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7.5yr relationship ended... when do i know to move on? how long?


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shoot.. here goes. after a long turmulous 7.5yr relationship...................i finally managed the guts to leave.

it was abusive, emotional and just plain unhealthy......

a week before valentines day he came by to where i was staying..on his knees.. sobbing uncontrollably..... begging for me to come home. quoted lines of him being a changed man and how much i will miss out on... that he planned a beautiful future.. that he knows in his SOUL how perfect we are for each other and that "God" has shown him the way.........i find a bit of humor that "God" always tends to pop up with him when we are on the rocks......esp. since he hated to come to church with me... anyway.... i was tired of the back and forth. the reason i finally left was because... well. because he headbutted me. twice. in a row. and it left a black and blue on my forehead. seriously? a headbutt? wth? im not in the WWF......that and amongst other things.

 

after much back and forth for about 3-4 months..... it became official end of Jan or so. Again... since early feb.. emails, phone calls.. tearful messages.. pleading, crying, blubbering.... which i cried too.. and i left my tearful messages too..... but i never budged where i stood. i didnt want to go back. i left a 6br home.. luxury cars... heated floors... good God i miss those heated floors on my bi-weekly manicured feet! lol........i left it all. packed up my childs things.. moved in with my family. broke...broke financially.. and broke in spirit. it only took me two weeks to realize... that i needed to pick up all the peices that were once me.. that i never knew were falling off...

 

anyways. fast fwd a bit to now. me and my ex have some mutual friends.... the last event that was thrown... where me and my friends were together.. he made sure everyone knew that he would attend as well.. with a new girl. that, whats the big deal? that, we are all adults and i shouldnt feel hurt by it since it was my choice to leave. i was upset. i even cried a bit. but i said.. heck no, hes not driving me away from my friends event. i still went. he never showed.

 

i still have many items there at the house. i lived there for some years....he only gave me 2-3hrs to pack up. ive been asking for these items now for awhile. no avail......until i mentioned i would be escorted by police if he doesnt relinquish my items....i recv'd a reply within 10min. how im so dramatic blah blah blah blah. how he is so over me blah blah blah blah. i responded that theres no need to be nasty... i just want my items back....mind u.. mysteriously.. he cant find them. surprise surprise.......

 

also.... in one of the emails.. i tried to be "nice". i said that the demeaning comments werent necessary.. that we had been together for a long time.. that i know he is hurt.. that we both know what happened..... i dunno... he responded with... how he is dating a wonderful woman that already met his parents and how much his parents love this new girl. ok captain cuckoo....you just got out of a 7.5yr relationship... crawled accross the living room on ur knees to me less than 2months ago...........and now is introducing a new woman to ur family? i know all this. i know what hes trying to do. but why is it that i feel a pang in my stomach from hearing it? im also casually seeing someone else.. nothing serious..just a pleasant change.... but i woud never dream of having him meet my parents. nor would i even think to throw it in his face.

 

someone jolt me back to reality. hes being an ass right? i know what happened in the relationship. im coherent enough to know that he is emotionally inept of stability.....but we have mutual friends... its not easy to hear about him. and as much as i know he is no good for me at all. my heart still meets the top of my stomach in pain when i hear certain things. how long does this last?

 

id love to move on. i want to get married.. rebuild a family... come home to one man.. cook dinners.. etc. etc. im mentally strong... i dont see myself bringing my past problems into a new situation.......but now i feel like maybe im not ready at all until those pains go away. =( why does it hurt a bit for someone that treated me so wrong?

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Welcome to ENA! A long, hard road awaits. But if you're sure you made the right decision then you did.

 

I have been grieving the loss of my 5 year relationship, even though I know it was right, for the past 13 months. If there's one solitary piece of advice I can give you it is this. Be open, honest and forgiving. You spent a long time with this guy for a reason. He's probably going off the rails a bit too right now so excuse his behaviour, because I'm pretty sure he just wants you and his life back together; just the way it was.

 

If you are sure you have done the right thing, then move on with kindness towards someone you love, even if they're aren't reciprocating. Put yourself in his shoes, even for a solitary second and view the situation from his eyes. With that you will leave without regret and open your heart to someone else sooner than you think. It's sometimes lost, sometimes denied and sometimes unrecognised.... but love will never regret, will be forever valued and always treasured.

 

I wish you luck and strength.

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This is very normal and expected... you were together a long long time, and that bonding doesn't go away overnight, that is, it doesn't disappear unless the person is shallow.

 

I was married for 8 years, and when i separated from my husband (he was cheating and other problems), even though i knew i had to do it, i was devastated and sick about it... the first month or two were really awful, where you just have to adjust to being single again, and that alone is hard.

 

But it does get better once you adjust. Your attachment to him is really more about the kind person YOU are than the kind of person he is. He may not be worthy of your affection, but if you are person who loves deeply and bonds, it will take time to pull that back and find a person who is worthy of that love.

 

Just hang in there... You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and frankly, he sounds like a bit of a big baby who just wants his needs met by SOME woman, and he has just found a subsitute for you. It is no reflection on your 'worthiness', but on his need to have a security blanket, and he's chosen a new woman for that role.

 

And i would NEVER go back to a man who ever laid a hand on me, and head butting? RIDICULOUS!

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One of the biggest issues of letting go, and it might be true in this case, is the denial/self-admittance that one is also at fault. It's usually nobody's fault - the only fault is the entire relationship in itself. There's always more than one side to the story, and how can we speak from the other side when it is not in our position to?

 

Forgive me for assuming, my intuition is telling me that you still feel guilty for him, and that 7.5 years worth of a relationship shouldn't be so easily dispensed down the drain. Nor does it have to, because after the letting go, we gain better insight of ourselves and what we are looking for in others. That everything isn't done for nothing.

 

You've already stated that it's abusive, from the the physical abuse to the manipulative begging. Some might unconsciously misinterpret caring or loving, as any emotion or an initiative displayed from the other side, but is it really so?

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I am not quite sure I understand why you are judging him....you too are dating...maybe not to the point where you are introducing him to family, but still, you wasted no time in trying to get out there to find a man while still trying to put your life together after an abusive relationship. Why did you need to go out and date right now when you have other things you need to sort out. I think your ex is all talk...he didn't actually show up to the party...maybe he is not actually dating anyone or it is not as serious as he claims...yet you say nothing but YOU are the one dating immediately after walking out of an abusive relationship. Why did your pleasant change have to come from finding another man...why couldn't that pleasant change be from going out and joining clubs, meeting female friends, figuring out why you stayed in an abusive relationship, doing some self-work. Many people on this forum rebound with someone else while claiming it is just casual..but then suddenly casual turns into a new relationship. There is no such thing as casual dating when rebounding...the sole underlying purpose of dating immediately following a breakup is to have a substitute someone to ease the pain. Yes, your ex is a jerk...but perhaps it is time to regroup and go it alone for awhile just focusing on yourself and your needs particularly when there are still links to this man.

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although we had been together for some time, please understand that we have had a long history of problems. ive actually tried to leave him several times in the past. there were instances where he tried to commit suicide when i left. to drinking pills, to threatening to shoot himself.. etc. etc. each time, i came back. ony for the problems to re-surface again.

 

yes, the longevity of the relationship makes me feel guilty. 7.5yrs.. almost 8. thats like a decade of my life. i dont hate him. i cant. its not in my nature to hold a grudge. but i do know that i can breathe easier when im not around him. literally.. lol

 

as far as my dating. yes ive went to dinners a couple of times.. i see no harm in that. but i dont broadcast it nor do i use the situation to hurt anyone. its not as if im moving on. but the pleasant change is to go to dinner with someone and not be forced to stare straight ahead and be accused of "checking out" every man that walks my way.

 

"my casual dating".. is no more than dinner and coffee once a week or once every two weeks... im trying to get myself out there. i enjoy my time to myself.. just as much as i enjoy time with good company.

 

i dunno... i am thinking of stepping back for a bit. but im only human.

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You should not feel guilty simply because you had a long relationship...you really don't owe him anything after the way he has treated you...he is a very deeply troubled man but you are not responsible for his well-being, HE is. He chose emotional blackmail when you had left him before..but that is down to him, not you. Get yourself free from this man and don't look back.

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