Friend acts very immature and is driving me nuts!

[arsenic_n_lace]

My friend Mary is driving me crazy! After my break-up last year she was really there for me 100% and we would talk to the phone a lot and hang out a lot, the break up happened over a year now though and I’m in a happier state and I don’t need to call her all the time to talk because I’m fine now. Just to warn, this may be long!

 

Our friendship has been rocky for about the past six months. It started when she gave me a “test” which I didn’t know about and I apparently failed it so she was mad at me and wouldn’t really talk to me and I had no idea why at the time and then later found out why through our mutual friend. So I tried constantly to make things better and to try more on our friendship since she felt like I didn’t call her as often and we didn’t hang out as often.

 

So after that I tried to make more of an effort by texting her more and sending her messages on facebook to which she would either not reply at all or write back a sentence or two so things still seemed to be weird. And it just sucked because she wasn’t acting weird with anyone else, only me. I would think that everything was fine and then I would find out that she said something catty about me to someone else so she was just acting very immature.

 

One of the latest things that she had gotten upset about was over a message she had sent me on facebook saying that we should go for coffee soon. Well in my reply I didn’t mention the coffee all I said was “hope you’re having a good time in Vancouver” because I knew she was there visiting her friend. I didn’t think I’d need to set up a date to go for coffee because to me that’s what acquaintances do and not friends. I figured she would just call me one day and say let’s hang out, I didn’t know we needed to make a formal date. Anyway, she was upset over that and deleted the message from Facebook and said to our mutual friend “well I tried” in a snobby way. Which makes me mad and confused me because she doesn’t have to “try” with me, I’m the one who constantly needs to try with her.

 

Another thing that happened was the other day we were supposed to meet at a restaurant where our mutual friend works to give Mary her college graduation present that we had bought for her. Well I work 7 days a week and was a bit tired from work, I’d just gotten home when Mary texts me asking if I want to meet up at the restaurant because she’s there right now. So I said “haha well I just got home five minutes ago and I have to eat and have a shower but I can probably be ready in a couple hours, unless you want to meet a different day.” So we decided to meet at 8:00. Well, when I got there she didn’t even acknowledge me, she was talking with someone else and finally when she was done talking to the other person she looks at me and says in a snobby way AGAIN

 

HER: “if you don’t want to be here you can leave”

ME: “what would make you think I didn’t want to be here?”

HER: “well it didn’t really sound like it on the phone”

ME: “sorry, I was just tired from working all day”

HER: “well if you don’t want to be here then you can leave, I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me”

ME: “well to be honest I am tired and would’ve rather have done it a different day but you and our mutual friend wanted to do it today and I don’t mind, if I didn’t want to be here then I wouldn’t”

 

So then she’s silent all of a sudden and a waitress comes over and asks if we want menu’s and I say that I’ve already eaten so I ask Mary if she’s going to eat and she said “well if no one else is then I’m not going to” so then I said “oh, well were you going to get a drink” and she says “no.” So now she’s acting like she’s upset with me even though I didn’t do anything so we go sit at a table and I’m trying to be really friendly and I’m trying to talk with her but it’s like pulling teeth, she doesn’t really want to say anything.

 

She just acts to immature and it drives me nuts! If she has a problem she should just say so instead of holding it in and acting weird towards me. So the other day I sent her a really nice message on facebook congratulating her on graduating and how I think she’ll be great at what she’s gone to school for and she hasn’t even replied and I know that she’s been online. I just don’t understand her.

[DontGetStung]

Ignore the girl. Why would you want to be friends with someone that you have to "pass a test" for? Freeze this little girl out, sounds like she doesn't truly want to be friends anyway.

[alli]

Hmm, it sounds like there's just some miscommunications going on here. Like you said, you needed her during that breakup a while ago, and she got used to the dynamics of your friendship. Then as you healed, those dynamics changed. You understood why, but she didn't.

 

I think you should go to her in person, tell her you value her & your friendship with her, and that when she gets upset about something, you are not a mind-reader & you will not know she is upset or why unless she talks to you about it. Ask her where she thinks the problem started so you guys can talk it out.

 

You say she is immature, but I think she is really just hurt. She was there for you when you needed her. At least put in an effort & try to resolve this. Try to talk to her, in person, without getting defensive or blaming her. Start off by saying "I'm sorry if I've hurt you & I want to work this out". If she doesn't want to work it out, well, at least you tried.

[arsenic_n_lace]

That’s kind of the vibe that I’m getting too. We were great friends before and now things have changed. She’s acted weird towards me and said some not very nice things and I can’t look at her the same way anymore. I can forgive but I can’t forget. I realize our friendship will never be the same as it was before but I’d like it to at least be normal because we have pretty much all the same friends.

 

I don’t think I should have to try so hard on a friendship. And maybe she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore… that’s definitely how she’s acting.

[alli]

That’s kind of the vibe that I’m getting too. We were great friends before and now things have changed. She’s acted weird towards me and said some not very nice things and I can’t look at her the same way anymore. I can forgive but I can’t forget. I realize our friendship will never be the same as it was before but I’d like it to at least be normal because we have pretty much all the same friends.

 

I don’t think I should have to try so hard on a friendship. And maybe she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore… that’s definitely how she’s acting.

 

Maybe, but I'd say give it one last shot. It would be a shame if this could all be resolved & you both lost a great friend for nothing but lack of communication. And you never have to wonder if maybe you should have tried harder to work it out.

[arsenic_n_lace]

She does get her feelings hurt easily. But when this happened before and we talked about everything I told her why we didn’t talk as often (referring to the break up) and I’ve also told her a few times how I value her friendship and miss her as a friend and then things seem to be fine with us but then she’ll say something mean about me to someone else and things get weird again.

 

So maybe I will say something one last time to let her know how she’s making me feel and if we can’t be good friends like before then we’ll just be acquaintances, or maybe nothing at all?

[alli]

Well, it sounds like you've already done what I suggested. In that case, I doubt doing it again will change anything. I would probably say to her what you've said here. That you've told her you value her & miss her as a friend, and you aren't sure where things went wrong but each time you've tried to fix it, she only turns around & says something mean about you to someone else. Tell her the ball is in her court. If she wants to be friends, she needs to let you know. But a real friend won't turn around & say negative things about you, and if things continue as they are then perhaps both of you will be better off if this friendship is terminated.

 

And follow through. If she says she wants to be friends, but then you hear she's saying stuff about you, then tell her that there's no use pretending to be friends anymore & end it.