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What am I missing here? Am I all at fault??


JC345

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Sorry its so long! Please bear with.... as I really need some help right now as I am as down as I have ever been.

 

She has me absolutely killing myself inside right now. She is 5 years younger, extremely beautiful... and I am in my early thirties, house, job, etc. We had been together now approaching 2 years. Officially broke up last night. Note: Her Dad was never around growing up and she and her mom have admitted that has really affected her.

 

First year or so was long distance. We started off very fast, and we clicked right away and we both felt that we had finally found the one we were so desperately looking for. It was a wonderful feeling for the both of us and we were ready for the journey. It was great, but only on weekends and we had to squeeze it all in in a short amount of time. Lots of pressure there. Things got a bit tough eventually, and I definitely found I could have done better at meeting her needs then. But my love never faded one bit and never has. I didnt treat her bad, we had great times, and I supported her while she was trying to finish up school. But to her it was missing something. We ended up splitting up (she did it to me via text out of nowhere) then after she said she couldnt do it anymore. She really did love me so much and just felt I was distant and didnt meet all the emotional needs. I blamed it on distance, and that things would be much better, and I wanted to work on those things. I did state after I got her back that I needed more communication from her on things that werent making her happy and it is STILL a two way street. To me, she kinda dropped and ran on us.

 

Anyway, I promised it would be all better after she graduated and moved here. Well, she did....and they did. We were off again and running. She moved in w me and a roommate who helps pay bills and lived for free while she got acclimated. Things were wonderful... at least thats what I was thinking. I mean I even asked and she said that she was definitely happy and felt that we really did take that next step that was void before. So progress right? Nice! She even said thank you for not giving up on her. I was getting more comfortable and confident in us again. And this was to be forever. I was working on all of the things she wanted me to. So a few months go on, we talk about marraige, kids, she says I should even ask my Dad for the family ring he has in possession for her. So all this time I have no doubt. Well, things deteriorated for me a bit. Job got down and money got down in these times. I let it affect me and my happiness a bit. Even still, we had good times, tickle fights to tears, made dinners. But I did say no to park, picnics, going out more as I was stressed out and became a bit lame. I mean, it was standard ups and downs of living together from my point of view. Even still, I was confident in her, our love and out future. Guess I was just naive.

 

THEN, after a trip to visit my family this past weekend (where she even said a prayer thanking God for me, my family, us, etc for us before we went to sleep)... she went back home for a day. She came back last Tue and I was feeling sick and in a bad mood. We kinda kept to the other side of the house and I went to bed after her. The next day, I get a call at work... and she has packed up all her stuff and left. She says she loves me so much, but we are going down. Things like I didnt make the bed ever, or this one time I didnt open the door for her? Like a bunch of little stuff all being thrown at me. I was shocked, but I was like... I understand, and maybe this can be good for us. She said you do? And she agreed that yes, it would be the best thing for us. She said she does love me. She was worred about me not coming over to her, visiting, dating, and just texting instead,etc. I said I still love her and want to see her even tonight, Friday for dinner and even Church on Sunday. I am not really devastated, and think this is something we will work out no problem. Just a fine tuning for me,etc.

 

So, later when I get home... all her stuff is GONE. Well, I sent her a text saying how seeing all her stuff gone really does hurt, and she responded saying I know this hurts her too, her longest day ever,etc. Not a bad response, and I sent another one stating that I am kinda shell shocked about how all this went down. I mean she picked up and left with out any face to face discussion. I didn't cheat on her or anything like that. Then she went off via texts. Stating this episode I was late to her friends party, or I said no to picnics, or no to walking in park with her. She said she still loved me, but that its gonna take a miracle and that I should start praying. And I was trying to adhere and say the right things and that I need to reflect on my actions, work on changing, etc... and she still was going off text after text. I was shocked how this was going downhill in a hurry. She said I didnt respect her, this and that, like she was a different person from earlier and what we had planned. I said that not true, I do. She said if you did we wouldnt be in this position. I said I will show her, she said my show is over, that if I havent changed when we were together... I never would. And that she has been so patient with me. Im thinking wow, I cant say anything right and that she is basically almost breaking up with me.

 

Well, I just basically stopped texting and left it at that. I was upset at how she went about things after all the time we have had, and all the things she said and talked about. We always said I love you all the time. Was I wrong to back off and stop contact? Well, then I get a text saying she needs to get something she left in my car... are we still meeting tomorrow? I had actually thought we were beyond that original planned dinner on Fri. But great! Its back on.

 

Well, she dumped me. She first asked why I didnt call her over the past day or so after it started... like that proved I didnt have the connection she spoke of. I mean, was I really supposed to call her that night after the things she texted me? Did I drop the ball, or is that just an excuse?? She got mean, says she cant marry me, and she doesnt want to settle. Settle for me? Sure my job has got me down lately and money is tight... but settle??? Ouch. I try to tell her how did I make progress for her to say that we got to next level, then say I never changed really, or that I dont respect women (get real on that one), that is so far from the truth, and this and that, and something from over a year ago she carried with her. I mean I cant win, she has something in place for everything.

 

I try to beg her not to do this. She says she still loves me. Says this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do in her life, crying,etc.. I keep telling her these are all things that can be fixed and we can work on. Saying that this is just another case of her putting all these things she added up on me and dumping them right on me then running away. That we needed to work on communication, keep it open as I stressed after the first time we split. I told her I dont want to be with anybody else. And she said I dont want to be with anybody else either when she was in tears and it was close to the end. Well, she did end it no matter what I said or did. It was terrible... and I felt like a fool in the parking lot. Also, why dinner to officially break up??

 

In 2 days it was Im going to stay at a freinds for a couple weeks, you didnt open doors (I always did but one time I forgot and it slammed in her face or something?? she remembers), make the bed ever (she never did either).... to we are missing the connection, I dont look in her eyes long enough, not talking enough, and all of this stuff. Could we have ever taken it to the next level, or her talking about marrying me if we never did any of that. Am I really that bad???

 

I did leave her a VM that night later and her phone was turned off. Mistake? Probably? But from the past, it seems I have found she finds it confirming if I dont chase her, or that if Im not calling that it must not hurt me, and then whatever. Its almost like she wants me to crawl to her. She said its over, I said I will never give up. She is going to have to tell me to eff off forever to get me to stop. I told her my love for her is too much and I will not give up on her.

 

 

I cant stop beating myself up for the things she dumped on me that I did wrong.... when only recently I was so sure we were gonna get married.

 

Is this all me? Is she scared of something? Will she cut and run forever? I am so confused.

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I'm so sorry, you sound so shocked... I don't have any answers I'm afraid cos everyone is different. The only thing I can have a guess at is, she broke up over dinner cos it was public, with other people around.

 

From my point of view, nothing you have described sounds as though you 'got it wrong' (I mean, not contacting her, etc). But from her point of view maybe you did; there's nothing YOU can do about that, you can only be who you are and do the things YOU would do.

 

You are right about the communication being sadly lacking, and to be honest, this is a huge barrier to any chances of a successful relationship.

 

I wonder if she is interested in someone else? That would explain the 'settling' remark. OR else she is not someone to stand by you when you are going through difficulties, which in my opinion would mean she is not the right person for you.

 

Of course, we only have your side of things here.

 

Just vent if you need, be aware that we don't have 'the answer' especially as we are only going on what you say, but I'm sure people will be kind and hear you out, which is sometimes the main thing we need.

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That's a lot to take in, but it sounds like she isn't mature enough to deal with a relationship. Not making the bed and not holding the door open for her once is her biggest gripes? Forgive me for saying so, but I don't buy it.

 

As for beating yourself up you have to try not to dwell on "what if's" and "could have", it doesn't help and just makes the pain worse. I did the same thing when my ex walked out on me and all it did was depress me and make me even angrier than I was in the first place. Unless you were a horrible partner you'll come to the conclusion that there is nothing you did that couldn't have been worked out with open and honest communication. Of course that takes two people, so if one of them always has one foot out the door it's not going to happen.

 

I think the best thing to do is keep things quiet on your part towards her. Let her come to you and on your terms. Right now she is in the drivers seat because she left you. To me it sounds like she is playing games to establish control. Only you can answer this, but is she a control freak? If so then chasing after her is only going to give her more control and stroke her ego. I was with a girl like that and it never got any better. She would "leave me" and give me BS excuses as to why she "had to". And like a idiot I would chase after her every time, promising whatever she wanted and compromising my own happiness and desires for her. In the end I got a gut full and left her. It took me quite a while to get over my resentment of her, but it took even longer for me to realize I was the one giving her all the control over me.

 

I don't know if any of this helps put anything in perspective for you, but I hope it does.

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I wonder if she is interested in someone else? That would explain the 'settling' remark.

 

I hate to say it, but this is the first thing the came to mind for me as well. When people overlap relationships they tend to nitpick their current SO and give BS reasons for leaving. That's when the old "it's not you it's me" crap starts.

 

 

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Thanks for the feedback. Its really hard to pinpoint what the heck is REALLY going on isnt it? I talked to sister-n-law and she was like what??... just 2 weeks ago she was telling me that everything was great, siked about being sisters, where the wedding would be,etc,etc... that almost just confirms that I really havent done anything wrong here. How do you go from that, the other examples and what not to where I am today. Its like something had to have happened in such a short amount of time and she just snapped or freaked out... and it all snowballed on her/us so fast. Or maybe she just has issues about staying committed (Dad always leaving reference) and is just plain flighty. I know she loves me deeply... and she has stated that she feels she thinks about me more than herself, etc,etc And its definitely possible, but just hard to believe it could be another man in this short amount of time. If so, and sad to say.... but I keep thinking it would be almost better at least knowing the true reason.

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I hate to say it, but this is the first thing the came to mind for me as well. When people overlap relationships they tend to nitpick their current SO and give BS reasons for leaving. That's when the old "it's not you it's me" crap starts.

 

 

 

 

Too true. In this case... it would be the "it's not me its you" crap.

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I think you might have lost her after the first time she broke up with you actually. It's the same disappearing act after not feeling excited about the relationship. I think you did all you could do after you got back together, but for whatever reason she feels like she's settling.

 

"Settling" sometimes can refer to attraction. Did she communicate that she feels attracted to you or that she thinks you are attractive?

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She actually described me in her own words as a "head turner" when crying and wanting to get back together the first time when after looking at pictures on facebook and it was immediately after I basically decided not to chase her anymore. Then winter comes, get comfortable a bit, and let loose a bit.... and she maybe adds all that up with work suffering, and that I am around the house more ( I work from home btw), and maybe she just cant handle any rough times to be honest. I dont know.

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She's scared of love, and every time she feels her emotions getting to that stage, she'll sabotage the relationship. Hence the nitpicking and the many minuscule of excuses.

 

What I also get from her behavior is that you are possibly her rebound, or someone she attaches to when she's chasing after the "right one" in between her longer termed relationship with another. She is probably bouncing back and forth between you and this other when she feels she doesn't want to settle with the current 'someone'.

 

What I mean is she keeps that someone (some sucker she's been with, for a while) fairly close, and attaches to another, say you for example, and tries to escape her past. However, no matter how much she tries to escape or thinks she can -- this means of "escape" she uses to mitigate her own problems and issues with is a means of shielding herself from the pain, the hurt and the guilt -- she however, will never be able to run away from them. Yet she does not realize this facet of her life which is tearing her insides more than she could give it a thought. It must be painful for her too... Yet the excuse is she doesn't want to 'settle'.

 

I'm so sorry it's hurting this much, my friend, but you'll have to cut your ties with her. There will be no future with someone like her... unless you are prepared to go through the chain of events you've outlined again, and again... and again.

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You see. I am actually the longest relationship she has ever been in. Almost 2 years. Every guy before me got snipped very early when she got bored. She was always the dumper. But we lasted and even got into all the marraige talk. Heck, she told my sister-n-law that we were gonna get married 2 weeks ago, they were pumped to be sisters, and that she was worried my buddy would give away when I would propose, etc. Now here we are in such a short span. Crazy. I think you are right. I think she is scared of love. Blames it on me for my short comings and my lack of connection or whatever she has in her head and uses it all to justify pushing me away. I really do think it has to do with her Dad or lack thereof in a way. Maybe I am off. Such a great girl, its like so close.... yet so far. I know I have things I need to work on, but the love for each other was there in my opinion. She did slap me out of my funk in a way, and I am actually thankful for that and I will just have to use this as motivation to better myself. I just hate that I am 32 and single now. Its scary.

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She has abandonment issues, something I failed to leave out of my first post, which would explain why she's always the dumper in her past relationships. This is yet another self coping mechanism to protect them from eventual post break up hurt or being abandoned. So they up the ante and dump you first before getting hurt, and hence this is also where the fear of love and sabotage comes into play.

 

You stated that you two have broken up and gotten back together during your relationship before. I just think that there is a chance she has gone back and forth with another suitor and indeed you.

 

Girls, with daddy issues are extreme complicated to cater for in a healthy relationship... unless they address their childhood problems there is no chance for them in sustaining a healthy adult relationship.

 

You're by no means feeble or useless, and it's only natural to be fearful, but you'll pull out of it. Take things at your own time. That's how it's meant to be, we are after all different to each other and age is not a gauge to a lifestyle success.

 

You will love again! Stay strong buddy!

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Exactly, good post. If a bond is broken early in childhood, it does indeed (or can) affect everything which follows, and attachment issues poison everything until the person gets help (and that's not a guarantee).

 

What you could do is gently tell her that she can't continue to do this to you, and that for her own sake she needs to go and find some help, but not to assume you will be waiting around (because she will be thinking that at some level).

 

And after that, I'd simply look out for yourself. You sound sensible and as though you have a lot going for you, I'm really sorry this has come as such a shock but - don't put yourself in this position (with her) ever again is the only thing I can think of to say.

 

Hugs

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Thanks for all the kind responses.... it means alot. I am so up and down right now. One minute, I am all pissed and confident in what I need to do for my future,etc.... and the next its well, I should have done this or that and maybe she is right and what can I do to win her back.

 

Maybe it is financial. She did bring up my ambition in question at the very start. As I do work from home, but didnt go on a whole lot of appointments. But she just graduated college at 27. I did at 22, made great money within 2 years... and kicked but at my jobs to land the one I have now which is very tough to get. But the territory I got is a raw deal, and times are tough. But that is just life right??? But maybe its all just one more excuse to throw in the bucket on me.

 

Right now, we haven't spoken since we broke up 2 days ago. I did leave a VM that night of the break up. I did try calling today and didn't leave a VM. Yeah, I know.... probably stupid.

 

But its like before, she got upset that I didnt try to contact her between when she went off via text on Wed till Friday dinner breakup. I mean she packed her things and left on me on wed and called me at work to tell me, then it was all going to be okay, I had planned on seeing her that night, dinner the next, and Sunday church. But later she went off via text saying all the things I did wrong and said I need a miracle, that my "show is over" and if I havent changed now, I never will. That she has been so patient with me. Was I wrong to not respond after that, and not contact? I mean it hurt for her to pack up on a whim and run like I cheated on her or something. But she threw that all in my face like it proves I dont have that extra connection or I dont want to fight for her or something??? It just makes me more confused on what to do.

 

 

I really do love this girl, she is my world and still want a future with her.But only if she can come to her senses. Is she wanting me to crawl to get her back right now? Is this some control by abandonment. Even though she said it was over, you will find someone, you will be fine,etc... she said this is the toughest thing she has ever done, and after I said I dont want to be with anyone else... she said she didnt either. Yet, she still left. I told her I wont stop trying and wont give up on her, and she is going to basically have to tell me to eff off. But I really am going to stop contact.

 

I guess I have done all that I can. I have to let her go and maybe just maybe she will realize the error of her ways. Everyone says she is going to come back, she is eventually going to try and do this again.

 

 

Btw... in the past... after the first break she did mention maybe we should go to counseling. That to me does sound like she wanted to work on things. I am really wondering if we just both could really use it. Of course, its over at this point right?

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