My Mum keeps threatening suicide and making my life a misery

[Mysterious Gurl]

Heya,

 

So yeah ... my Mum keeps threatening me, brother, sister and my Dad with suicide. She's going through a divorce and she's going to force my Dad in to an early grave if she doesn't give up. She sent us all an e-mail a couple of weeks ago saying how she loves us all and how she's proud of us (didn't specify suicide but trust me you would have got that feeling too) and then she never went through with it because luckily she was stopped otherwise she would have jumped off a bridge. She then told me over a coffee (as though it was a general chat) how she planned to just end it all and jump off of a bridge, I didn't even flinch, this feels almost like normality to me now.

 

She's putting a lot of stress on the family my Dad and I in particular. I mean yeah .. my other siblings who are twice my age are obviously concerned but they're handling it better. I put on a normal day to day face but the truth is, I'm breaking inside. I can't bare going back to university with the thought of knowing it might be the last time I see her alive.

 

I can't talk to her, she's not one that would take in to account her selfish behaviour. She literally blames everything on everyone and not herself. She can't be reasoned with. My poor Dad has to do everything and feels if he leaves her for good she will jump. I don't think they know if they want a divorce or not, they're going through the procedure but trying to act like a couple even though they're living separately. I don't understand why my Dad wants to stay with her, he said after 40 years of marriage he can't let her go that she's almost a part of him but she treats him like ****.

 

I'm breaking, it's affecting me, no one thinks I'm breaking but I am. I don't know what to do. She attempted it before I was born but she doesn't know I know.

 

Why would you think your 21 year old daughter would want to hear your suicidal plans. Truth is I have no guts to say anything, I'm scared anything I do say will just make her snap and do it.

 

You can't win. Honestly everything we try and do is wrong.

 

Help.

 

MG X

[vertigoxo]

She needs professional help. You need to get her hospitalized; Never take these things lightly!

 

If she threatens again, I suggest you call 911 on her. It is scary and it does feel like you're betraying her, but it's not like that. You're helping her, and ultimately, saving her life.

[Mysterious Gurl]

I can't help her until she admits she needs it. Maybe she doesn't want to be saved. Maybe it's better for us if she just did.

[Is]

I can't help her until she admits she needs it. Maybe she doesn't want to be saved. Maybe it's better for us if she just did.

 

What if she never admits to needing help then? You going to let her suicide?

[Mysterious Gurl]

What am I suppose to do? I'm 21 ... all I see is a broken family because of my Mother. Sure her committing suicide would pain the family but we would be free from the strain. Professional help wouldn't work on her ... trust me.

[Tanzi]

Has she had professional help before? It may help and she has nothing to lose by giving it a go. The fact that your mum discusses her thoughts/plans on suicide with you is surely a cry for help. Yes it is a lot of responsibility for you. You need to discuss with your brother sister and dad what the next step should be but I think it would be wise to try to get her to seek professional help.

[vertigoxo]

I can't help her until she admits she needs it. Maybe she doesn't want to be saved. Maybe it's better for us if she just did.

 

I'm sorry, but that sounds kinda horrible. She is your mother, and while she does stressed you out severely with this problem of hers, no doubt that she's reaching out to you for help. She needs you.

 

Calling 911 would send her to the mental asylum and they can help her there.

[Nimzo]

I'm sorry, but that sounds kinda horrible. She is your mother, and while she does stressed you out severely with this problem of hers, no doubt that she's reaching out to you for help. She needs you.

 

Calling 911 would send her to the mental asylum and they can help her there.

 

If she's not crazy when she goes in there, she will be when she comes out...

[Mysterious Gurl]

She might be my mother but after the life I've had with her you grow resenting her after a while. I appreciate everything she does for me but I see her and how she is and how she treats my family, that yes, yes I do think like that. I can't bring myself to send my Mum to an Asylum. On a normal day she's fine.

[Mysterious Gurl]

If she's not crazy when she goes in there, she will be when she comes out...

 

Well that makes me feel heaps better.

[vertigoxo]

If she's not crazy when she goes in there, she will be when she comes out...

 

Uhh, I think you assume that someone has to be super duper crazy to get into one. People with suicidal thoughts and tendencies can definitely get hospitalized if they wish to.

[Pinnsvini]

Being hospitalized and being sent to a 'mental asylum' as you put it aren't the same things.

[Mysterious Gurl]

Either way ... I don't know if it's going to work, I'd find it hard knowing she's in that kind of care.

[nutbrownhare]

Either way ... I don't know if it's going to work, I'd find it hard knowing she's in that kind of care.

I really, really feel for you. My father committed suicide when I was 23; he'd attempted it before, including when he was a teenager, and in some ways it was worse than having a parent with a terminal illness - which at least has some predictability to it. Even after all this time (over 25 years ago) I still can't quite put into words all the emotions I felt after he'd died. I've spent much of my adult life disentangling myself.

 

I'd make the following observations. If someone close to you feels suicidal, it is very difficult not to feel responsible. When I was a teenager myself, sometimes I used to sit up all night with my dad as he vented his thoughts and feelings. Totally inappropriate on his part. I felt an acute sense of failure, amongst other things, when he died. Having done a lot of personal work, I now realise that neither I nor anyone else was responsible for his actions - he was.

 

It is very, very unlikely that YOU would be able to help her. If anyone could - and she'd really need to want to be helped - it would have to be someone from outside. You are too caught up in the cross-currents and dynamics to be able to help her - that's just the way it is, and is in no way intended to be a criticism of you.

 

I'm also sticking my neck out a bit here, but I'm guessing that your mother's 'reaching out for help' is more about controlling and punishing you, than a genuine, artless attempt to reach out. Suicide is actually a very aggressive act - threatening to others that you're going to kill yourself is second only to threatening that you're going to kill someone else.

 

I'm guessing that the mental health care system is different in the USA to the UK, but if you can contact an organisation which will take over her care, monitor her mental state and offer her counselling, then my advice is to do it. Much the same as if someone had suffered an accident or illness. Then, if you find it hard to cope with the idea of her being in that kind of care, you need help with handling your own difficult feelings. You can't control another person. But you can drive yourself crazy trying.

 

(((HUGE HUGS))) and I really hope things work out for the best for you and your family.