Please stop me obsessing - I'm breaking inside

[kind of blue]

This is a very long read, so thank you for taking the time to look at it.

 

Firstly I'm a little apprehensive about posting my story, i'm ashamed of my actions and worried about getting judged. please don't think I'm a crazy person, I'm impulsive, act before I think and made the mistake of falling for the wrong man.

 

I've been involved with this man for just over two years, its been mostly two years of hurt for me as I always knew he didn't have the same feelings as I did, in fact he came accross emotionally detached most of the time.

We spent weekends together, holidays etc… and spent most of our time doing couply stuff but he would never say that he was in a relationship. I wish I had stopped investing my time and emotions in it long ago, but I fell deeply in love and just couldn't let go.

 

I realise this is not all his fault, I kept hanging on, he was so emotionally distant with me and would never talk about anything, he would disappear and cut me off every now and again when things started to get to 'serious'.

I then had a huge wake up call last summer when I fell pregnant - lets just say he never handled it very well, in fact he didn't handle it at all, he disappeared and stopped talking to me, ignoring all contact - not so good for a 46 year old man! It was a hard time for me, I had a termination and he never even battered an eyelid, just took no responsibility at all - very cold hearted.

 

A couple of months after we started talking again - but he would never talk about what happened - its never been mentioned since. We went away for the weekend, then a few days after I got another 'dear john' text (because he's always been too much of a coward to tell me to my face), that our friendship has to end, he needs to sort his life out and be happy in himself, etc…..

 

Anyway I didn't hear from him for 4 months, I tried contacting him - I know, I just couldn't stop it and hated myself for doing it - but he just ignored me.

He then contacted me a few days before Christmas, he seemed to really want to see me and we met up, he was going away on holiday for three weeks the next day, he came accross sincere and genuinely pleased to see me, I kidded myself that he had grown a conscience and changed somehow.

 

When he came back we started the usual pattern of spending weekends together, but I started to get more and more hurt, he stopped kissing me during sex and I just couldn't handle the feeling of being used and letting someone use me. He arranged for us to go away one weekend to see a concert and it was then that everything came crashing down.

 

Firstly I guess everything just got bottled up inside me and I was an emotional mess waiting to pop, I suddenly started crying after sleeping with him - his answer was to get out and leave me , avoiding any emotional situation. He eventually came back after a couple of hours like nothing happened and like always I went along with it because I didn't want to 'rock the boat'.

The following evening he got really drunk and said some very horrid things to me, he admitted that when he went on holiday he slept with a woman he knew there - his wording was not so eloquent and shocked me. He also said he met a woman on the plane back, he even went on to say he would like children someday - this hit me like a ton of bricks, I was devastated, thoughts of my pregnancy came flooding back.

The next day I was a mess, cried non- stop all day and night, I wasn't thinking straight and I did something I am not proud of and feel ashamed of, I emailed the woman he had slept with on holiday - I knew she was an old school friend of his. The reply I got back was unexpected, she said he had told her a lot about me, she knew about my pregnancy - this amazed me, he never spoke to me about it. She said she finds his behaviour interesting and also mine interesting, she said she's known him since school (he is 46 now) so has an idea what he is and what he is not, she basically ended it saying she hoped I can learn to love myself more and stop people treating me so badly.

 

After I contacted her I felt terrible, I tried to tell him what I had done but I didn't get the opportunity, a few days later his father died, whom he was very close to, she decided to tell him about my email 3 days after he died, obviously he didn't take it very well, eventually he said he forgave me but it didn't last long as a week after that she sent him a copy of the actual email I wrote and since then he wants nothing to do with me - I can't blame him I know.

 

I felt so bad for what I did and so bad about the pain he must be experiencing with his fathers death. I had the rare reply saying life is hectic, he's having to look after his mother everyday. Obviously I still care for him a great deal and wanted to help in someway but I made everything worse. Firstly my texting became obsessive, it seemed everytime he ignored me and pushed me away the more I tried to show him how much I care.

 

I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse but stupidly I decided to go over to see him to leave him some flowers, pay my respects about his father and show I care. I had been worrying about him for weeks (his father died 5 weeks ago today) thinking times must be hard as he was the only child and now has to look after his crippled mother everyday. When I got to his house another woman was there, it wasn't my greatest hour and I made a fool of myself, I asked to see him, she went upstairs and he came down, he had nothing to say apart from get out, I started to shout about all the terrible things he had done to me, leaving me pregnant etc, cheating on me, etc.. he just pushed and shoved me and intimidated me by shouting in my face to get out - there was a point I actually thought he was going to hit me. I left in total shock, firstly at his behaviour towards me, the hate, aggression and anger which i had never experienced before and secondly that all this time I thought he was going through hell grieving when in reality he had just moved onto somebody else.

 

I know I need to stop contacting him, and try to move on. He probably hates me and I'll forever be associated with his fathers death and the pain in his life.

 

So today will be day one of no contact, I need all the support I can get, I don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and I'm unsure how I'm going to get through it. I've talked to friends - I'm sure they're tired of hearing about it, I try and go out - tho I don't enjoy it, I do a lot of exercise and get out into the countryside but everything I do reminds me of him. I just can't seem to let go - how do I do it?

[DaynaLovesYou]

Wow...im so sorry you are going through this...One thing you need to do is shut him out of your life. I know that's easier said than done, but its the best way. Just from reading your post, I can tell u put him first. put YOURSELF first! He did many horrible things to you his feelings should not even be considered. U deserve someone so much better than this, someone who will acknowledge that he's in a relationship with a wonderful person. And someone who will open up to u and be loyal to you. Please realize how much better u deserve. In the meantime, you WILL get through this. I'm going thru a bad breakup at the moment and im slowly getting through it too. You need to let go, work on yourself and then you will find a great man. Screw him...hes not worth it...really not. Good luck..I hope everything works out in your favor and I'm sure they will.

[yonanz]

OK girl, first of all, U HAVE OUR FULL SUPPORT OK? STAY STRONG!

 

i want you to listen. whenver u have the urge to contact him or feel sad, come in here and post sth! anything! once im in side the forum i will definitely be here to listen help or just have a good chat with you! just rmb, dont dont contact him, and dont be stuck in sad tots the whole day long!

 

i know this sounds trite but im still going to say this. no decent man will make a girl pregnant and then disappear. No decent man will do this. hes being an irresponsible and cowardly jerk. im sorry but i have to be very upfront and honest about this. OK - Love is blind. i know saying this will not take away your grief, but trust me when i say this. after time passes, one day u will meet a better man and realized what a joke this was all about. how stupid and silly u were in trust ing this man and lettinh him run over u again and again. meeting a new guy will add alot of perspective into you, and make u realize this breakup was a blessing in disguise. maybe u cant see it right now, but after time, after u meet someone new, it will all become clear.

 

no serious, committed bf will break off contact anytimes he wants, and then come back as and when he likes. he seems as though hes just making use of ur companionship. this sorta man is not worth being together with, period. its pretty clear-cut to us outsiders, although u might not see it for now.

 

as for how to deal with the hurt, its a process that u have to go through. i just broke up with a gf of 4 years. it hurts like hell ,but tell yourself this. you are not alone. people go through far worst heartbreaks. 10 years. 20 years. millions of people around the world go through some sort of pain - pain of falling out of love, pain of illnesses, pain of losing a love ones...u are not alone! find strength in commiseration, and also in knowing that you are much more fortunate than most! u have a roof over ur head, have 3 eals a day, in good health, have friends and family. these qualities might seem very normal, but in some places, and to some people,these qualities are privileges and luxuries! many people in third way nation dont have clean food, water, are dirt poor, live in overcrowed, unhygienic dorms. some people are bornt with disabiltiies, some people meet debilitating conditions or accidents and lose their limbs...have cancer and go for chemo etc...these are really traumatic pain. u are still a fortunate girl..life is beautiful..embrace it with all its imperfections and pain and hurt....

 

 

take this as a learning opportunity. as i ahve mentoned in another thread, there is any african proverb that goes like this " life is to be learnt backwards but lived forward". we live in the present and for the future, not in the past. this breakup, u might not see it now, but in the future u will see it as a good learning lesson and has made u stronger and wiser.

 

stay strong! we will be here for you~~~

[kind of blue]

Thank you both for your replies. I must say I’ve only just managed to compose myself, after reading your lovely words I started to breakdown in my office, think its just hitting me and having an outsiders view has helped a lot.

 

I know what the ‘relationship’ was to him but I guess I’ve tried to kid myself all this time that he will realise what a great person I am and change - wishful thinking I know. Its just I invested so much of myself in this situation for the last couple of years, I’ve tried to be who he wants but didn’t work. I like to think I’m a fairly attractive 36 year old professional woman, with a very good job, no kids, intelligent, passionate and caring, I guess I keep telling myself what was it about me he never wanted. Deep down inside I always had the feeling I was out of his league, he’s your typical alpha male, who is also very good at being the charmer, women seem to fall at his feet.

 

I know eventually I will get through this, but I fear its going to take a long long time. I know I’m blessed in many other ways but the pain is still there.

 

I’ve nearly got through the day and haven’t contacted him and I shall do my best not to ever again, it just hurts to be replaced so easily with the woman he was always looking for - it just wasn’t me - that’s what I’m finding difficult to accept.

 

Its comforting knowing I have this forum to go through when times are hard - which maybe all the time! lol

[yonanz]

i understand your pain, i truly do. we are all humans.whether or not our partners let us down, that's irrelevant, because ultimately we have invested our emotions and love and time into this and it hurts when its all taken away.

 

it's not really your fault. if this guy doesnt appreciate you, then there will be others who will. you are an attractive working professional and you know this. you do not need to depend on him for happiness. i know its hard, i really do trust me on this one. my gf was my life support for 4 years, and leaving my life is just like pulling the carpet below my feet. i had a nasty fall. but i stood up, and i am gradually regaining my balance, although it takes a while. definitely.

 

its a new chapter, a new adventure. someone out there, somewhere, is waiting for you. think not of what you have lost but what you have gained. think not about what u do not have, but what u have. change ur perspective and readjust ur mindset. stay strong and be well!

[kind of blue]

I'm having a bad day today, feel truly terrible. Think I'm just on a downward spiral of self pity.

Just before he came back into my life he put a profile up on a dating site, he took it off last night - he's obviously serious about this new woman, he never had the decency to take it down when he was seeing me.

It hurts so much to think all I was ever good enough for was sex and some company for him when he was lonely. He never had any compassion, decency, morals or regards for my feelings in the two years I was seeing him, it hurts that I was so worthless to him to treat me like that.

Sorry I just need to vent.

[Kahdeksan]

I'm having a bad day today, feel truly terrible. Think I'm just on a downward spiral of self pity.

Just before he came back into my life he put a profile up on a dating site, he took it off last night - he's obviously serious about this new woman, he never had the decency to take it down when he was seeing me.

It hurts so much to think all I was ever good enough for was sex and some company for him when he was lonely. He never had any compassion, decency, morals or regards for my feelings in the two years I was seeing him, it hurts that I was so worthless to him to treat me like that.

Sorry I just need to vent.

 

This was very difficult for me to read through... Painful. I'm so sorry you are going through all this hurt... Sending you lots of e-hugs!

 

A lot of good advice has been given, and I commend them for sharing their wisdom and experiences with you, and indeed, with everyone else on these forums. However, I am strongly compelled to outline the fact that you gave this idiot everything he wanted. Worse yet, you did so with no strings attached. Literally, you gave away all your rights, your privileges and his respect for you. Ultimately, though - you threw away your own sense of happiness - and gave away your identity.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I’m a firm believer that sometimes it pays well to have a dosage of reality slapped in our face. At times it takes a stranger to do so. Also, I fear that if I don’t outline the above to you in such a manner, deemed harsh. You may resort to contacting him again. Therefore I wish to prevent that from happening. On the same token, I know that I do not have the tangible influence on your choices in this matter. So, my only best option is that I can only give you the advice I deem most suited to your current situation.

 

When you’re more stable, perhaps you should contemplate on the actions and decisions with which you’ve made to avail yourself to him. Taking a look at why you did what you did as well as taking a look into letting go of this horrid example of an emotionally irresponsible man.

 

Your first step now is to grieve, while coming to terms with the loss. Cry out as much as you can, but find a way to intervene that urge of contacting him again from ever happening. Learn to identify that urge, to controlling that anxiety which compels you to simply act out on doing something desperate. Keep reassuring yourself why you have to go through this painful experience, it is so that you can emerge victorious and be empowered by it. If such an experience is easy to wade through, or that it doesn’t affect us as much, we’d NEVER learn from such an experience.

 

Come by here as often as you like, there are many, many wonderful compassionate folks here, who are in the same predicament as you. So write what’s in your heart on these forums but never ever send them to him. No one sensible will judge you. Like with the emailing or texting, there is a thread here where you can write how you feel before sending it again. The idea is to have a good look at what state you’re in by taking a look at your writing.

 

 

 

Nobody deserves to be treated like how he has treated you. So make a stop to this and deprive him that chance of doing so to you.

 

Sending you lots of e-hugs!! Stay strong!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The next day I was a mess, cried non- stop all day and night, I wasn't thinking straight and I did something I am not proud of and feel ashamed of, I emailed the woman he had slept with on holiday - I knew she was an old school friend of his. The reply I got back was unexpected, she said he had told her a lot about me, she knew about my pregnancy - this amazed me, he never spoke to me about it. She said she finds his behaviour interesting and also mine interesting, she said she's known him since school (he is 46 now) so has an idea what he is and what he is not, she basically ended it saying she hoped I can learn to love myself more and stop people treating me so badly.

 

I actually find THIS woman interesting...here she is giving you advice about loving yourself and not having people treat you badly...but here she is, this guy's booty call when he comes to her city..she knows he has a partner, she knows he is scum and yet she spread her legs for him!!! Not only that, but she sends him your emails as if she thinks suddenly she will be in his good books! This guy is slime, he is a womanizer and has no respect for women.

[kind of blue]

Kahdeksan - thank you for your advice. It wasn't harsh, I know I should never have put myself in that situation in the first place, I've tried to walk away so many times, but I just never could do it.

Of course when I first met him he wasn't like that, he was very attentive and swept me off my feet, but then he changed into a cold hearted distant man.

He did many awful things to me, obviously the pregnancy thing was the worse but there was also an incident when I had an argument with him (which very rarely happened to his face) and I walked back to his house, I half expected him to come after me - as he lived a couple of miles away in the middle of nowhere, but he didn't, unfortunately I fell down and injured myself very badly, I was picked up by the police and they took me to the hospital as I had a head injury, I looked a mess and everyone thought I had been hit, the police phoned my parents then went to look for him, apparently they phoned up my parents to say they found him and his attitude was very uncaring, he just kept going on about how he hardly knows me and we're not in a relationship, the police woman actually said to my mother that she was 99 percent sure that he had hit me due to his attitude. This shocked me as I had never seen that side of him, he came to the hospital the next day (the police wouldn't tell him where I was, he had to file a missing persons report) and met my parents for the first time, I think that’s the only time I ever saw a flicker of guilt in his eyes.

Obviously that should have been my wake-up call (it happened a year and half ago) but I just went back making excuses for him.

 

He would never take any responsibility for anything and would always blame me for the situation I got myself into with him. I don't know why I couldn't let him go - don't get me wrong, he wasn't nasty all the time, in fact whenever I saw him he treated me well and we did have good times, I experienced lots of new things with him, he would take me hiking, rock climbing, boating etc… but whenever I left he would go distant again. I always knew I should have let him go but I couldn't bare not having him in my life to some degree.

 

I'm an extremely picky person when it comes to men (obviously not picky enough!), and don't fall for people often, but when I first met him he had that spark for me (obviously it was one sided), I had been on my own for 10 years before that, I was never interested in anybody. But I'm worried now I'm going to have to wait another 10 years for someone to come round that I would have half the attraction for as I did for him, and I'm not getting any younger.

 

I used to be a strong, happy and confident person when I met him, but this situation has worn me down. I'm not sure why I put up with it for so long, people ask me that all the time and if it was one of my friends going through the same thing I would know what advice I'll be giving her. He was just like a drug to me.

I'm not sure how I'm going to cope getting over him…….or why I let someone treat me like that in the first place……..Maybe after time, if I can make it through, the reality of the situation will eventually hit me - I hope it does!

[kind of blue]

I actually find THIS woman interesting...here she is giving you advice about loving yourself and not having people treat you badly...but here she is, this guy's booty call when he comes to her city..she knows he has a partner, she knows he is scum and yet she spread her legs for him!!! Not only that, but she sends him your emails as if she thinks suddenly she will be in his good books! This guy is slime, he is a womanizer and has no respect for women.

 

Crazyaboutdogs - I think maybe she was just drawn to him like a lot of women are. As I said he's very good at being charming, he's exciting, fun, intelligent and good at the old wining and dining, she lives in New Zealand and I think he took her all around the island, so I can imagine what he would have been like, But he's also shallow, unemotional and cold - tho he would never admit that!

 

I knew the 'fling' with her would be nothing to him, she hasn't got the list of requirements he's after. she's 46 with two children, while he's after someone in her early 30s with no kids and at least a university degree - I told you, he's shallow. Of course the new woman holds all these traits - but so did I.

 

I can't blame her for sleeping with him, he had probably told her it was over between us, but obviously she knew what kind of person he is.

Yes I think the timing of her email to him was very calculated - 3 days after his fathers death, she knew he would be in a bad mental state and I definitely think she did it to be in his good books.

To be honest tho he did seem to care about her feelings through it all rather than mine, saying I've ruined peoples life's and all I ever do is make him miserable- tho that maybe had more to do with being angry with me because I actually told her what kind of person he is and what he said about her.

 

Yes he certainly has no respect for women - or maybe its just me he never had respect for.

[kind of blue]

Come to think of it, I think there is something drastically wrong with me to have put up with being treated so disrespectfully.

 

I am having a hard time with not texting him - even tho I know I get ignored, I think the reason I became obsessed is through him not apologising to me for anything he's done, his attitude of its all my fault drives me to do crazy things and I need to stop that behaviour. He twists things round so I actually start to believe that it is me, I know I've played my part but surely he can see he's done something wrong?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Come to think of it, I think there is something drastically wrong with me to have put up with being treated so disrespectfully.

 

I am having a hard time with not texting him - even tho I know I get ignored, I think the reason I became obsessed is through him not apologising to me for anything he's done, his attitude of its all my fault drives me to do crazy things and I need to stop that behaviour. He twists things round so I actually start to believe that it is me, I know I've played my part but surely he can see he's done something wrong?

 

People like him absolutely know that they are doing wrong...they just don't care. People are toys to them. They are like spoiled children throwing toys around the room when they get tired of them. That is how people like him treat others...like inanimate objects to be tossed around for enjoyment and out of sheer boredom. You probably fell for someone like him because there is a side of him which was interesting and fun to be around. Narcissists are like that...they are charming and fun to be around when they want to be....but they get bored of people easily and need to "play" with their "food".

[kind of blue]

People like him absolutely know that they are doing wrong...they just don't care. People are toys to them. They are like spoiled children throwing toys around the room when they get tired of them. That is how people like him treat others...like inanimate objects to be tossed around for enjoyment and out of sheer boredom. You probably fell for someone like him because there is a side of him which was interesting and fun to be around. Narcissists are like that...they are charming and fun to be around when they want to be....but they get bored of people easily and need to "play" with their "food".

 

I think maybe you've described him well. Yes your right I was drawn to the spontaneity, excitement and fun, before getting sucked into the horror story.

 

How he can be fun and loving one day then turn cold, distant and nasty the next is truly amazing - its like Jekyll and Hyde. I only wish I could have stopped myself getting drawn in time after time after time.

 

Knowing he is all these things I should find it easy to move on, but its so not the case.

[freegirl116]

I really feel for you. I understand completely how hard it is to let go of someone especially if you've been with them for a long time and love them, however your situtation is worse than mine and its a testament to your inner strength to see how you've managed to cope so well.

From your story I get the sense that you love this guy so much and you so badly hoped that he would return that love so you made endless excuses for his poor treatment of you, trust me we've all been there but there comes a point where enough is enough. You gave everything you could, there is literally nothing more you can do. Sure, you did some questionable things but don't feel ashamed or bad, we all do crazy things when in love. Last week, I purposely slept with my recently ex boyfriend just to get my revenge as I had heard that 3 weeks after we broke up he'd fell in love with someone else. But like you, I turned over a new leaf and cut him out.

No matter what you think your friends think you need to talk, cry, whine about it to get it out of your system, there will come a point where you will realise that there is nothing you can do about the past, whats happened is done and its time to move forward.

Its scary to think about facing life as a single girl especially when your so used to having someone there... you wonder if your destined to be alone or if youll find someone else but then how did you manage to cope with your single life in all those years before you met him?

You need to go through it all, feel the pain, get angry, cry, scream, think and then when you feel like its enough let it all go. You need to love yourself more than you love him. One day when you fall in love again, that guy will treat you the way you deserve. Its nice to be wanted, to be loved, to be given affection and effort and time not just used for sex or companionship. You need to heal and believe that one day that will come true for you. Stay strong hun, DO NOT GO BACK to that otherwise it becomes an endless cycle. x

[kind of blue]

Thanks freegirl

 

I’m not sure I’m coping well; some days are unbearable while others are just bearable!!

I’m not too bad at the weekdays as I’ve got work to occupy myself with but I must say I’m not looking forward to this weekend, its Easter holidays and I know its going to be so difficult for me. Being the age I am all of my friends have partners and are always busy at the weekends so I’ll probably find myself alone again – and that’s when the problems start. I do force myself to get out, go hiking or something but everything reminds me of him. And of course knowing he’s probably with his new more ‘serious’ woman at the weekend will torture me inside.

 

As I said I do get worried about forever being single, I mentioned before, it took me 10 years to meet someone who I had an attraction to and now I feel time is running out as I’m to choosy, however I would rather be alone forever than not have the sparks I’ve been searching for throughout my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to be in a relationship for a long long long time but this whole situation gave me a wake up call.

 

Your right, it must be wonderful to be wanted, loved and given affection – it’s been so long for me I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I just feel drained.

 

Thank you again, let’s keep up the no contact together!

[freegirl116]

Definitely, lets keep up the NC together!

 

It's funny because with everyday that passes I realise more and more how unsuited my ex and I were. I spent so long making excuses, giving chances, making sacrifices, pouring every little part myself into the relationship at the expense of my friends, family, studies, work and financial situation in the hope that one day he would wake up and realise how much he loved me and change so I wouldn't have to be the one carrying the relationship.

 

Hope is such a fickle thing, it can destroy or save you. You hope for change in relationship so you let the cycle continue to the point where it crosses all boundaries and rules you swore you'd never let it. But once you've healed its that same hope for love which lets you learn to love again.

 

You talk about it taking 10 years to find a guy you were attracted to but I don't think you can put a time limit on finding love. All I can think about right now is finding someone new to erase this pain but I don't ever want to be carried away again. I realised that with this relationship I have no idea who I am. I always thought I was the type of girl who would take no sh** from a guy but when I look at the desperate lengths I went to, the compromises I made... I feel disgusted with myself.

 

I went for a guy with a mental capacity of a teenage boy in a desperate bid to avoid ever having a man who would control and dominate me because I was scared. He was like a baby, easy to control, I did everything for him because of my utter need to control. But love should not be like that.

 

I am so looking forward to the day when I meet a man who is completely besotted with me, wants me, treats me right, makes me feel secure and knows when I need him to run things and knows when to relinquish control when I feel the need to assert my control. A relationship is a committed partnership, not a guy who is just there.

 

My ex knows how I feel, I sent him my closing message via facebook, he knows what happened, what I did for him, everything we went through there is no need to initiate contact to repeat the same things over and over because we go nowhere. I'm sure you ex knows too, history is a hard thing to deny and if he is repressing I'm certain one day it will catch up.

 

Don't hate yourself, noone is blaming you for anything. Please believe that you deserve more because I believe we and anyone who is in a similar position do deserve more. x

[kind of blue]

Thanks freegirl, you sound like your coping well, it seems having experienced what you have you’ve come out leaning a great deal and its making you a stronger and wiser person. I guess we have to take those negatives and turn them into positives.

 

With every day that passes I realise how inhumane he treated me but it doesn’t stop me from wanting him back, however I think the difference is I may want him back but I will NEVER take him back.

 

I just have to try to pull myself through this and stop my negative thoughts, my problem is with my low self esteem and the questions of why was I never good enough, what’s wrong with me etc…. I know everyone comes out of a break-up with a battered ego but my feelings of inadequacy are difficult to cope with, as he gradually ground me down to feel worthless.

However I am feeling strong this evening and I know I will build myself back up again, its just going to take time.

[kind of blue]

Well, I've hit rock bottom. Thought I was doing well and finally accepting I have to move on. But the police came round last night, apparently he put an harassment order on me, he just couldn't let it lie. Feel humiliated and degraded and shocked. I really must be a worthless pile of crap for someone to call the police on me. I can't believe how he's changed, like a different person, I keep telling myself that part of it is to do with his fathers death - still I make excuses!!!

 

I really don't know how I'm going to cope with this feeling of worthlessness.

[torontonotes]

oh god darling- wow. i don't know if i have any words to comfort you-- I know how shocking these harassment charges can be-- and I don't understand how he could do that to you...

 

maybe you should do a bit of self-reflection, did you cross the line in any way?

 

your story is an example of just how fine the "break up dance" is- some (if not most) people push for explanation/reconciliation--- ex's choose to either

a) take it to heart

b) ignore it and move on or

c) use it against you (i.e legal action)

 

please make sure you talk this out, even if it means with people on the boards.

[kind of blue]

Thank you so much for you reply. I feel so ashamed that its come to this. I haven’t had contact with him since going round to his house last Saturday and its just a slap in the face that he felt he had to go to extremes such as that. My friends have said it’s a power and control thing with him, but I don’t know and I don’t care anymore.

 

I’m still stunned that it came to this. Yes I know (as I said before) I did things I should not have done and regretted those actions but I never in a million years thought he would do something so horrid to me.

 

I know i have to try to get over this, which is so difficult……he said so many times that I’ve ruined his life - looking back I’ve done some things that I would take back in a heartbeat, but its been out of frustration and never getting any answers from the man - well his made his feelings well and truly clear, and its incredible to me that he has acted this way.

 

I’m finding it difficult to deal with the embarrassment and humiliation of it all. To make matters worse I have a CRB check this month which I know I’m now going to fail due to my ‘police record’ - I can hardly believe I’m typing that!!! It goes to show you never really know a person.

 

I’ve done some really stupid things in the last few weeks, but looking back on what I’ve been though I think its justified to some extent.

 

I just feel like there’s no point to anything anymore, I hate myself so much that its come to this…….

 

I don’t know what more to say. But again, thank you very much, it means a great deal when someone replies to my messed up life!

[torontonotes]

Darling-

 

We've all done things we are ashamed of.... I still cringe when I think of how I behaved with my first boyfriend in Uni.... let's just say, it also ended with people in uniform.

 

I'm nearing 30 and i'm still a very passionate and persistent person.... Like I said, it's very difficult to decipher when to persist...

 

For some of us, it is our nature to show up at their home, wanting to see them- wanting closure- wanting an explanation. Some of us might call, wanting to hear their voice, again seeking answers. Some of us might be jealous, of their new object of affection and try our hardest to dissolve that... There is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is not- Trust me- most of us have been there, done that.

 

There is a reason why people plead "temporary insanity" for crimes of passion- because, truly- the emotions that accompany a scorned lover are difficult to control.

 

I understand whats going on. I dont want you to apologize to any of us here reading thing.... But I want you to be ok. I really really do, my heart goes out to you. I want to make sure you're not alone- even though at this time, you probably want to be alone.

 

Although I do not know what has happened to warrant the harassment charges- I hate that he took it to that level- but sometimes, drastic measures must be taken- whether justified or not. I can't believe that he would do that without warning you... but please understand that this is a wake up call to you.

 

You shouldn't feel humiliated- people will forget-- people will have something else to talk about in a week or two.... and you will likely, be like me- looking back and cringing on this episode 10 years from now.

[kind of blue]

I don’t think I did anything to deserve the harassment order, I really don’t. My story and what I did is posted at the beginning of this thread, the only thing I’ve done since is after joining this site and reading the replies I got, I decided it was finally time to let go of this emotionally abusive man.

I sent him one final text on Tuesday, nothing nasty, basically saying how disappointed I am that it ended with so much anger and hate toward me, I did say I’m not going to apologise anymore for any of my actions, when you look at all the terrible things you've done to me you should be apologising, what I did is nothing in comparison. I said I don’t need him anymore and I’m moving on.

 

He contacted the police the next morning.

 

I honestly think the guy has got a screw lose to be so callous and cold. Once more he thinks he’s the victim in everything and its all my fault, he just has no guilt at all and that’s what I hate him for, for taking no responsibility for anything and blaming me.

[kind of blue]

Struggling tonight, feeling low again. Thinks its because its the first time i've been on my own for the past few days, so i'm having to absorb what has happened.

I'm a good person, I really am, I didn't deserve any of this - thats my mantra for tonight.

Suppose i'll have another glass of wine and another cigarette...

[DN]

I think it is really important that you do not contact him gain. First, because he doesn't seem to be worth it but secondly because you could get into a lot of trouble. Even the facts that you have outlined here don't look good if they were to be brought into court even though a lot of people would understand why you acted as you did. But you were asked/told to leave him alone and you did not and that is why the police acted.

 

Your best interests are to make sure you leave him alone and find someone else. No matter what the temptation don't contact him again in any way.

[yonanz]

he's just a player, u fell for the wrong guys, i'm sorry you have to meet a person like him.

 

its ok to feel low. i felt low yesterdayn ight and today morning after days of feeling happy and confident. ..its really an emotional rollar coaster. sometimes when ur alone ur mind begins to wander off to those damn memories which you are trying to shake off. allow yourself to grieve but then cut it short, dont allow yourself to dwell on it! i cried for a min or so, thought about it for about 15 minutes, then i continued in my daily schedule. dont let the thoughts bring your life down. at least in your case, you dont deserve having your life's potential diminished because of this jerk. hugs and stay strong!