Ok.. Just thinking out loud

[craigblitz]

What in the hell am I doing. Sometimes I can be so stupid. You know instead of beinf frustrated when she does this or this just break it off Craig. Here is what I am thinking and all opinions are welcome. I am at the point where I am not mad or upset with her and I have told her everything I need to say. I am thinking the next time she calls I am going to tell her to stop. For whatever reasons you have you have told me I am not good enough to be in your life and you do not want me. On the flip side I have told you I am not willing to just be your friend. Until something changes please just leave me and Dylan alone. We both love you but that is not what you want so let us heal.... I think this is for the best because forget all this I am confused yadda yadda BS. I am sorry it is simple you either love me or you don't. If you don't then leave me be, if you do then lets address the issues and see what we have.

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Craig,

 

I agree with D346. I think she is teetering on crossing the line. I don't think she is doing it on purpose, but I DO think she has been able to avoid dealing with the true consequences of her actions.

 

I think that the next time you do SPEAK (not text) with her, you should let her know that you haven't taken a step back from your original stance: ie, you are NOT going to be friends with her, so she needs to decide what it is she wants from you. The choices are a) boyfriend and POTENTIAL partner and b) nothing (or former acquaintance if you want to be nice).

 

I still think this will work out... but right now she is confused and is grasping at something (her relationship with you) that is no longer there.

 

Mind you... it might be most effective if you just resign yourself NEVER to answer her texts, and only answer or return 50% of her phonecalls (at the most). In fact I'd screen every call, and only return the ones that are legit calls... no responding to "oh I hate bridal showers" or "save a cowboy" BS.

 

I'm also very sorry to hear about your loss of a friend. Kudos to you for helping to support his mother. You have a big heart.

 

As for me... no updates since I sent my apology letter last Monday. It was pretty heavy on my feelings, so it will take her a good amount of time to absorb I'm sure. She was only just getting to the point where she could see the things she'd done wrong that hurt me, so my letter might be a shock to the system. It wasn't angry in its tone, but it didn't sugarcoat how I was feeling about things.

 

My EXGF went to her first counselling session with a new counsellor last week. Even if she feels comfortable talking to this one, I don't expect to hear from her for a few weeks.

 

I had a down night on Friday, but managed to get rid of some pent up sadness... it always helps.

 

The thing is... as time passes, I've started feeling badly for her. I think she has made a big mistake... not in the "she lost out on a great guy" meaning of that phrase.... more just that I REALLY DO feel that I was HER soulmate... that I was perhaps the one person that could really understand her fully. It seems really unfortunate that she lacked the tools required to fully trust in my love, and that it eventually led "us" to ruin.

 

A mutual female friend of ours said this to me, and I almost believe it... that I will be the one to recover from this healthy... and that EXGF may never get over it.

 

I have to guard against my nurturing instinct kicking in here.

[craigblitz]

Same junk different day, except had a totally hot waitress ask me out tonight while I was there with my boys... score one for the good guys

 

Anywho, she text later in the afternoon yesterday and said I am glad you are ok I was worried. I get off at 8 tonight if you would like to talk.

 

Well I did I did not call, I was out with some friends just chilling and having a good time. One of the few times I have been out and did not even think of her or mention her. That was a great thing.

 

About 10:30 she calls and I do not answer (it was tough but I am going take your advice S&D). Her voice mail was a little strange, she wasn't being pissy per se but she was like it figures you don't answer you phone, I was just checking to see if the friend who passed away was so and so but you don't answer, well yeah anyway I guess I will see you later or something.

 

After hearing the message I was thinking hey that is cool she just wants to see who it was that passed. I was going to call back, but then I thought why does she need to know. The second she broke up with me she lost her all access pass to my life. So I refrained and went to bed.

 

With all this contact there has to be something there. Again, I initiate 0%. Hell she doesn't contact her own friends that much. That is why I struggle with NC I need to find the right balance between being open and not letting her get into the friend zone. I am betting dollars to nickles to anyone she will ask me out this weekend sometime. If there is a good time we can meet I will meet her and tell her again that I am not looking for friendship with her and see what happeneds.

 

Anyway, I hope everyone is well and is healing.... Thanks for all the reads and replies.

[shockeddismayed]

Craig,

 

You are doing great...

 

Give it to the weekend to answer a call. Even then I'd be a bit short.

 

She'll start to figure this out pretty soon... then panic.... then examining her feelings... then decisive action one way or the other.

 

If you can keep this up, I'd bet on 3 weeks.

 

Be yourself when you speak to her... friendly and caring, but not a pushover. If she gets pissy, just say very politely "I don't understand why you are angry... I thought you wanted to be free of me?"

 

She'll respond "yes, but I wanted to be friends". To which you reply "given that this breakup was not a mutual decision, it just doesn't seem realistic that we are friends".

 

She'll know she is expecting the impossible, and it will (hopefullly) remind her that the person you feel THIS strongly about is supposed to be your life partner... not your "friend".

 

Keep going Craig!

[craigblitz]

Thanks shocked, I have learned so much from you it is not even funny. I figure the best way to remain patient is not to consume myself by thinking of her all the time. I have to be honest and say I am finally having a good time without her. I have become re-aqauinted with some old friends, met new ones and realize there is a whole great world that I can see with or without her. Seriously I can not stress the importance of the lesson of patience you have taught me.

 

Anyway update... 20,000 No real contact from her last night. I had an away message up and she text and said hi... I really didn't feel like talking so I let it go. Shen then later sent me a link for some bedroom stuff for Dylan. After she signed off I checked it out. She signed back on the second I did, so I said thanks for the link have a good one and signed off.

 

I was on my deck and I heard her trying to send some messages so I text her and said sorry I missed you online thanks for the link night. She replied back that she loved the bedroom stuff and Dylan would love it. And her sisters b/f from the Army is coming home and is excited as all hell (don't know why she needs to tell me this). I think that bothers her that her sister can be with someome who is gone. I think that is one of the issues she has with me right now because I am only home on weekends. She then ask how we were doing with the death of my buddy. I replied back everyone is fine. And that was that.

 

So nothing really to report. I am staying offline because that provides a too easy was for her to talk to me. If she wants to talk she should call. I am going to wait till the weekend to talk with her again, but I do not think I have time to see her. I am going to be home all next week so I am sure I will see her at some point.

[tristesse]

Craig,

It's just like we predicted it !!! This is crazy… Keep it up, I am so proud of you! Who's running now? Who's chasing who now?

Have a great day and see you online later – hopefully……

[craigblitz]

We talked about this... this is far from chasing me I think. Hell it ould just be missing me, habit, etc etc...... Whatever... time will tell all stories.

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Craig...

 

Not a bad night by any stretch....

 

However... I'd STOP ENTIRELY with the texts and the MSN. It is impersonal, and allows her to TEST whether you are truly moving on.

 

Every time you reply it gives her the security (perhaps false) that you are waiting around. I know you think you are being polite... but that is not how I would interpret it if I were her... I'd be saying to myself "oh my gosh, what have I done? I better text him to let him know I care." Then when you respond my reaction would be "thank God, he still cares about me... I have time to sort this out".

 

I'm not trying to say I'd date you... you aren't my type

 

I am trying to say that you are still making it too easy on her. Imagine... she KNOWS your phone number... and yet by taking her texts and MSN, you are making it EVEN EASIER than picking up the telephone.

 

She doesn't even have to speak to you or have the courage to call in order to get a response.

 

Sorry to sound hard... but I just don't think this type of thing will force her to come to her senses. I had FAR less contact with my EX, and yet still got exhausted in her emotional rollercoaster.

 

The issue of patience: If you haven't even gone more than 3-4 days without contact... how much patience is that? How much panic can set in for her in 3-4 days?

 

Instead, I'd force her to call. This allows her to hear your tender voice.. it allows her to feel your warmth... and then you can still cut the conversation short... these short positive contacts are worth 1000 texts. Don't answer every call... don't even respond to every one... keep it infrequent (like weekly at MOST). This will help her see her true feelings.

 

Just some food for thought.

[tristesse]

she's right Craig.....

[craigblitz]

Yes he is right and I know you are as well..... Do you guys ever get tired of telling me the same thing!!! The one positive is I have not contacted her a single time for a long long time. She is contacting me everyday... and it does make sense... she knows if I am answering he is still there... Even though he might be dating and what not he is still there per se. Also to be fair I do not answer all her calls or texts in fact I would say it is 60 yes 40 no but that is still way enough to keep her from deciding one way or the other... Ok scouts honor... no matter how hard it might be she will not heat a peep of a reply from me until at least Saturday, and then after for another 5 hopefully I can hold out 7 days.....

 

 

[shockeddismayed]

thata boy!

 

Jeepers... I guess I should keep my little jokes to myself. I think I confused Tristesse regarding my sex. hehhehehehe

 

No worries Tristesse. I won't take it personally.

 

PS: Craig... if you need incentive. If you can go for 9 days, answer one call... apologize for being busy... work is getting nuts and you needed to unwind with the guys and play sports... take Dylan to practice, etc. Then allow yourself a nice chat.... keep it light... very light. Avoid all relationship chat.

 

Then go for another 7 days.... then YOU can call HER and ask to meet up for a coffee (your reward).

 

How's that. Enough to keep you on the wagon?

[craigblitz]

Hhahah.. Sound good.... 1 night down. It was made easy since she did not contact me. But at the same time I was not online either

 

I read a couple of your post S&D last night... rare form I see....lol

[craigblitz]

yeah f me......

 

First text... My friend Alexis said thank you for the high chair her sons loves it.......... My response.... nothing

 

12:30 tonight..... Are you upset with me? I hope you are notmad at me but you don't seem to want to talk to me ever!! hope everything is cool...

 

My reply nothing...... God i want to be like f you you stupid b leave me alone for no reason... and everything is cool... r u f ing kidding me// f off

 

ok people step up what the hell is up??? should i reply... do nothing.... help please wtf is she thinking??

 

my take she wants to be frineds, but i told her no way or she wants me to wait till she knows what she she wants... again f no...

 

Please someone give me some input

 

S&D NO RESPONSE,,,, I am trusting you

[craigblitz]

Man this forum has been so good to vent.... Thank god I did not respond to her last night. I was having a great night then I got that message and bam like a wall I just got ticked off??? Hope everything is cool..... Ahhhhh

 

I am serious, I need to do something. She has to give me some type of clue as to where she is at or what she wants from me. I know she is the only who knows that, and I have to ask her but ughhh, I just don''t even want to go through all this I am confused junk again. I hear ya yelling at me already S&D patience.

 

I just did reply to that text, because there is no reson for her to think I am upset at her (I know I lost my bandwagon privledge, but in my heart it was the right thing to do). I wrote "Not sure what you mean????" Upset? Nope. Then I let it rest... 2 seconds later she replies........ OK.

 

I thought that was a vauge response, but I also think maybe she is at work, but I am not sure and will not drive myself crazy thinking about it. Maybe she was mad it took all night for me to reply. Who knows. I hope she ask me out this weekend because I really do need to let her know that I am not upset, but just doing what she wanted and break-up from her live. As you said S&D this was not mutual so how is the friend thing going to work.

 

Maybe I am assuming too much, but I think she is missing me to some degree and is feeling me move on without her. Push come to shove I do not want to live without her, but have accepted the fact that if I have to I can and I am trying. I don't know if she even thinks she is doing it but it is like she is wants me to hang around till she sorts some things out, but again I have no indication at ALL what is going through her head... None. Didn't at the break-up don't now.... Ugghhhh

 

Ok well last day at the client site.... I have to say bye to some peeps and pack up. This is going to be the first time at home for an extended time since the break-up. I wonder how that is going to go.. We will see

[shockeddismayed]

Craig...

 

You are doing the right thing!

 

The text was vague enough... but don't make it a habit.

 

Until she OFFERS you something... you owe her NOTHING... NADA.... ZIP!

 

All that you owe her at this point is that she feels the reality of this situation. You've told her no to friends. You have every right to that. She has told you no (for the moment) to a relationship.

 

Until she is willing to try I say leave it be.

 

Remember... you need this time for you... you need this time to heal... you need this time so that IF things are going to work out, you will have the energy to be patient.

 

You are like me..... you are a giver of energy. She seems (at the moment) like a taker. Let the roles reverse for a while... absorb some of her efforts... take some comfort that she continues to call without ANY effort on your part... then, when you are ready, be willing to give a little back.

 

Remember though... you've only just started this new strategy... you need to let it ride for a little while longer. Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

When she is mad enough that she needs the talk, you will know. For now you've calmed her down for a few days.... the next messages (say by Sunday) will be asking you flat out why you aren't speaking to her.

 

At that point you say... let's meet up for coffee. And you calmly explain to her that you need to move on... you care a great deal for her, but she chose that you be broken up. You are just trying to honour her wishes.

 

OR (if you are willing to give more, and live in a bit more limbo)

 

You just invite her out for coffee... tell her you aren't upset... avoid all relationship chat, and just have a good time. Cut in short and then go back to strict NC.

 

PS: It is VERY good you didn't contact her last night... you have a lot of resentment built up.... read my posts around the middle of June... remember how it all built up and spilled out on June 30th? You are in the same place.... find a healthy outlet, and avoid as much contact as possible until you are at peace again.

 

Seriously.... even if you feel good today, I don't think you should be going out with her... any little thing she says could set you off.... but be your own best counsel. You know yourself.

[Fletch F. Fletch]

Craig,

 

I do not know your full story, but I have gleeded from recent posts that the exgf has said "no" to a relationship, and you have responded by saying "no" to being "just friends." I assume you have already told her that you would not like to have contact with her, in order to have time to heal, and now she is not respecting your space. Ultimately, however, you do want her back. I hope I am somewhat close on this summary.

 

 

Right now, you need to take care of yourself and heal. I think you know what needs to be done in this regard. Even if a reconnection is to happen in the future you need to be stabilized, as does she. I think you are doing the right thing by not responding to e-mails and IMs (I hate those BTW because it is a piss-ant way of communicating. I say have balls and pick up the phone... but I digress). Anyway, I would say to let a full week go by of not responding to ANY of her communications. If she is still trying to contact you after a week, then I suggest a phone call with a message similar to what S&D suggested, "I care for you, but we each need our space right now to settle down. I respect your desire to break the relationship, please respect my need for space and not talk to you." Leave it at that. She needs to feel the full extent of losing you. You dont want her back right now anyway, because she is being needy and clingy. That does not make for a healthy relationship. The relationship has suffered a trauma that you both need to heal from separately. In time, a reconnection is possible, once the emotions have stabilized (then you will have the fun that S&D and I have been encountering).

 

Recognize, as I'm sure you have, that over the next week, the resentment in you will build with each communication she sends your way. RESIST reacting directly to her. Vent to your friends, vent to this board, vent to God, and the old lady down the street. You want to be calm and cool when you have to call her to say "please stop contacting me." You might suggest to her that you not talk for 1 month. That is long enough for you to heal more, and short enough for her to look forward to. She'll probably call before hand anyway, but sets some parameters.

 

Good Luck.

[craigblitz]

Update:

 

She left a text asking if I wanted t meet after she got off work. I left a text and said no I am out. She called when she got off and asked if I was sure and I said I was. She then called again and left amessage well you must be having fun I will talk to you later.

 

Her away message today was I don't inderstand????

 

Saturday she calls and said just trying to touch base with you call me back if you want. I was with a freidn but I called her back and said phone tag have a good one. I want to sit with her and tell her that I am not ready to be friends so we will see. I will most likley hear from her sooner then later.

[d346]

hmmmn....

 

Craig, maybe this is your cue to tell her that you are respecting her space, and are not interested in being friends. (I think S&D said it best, I don't remember the quotation)

 

I think "I don't understand" is your cue!

[shockeddismayed]

Craig,

 

Don't worry about it Craig.

 

You handled yourself very well. I am not sure how I would have reacted to the other guy stuff....

 

But just for the record... I think the biggest reason why you have to make things hard on her is so that the next time she decides to ask you out, she'll have had to ask a few times and tell you WHY before you decide to accept or not..... it can be terribly discouraging to go out and not be sure what her intentions are....

 

And trust me, that uncertainty can be difficult to deal with when you are in the moment.... but good for you... you kept your wits about you.

 

On a positive side, the fact that she saw you can only work in your favour... and the fact that you were aloof and showed her that you are not waiting around for her to hug you or whatever will make an impact.

 

Let it be now for a little while.

 

S&D

[craigblitz]

I think it is time to close this chapter out... Since I am doing NC for a good amount of time I am going to write my final thoughts and let this settle for a while.

 

As much as it hurts and it is coming at the price of me having a broken heart, she is out experiencing life. I think in a way it would be selfish of me not to allow her to do this. I mean I have had my party years and drunken nights and everything else, why shouldn't she. She seen me taking this new job where I will be gone most of the week, and she was feeling like she was missing out on things, so I am happy she is seeing what is out there. As most of us know through experience bars, clubs and stuff are not places you usually meet people you fall in love with. I think she will find this out the hard way, I just pray to God everynight that she does not get hurt too bad in the meantime.

 

I am 100% positive she still loves me. I am not saying we will be together, but I know she still cares. If she didn't she wouldn't go out of her way to contact me almost everyday, and every weekend I am home she wants to see me at least once. I am sorry even as "friends" you do not do that. You do not cry when you drive past the spot we break up. You do not drive by my house every night and blow me a kiss and say hi(she said she does this).

 

I have learned that is a lot more to life then I realize. The thing I find hard about this break-up is that I am at the point in my life where I want to share all these things with someone, but she is at the point where she is discovering what she might want to share later. It sucks but it is the classic of 2 people falling in love at the wrong time. I know I can live without and I will, but it does hurt because I truly love her with every fiber in my body.

 

I truly wish her all the happiness in the world and she finds what she is looking for. All I know is I am letting go of this relationship KNOWING that I put 100% effort in it and acted all the time out of Love for her. There is no way she can forget that, and as she goes out and dates or whatever, I hope I have raised that bar for her a little to what she is willing to settle for. So here is to one of the most used sayings ever..... If it is true love set it free, if it come back it was meant to be. Something like that but you all get the idea.

[Mun]

I know from personal experience that " raising the bar" is exactly what happens when you date a great guy. Everyone else who comes after him is compared to him ( even when we don't want to do that). It's part of growing and maturing in relationships. We find out what we will and will not put up with. How we expect to be treated. Who loves us and who doesn't.

 

Craig I hope that good things come your way, they should.