why is does he committ to someone else so quickly after you stood by for years?

[ladydayblues]

Found this discussion and it might be of interest to some of you who feel like you've invested a lot of time in a guy only to have him break up with you and immediately give the commitment you always wanted from him to the next girl he dates.

 

link removed

 

My ex hasn't done that yet but I felt like I emotionally supported him for 3 years during a transitional time where he was in school and trying to get a job and financially stable. I stood by him throughout all this and took his excuse that he didn't want to commit to me because of these things. I played the part of the martyr and wanted him to do well in life so I didn't force him into commitment, but hoped that he would realize that by standing by I really cared. I hoped that he would finally commit to me once he got his stuff together. He cut that short by breaking up with me and immediately went after someone else. I suppose the waiting and standing by wore me down into someone he didn't want to be with in the long run. I know that once all of those things come together for him, he's probably going to marry the first girl he goes out with. He even said so when I asked him about what he was planning on doing once he becomes financially stable - "Find someone and get married as soon as possible." I truly hoped it would be me. But no. I only hope that by the time he gets married I will be over him enough not to care... or even better, with someone who better suits me.

[H20]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just about to post a thread about this very thing!!!

Simon Cowell from American Idol did this to his last ex.They dated SIX years, she broke up with him because he did not want marriage and kids.....just a few months ago it was announced he is enagaged to the makeup artist there and he wants to get married 'sooner than later AND wants kids. Go figure.

 

I agree with you that women who 'wait' for these guys are only becoming more bitter and jaded.I recently found an ex on Facebook who got married last year, after a rocky

relationship with me.It truly crumbles your self esteem when this stuff happens and makes you wonder why wasn't I good enough????????And why did you waste years of my time when you KNEW you were never going to marry me??

 

I'd like to hear some guys POV on this!

And why they can't just be honest wish us.

And maybe what a woman should do if she IS in doubt about the

guys intentions.

[AlphaFemme]

I agree, this is hurtful... but I think it's actually a blessing. Think about it: if someone doesn't want to mary you, then they aren't the right one. What if they did marry you to avoid losing the relationship-- even though they didn't want to. My friend K did this with his gf of 6 years because she gave him an ultimatum. Within 4 months of the wedding, he was cheating (something he hadn't done before) and looking for a way out.

 

I wake up every morning, stretch accross my comfy bed, and thank god my ex didn't marry me. I pity the poor b@stard she did settle with/for.

[jazzbarrett]

my mom sent me an article about this very thing. it is because we are the women that make them realize they want more from life. so when things fall apart with us, they have already been "broken in" to commitment. we are what the article considers "lid breakers." in the sense that the men are jars who are completely shut and through our devotion and loyalty, we are able to crack open the jar that these men are and have them realize that they do want that life. the only problem is that they weren't ready to do it with us and screwed it up royally. so the next girls are the lucky ones that get to benefit from all of our work.

[honey2028]

my situation didn't have much to do with him committing to someone else because he didn't marry her BUT after we were together for 7 yrs and had 4 children together, he decided to go off and have another child with a girl he only new for 8 months. Now i tried to move on and date after almost 2 yrs since the breakup. But i still love him. The breakup i feel was my fault in a way not all because we were young and we didn't know any better. I didn't cheat. Just other issues, family. I just feel lost and depressed im trying to be happy for my kids but there is a void and no one else seems to fill it. i am forgiving mainly for my children and because i am positive that i just want to be happy i refuse to dwell on the past with him if something does happen between us again. we get along. So its a calm relationship now as far as being separated parents of 4 children. He just has an issue with holding grudges he refuse to let go of the past he states it motivates him in a positive way to keep moving forward. How can anger you hold onto for so long become a positive motivational factor?

[thejigsup]

I had the love of my life do this, but he loved her more than me, so I understood and was happy for him. That is what love is all about. This was years ago and we are friends now and I love him THAT way now.

[icarus27]

my mom sent me an article about this very thing. it is because we are the women that make them realize they want more from life. so when things fall apart with us, they have already been "broken in" to commitment. we are what the article considers "lid breakers." in the sense that the men are jars who are completely shut and through our devotion and loyalty, we are able to crack open the jar that these men are and have them realize that they do want that life. the only problem is that they weren't ready to do it with us and screwed it up royally. so the next girls are the lucky ones that get to benefit from all of our work.

 

As a man, I'd like to say that I have been in this kind of situation - with a woman being the one wasted my time, and then went with someone else.

 

I totally agree with the "lid breaker" idea.

 

I am surprised by how many people these days say to the dumpee, "just get over it", "he had a right to change his mind", etc etc. For me, this does not take account of the howling injustice that has just been done to someone who showed all the care and understanding possible - then was simply cast aside when the next shiny thing comes along.

 

It is completely natural that when this kind of event happens, it does a number on our self-esteem, our faith in relationships. Not to mention the bitterness that we are left with. We have to somehow re-establish faith, but it is very hard to do.

 

On this forum, I have noticed that people do not understand the hurt that comes from this kind of situation, unless they have lived it themselves.

[blossom88]

It hurts a lot to be a lid breaker, stop gap etc.. and i'd empathize with anyone that has to go through this, it hurts like hell. there are different reasons that this happen a lot. there is one in particular i want to highlight and that is when the other partner freely admits they are not ready to commit for a couple of years or at all. in such a situation i'd advise that you make sure the reason is not you. people can say they are not ready to commit but what thy mean is they are not ready to commit to you in particular. So guys and gals always be on the lookout for such situations. If you want marriage and the person you are with doesn't please please please don't stay and invest your emotions for a couple more years hoping he'll "come round".

[ladydayblues]

I had the love of my life do this, but he loved her more than me, so I understood and was happy for him. That is what love is all about. This was years ago and we are friends now and I love him THAT way now.

 

That seems to be the ultimate sacrifice for love... letting the other go on so that they can be happy, even if it's not with you. Good for you that you were able to do this and I'm glad you are still able to be friends. I am hoping some day (probably not for years...) that I can get to that point with my ex but it still hurts now.

 

That lid breaker idea makes a lot of sense. In some ways I feel like I can take pride in knowing that I was able to help my ex get through his transition time and helped him become more open to the world (he'd never admit how much I helped him). But yeah, I was hoping, maybe selfishly, that I DESERVED some sort of commitment after that. But I learned quite well, there are no guarantees in love and life.

 

I think having this experience teaches us to understand what we want in a relationship, and the importance of communication and being on the same page. I agree with blossom88 - If a guy can't give you what you need from a relationship and they say they aren't ready, take it at face value instead of "oh, he'll come around if i stay a little longer..." I remember fantasizing about my ex proposing to me, our wedding, our kids, all these crazy fantasies that drove me to stick around. They were delusions not based in reality. The reality was that he just wasn't into me but was too cowardly to let me go on my way. In some ways I'm glad he did it when he did instead of dragging me down that road another few years (as I probably would have continued to stay!).

[yonanz]

sorry to hear that, but it goes both ways. i too have invested alot into a 4 year r/s, only to be dumped by my gf, as have many other guys as well.

 

but please consider this as well : its not just years of your time, its years of his/her time as well. being the dumper does not diminish the amount he has put in as well. a relationship is 2 way.

 

and its not as if a person can predict whether a r/s will end. do u go into a r/s thinking that it will end one day? no. but thigns happen. along the way, spark disappears, people change, circusmtances change. nothing is permanent. r/s ends due to many reasons, but one thing for sure, we should stop blaming our partners, or ourselves, if a long term r/s fail. being long together does not mean being together forever; a person still has the right to stop a r/s if he/she no longer feels happy in this r/s anymore.

 

will u rather have your partner unhappy with you, or happy without? i would choose the latter. and i would find someone esle who would be happier with me.

[yonanz]

u might be surprised. i think u underestimated the forum's capacity to empathise. Your experience imight be painful, but as are everyone esle's, even if it differs from yours.

 

it's important when things like this happen that you take away a few lessons. firstly, love is impermanent. secondly, no one is indispensable. thirdly, people lie in r/s. or at least, people cant keep promises. promises are hence empty.

fourthly, life throws crap at you, you just have to learn to take it. what u experience is probably much less than [not meaning to trivialise it, but still] the child in africa who sffering from HIV, the baby who has not eaten for days in cambodia, the vicitms of tsunami indonesia with their homes destroyed , the cancer patient down your street, or the vicitims of earthquate in haiti or china, sichuan.

[blahsquared]

I think having this experience teaches us to understand what we want in a relationship, and the importance of communication and being on the same page. I agree with blossom88 - If a guy can't give you what you need from a relationship and they say they aren't ready, take it at face value instead of "oh, he'll come around if i stay a little longer..." I remember fantasizing about my ex proposing to me, our wedding, our kids, all these crazy fantasies that drove me to stick around. They were delusions not based in reality. The reality was that he just wasn't into me but was too cowardly to let me go on my way. In some ways I'm glad he did it when he did instead of dragging me down that road another few years (as I probably would have continued to stay!).

 

This is exactly what happened to me. Sucks. Which is why I cut him out of my life completely; I don't need to know about the next girl that he'll fall for and eventually marry.

 

On the plus side, I think I've been "broken in" myself. Now I know what I want. So that's not half bad either, right?

[Clarity]

Here's my male perspective: women do this as well.

[yonanz]

Here's my male perspective: women do this as well.

 

absolutely agree...

[ladydayblues]

Yeah that's true, women do this too -- I didn't mean to necessarily make this entire thread about men, but that article I found was about men... It does seem that in order for many men to want to get married, they have to have all their ducks in a row financially, career-wise, etc. whereas women have less of those kinds of requirements for themselves and are more flexible, perhaps? That seems to be a trend.

 

A lot of women think that they can be the special one to change a man's mind about commitment. That would be like, the ultimate win, right? For this previously stubborn guy to suddenly melt all his defenses and realize you are the only one for him. That's fairy tale talk. With this impossible goal in mind, the tendency is to stay too long, lose self respect because you're putting your life on hold waiting for this impossible thing, and since you end up having no life, get dumped, and end up severely messed up because you made it your job to make this man love you and you failed. Perhaps the next person "wins" because she has more self respect because she's been through that crap with another guy before and won't put up with it from your ex and it makes her seem stronger to him?

[o_hopeless_o]

It does seem that in order for many men to want to get married, they have to have all their ducks in a row financially, career-wise, etc. whereas women have less of those kinds of requirements for themselves and are more flexible, perhaps? That seems to be a trend.

 

i know this isnt all cases but i have heard that quote

 

"women marry/commit when they find the right guy, men marry/commit when it is the right time."

 

and again i know this isnt just guys either but i see it alot often