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This morning I get to work , and I email my bf "hey honey i was thinkin of you blah blah i love you blah" real short and cute so since for the passed weeks or so our communication during the day had deminish, i just thought it would be sweet...well yeah it would have been nice if he replied but he didnt. it goes straight to his blackberry so I know he got it..thing is that a few minutes after I sent it, he posted something on his fb saying "ppl are crazy" and never even texted me or aknowledged the fact that I sent him a sweet email. he hasnt even spoke to me at all today...idk how I should act when I get home. Im afraid of saying anything bc he'll say Im causing unnecessary drama..

 

 

(we've been together for almost 2yrs and living together for one)

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Trust me, I lose a good 20% of my emails sent to my iPhone. Or they're often severely lagged. It's possible he hasn't even gotten it yet.

 

Did you do it because you wanted to do something nice? Or did you do something because you wanted validation that you did something nice?

 

There's a huge difference in intent.

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If he knows you expect him to reply, he won't want to. Don't do things because you expect something in return. That makes you appear needy and unconfident, needing reinforcement. Do you do that? Best to stop it.

 

That said, what are you doing to keep your relationship fresh? They do require work. You're at the stage (2 years) where the chemicals that kept you hopping are pretty much gone, and what's left is either a healthy relationship or one based on sex. And that gets old too, if you aren't keeping the relationship healthy. Do new things, go on dates, talk about things he's interested in, don't take him for granted. Find out his Emotional Needs and make sure you're meeting them (go to link removed to learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs).

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90% bc of validation...im really insecure and hes recently found out that I had snooped on him..but I thought we were passed that...i feel he's up and down up and down lately...so...

 

when we argued about the snooping thing (just reading something he posted ontwitter and he thought I didnt have an acct bc i said i didnt) he told me that I make the relationship bad because I worry about what hes doing all the time, that he wanted me to fall back and that if he doesnt text me i hurry and ask him why and think something is wrong when there isnt.....

 

i think im gonna blow it

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90% bc of validation...im really insecure and hes recently found out that I had snooped on him..but I thought we were passed that...i feel he's up and down up and down lately...so...

 

Yikes. I'd be up and down too if I was around a needy person who felt entitled to go through my things.

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Yikes. I'd be up and down too if I was around a needy person who felt entitled to go through my things.

 

I understand so completely. but I just want to know why he's doin this? Im afraid that my insecurities have turned into reality and that now hes doing the things he always said he wasnt and if so, I cant blame anyone but MYSELF for being so psycho....i just wish I could understand bc lately when we go all day without talkin he'll come home and just be extremely sweet like sunday, he came home and literally told me "idc what we watch or what we do, I just want to be here with you" then yesterday when he came home he was really normal as well....MAYBE ITS JUST ME AND MY INSECURITIES

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I understand so completely. but I just want to know why he's doin this? Im afraid that my insecurities have turned into reality and that now hes doing the things he always said he wasnt and if so, I cant blame anyone but MYSELF for being so psycho....i just wish I could understand bc lately when we go all day without talkin he'll come home and just be extremely sweet like sunday, he came home and literally told me "idc what we watch or what we do, I just want to be here with you" then yesterday when he came home he was really normal as well....MAYBE ITS JUST ME AND MY INSECURITIES

 

Take off the maybe and you'll be right. If you want him to WANT to interact with you in a good way, you have to stop testing him. Stop snooping. Stop being needy.

 

People want to be with equals. Independent, strong people who can stand on their own. You're coming accross almost as a broken-woman here, and I don't know why you'd be that way?

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I dont think that you should feel stupid but realize that he is either going to respond or he wont. I think that you are placing too much emphasis on him responding to something sweet that you did. The search for that acknowledgment is what is causing you to feel stupid.

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Take off the maybe and you'll be right. If you want him to WANT to interact with you in a good way, you have to stop testing him. Stop snooping. Stop being needy.

 

People want to be with equals. Independent, strong people who can stand on their own. You're coming accross almost as a broken-woman here, and I don't know why you'd be that way?

 

 

broken? father was a serial cheater, children outside of wedlock,left us for women (younger, older, short, round) school friends would tell me they would see my dad making out with women, and he would deny it to my face (mom would make me ask him) i didnt kno the severity of his 17yrs of cheating until I got older and since then I've trusted no one.. on top of the fact that my ex used to cheat on me as well...Im not making excuses for my actions but my bf knows all these issues hes weve talked about it, ive cried about it..but i cant seem to change

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broken? father was a serial cheater, children outside of wedlock,left us for women (younger, older, short, round) school friends would tell me they would see my dad making out with women, and he would deny it to my face (mom would make me ask him) i didnt kno the severity of his 17yrs of cheating until I got older and since then I've trusted no one.. on top of the fact that my ex used to cheat on me as well...Im not making excuses for my actions but my bf knows all these issues hes weve talked about it, ive cried about it..but i cant seem to change

 

Okay, I understand all of those things happened. And that sucks.

 

How much of it was your bf's fault?

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NONE ... and I know that...but what can I do to fix it ? or is too late? thats what Im afraid off that now hes being distant and not talkin to me throughout the day means that its over...?! he acts otherwise but with men you never know..right?!

 

The harder you try to CONTROL the situation to keep him there, the faster he's going to bounce. You need to just relax. You need to be yourself. You need to remember that you have a person who cares for you, and you need to do your part to properly care for him. And that doesn't involve being a terrifying insecure, paranoid control freak. No one wants to be around that.

 

Remember, no matter what you do, if he wants to leave, he will leave. But you should at least give yourself and your relationship every opportunity to succeed by just letting go, relaxing and just... enjoying yourself. It really can be that simple.

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thanks so much.. i still feel bad bc he hasnt said anything to me all day. but im not going to break as usual and accuse him of something being wrong...i wont be home until later tonight and we'll see what it will be like..

 

I think that's a great idea. Keep us posted, okay?

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broken? father was a serial cheater, children outside of wedlock,left us for women (younger, older, short, round) school friends would tell me they would see my dad making out with women, and he would deny it to my face (mom would make me ask him) i didnt kno the severity of his 17yrs of cheating until I got older and since then I've trusted no one.. on top of the fact that my ex used to cheat on me as well...Im not making excuses for my actions but my bf knows all these issues hes weve talked about it, ive cried about it..but i cant seem to change

 

So how much therapy have you gone to, to learn how to love and trust yourself?

 

Until you do that, you will continue to sabotage all your relationships because you feel - because of your dad - that that is all you deserve.

 

Your bf is trying to obliquely tell you to back off.

 

If you don't start learning to like yourself and stop being so needy, he will just tell you to your face.

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I know when my bf sends me an email it takes forever for him to get a reply because I just always forget to check it. Maybe he just didn't remember to check his messages today.

 

Also, if you are so insecure and alway in need of validation, take it from someone who's done it, it will destroy your relationship. Sit down and talk with him. Find out where the relationship is going, and if you're both on the same page, just leave it alone. If your not, then the relationship just wasn't meant to be.

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If he got the email, he should have acknowledged it imo. Even a "thanks babe" or something if he was busy. You sent him a warm loving message and he ignored it. I would never do that to a girl I was dating!

 

I agree- there should be some sort of acknowledgment, even if it is later on in the day- over dinner or while trying to fall asleep : "i got your email earlier- it was sweet/cute/thoughtful/nice etc"

 

Just as a heads-up, the week we broke up I had left for work before he did... so I thought it would be sweet to put an "I Love You- Have a Great Day!" note under his windshield wiper.

 

Suffice it to say, that went unacknowledged.

 

My point is... maybe you are correct in your instinct- feeling he is pulling away. And at this point, they stop appreciating things that we do for them... they go unnoticed/unvalidated etc. We can do no right... and everything we do is misconstrued. Often times, this is the beginning of the end.

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So I messaged him before I went to class yest. asking "what are you doing?" he gave me a friendly reply we chatted for a few seconds about something (still didnt mention the email), he told me that he was going out with his friends that night..and all i said was "ok have fun" when he got home I was asleep but he got in bed and was kissing me and cuddling with me. which I thought was sweet, he woke me up and we sorta chatted about where he went and who was there...it seemed all normal. But for some reason I fear changes, I fear he doesnt feel the same about me bc..why would he not reply to my email???

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So I messaged him before I went to class yest. asking "what are you doing?" he gave me a friendly reply we chatted for a few seconds about something (still didnt mention the email), he told me that he was going out with his friends that night..and all i said was "ok have fun" when he got home I was asleep but he got in bed and was kissing me and cuddling with me. which I thought was sweet, he woke me up and we sorta chatted about where he went and who was there...it seemed all normal. But for some reason I fear changes, I fear he doesnt feel the same about me bc..why would he not reply to my email???

 

 

Good. Just remember that.

 

He didn't reply to your text, because not every text or e-mail needs a response. Sometimes my girl will text me something like, "I miss you, can't wait to see you tonight!!" And I smile, and then go about my way. I'll usually text her something completely different later.

 

Or sometimes I'll text her, "Hey, just thinkin of you right now. Hope your day is going well, see ya tonight!" And she'll respond 3 hours later talking about one of her classes.

 

You don't always have to respond to a love-dovey message. Sometimes the silence says it all. Send those things because you want to make your partner feel good, not because you're looking for a response to make yourself feel good. Are you sending those messages for you or him?

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Good. Just remember that.

 

He didn't reply to your text, because not every text or e-mail needs a response. Sometimes my girl will text me something like, "I miss you, can't wait to see you tonight!!" And I smile, and then go about my way. I'll usually text her something completely different later.

 

Or sometimes I'll text her, "Hey, just thinkin of you right now. Hope your day is going well, see ya tonight!" And she'll respond 3 hours later talking about one of her classes.

 

You don't always have to respond to a love-dovey message. Sometimes the silence says it all. Send those things because you want to make your partner feel good, not because you're looking for a response to make yourself feel good. Are you sending those messages for you or him?

 

 

i say that MOST of the time im sending them its for ME, to see his response..its taking me time to get used to not having CONSTANT contact when were apart...i fight with thoughts of why isnt he talkin to me who is he talkin to(insecurities) bc we used to text ALL day long up to time when I was gettin off work and gettin ready to see him...

 

I just want things to be good.....

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Then learn to pull back. I can't think of many men who like having to stay in constant contact with their girl. Honestly, it's the distance that helps you enjoy each other. Let that work for you.

 

Look at yourself. You've admitted many times over here that you're just doing these things for self-therapy, not for HIM. Don't you think HE knows that? You look weak, insecure, needy, and whiny. What guy is going to think that's a good thing?

 

The more you do it, the sooner he will end it with you.

 

Spend your time going to a psychologist to learn to like yourself and to get through your daddy issues, so that you don't bring all that down on your bf. He doesn't deserve it, and he won't put up with it for long.

 

Find some things that you like to do, and go DO them! You need to have your own life. The only guy who wants a girl to wrap her whole life around him is a guy who's just as insecure and needy as the girl - and that's not healthy, either. You should be going out with your friends, having hobbies, doing sports, whatever.

 

You already sense he's pulling away, and we're telling you why. Stop depending on him for your self-worth.

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