anyone else I would probably respond but with him, it feels like a weightier matter.

[sidehop]

Do you see anything happening with your ex or interested in getting back?

 

If not, let it go. You said he's on the POF website. I get this feeling if he's trying to get your attention and stringing you along while he's trying to do the same with other girls on the site.

[rapunzel]

Well....yes, I hate to admit that I still harbor fantasies that he will want me back but he would have to jump through flaming hoops in order for make it happen, and there has been no indication of that. Just looks, compliments, stares, emails like the one I'm describing...

 

It has been almost a year and a half since he ended things. I've gone on a handful of dates that have led nowhere, mostly due to lack of interest on my part. Will admit I haven't been super gung ho about dating (as online dating seems to be what I have to do), just hoping it would happen organically with someone else but it's hard to meet people, even being in a band that performs once a month. There is one guy that is a prospect, but he is healing from the end of a 7 year relationship and is moving very slowly. So I'm just moving on, living my life, being open....

 

I am on an online site and my ex's best friend wrote to me a couple of weeks ago, so I figure my ex probably knows about it.

 

I know my ex has had two short term relationships, 3-4 months, in the last 1.5 years and now he is single again. We see each other frequently as we are in this band together.

 

So while I want to maintain this "cordial" working relationship we have, I don't know how to respond to these kind of personal, flirty type emails...I think he may be toying with me a bit, even subconsciously, to see if I still "want" him. He knows I was WAY into him, and I think it's why it did not work - the relationship was imbalanced.

[sidehop]

The contact is probably confusing you. Don't beat up yourself because you ended up sleeping him last time. But the main concern for you is for your heart and soul to heal first so you can be just as strong by yourself but be open for a new 'healthy' relationship.

 

In that sense, you'll want to figure out what is best for you. Not when he wants to contact you or give you mixed signals giving you false hope. Otherwise he wouldn't be on a dating site or trying to meet you casually. He knows this just like you said. Don't make yourself available to him like some backup.

[rapunzel]

The contact is probably confusing you. Don't beat up yourself because you ended up sleeping him last time. But the main concern for you is for your heart and soul to heal first so you can be just as strong by yourself but be open for a new 'healthy' relationship.

 

In that sense, you'll want to figure out what is best for you. Not when he wants to contact you or give you mixed signals giving you false hope. Otherwise he wouldn't be on a dating site or trying to meet you casually. He knows this just like you said. Don't make yourself available to him like some backup.

 

Yeah, it's slightly confusing but he's probably doing it for an ego boost. Haven't slept with him in almost 1.5 years so I'm not sure what you mean by "beat yourself up". And yes, he is active on POF...I know as I was on that site and I hid my profile as I don't want to deal with him being on there. He is a guy, and it's spring, he's horny and he's probably just trying to maximize his possibilities. I know these emails, looks, compliments, etc. are just crumbs.

 

I just don't know how or IF I should respond to these emails....since we continue to work together. I don't want to be rude but I don't know if they require responses. I am tempted to flirt back but this is probably a bad move. So I don't think I will, I could just respond in a friendly way...or not at all.

[Batya33]

I think you have to snap that rubber band on your wrist every time you go there and think it means that there is any potential for a committed relationship with him. It begins and ends with e-mail flirtation and innunendo. That's it. He doesn't want a committed relationship with you - he might want sexual relations with you, he might want to flirt with you in person or hook up, maybe even go on a date now and again but that's not what you want and in fact that would make things worse for you than they are now, putting yourself out there again, right?

 

I wouldn't respond to e-mails that don't have a specific, band-related question that requires a response - I mean "requires" not "it would be nice to give input". If you respond and you guys go back and forth, you'll start to get your hopes up and read things into this that aren't there. If he had changed his mind and wanted a committed relationship with you he would want to make sure that you wouldn't be snapped up by someone else and you not responding to his silly e-mails would only motivate him more to step up to the plate and treat you like a special lady he wants to court.

[uhohlala]

I just don't know how or IF I should respond to these emails....since we continue to work together. I don't want to be rude but I don't know if they require responses. I am tempted to flirt back but this is probably a bad move. So I don't think I will, I could just respond in a friendly way...or not at all.

 

I say don't respond. The fact that you're devoting this much thought to a friendly reply that could have read as "snide and sarcastic" if not for the inclusion of a smiley emoticon at the end means you're not in a position to handle light, possibly flirtatious, but ultimately meaningless interaction with him. He's being friendly -- that's all there is to it. Smile, be gracious, but don't get sucked in (haha, you already are sucked in but don't allow it to escalate).

[rapunzel]

Thanks Batya, the voice of reason.

 

I think I will just let it go and not respond.

 

Lately I keep hearing from the other female singer in our group that every time we have a show some guy asks her if I have a boyfriend. And the drummer had some other guy inquiring about me after our big show last weekend. My ex may have caught wind of this since he works in another group with them.AND the high profile musician we played with at our big show invited me to come over and sit with him and his bandmates. My ex saw this and seemed a bit perturbed. AND he forwarded me that email from "Tim". So he knows that other guys are interested (it's too bad none of them appeal to me). But he still has not pursued me and I doubt he will "want" me until I'm completely over him and in another relationship.

[rapunzel]

I say don't respond. The fact that you're devoting this much thought to a friendly reply that could have read as "snide and sarcastic" if not for the inclusion of a smiley emoticon at the end means you're not in a position to handle light, possibly flirtatious, but ultimately meaningless interaction with him. He's being friendly -- that's all there is to it. Smile, be gracious, but don't get sucked in (haha, you already are sucked in but don't allow it to escalate).

 

Yeah, you are right. It is meaningless. I think because he is single he is just looking for an ego boost. He was dating a woman 15 years his junior, and what a surprise, it didn't work out and only lasted 3 months. I've talked to other guys about what happens to them in the spring when women are out wearing less clothing and how they lose their minds. My guess is he is in that state.

[uhohlala]

Yeah, you are right. It is meaningless. I think because he is single he is just looking for an ego boost. He was dating a woman 15 years his junior, and what a surprise, it didn't work out and only lasted 3 months. I've talked to other guys about what happens to them in the spring when women are out wearing less clothing and how they lose their minds. My guess is he is in that state.

 

Yeah, there's no need to be cold, muster as much gracious warmth as you can safely deploy without getting invested in his response to your response. It sounds like for you that will be the bare minimum -- e.g. "Thanks!" "Have a great weekend!" etc.

[rapunzel]

Well....I was not going to respond at all. I guess I could respond to the email he forwarded about "Tim"....

 

I don't know, is a non-response going to be considered "cold"? Maybe I'm just busy, my spam alert did not require a response from him, I got one...but do I have to respond?

 

Also, him letting me know that "Tim" (who is kind of an oaf, frankly) likes my voice - to respond iseems unnecessary somehow.

 

A few other people responded to my spam email alert with jokey responses, and I feel that normally I would respond in kind, with a jokey tone, just to be friendly. By ignoring him, I am treating him differently than I would anyone else.

 

I already responded to one of the guys who made a joke about SPAM, the lunchmeat, but his email was not "flirty".

[lavenderdove]

I'm going to be blunt here, sorry.

 

This guy has a pattern, and you've been burned by that pattern MANY times. He flits from woman to woman, and factors you in for a short fling whenever he's between women, because he KNOWS you're an easy touch, carrying a torch for him, and a boost for his ego.

 

He might be willing to give you another (short) roll in the hay, but you know how it ends. He just doesn't want a long term relationship with ANY woman or he wouldn't behave this way.

 

And you MUST treat him differently from anyone else, because he is like crack cocaine for you. You get a little taste of him, and you're off and running. And you're narrowing your options/choices with other men because you don't ever really put him to rest.

 

He will do this to you for 50 years if you let him. Honestly, your contact with him should be this: "if you want to seriously date me again with the intent of a permanent relationship then call me. otherwise it is best for me to move on and please don't contact me."

[uhohlala]

Well....I was not going to respond at all. I guess I could respond to the email he forwarded about "Tim"....

 

I don't know, is a non-response going to be considered "cold"? Maybe I'm just busy, my spam alert did not require a response from him, I got one...but do I have to respond?

 

Also, him letting me know that "Tim" (who is kind of an oaf, frankly) likes my voice - to respond iseems unnecessary somehow.

 

A few other people responded to my spam email alert with jokey responses, and I feel that normally I would respond in kind, with a jokey tone, just to be friendly. By ignoring him, I am treating him differently than I would anyone else.

 

I already responded to one of the guys who made a joke about SPAM, the lunchmeat, but his email was not "flirty".

 

You don't need to respond -- I meant going forward. He's trying to be friendly with you and will probably continue to do so in the short-term, at least. I was just suggesting that overall your attitude towards him should be as warm and gracious as you can manage without getting further mired in wondering, hoping, etc.

[rapunzel]

No need to apologize, you are right.

 

I can't say what you suggested to him because I work with him, and it's a music group, it's not an office where I can hide in my cubicle, or get transferred to another department. If he wasn't a part of my life, I would have disappeared without a trace long ago. I am not a glutton for punishment although I realize it may appear that way.

 

It also might appear that I'm narrowing my choices with other men - I'm not. I am very open to meeting someone else. The guys who come to our shows and hang around trying to talk to me are: trust me, really undesirable. I am alone, and I can be alone until I find someone that I WANT to spend time with. Most of my single women friends near my age (48) agree - it's REALLY hard to find someone you click with, who is healthy, in good shape, has their act together, etc.

 

So I guess I'll just stick with my plan, to not respond to his emails. There really is no need to, actually.

[rapunzel]

You don't need to respond -- I meant going forward. He's trying to be friendly with you and will probably continue to do so in the short-term, at least. I was just suggesting that overall your attitude towards him should be as warm and gracious as you can manage without getting further mired in wondering, hoping, etc.

 

Thanks, this is what I've been doing. I chose to stay in the group and not let his romantic rejection of me force me to leave. It's been tough, without a doubt and I was foolish to get involved with him but hey, I'm human and we all make mistakes and we are all looking for love.

 

I don't go out of my way to talk to him or be around him but when he is around me, I am myself as much as possible. He probably still feels some distance and awkwardness but I don't stare at him, or try to talk to him, or make any initiative at all as I really don't want him to think I'm carrying a torch. How could he "know" that?

[lavenderdove]

But you're not really giving other men a chance because he is still front and center and you're hoping for something from him...

 

If you choose to stay in the group that is your choice, but you could minimize contact with him, including any emails that are strictly not group related.

 

So yes, the right answer is don't respond to anything he sends, unless it is a direct answer to a question related to the group.