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Why do men like women who play "hard to get"


justagirl09

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I am sure there are men who are the exception, but most of the time when i back off, they come to me. I dont do it on-purpose either. I see how they act when i make the effort, take initiative, and want to talk more. Then, when i back off, i hear from him more than before.

 

Can someone explain this?

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I'm not sure why guys are like this, but I have noticed that when I'm not that interested in a guy they always call me. And then I sit and wonder why can't I meet someone I am interested in that calls me as much as the guys I don't like. So I am thinking that I am going to try do the hard to get thing. But then how do you play hard to get without making them think you are not interested or playing games? I don't know, act interested, but not too interested....anyone else have advise on how to do this?

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I am sure there are men who are the exception, but most of the time when i back off, they come to me. I dont do it on-purpose either. I see how they act when i make the effort, take initiative, and want to talk more. Then, when i back off, i hear from him more than before.

 

Can someone explain this?

 

Scientifically speaking it is a feature of central nervous system when "negative" condition causes "positive" responce. Probably all of the developed mammals possess the feature. At least cats and dogs for sure.

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Well, just think about it. It works both ways. When there's something you can't have or is very difficult to attain, don't you want that "thing" even more now? It's only natural. Now deciding whether it's worth the effort to go after that thing is a different story, but it's a fact that it's at least more attractive or desirable.

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I don't. If you play games with me, I will just hop over to another lady.

 

I am sure there are men who are the exception, but most of the time when i back off, they come to me. I dont do it on-purpose either. I see how they act when i make the effort, take initiative, and want to talk more. Then, when i back off, i hear from him more than before.

 

Can someone explain this?

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She asked why her withdrawal creates an attraction. What I am saying - it is not man specific. It is just a feature of the brain function in mammals. So called paradox state - if you have something, you don't want it. When it is gone you suddenly want it.

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It is unlikely that 25-30 years will override thousands years of evolution.

 

Not all the behaviors we exhibit are directly related to evolution. Some do of course, but many others also were born out of a particular social context. And some are a combination of both.

 

But anyway, my point is more that "dating" as we know it is a very new concept when you look at the larger timeline. Most of the traditions and nuances we see in Western society can be squarely traced back to the early 1800s when the etiquette surrounding "romantic love" started being mapped out and formalized through many of the games you still see played today.

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I don't think I've ever played hard to get with someone I genuinely liked and everyone I've dated has been thankful for the no game playing policy. However, there do seem to be a lot of guys who DON'T GET THE HINT when you turn them down and tell them you're not interested. The more you emphasize this, the more it seems to fuel their fire. There does seem to be something appealing to what's not attainable to these guys. It doesn't make any sense to me.

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Not all the behaviors we exhibit are directly related to evolution. Some do of course, but many others also were born out of a particular social context. And some are a combination of both.

 

But anyway, my point is more that "dating" as we know it is a very new concept when you look at the larger timeline. Most of the traditions and nuances we see in Western society can be squarely traced back to the early 1800s when the etiquette surrounding "romantic love" started being mapped out and formalized through many of the games you still see played today.

 

You are correct. But I hoped to answer the question directly. If you take philosophical approach of course you can drop more variables into play. But the paradox "I don't have it I want it now" is just a feature of CNS.

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I just did some Googling for the kick of it. Here's a nice recap from link removed :

 

 

Ancient Courtship

In ancient times, many of the first marriages were by capture, not choice - when there was a scarcity of nubile women, men raided other villages for wives. Frequently the tribe from which a warrior stole a bride would come looking for her, and it was necessary for the warrior and his new wife to go into hiding to avoid being discovered. According to an old French custom, as the moon went through all its phases the couple drank a brew called metheglin, which was made from honey. Hence, we get the word, honeymoon. Arranged marriages were the norm, primarily business relationships born out of the desire and/or need for property, monetary or political alliances.

 

Medieval Chivalry

From buying a woman dinner to opening a door for her, many of today's courting rituals are rooted in medieval chivalry. During medieval times, the importance of love in a relationship emerged as a reaction to arranged marriages, but was still not considered a prerequisite in matrimonial decisions. Suitors wooed their intended with serenades and flowery poetry, following the lead of lovelorn characters on stage and in verse. Chastity and honor were highly regarded virtues. In 1228, women first gained the right to propose marriage in Scotland, a legal right that then slowly spread through Europe.

 

Victorian Formality

During the Victorian Era (1837-1901), romantic love became viewed as the primary requirement for marriage and courting became even more formal - almost an art form among the upper classes. An interested gentleman could not simply walk up to a young lady and begin a conversation. Even after being introduced, it was still some time before it was considered appropriate for a man to speak to a lady or for a couple to be seen together. Once they had been formally introduced, if the gentleman wished to escort the lady home he would present his card to her. At the end of the evening the lady would look over her options and chose who would be her escort. She would notify the lucky gentleman by giving him her own card requesting that he escort her home. Almost all courting took place in the girl's home, always under the eye of watchful parents. If the courting progressed, the couple might advance to the front porch. Smitten couples rarely saw each other without the presence of a chaperone, and marriage proposals were frequently written.

 

 

Modern Dating

In the years 1920's to 1945, dating involved a more informal dating than ever before. For the first time there were no chaperones on dates between males and females. The dates required no formal commitment to each other and there was more freedom. Previously the community and church established the dating rules, but now the peers instituted the rules. Instead of the man coming to the women's house, they went "out" where it required money. It is said that there was a control issue surrounding the change in dating. Previously dating was somewhat in the women's control because the man was coming into her house. However, now couples were going out and the man paid for the date.

 

The most popular pastimes on dates were dancing and movies. Before the 1920's going dancing was a group activity but now it became couple oriented. Cars also had a huge impact on dating practices. Having a car now enabled couples to have more privacy and intimacy. The practice of "petting" spread over all the dating couples now more than ever and there were even "petting" parties. This new kind of dating allowed each person to get to know each other better before they settled in an exclusive relationship. The focus was now on success and popularity without involving emotions. Before, this type of dating, formal courting was for the purpose of finding the "ideal" mate.

 

During the 1930's, "steady" relationships had developed as a stage between casualness of dating and marriage. When a "steady" stage had formed, the couple dated only each other, which could last for months or maybe just a week. Romantic love was the only basis for marriage, and you definitely knew when you found "the right one".

 

Some of the same practices of the twenties and thirties were carried to the years between 1945 and 1960. Parents didn't agree with this new behavior towards dating evolving in the youth because of the increase in pre-marital sexual behavior. The "good" girl however engaged in all form of petting except intercourse, to keep "pure" for their husbands. If women did engage in pre-marital intercourse, she usually intended to marry. Love still was the basis for marriage, which was the most important source of happiness and fulfillment. The single men and women were pitied, because they were thought of lacking happiness in their life.

 

From the 1960's to the present there have been some drastic changes in the dating. Feminism had a big impact on dating rituals. Women were now empowered more than ever to think of themselves not as just a wife but also a human being. Between the years 1960-1972 the amount of women in colleges greatly increased. The youth culture also began to develop a more liberal attitude towards pre-marital sex. Birth control was now very common for couples to have. The pill went on the market in 1960, and within three years more than 2 million American women were using it. The average first intercourse was now at age 16 for males and age 17 for females.

 

In the year 1980 it was reported that 80% of males and 65% of females have engaged in pre-marital sex. The year 1988 the age of first marriages was now 25.9% male and 23.6% females, which was a huge decrease. Dating and courting was still central features but in the 1970's there wasn't dating as often and the youth began to date at older ages. The average aged female to date in the year 1958 was 13 and in 1978 was 14. In the 1970's and 1980's dating changed and the following ways: there was a greater opportunity for informal opposite sex interaction, dating became less formal, and there was no longer a set progression of stages from first meeting to marriage. In conclusion, the dating system has become more pluralistic over time.

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There's a happy medium between hard to get/game playing and clingy/needy and this is what I suspect most guys prefer.

 

I don't like a woman who intentionally plays "hard to get", I just like her to have her own life, own things to do, so that we can slowly get to know each other by getting together once week and maybe more after a while if things go well.

 

If she cancels dates, shows a lot of interest in other guys, or is otherwise flaky in an effort to be "hard to get", she'll lose my interest.

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I think there could be a number of personality traits leading to someone, anyone (women notoriously do this as well) who suddenly finds themselves attracted to someone else more when they back away. It can be on a continuum scale, however. Some do it playfully and some are pathological with the behavior.

 

I have seen some with low self-esteem who think, possibly subconsciously, that someone who pursues them is flawed in some way because they feel flawed.

 

Generally, I would not want to deal with someone who has such hang ups or plays games. It then becomes unlikely you could satisfy a person the more complicated they make things.

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I hate women that play hard to get. If she decides to play that game, I walk away. I take the hard to get approach as a lack of interest.

 

But then, just because she shows interest, doesn't necessarily mean she is not a challenge, and yes, we men do like a challenge.

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i think it's more about having a life and not being boring. i notice that with guys that i'm not that interested in or guys i don't pay much attention to, will try and win me over more often than the guys i'm gushing over. likewise, the guys who are gushing over me and follows me around like lost puppies are less likely to make my heart flutter because there's no chase, no challenge, no flirting, no dance.

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