GETTING THE RUN-AROUND? IS HE CONFUSED?

[TrueHeart]

For those who haven't been following along, or are new-- I've been out of an emotionally abusive relationship for about 3 months... it was a rebound relationship gone sour. I truly never let my XXBF go, and he truly never let go of me.

 

Ironically around the same time I dumped by last BF (Earl), my XXBF (Adam) started asking this other girl (Jenna) out. They've only been dating as long as I've been single-- but the relationship has a big fasaude.

 

Since my recent break-up, I've been wanting to rekindle my relationship with Adam... He had asked Jenna out for a month straight and she still told him no... I don't know what transpired for her to finally give in, but she did. Here's the snag:

 

Adam is not a religious person, and she comes from a very religious family. She herself is very religious. She is 18 and Adam is going to be 21 next month. Part of the reason it took her a month to finally give in to his asking was that she wanted him to believe in the Bible, God, etc.. He said no, so SHE said no to him asking her out. She goes to school 2 hours away in Northern Arizona for the entire school year, but is now living in Phoenix for the summer. They don't see eachother that often because she hides their relationship from her parents because if they found out she was dating a non-believer, they would pull her funding from her schooling, and possibly worse (this is all verbatum from Adam)--

 

I know this hurts him, and he is tired of the confusion she puts him through. He and I have been hanging out A LOT. We still act like BF/GF, despite his attachment to someone else. I have asked him on occasion why he chooses to be in a relationship with her if he truly doesn't love her (apparently), and why does he do things with me? They still call eachother everyday, use the same pet names we use-- and I've about had it!!

 

Here's the kicker:

 

He's told me that his patience with her is running thin. She doesn't sleep with him because of her religious beliefs, so she is still a virgin. She's told him this, but still 'cock-teases' him by begging him to have sex with her. I know Adam, and he said he refuses to do that because he doesn't want to be responsible for it. When I brought that up to him, I said that it would only be a matter of time before he gave in-- he adamently told me that will NOT happen, and THATS when he told me he was running out of patience with that whole scenerio. She CHOOSES to hide their relationship for selfish reasons, and I've told him that if someone CLAIMS to love you, they should be proud of you, no matter what consequence.

 

He says he does know this.. but then, we all went on a camping trip (she didn't go, she wasn't invited)-- He has told me that she is jealous of the time I spend with him, but I don't care about her... What she's doing is wrong... but then something that just came out of left-field....

 

Adam told me he was "confused"-- when I asked him about it, he said that he was"..confused about the the feelings he has for Jenna and the feelings he has for me"

 

What the hell does that mean? I've asked him to elaborate, but I don't want to upset him. I do not think its right that he does all these things with me, and then with her-- in fact, I deep down want him to make a choice, and that choice be me-- but I don't want to present the ultimatum. I've tried staying away, giving him space, but the question just drives me mad!!! We DO need to talk about it more, but I don't know what that means.... "..confused about the the feelings he has for Jenna and the feelings he has for me"

 

Does this mean that he wants to love me instead? He certainly isn't happy with her if he does this with me, he knows it... I've asked him before if he does it despite Jenna.. and he firmly tells me its because HE wants to.. and HE wants to be with me by his own choice...

 

I sincerely think he is confused... but maybe some of you guys can shed some light on it for me..? Any advice or translation is welcome!

[Ated]

WOawH! Sticky situation. ](*,) I really think that this guy is sweet. But i somehow feel like the reason he's staying with the other chick is cos he wants to take her virginity?? I dunno but i think its an ego boost for guys... and the fact that she's sooo religious and she's seducing him, its sooo hard for him to resist (even tho he's doing a great job resisting!!)

 

I think he is confused about the other girl. NOT how he feels about you. I mean, you were together once, so if he says he has feelings for yo, i'd believe him.

 

This is a really hard one. I think its best for other people to answer as i'm inexperienced. I do agree taht a male perspective can help!

[goodquestion]

Bottom line the situation, this Jenna is a structured, inflexible chick ... she gets off on controlling him ... he needs to walk, actually RUN away ...

 

now, as for the religious point of view, I respect what Jenna believes in, no sex b4 marriage, but she's using that as an excuse to play her controlling mind games. It's all a power trip, if she really cared for him, she wouldn't tease him in such a manner ...

 

This Jenna gives truly good women, who believe in faith, a very bad representation ...

 

l8r

[twizod]

Jenna is the epitome of something you want but you cannot have. She is controlling him if he realizes it or not. I know these types and you need to stay out of the picture now. If he sees that you are gone and all he has left is this girl who is a pain-in-the-ass, he'll drop her like a sore habit. Plus, that relationship is doomed b/c of how diff't and screwed up the foundation to build on it is. If I were you I'd back away from him and make him feel uncomfortable with this space. Let him work on the new relationship and get frustrated with it. Then, when she tells him to F off he'll coming crying to you and she'll be gone. All you are doing right now is giving him emotional support and ego boost to deal with her. You are actually making this situation more tolerable for him to deal with. Oh, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE ULTIMATUM!!! He is way too involved right now with her and you are giving him emotional support so he won't side with you just yet. Just shy away and make him feel alone with religious nutcase. You can win this so easily with a little patience...you got some?

[AB38]

Great advise on the other posts. You know what I am going to say!! girl, he is treating you like 2nd place. He cannot have his cake and eat it too! He is using you as a fall back if it doesn't work out with the other girl. This girl is a quest for him. I know the wait is the hardest part, but you are going to drive yourself mad. Leave him alone.

 

It sounds like he is still interested in you, so give him the time to sort things out. NO CONTACT!!! But do you really want this guy back?? Think about it. I will PM you later.

[TrueHeart]

Wow-- thanks guys. I really never looked at it like the emotional support too-- and making it more tolerable as well for him.. Mmmm.. I always thought it was the physical support because she won't sleep with him.

 

I will try that, indefiniteily. I think the time away will drive him crazy, and because she's such a 'blue-baller'- it might quicken the frustration process.. My first instinct was to just disappear... I think I will..

 

Any more suggestions on how I should announce my absense??

 

And your 100% correct about Jenna... I just can't believe it...

[xxatti]

Im sort of with AB38 on this one. Do you really want this guy back? How did the relationship end between you two?

[TrueHeart]

It never really did end.. Its been kind of on-going... We never really lost the loving feeling, you know? We split because I had my head up my rear, and cheated on him... It was a mistake the immediate moment it happened-- but the damage was done. I was completely honest with him and told him everything, but I had broken his heart.. He said that he forgave me, and all was ok...

 

Just at lunch today, he said that HE was the one confused about HIMSELF-- not about me or her... Which in turn led me to inquire why.. he said he did want to tell me, but didn't want to make it brief, as there is a lot to discuss apparently. He wants to get together with me to talk about it..... I think I will use this opportunity to have this 'last meeting' with him and distance myself from him once he tells me why and what he's confused about... It will be the peak moment I'll need.

 

What do you think??

[xxatti]

I dont know. I get the feeling that if he wanted to get back with you, he would at least be making an attempt. Did you ever think that maybe despite your feelings for each other, that he doesnt want to get involved with you again (at least not right now). I mean, you said yourself you broke his heart. If it were me, I might use you for the emotional support, like he's doing, but I'd be hesitant to get involved with you again. Would leaving the picture make him realize that you're what he really wants?? Maybe, but if he's thinking like this picture I painted, then maybe not. But if he's what you really want, then it doesnt hurt to try.

[TrueHeart]

Well, we had our discussion: Here's how it went.

 

He told me that he was confused, but that he was confused about him. He said to me that he loves Jenna AND I... But its strange because he doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. He said he loves both of us, and that he has to make a decision.

 

In telling me all this, he disclosed to me that he has been putting off breaking up with Jenna for weeks now. He told me that they've been dating for 2 months, and have YET to go on a real date-- he said, she's AFRAID to even go on a date with him. He told me last night, that he has to tell her today that he knows she's not the one for him. I know this because last night they were suppose to see a movie... but he cancelled for some reasons unknown-- according to him, "his own reasons"-- he said she constantly bails on him and the only time she ever wants to hang out is when she wants to come over and fool around, and even in that-- tis really not fooling around because she never goes all the way.

 

This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm automatically going to be in that place, but I think now more than ever-- especially if he's going to break up with her today, I really DO need to leave him alone. I told him that I respected what he was telling me, and that I would be here for him. (He was a bit drunk at this point)-- He did say it is and already is very difficult to tell both of us (Jenna and I), that he feels the need to break up with her-- not for me, but for HIM. He said that she's not the one for him... Verbatum. He said that he knows she is head-over-heels in love with him-- but he doesn't return the love....

 

So how we left it was that he was going to confront her today about it. I'm dying to really call him, but I know that is wrong and is completely premature-- and could cause more damage for me..... No No No, I certainly DONT want that.

 

Either way, I think he's finally seeing what this has done to him, and is making his move. Is the best thing I can do right now is to give him space?? I certainly think so-- I know when he tears away from her, he's going to feel some pain and rescentment, and i really don't want to be in the cross-fire. The best thing I did for him was tell him that I would be here for him if he needed anything... which may have been saying too much already....

 

So-- any thoughts? Insight? Fore-shadowing on this wall of dilemma thats about to come crashing down? I'd really like to hear any feedback...