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Being best friends with someone that is in love with you..


aurevoir

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I have known - let's call him... Julian.- I have known Julian for about.. 7 years? Ever since we were little kids, from what others and himself have told me he has been madly in love with me. Obviously as a child, having self-esteem issues could not fathom the idea of someone liking me in a affectionate way. It creeps me out. So we basically kept our distance. I have no idea how we actually started talking but we exchanged emails and thus a friendship began. of course it wasn't 2 years after until he confessed how he felt towards me. Me being young of course, couldn't really understand how or why he loved me. But he did. When I think back I feel terrible, because he spent 7 whole years.. yes 7 - in love with me. He sometimes brings it up over and over again. Okay anyways,

 

I decided i love him as a friend - at least that is what i told him. Truth is, i somewhat do love him more then that, but i don't want to risk ruining this wonderful relationship with a wonderful person. I don't want to do that because he is one of the greatest people I still have in my life.

 

Anyway we were talking tonight.. i noticed everytime we talk even while we were dating other people he always seemed a little too interested in how my relationship was going. A few friends of mine made several comments that the girl he was then interested in looked A LOT like me. Had similar interests, music tastes and the like. I didn't look into it too much because I honestly didn't care. To be honest, I never liked this girl. She was using him, and turns out I was right all along... so tonight we talked. And he seemed sad, so i asked him what was going on. He mentioned that he wasn't seeing the girl anymore and that i was right etc. I comforted him the best way i could so we decided to meet up afterwards and just talk and catch up. Then he went on to talking about the past.. and how much he loved me. He went on with "hahaha Do you want children?" I said "No. Maybe, but it's not part of my plan" and he frowned and said "oh, well yes.. you are going to have children. We are going to have children and you'll be a beautiful mother" I had no idea what to say.. so i changed the subject quickly. He went back to saying "I'm really glad i am happy for you." I asked "why?" "You seem happier without him. I like seeing you happy." him - my ex. I said "oh well alright.." and he asked "What would you do if I told you i never stopped loving you?" I didn't know what to say. I just sat there and blushed. Like what the f? Why am I SO scared to take a chance on him? I can do it with other guys, but not him. God he is so sweet and charming and he's a really nice guy, i have always secretly had feelings for him but I just can't tell him that.. I don't want to hurt him or him to get the wrong idea.

 

Why is it every time we speak, he HAS to mention his feelings about me?

WHY. WHY WHY?

 

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I think you should keep it as friends because we all know what happens if it doesn't work out but then again you never know he could be the right guy for you its just a chance your going to have to take thats up to you to decide.

 

I can tell he is unhappy. It is as if he just goes through girls just to make himself happy and he doesn't even have any real feelingsfor them..

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God he is so sweet and charming and he's a really nice guy, i have always secretly had feelings for him but I just can't tell him that.. I don't want to hurt him or him to get the wrong idea.

 

Seems to me you ought to do something about this or you could end up regretting losing him to someone else.
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Based on your profile pic, I think 75% of the men on this forum are secretly in love with you.

 

But that aside, this 'friendship' is going to end in unhappiness. he expresses over and over his feelings because he knows you don't feel the same but hopes one day you will. I feel that at some stage, in a moment of emotional stress he is going to try something, you are going to reject him and it's going to end. Badly and you are both going to be hurt.

 

Also, in some contexts, you are using him. You know full well that he is in love with you and you are stringing him along because he is the nicest guy, does this and does that. Yet the reason he is like that is that he is in love with you. You need to walk away from this situation as sooner or later it will end like I have suggested above and he will hate you. The longer it lasts, the deeper the feelings, and after 7 years, I think they are pretty deep already. Do something about it now as I feel he is already hurting inside.

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That should tell you something about him well i mean it can mean two things.... one.. that he isnt ready to settle down and he just wants to have fun..... or two.. that he's not really happy with them other girls and that means he's not taking them serious because he's waiting for you to make a move or he's not sure how to tell you if thats the case then give it a try

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What? I am not using him! I ignore his feelings towards me. At least try to, because I enjoy our relationship. I;d rather not screw it up.

 

Yeah i can tell he is somewhat still hurt if he can act like a jerk towards me only to get some sort of rise out of me

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What? I am not using him! I ignore his feelings towards me. At least try to, because I enjoy our relationship. I;d rather not screw it up.

 

You ignore his feelings (knowing full well that he has those feelings) because you enjoy the relationship. He is not getting what he wants but you are. Sounds like using to me. He sounds like he needs to be put out of his misery and told that it's never ever going to happen else he is going to continue to be hurt and act up.

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Okay maybe I said that wrong. I ignore the feelings... because I don't know what else to do or say. I have told him several times he should just date someone else because I am not available. Maybe because i value him too much, that I am uncertain of taking a risk and being with him. Potentially ruining the relationship. I have seen tons of 'friends' date and boy after they ended, it wasn't so great.

 

And for about a year... he was with another girl. It seemed pretty legit, but now I am not so sure.

 

and of course I enjoy our friendship. I have never felt that close to anybody else before. not even any of my ex boyfriends. It'll be a lot easier if he just flat out told me what he was feeling, instead of being angry and acting like a jerk and just when I get annoyed he's sorry?

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I'm gonna tell you from the perspective of a girl being in love with a guy friend, that you might lose him anyway. I am deciding to ignore the guy I like right now because I can't handle being just his friend and I've only been talking to him for 4 months. Let's just call him Bob. lol I have even already told him how I feel and he has told me flat out he doesn't like me like that. He talks to me all the time, more than any of my other guy friends and I really feel like he is stringing me along. Lately, he's been talking to me about girls he likes and I finally broke down and gave him the hint that I can't handle that.

 

In this kind of a situation, when one person likes the other one, it never ends well, so if you have feelings for him, go for it, because if he does what he should, he'll end the friendship anyway.

 

It's only been 4 months and I already can't handle being just this guy's friend. Then again, 7 years is a long time to wait for someone. I personally, won't do it. If he has then he's a lot stronger than me.

 

Also, if you think he is so wonderful and you don't ever want to lose him, that could be because he is the one. At least that's the way I would feel about it. If I am so concerned about losing someone, I'd probably just marry them. Problem solved. lol

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and of course I enjoy our friendship. I have never felt that close to anybody else before. not even any of my ex boyfriends. It'll be a lot easier if he just flat out told me what he was feeling, instead of being angry and acting like a jerk and just when I get annoyed he's sorry?

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are intentionally using him, it's just how it has worked out...

 

But the rest of that stuff aside. I think he feels he has told you exactly how he is feeling, that he is in love with you. He gets angry because you don't return the same level of feeling.

 

Somewhere inside he knows he himself should walk away, and even leave the friendship, but he may feel he is too close. He has even had relationships, but somewhere in there he has been always thinking of you. Yes, you want the friendship to continue, but it's no longer just hurting him, his reactions are starting to hurt you. The fact that you don't want the friendship to go south so you don't want to together with him doesn't matter any more, the fact that you won't get together with him and that he can't get over that fact is causing the friendship to do that way anyway.

 

I feel you may be stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. Perhaps a long period a part may resolve this, perhaps it won't but I think it might be best.

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Based on your profile pic, I think 75% of the men on this forum are secretly in love with you.

Genius!!

 

I think you need to be completely honest with yourself and then make a decision based upon what YOU want. That is the only way you can be fair to both him and you.

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Well we haven't been speaking for 3 months and we recently started talking again. I'm sure that's pretty long. The thing I didn't understand was how he could continually ask about me constantly. Ask about our relationship.. in a loving way. While he was supposedly exclusive with that other girl. And whenever he would ask certain things, i'd always bring up "but what about her... aren't you with her?" and he'd change the subject. I don't understand what that's about but it hasn't been the first time he has done this. I don't like the fact that he's kind of playing the other girl even if he may have a little feelings for her.

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Please see my thread here, i may be like your friend.

 

If you have feelings for him that verge on more than friendship then you HAVE to give him a chance. You may be missing out on something trueley amazing, if it doesnt work it doesnt work, and if he really is a true friend he will still be there for you.

For all you know he may get with you and realise it isnt right either.

 

If you dont try you will never know, and if you never know that will hurt you much more in the long run!

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If he has unrequited romantic feelings for you then the friendship isn't going to last anyway.

 

Not always true. I was in love with one of my best friends for 2 years and I'm still not completely over him (another year later) but I've learnt to deal with it, because I'd rather be his friend than be nothing. Maybe it's different for males though...

 

And aurevoir, I think you need to be more honest with him. It's not fair to leave him guessing how you feel when you know how he feels. If you don't want to be with him then you should tell him, and if you're not sure maybe talking to him about it might help sort out your feelings?

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Not always true. I was in love with one of my best friends for 2 years and I'm still not completely over him (another year later) but I've learnt to deal with it, because I'd rather be his friend than be nothing. Maybe it's different for males though...

 

And aurevoir, I think you need to be more honest with him. It's not fair to leave him guessing how you feel when you know how he feels. If you don't want to be with him then you should tell him, and if you're not sure maybe talking to him about it might help sort out your feelings?

I have told him, he won't leave it alone.

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