Im the other man......

[lionquack]

still hanging in there. had one of my 'attacks' last night. Still NC.

 

I have been keeping myself so busy to keep my thoughts off her that i am constantly tired.

 

The fact of the matter is I still have feelings for her. Wish they would go as I have 2 possible new ladies in my sight (who are single) But don't feel it is fair to go into another relationship until I am truly over her.

 

Why does she still pop in my mind? Its been 3 months since she left the country now. My mind wanders into the time we spent together. It was PERFECT. I have never known love like this. This is why I am finding it hard. I guess its normal.

[turnera]

Please remember that what you felt was dictated by your body's CHEMICALS. The same chemicals that get us to lust and procreate. They are literally a drug. So what you saw, felt, remembered, was an alteration of real life, hopped up on drugs. Of course it was perfect - your chemicals made you FEEL like it was perfect. You also had the THRILL of cheating, that rush you get when you escape the authorities. And you also did NOT have the day-to-day doldrums of everyday life with a MARRIED spouse, including paying bills, figuring out how to get the kids to all their appointments and classes, holding your spouse's head over the toilet when they have the flu, dealing with in-laws...all the 'boring' stuff that goes along with a REAL relationship - you NEVER EXPERIENCED IT.

 

All YOU TWO had was the whipped cream, not the coffee. The cake, not the spinach. Of course it was perfect.

 

Your best bet is to look for an AVAILABLE best friend who can become your soulmate, and you can experience that same high, but with someone whose life you won't ruin because she's unavailable.

 

Congratulations on NC, btw. Really proud of you.

[lionquack]

thanks Turnera. Your words are very helpful to me.

[mikem]

Yep, that sense of 'perfection' was the fantasy side of it. The relationship didn't have any grounding in reality, as far as dealing with day-to-day issues of being in a committed relationship with someone. It has a strange effect on your view of them. Had a long-distance relationship with a lady, and it was unclear if she was seeing someone else.

 

Anyway, after the breakup, there was that element of remembering our times we shared together. It lacked that grounding of previous relationships, because we saw so little of each other, face-to-face.

 

The previous relationship I was in, we saw each other all the time. When we broke up, the break up had a context of reality.

 

When I broke up with the last lady I was with, in whom we had a long distance relationship (and a bunch of questions surrounding it), it lacked that 'reality' context. Your mind sort of 'fills in the blanks' and there is a lot of fantasy and imagination involved in 'filling in the blanks'. It's your minds way of making the relationship seem normal to you.

 

Anyway, the 'perfection' you were referring to was the 'picture' of the relationship you had in your mind. However, it lacked that context of reality. Number one being - she was married and committing adultry with you! Ugh!

 

Anyway, hang in there. Overtime, your healing will get stronger and she will seem more and more in the 'rearview mirror'. Plus a strange thing happens. You start to see them for who they really are and you start to put them back into a more realistic context. They sort of get 'smaller' in your mind over time and you realize you deserve far better in a relationship...

 

It goes from head knowledge that 'you deserve better' to heart knowledge when you 'know' you deserve better. That transition eventually takes place...God bless..

[Dusk Till Dawn]

She isn't and wasn't the one true love of your life, True love isn't filled with lies and deceit it's not a dirty little secret. You should re-read your list and see again why she was never right for you.

[lionquack]

Wow.....its been a while since I posted.

 

Allots happened. I am hoping the OM reading this can learn from this thread.

 

She is officially separated from her husband. He is back in the UK and she in her country with her child. they are not divorced but he is proceeding with it as he told her he can NEVER trust her again. he wont' let he return to the Uk in fear she will see me again.

 

We had been in low contact as 'friends'. I was moving on and getting out there dating and having fun. However I still wanted her in my life as a friend as this is how we started out.

 

The truth is I am deeply in Love with this women and miss her terribly. She is depressed and unhappy too.

 

She asked me to visit her. I told her I did not think it was a good idea until she has her divorce settled. She begged and cried.

 

So I went to visit her at the beginning of July for a week. She arrnaged for her child to be with her mother and I went.

 

It was amazing and like a honeymoon. We shared a very special time together. But we both needed this time together. My own reasons for going were to get my closure.

 

When I returned it was very difficult for both of us as we knew we have a true love and miss each other terribly.

 

However, it was also a learning experience for me as I learnt she is co-dependant on her spouse. He is controlling her life.

 

A few weeks passed and life started to get back to normal for me. I was dating again but the truth is I am waiting for her.

 

Now recently she has found out her husband has a new women. I was out one night and saw him with her and they seemed very much like a couple. This has caused her to have mixed feeligns. For the first time she told me she can never forget him and thats she thinks she loves him and me.

 

I was distruaght to hear this and have gone NC now for 3 days.

 

Its been 5 months since she left and she done nothing to solve or move on from this mess.

 

My mistake is I made myself available to her but now I have got close to a women who has great qualities and is single. I want to focus my attention towards her......

[Sanesoul]

Please do. This married woman has been nothing but a big ball of drama for you. Stay NC with her, and persue the other girl.

[turnera]

Find a woman who has morals and won't cheat on her husband. And maybe you can learn those morals from her by osmosis.

[Raoul]

Let's see. You won't do NC. You've blown up her family, put her child at risk and trapped her in another country.

 

She is 'in love' with you and him. She lies, cheats. Her now ex-husband 'controls her life'.

 

Have you thought of selling the rights to this drama for a television show? Or has this whole thread been the work of a troll for your entertainment?

 

So long as you believe that what you're doing is outside your control (and even thinking), this will continue. You are not addicted to or in love with her. You are a simple drama queen creating and sustaining this rollercoaster for your own entertainment.

 

The fantasy of life-with-her can never compete with reality. Yet, you seek the fantasy at every turn and take every opportunity to keep this going.

 

For her part, she's using you to promote and sustain her own drama. How can you trust anything she says? You (and her family) are simply being consumed by this woman for completely selfish reasons.

 

Like 'Lost' a few pges back, this is my final entry in this thread. If this thread is real, you and this fantasy are a simple testament to wanting drama more than a real life or relationship.

 

You've sown the whirlwind, you will harvest only the wind.

 

Raoul

[AloneInDark]

Can you see that she isn't doing anything with her M. How long do you plan to wait for her, 1, 5, or 10 years.

[SpeedingCars]

This woman is just BAD NEWS for you. It kinda played out how someone mentioned earlier in this thread...once the initial thrill of having both men is gone, and she's stuck with one, she'll get bored.

 

Please stick with NC.

[Imprecision]

The correct solution is to tell her: I won't be seeing you again unless you agree to divorce your husband.

 

Edit: Ah, I see I haven't read your update. I'll respond later after I read it.

[Nikki_]

I find it laughable that you claim you are both morlaistic people. CLEARLY you are not. This is not to say you are bad people, but you are certainly not moralistic. She is betraying her husband and her children, and you are disrespecting her husband and children by carrying on with this affair. You say that you sometimes feel like the 'other man'. Well, maybe it's because you are, and you have accepted this role by partaking in this affair. You can't complain when she puts her family first, it's her family!!!

Having said that, you are right to feel this is going nowhere. Save youself more heartache and end it. I do hope you make the right decision for yourself.

 

Peace...

[greywolf]

What you describe is not love. People that love each other want the best for each other. They don't try to destroy each other's lives.

[lionquack]

The affair is over

 

We are both friends. I have moved on and am happy with someone now. She has made amends with her husband 7 months after she told him of the affair. Everyones happy.

 

To anyone in an affair you cant get out of.....you can...I am proof of that. It helped she was in another country. It would have been much more difficult otherwise.

[turnera]

Great work. Really proud of you now.

[Longview01]

The affair is over

 

We are both friends. I have moved on and am happy with someone now. She has made amends with her husband 7 months after she told him of the affair. Everyones happy.

 

To anyone in an affair you cant get out of.....you can...I am proof of that. It helped she was in another country. It would have been much more difficult otherwise.

 

I wish more people would update like you have, good for you in moving on with your life and finding happiness with someone else!

[Starrgrl]

everyone's happy? Doubt it. The husbund is now traumatised, and still being with her is not helping him mentally or emotionally. The woman is kinda messed up, don't think she'll get better that fast.

[miracle29]

woops old post. Sorry

[miracle29]

I find it laughable that you claim you are both morlaistic people. CLEARLY you are not. This is not to say you are bad people, but you are certainly not moralistic. She is betraying her husband and her children, and you are disrespecting her husband and children by carrying on with this affair. You say that you sometimes feel like the 'other man'. Well, maybe it's because you are, and you have accepted this role by partaking in this affair. You can't complain when she puts her family first, it's her family!!!

Having said that, you are right to feel this is going nowhere. Save youself more heartache and end it. I do hope you make the right decision for yourself.

 

Peace...

 

Not BAD people but BAD BEHAVIOR, ya know. She seems really selfish to me. I doubt she's done having her cake, who knows how many slices she's had!