Dealing with Memories

[bostonchiiiiica]

I want my ex back so badly, but I realize I have to just get over it for right now for my own sake, before I drive myself insane.

 

What is holding me back from getting over it is our memories. Almost every song, every movie, every place...something every minute of the day reminds me of something my ex and I did together or said we would have.

I go shopping---it reminds me of when we shopped and I think about how great of a guy he is that he used to shop with his girlfriend all of the time...

Things people say, expressions, even food reminds me of him. I can't stop thinking of what we could have been and all of the things we said we would do together. We talked about our kids, getting married, our future...We spent every single day together for 4 years and I have SO much invested in him...I find myself making connections to memories like at least every 5 minutes...

 

How do I train my mind to stop wanting to cry every 5 minutes because of all of the memories? How do I make myself see those memories as the past, not as something to put me through pain each day? I know time and keeping busy will help, but is there anything else I can do now to just let it go?

[tiger_lilies]

Try thinking about the reasons for the break up. Don't drive yourself insane just thinking about the good memories. There were probably valid reasons for the relationship to end.

There's nothing I can say to take the pain away, it's up to you to make yourself better by concentrating on what makes you, you! Remember, you are responsible for your own happiness. It's okay to be sad for a while, but sooner or later, you will be tired of being sad and will want to be happy again.

Force yourself to go out, even if you don't feel like it. Take Care!

[bleeder]

Hi bostonchiiiiica,

 

Memories are very much a part of us as we are a part of them. Do not strive to erase them for you would not suceed much. Yes, there will always be certain songs, places, words and even a scent which will remind you of your ex partner.

 

What you can do is to live for the moment. Live in the present. Though we cannot push back those memories, but at least we know that when they do come, at least we know that it's just history and there are better things to focus on for now.

 

Letting go is the first step you should take. All the best.

[Ated]

bostonchiiiiica-

 

HEY its ATED!!!! Keep on hanging, trust me... im in the same similar situation!! We can do this together!!! We are going through a hard time and trust me, it feels like we're alone but we're not. I KNOW it is hard. It seems like you're the only person who knows heartbreak. But they do understand and they do know that 'this too shall pass!" I mean, if they didn't go through it, your the only unhappy person and there woulndt be any 'break-up' songs or whatver.

 

Listen, count your blessings!! Seriously... not to be a bitch, but you should be grateful. This IS a problem. But there are bigger problems!! Be thankful ur not sick... you are surviving. I mean, ppl around the world have BIGGER problems you know?? That's how i see it...

 

But i dunno. People have different ways of getting over someone.

 

I wanna help u badly, just keep posting and if i can give u an 'advice' ill try my best!

 

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK BOSTON!!! Show him ur strong! Ur giving him power... Take it all back and run with it! Just make sure this makes u a stronger person. Look, whats he done for u?? I know i INVESTED A LOT- (A LOT) on my ex too. But im hurting and he's not. What do i do?? Hes out partying? Im underaged. Even if i wasnt i can't make him feel the same way as its his choice!! so, by CHOICE, be a strong and independent women. There so much things in the world to focus ur energy on. Its good that you know what triggers your memories... but time to let go.

 

PEOPLE CHANGE, nothing last forever...

 

Hurts but what can we do?? If we all had the power to make things the way we like. But WE DO have the power to make thing better! To pick ourselves up. So we should use it!

 

BOSTON

 

I feel you girl... but only u can save urself!

[Ated]

Read this. I know its long, but it DOES help. Its from someone in this forum, i just can't remember who... But it was relaly well-put.

 

Well here it is!

 

This is just a note to those who are really hurting from a recent break up.

 

I know what you are going through. Self questioning, hurt, anger at being messed around, sadness, a roller coaster of different emotions, can't stop thinking, analysing, blaming yourself, wanting to be strong but wanting to call them, considering an "open relationship" or ANYTHING that means you can have some semblance of them in your life, crying etc.

 

I know because 7 months ago I thought I WAS GOING TO DIE. I was holding my heart on the floor shouting 'please someone make the pain go away' -- wondering if there would ever be an end to it all. Hoping, preying to god. But thinking 'this is it' I'll never get through this.

 

Well - amazingly, astonishingly, YOU WILL. You ride the train for as long as it takes BUT YOU DO GET THERE. Eventually feelings settle, you grow, you learn more about yourself, you figure where you went wrong, you appreciate new things in life that are beautiful and magical, you find new talents in yourself that you never know you had.

 

All I can offer advice wise for you all:

 

1. NO CONTACT - Not for the sake of clinging on to getting back together though. That is frequently posted on this site as the reason which is wrong (because that is just a mindgame with probably more pain waiting down the line). No contact is a means of dealing with the hurt, finding yourself, clearing the emotions and getting on with your life. And no contact is that. No contact. No exceptions. This is where most people fall down. You're in shock and pain - don't make it worse by having people who undermine your feelings waltzing in and out of your life in regular intervals.

 

2. CRY - Keep crying. Cry as much you want. Cry now. Get it out. Make yourself cry if you have to. Keep crying. Cry until you have nothing left in you. You'll keep crying for months if necessary. That's OK. Your heart is unloading its burden and healing. Crying is good. Listen to all the music you used to share and cry, cry, cry, cry (boys too - this is the one time where you are allowed to and even your best friend in the football team will understand. Don't be repressed about it. CRY!)

 

3. TALK - Talk about it as much as you want but try not to OVER-ANALYSE everything. (Something's just don't make sense at all) Talk as much as you feel you need to. But if you can sense your chums getting slightly fed up ("that's the 156th time we're hearing about this....") then just write those feelings down.

THEN agree a point with yourself where your not going to talk or write or think about it anymore (can be around a month or two after the break up) and DON'T. The chances are you still will - but that's OK - at least you're taking steps towards not talking about it. You can even try putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it each time you find yourself thinking about it. Or talking about it. It helped me (sort of) partly cause it consciously makes you aware that you are thinking about it and that's a good thing.

 

4. BE CREATIVE - Yes, there are times when you'll be lying on the floor in total pain, but other times where your emotions will give you some leeway. So use that time to be creative - draw, paint, write poetry, splash paints all over the place. I'm not asking for Wordsworth or Van Gough. Just try expressive stuff through any kind of art.

Also, try and focus that energy into something else other than the actual relationship (e.g. rather than a flow chart diagram of the breakup try and paint something on the larger theme of loss - this way you are being creative while also moving on). The best thing about being creative is that you have something cool to show for the breakup (I watched the film I shot during the time called Letting Go. It made absolutely no sense to anyone else, but moved me in terms of its beauty and poignancy of a particular time in my life)

 

5. MEDITATE - Slow yourself down. Sit down. Shut your eyes. Learn to slow down your thoughts - there are lots of good books and sites on meditation. It makes you feel like a deeper person and replenishes your self awareness at a time in which it has been robbed from you.

 

6. EXERCISE - Get fresh air. Give yourself the best chance of recovery. Don't push it. But try and keep yourself together as much as possible even if you're just walking the dog, going for a walk.

 

7. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE - It will make you see that there are other things than just the boy or girl you've lost. Think broadly. My list extended over 75 things over the course of 5 months healing time. And I'm on number 28. Number 29 is Skydiving and I'm slightly scared about that one now! I did some god damn amazing things - flew to the Caribbean and sat on a beach, learnt to shoot films, ice skate, ski EVERYTHING.

 

8. GET IN TOUCH WITH OLD FRIENDS - Yes remember there was that kid at class in 3rd grade you used to get on with so well? What the hell happened to him? Now is the time to find out - research, contact and get in touch with him. It takes your mind off the pain. Think of other things that make you happy and how you can achieve them (getting in touch with old friends was good for me)

 

9. PRAY - Yes. Faith. God. He will get you through because HE loves you (even if that little ratbag who messed up your life doesn't). Find a bible, the Baghvad Gita, a Tora, sit in a quiet church, just lie in bed and have your own conversation with god. It doesn't matter. God is there. God loves you.

 

10. GET ON THIS SITE - We dream to heal your wounds, but we bleed ourselves. We love you. People here want to help each other and KNOW what you are going through (unlike that little rascal who's just messed up your entire world!)

 

11. GET HELP IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN'T COPE - There's nothing wrong with that. You are experiencing depth of emotion. You are alive, and thereforeeee a fit, fighting human being. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone and getting help with it if you feel you are struggling too much.

 

12. PUT HEADPHONES ON AND BLAST MUSIC - It fills your mind and touches your soul. Just don't put on soppy love tunes cause they suck. Instead find some amazing music that is uplifting and touching.

 

ABOVE ALL REMEMBER, you WILL get through this. I promise you will. Just have faith and strength and courage in yourself and you will pull through. Life is magical - sometimes we need some challenges in our life to really make us see that. Guaranteed when you do come through this, you will be more compassionate, in-tune with yourself, the world and people than the stupid person who decided that they didn't need you anymore. Good luck with it!

[CC]

bostonchiiiica

i understand what you mean. its been 5 months since my ex and i broke up and i admit i still get reminded of him a lot. i'm getting better though and i am sure you will too. i guess we just have to hang in there huh? here's something you can try, everytime something reminds you of him, think of something he did that really hurt you, that way you'd rather not think about it at all. sometimes i try avoid the things (food, places and activities) that remind me of him but i also try to remind myself that life goes on and i should keep up the things i do that make me ME. it can be scary knowing that "the other half" isn't there anymore but we have to learn to be happy being with ourselves because that is the only person who will always be there for us. wish you the best!