Im the other man......

[lionquack]

Here's my story.....

 

I am a single guy who is successful in dating and have no problems getting single women.

 

I got friendly with a women who I found instantly striking. I knew she was different and was NOT instantly attracted to her ...it was somthing else. She told me from day one she is married for 6 years and has a child of 3. We became good friend very quickly and were soon spending allot of time together.

 

One night we were out and had shared a great evening together. It felt like we were actually dating as there is allot of flirting and as we are dancers there is allot of body contact.

 

That night about 2 months into our friendship I kissed her goodbye on the lips as opposed to her cheek. We ended up in a passionate embrace but nothing happened apart from kissing.

 

From this point onwards its been like an emotional rollercoaster. This is when the cracks in her marriage appeared. She told me she has been unhappy in her marriage for 2 years and is only with her husband as he is the father of her child. She claims they no longer have a sexual relationship but has been married now for 6 years. I believe her as every night she calls me and sleeps in the spare room.

 

Now 4 months on we are in love. it feels great but the situation is not. She is aprehensive to leave her husband as she she does not want to break the family unit. I also think she feels I am a womeniser. I accept this is partly true but since I have met her its been ONLY her.

 

We have tried to split 3 times as we both are moralistic people and understand this is wrong as she is married. However, we both end up coming back to each other within hours.

 

I want her as she is so caring, loving, generous, beautiful. Alll the qualities I look for.

 

She has told her husband about us and he has caught her out but keeps giving her chances to finish it. He loves her too otherwise he would not forgive her.We are both unable to stop. It feels like we are made for each other.

 

Sometimes I feel like the other man as the family comes first.

 

She has today left to go home to Poland for 2 weeks to visit family in Europe. I miss her dearly already and she has been uncontrolably crying all weekend as she loves me and will miss me. It makes my heart bleed as she is stuck and torn between her lover and her family. I feel she is more into me than i am into her But I do love her. But am confused to where I stand with her. When i ask her who imam she replies 'you are my love'. She told me she has never felt so strongly in love with me than anyone else in her life.

 

I thought I would post on ENA to get some opinions? positive or negative....

 

I find this situation very difficult and cant find it in myself to walk away form this as sometimes I feel it is not going anywhere.

[Hermes]

Lionquack:

 

Now there's one lady who is having her cake, plus extra icing on top, and also is eating it!!

She's swinging you, and her husband, like a pair of puppets.

But then you know that, I am sure.

 

Hermes

[wildchild1]

I have been in a situation close enough to the one like you are currently in. I'll keep it simple and say you should let her go. Best case scenario if you can call it that is that she leaves her husband, and child and runs off with you. She will have destroyed her family and in the mean while, you will most likely be wondering not if but when she will fall out of love with you. Whatever issue she has with her husband and marriage, you shouldn't be the outside force continuing to pull her out of the marriage.

[Tarkan]

We have tried to split 3 times as we both are moralistic people and understand this is wrong as she is married. However, we both end up coming back to each other within hours.

 

Myeh, I smell some irony in this.

 

But who are we to judge ? Feelings just happen. But you can control them !

The above advise is a good one. She isn't happy with her husband. In that case, why isn't she sorting out things with him ? Does he even know she is unhappy ? I think she's somewhat misleading you by making you to believe that you are the saviour that is supposed to get her out of this mess.

 

It's still tricky. Destroying her marriage would be bad for the child. My parents are divorced and I can tell you that it can be hell for children. On the other hand, staying in an unhealthy relationship is bad aswell and can result in problems for the kid aswell.

 

You know what's the problem ? People don't think before they marry or have children. Geez ...

 

Anyway, I'd advice you thou this: Let her sort out her problems with her husband first. She has to do this on her own. She's unhappy ? She should talk about it and try to do something about it. If she decides to leave him and you're still attracted to her, then maybe you could still try with her.

 

One last question: You can get any single woman. Why her ?

[lionquack]

Tarkan:

 

These are the kind of responses I was percieving I would get.

 

She has tried to sort things out with her husband. he knows she has been unhappy for a while but ignored it and has taken her for granted. Now hes realised he has allot to lose he IS trying but she does not want to know now as she is in love with me.

 

I do not want to take the blame for destroying her marriage but feel it was already on the verge of being over.

 

I think if there was no child involved she would walk without a blink of an eye.

 

Oh and I cant get ANY single women but am successful when I try.

 

Why her? She is amazing in every way. The only thing that is not amazing is the situation.

[wildchild1]

She has tried to sort things out with her husband. he knows she has been unhappy for a while but ignored it and has taken her for granted.

 

The only ones that know what happens behind closed doors are them. Human nature is people tend to downplay their part in something that goes wrong. She is feeding you the oldest adultery line in the book. So I wouldn't take everything she says as dogma. Let them sort out there business without any outside stressors. They are not boyfriend/girlfriend, they are husband and wife, even though she doesn't respect that, does not mean that you can't. In addition, you don't need the extra drama in your life,

[Clarity]

If she's so amazing in every way, why would she do this to her husband, and her child? Why not either end the marriage properly before looking elsewhere for love, or try to work on the marriage.

 

You are idealizing this woman due to your infatuation.

[Momake]

Drop her with the intention of getting back together with her AFTER she divorces/separates from her husband. If the marriage truly is over the only way to ensure that you have *nothing* to do with it - or little as possible - is to take yourself out of the picture and let nature take its course... you have to convince HER you're out of the picture.

 

My personal opinion is she will stick with her hubby if you're out of the picture - and there goes your her "marriage is on the verge of being over" argument. However, if she does leave him... then I believe you have a chance - albeit, a small one.

[lionquack]

thank you for the responses so far. To be honest I have been thinking of many of the opinions myself and there is not much doubt in my mind that if I was not on the scene she would remain in her unhappy marriage for the sake of the child.

 

Maybe now she is on holiday visiting family for 2 weeks it may be a good time to go NC. She has initiated contact with me twice already and only been gone 6 hours.

 

The thing is I feel bad as I know she loves me deeply....I feel it. But I love her too.....

[Sanesoul]

Cheating aside--this woman is looney. Crying uncontrolably because she will miss you for two weeks?

 

Not normal.

 

Try to salvage your dignity and get out of this. You've already hurt a bunch of people, but you need to remove yourself from the situation. Let her deal with her own life and mess.

[wildchild1]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Don't be there when her house of cards comes crashing down. More importantly, you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing you weren't involved.

[lionquack]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Don't be there when her house of cards comes crashing down. More importantly, you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing you weren't involved.

 

I can't have that a good head on my shoulders.....I let myself get involved with a married women when I have a choice of single women.

 

She is just very different to all the other women I have be with in the past 3-5 years.

 

I have never dated a mother before and she has that motherly instinct which has been missing from my life since my mother passed away 6 years ago.

[FarthestEdge]

thank you for the responses so far. To be honest I have been thinking of many of the opinions myself and there is not much doubt in my mind that if I was not on the scene she would remain in her unhappy marriage for the sake of the child.....

 

Ok, so basically, she lets other people determine her happiness? She will stay with her husband if you leave, simply because there is no one else there to hold her up? So she is incapable of standing on her own two feet?

 

Think this through, do you really want the 'responsibility' of being the reason she turned her life upside down, and destabilized her childs environment? If the marriage is irreparable, then she should leave because of that, not because there is someone else to go to. If her marriage IS reparable, she will not find out, because you are giving her an escape, and an excuse to not try and mend it.

 

So what happens when your affair turns into everyday life, and you discover that your not so happy being a part-time step parent, and not so happy with the realities of a full time relationship with her..."I gave up EVERYTHING for you" she'll say...

 

There is an innocent child in the middle of this. She's acting like an irresponsible adolescent and no one is thinking about the child. She OWES her child EVERY effort to salvage her marriage and find a way to be happy in it. She can't do that with you blurring the picture, giving her some unrealistic "happily ever after" notion of what it would be like to run away with you.

 

Get out of this mess & stay out. It doesn't matter if her marriage is a complete nightmare- it's hers to salvage or escape- on her own- not with you, not for you, and not because of you. If she needs to leave, it should be because she needs to leave, NOT because she thinks the grass is greener on your lawn.

[FarthestEdge]

I have never dated a mother before and she has that motherly instinct which has been missing from my life since my mother passed away 6 years ago.

 

Oh Lord.

 

So you're looking for a mother figure, and she's looking for an escape?

 

Her motherly instinct is wanting IMO- she is putting her wants before her child's needs.

 

She needs to mother her child, not you.

You need to have a relationship with a woman who adds to your life, not a replacement for your mother.

 

This is all sorts of wrong.

[lionquack]

Farthestedge,

 

Everything you say is valid. I just need to find a way to stop this. I think I have the perfect opportunity to do this now she is away in another country. Easier said than done.

 

I believe her child should come first also.

[RobD70]

This is how these things tend to play out. It’s almost a cliché.

 

The woman leaves her husband and either stays with a friend/family for a bit or goes directly to the affair partner. It’s all great at first then you both start to realize that you are not as compatible as you first thought. Affairs are fantasies and nothing kills that fantasy faster than the reality of moving in together. Right now you both are in fantasy land which is magnifying all the good traits and hiding all the bad.

 

After a couple of months or so things start to fall apart and she leaves to reconcile with her husband. Depending on the man and timing, she may not ever talk to you again or after a couple months start trying to see you on the side or leave her husband again but not move in with you.

 

How do I know this? Besides my wife doing this I’ve read and personally seen this play out dozens of times. People are surprising predictable when put in certain situations.

[Hermes]

Agree with you 100 per cent RobD. I was almost about the write the same post as you!

It is just a fantasy, Mustang, and the reality of living with this woman, and her child, would soon take the sheen off the situation.

 

Take care

Hermes

[lostandhurt]

Okay,

You both would like to be moral people but currently you are not. Simple fact.

She is married and hasn't left her husband when you weren't around and still hasn't when you have been around. Simple fact.

What she is living with you is a fanasty. It is not real. She spends time with you and has sex and then goes home to the man that is providing security and a father figure for their child. There is no day to day things going on between you two, just fantasy. Wouldn't it be nice if marriage was just meeting on the side all the time without all the life part that goes with it.

If this is true love then it will survive while she divorces her husband. During this time you need to be in no contact with her. This is her marriage to end and she has chosen to betray her husband so the next step must be hers alone.

Go about your life and IF she is single then you may have a REAL relationship with her one day. Right now you are just being used to spice up her life.

 

Be the moral person you want to be instead of just saying it.

 

Lost

[boo121]

well clearly if you were that good at dating, (get any women, any time, any place) then u wldnt need to pursue this relationship with her. But you shld drop her. I know you won't though lets just hope karma doesn't work for you

[Annie123]

i was the other woman, just like you met someone really attracted, everything was amazing...guess what when given an ultimatum they stay with their spouses and we're left on a limb...not knowing what hit us.

 

she'll never leave her hubby, you need to leave her and move on. i felt just like you, like i was in love and everything was perfect, we just clicked and got on amazingly, barely fought....everything was fantastic

 

we were living in a fantasy bubble, i burst it and reality hit in. i know what you mean about the trying to split and walk away and how painful it can be.....been there and done it.....we were togther same period of time as you are...took me 8 weeks, but i am so better of.....trust me if i can do it so can you...we're here to help and talk to whenever you need it.

 

give her an ultimatum if you really want to be with her and see a future together, if she feels the same then she'll choose you if her family is more important then she won't and you have your answer, may not be the one you want but at least you know where you stand.

 

good luck

 

annie

[arcadefire]

I've definitely read this story again and again here on these boards. Married woman (or man) has her cake but uses the "family" excuse as a reason to not leave her husband. Old story repeated time and time again. I would highly recommend perusing through these pages in this section of the forum to relate. You are not alone.

 

You need to know that she will never, ever be yours. She is refusing to leave her husband because she can have you on the side, with no repercussions at all from her husband. If not you, it will be someone else. She is emotionally manipulative, and the more time you spend pining for her, the less time you have actually finding a respectable and loving woman who can actually be called your girlfriend. For you this woman has no label (what is she, 'the married woman I am seeing'?), and for her you are just her 'mistress'.

 

You don't want to be a home wrecker. Find someone who won't play these mind games with you, and who can give you her entire heart. This woman will never give you hers because her husband already has it, symbolized in their marriage license and child.

 

And even if she should stay with you, how would you know for sure that she won't find another man on the side, just as you were to her husband? If she has the immoral instinct to commit infidelity, she probably has the same capacity to do the same to you down the road.

 

I would definitely suggest the ultimatum advice to gauge her true intentions with you. If you two are really "meant to be", then she would for sure ditch her husband in a heartbeat (or at least earlier when she is "in love" with you). If she wavers again, you have your answer.

[lionquack]

I have read all the responses over and over and would like to thank all those who have contributed.

 

It breaks my heart to accept that she will never be mine and the fact I agree with most of what has been said and that this may be a fantasy.

 

I too have questioned that if she is willing to cheat on her husband would she eventually cheat on me? He rresponse is 'I never knew I would fall in love with you...I thought we would be friends only'. Thinking back before we slept together she said it would ruin everything if we were to sleep together. Its not like she jumped in bed with me straight away. She held back.

 

I don't think she is manipulating me as she bends over backwards to meet with me and we have met EVERYDAY for the past 2 months.

 

Yesterday was the longest day we have been apart as she has flown back home with her husband and child for 2 weeks.

 

I made no attempt to contact her as I wanted to keep busy at work to stop me thinking about her. She called me 3 times yesterday. She sensed something was wrong and was very upset. I was upset as I had read the comments posted on this thread but told her I am just tired. She told me she misses me so much and loves me. I do too as I know and feel it from her.

 

Even though she is still married I feel I have her heart fully. I think love has been absent from her life for a while and she has found that with me (or maybe a way out). I don't think 'the family' is an excuse it is a problem for both of us. She does not want to ruin the bond between her son and the father by splitting with him. However, she knows a change must come soon as I think she knows deep down I am not going to be hanging around for long and knows I am fed up with the sneaking around, coming around at silly hours.

 

I don't want to giver her an ultimatum I simply want to to tell her that this can't continue as it is any longer as it is not fair on her me, her husband and their child.

 

I would stress she try to work on her manage and if she deems she can no longer be in the marriage so be it...but ON HER BACK. I will tell her I go about my life and IF she is single then we may have a REAL chance of a relationship.

 

But I have to find the courage to do so......

[lionquack]

I did it....I did not sleep well at all last night as I have been thinking this is well overdue but its because of my selfishness that i have not been able to do this.

 

I called her this morning and told her we cant carry on like this anymore whilst she is married as it is not fair and wrong.

 

I went onto to say if she is to become single then there is a chance for us but she must try to work on her marriage first.

 

She was very very upset. I feel numb and sedated from this. However,I think it will be a little easier now then the last 3 times we have tried to break up as we cant go running to each other as easily as she is in another country.

 

God I hope I have done the right thing.

[Hermes]

Lionquack:

 

I think you have taken your courage in both hands and done this. If nothing else it will pull her up sharply and get her to ponder the situation (hopefully).

 

Hermes

[Annie123]

Lionquack................you have done the right thing, just remember its going to hurt more than anything now, because you got use to the contact and being with her.

 

trust me when i say you'll get through this. i was where you are 8 weeks ago, i was crying, having panic attacks, not working, sleeping, eating, ended up seeign a counsellor.

 

but i got through it, there were so many times i thought there is no way i'm going to get through this i'd rather stop the pain and go bac to him now. but i didn't i held out..i'm so glad i did i feel good, got closure and starting to look forward to meeting someone new...which happens to be this weekends thanks to meddling family and friends...lol..but its all good, had they asked me8 weeks ago i would have said no thanks and carried on living in my fake fantasy of soemthing that could never be.....but now i'm lookign forward to it, thinking about what i'm going to weat.

 

you'll get through it, this forum really helped me, trust me your not alone and things will get better.

 

annie