Pregnant and husband is being a jerk

[Polly31]

I've been married for a couple of years and got pregnant last year.

 

I had to immediately quit smoking (15+ year habit) and that, along with the crazy pregnancy hormones, made me very unstable emotionally. Unfortunately, my husband has not been very good at supporting me. He actually made everything much more stressful, saying mean things and just really crushing my spirit whenever I became upset and/or emotional. Words cannot describe the anguish he has made me feel and the ugliness of his words (example: your family doesn’t love you, etc.). I understand him feeling cornered and helpless sometimes, but he just goes too far. He knows exactly what buttons to push to destroy me.

 

He has been very inconsiderate. Three weeks ago he left me to go travel with buddies, even though I cried and begged him not to go because I didn’t want to be by myself at night. He told me his friend told him he should just do whatever he wanted and not feel guilty. He also told me I was too controlling and that he wasn’t happy with me. The worst part is that I thought that, up until then, everything was fine. I knew I was far from perfect, but I had no idea I was that bad. I became convinced I was a horrible monster who was emotionally abusing him. I cried and cried and cried.

 

He has also made it clear that I was not fit to be a mother and said I should seek professional help to change my personality (i.e. become more outgoing) before the baby arrived. I understand he is concerned and is coming from a good place, but I feel like a complete and utter loser now. I was happy to be pregnant and thought everything was fine. Now I just don't know and I feel sorry for my baby for having a mother such as myself.

 

During our last fight, I asked him to leave, which he promptly did. I was becoming depressed and couldn’t stop crying anymore. He came back the next day, apologized and said that he understood that he shouldn’t be stressing out a pregnant woman. He also assured me that he wouldn’t nag me about my personality for the time being and decided I could work on my issues after the baby was born.

 

Everything was peaceful until yesterday. He was looking at my pregnant belly and told me to “not let my belly button pop out”. I asked him why and he said because he thinks it’s ugly. I told him I cannot control whether my belly button pops out or not, and it is almost popping out anyway. He has also been making negative remarks about my nipples because they have become dark. I don’t even want to know what his reaction will be when I get stretch marks. So I got upset and cried and he said he was only joking. But I know he wasn’t, it’s not the first time he says things like this. I don’t think I even want him in the delivery room with me anymore. If dark nipples and a belly button (which I myself think is cute) are such cause for concern and disgust, I just don't think he's ready to witness a live birth. I feel ugly and unsupported.

 

All he does is criticize me. I'm breaking inside. Things will probably get a lot more stressful once the baby actually arrives. I just don't know how he's going to deal with things then.

 

I’ve been thinking of relying on my family to support me during this pregnancy instead of him. However, it's not my intention to cut him out of

his daughter's life. But I need to be able to depend on someone and to feel good about myself. He mentioned I was too clingy and dependant on him and that he wan't happy about that, that I should seek ouside support instead of relying only on him.

 

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any advice?

[Seraphim]

Have you tried marriage counselling? Also too all this stress is damaging to the development of your child's brain. Stress hormones realised by the mother affect the development of the fetus. Why does he feel trapped though? Did he not want to have children? If he didn't that is clearly why he is punishing you now. Either way he needs to learn that picking on someone and nagging and heaping emotional abuse on someone is NOT a way to promote change. I think you both could benefit from marriage counselling because if a child sees a father or mother display what is being displayed here they will become just as disrespectful. I feel bad for you, but the only way you can get him to change is to change your reactions to his emotional abuse.

[Shortpants]

I agree with Victoria, this situation is not good for you or your unborn child. It's not good for you now, and it won't be good for either of you in the future if it continues. He is emotionally abusing you, plain and simple. He does not have your best interests at heart, and by the sounds of it, he is not even concerned about the damage he is causing. Did this seem to start with the pregnancy, or did you see signs of it before?

 

I see you making excuses in the beginning of your post, like you are trying to shift the blame to yourself somehow. Listen, I have an 18 month old daughter with my husband. I too quit an almost 20 year smoking habit when I found out, on top of quitting coffee and all soda (I am one of those people that drink coffee all day, every day, and when it wasn't coffee, it was Pepsi), and even though I was a raging hormonal witch with a "b" for quite some time, my husband rubbed my back, my feet, made me dinner every night, picked up the house chores I couldn't do, and told me what a beautiful mama I was... even though I gained 80 pounds when I was preggo... I was HUUUUGE! There is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for the things he says to you, he seems to not care at all how his actions and words are affecting the mother of his child, or even his child.

 

If you are interested in trying to make this work, I do recommend councelling as well. He needs to see what his attempts at "helping you change" in his opinion "for the better" (and who the hell is he to judge anyways?), is really doing to you. Berating someone is no way to help. I also think it is very good idea to reach out to your family for support. It is very important that you not go through this pregnancy alone, and just because your husband is not supporting you doesn't mean no one should. It would also be a good thing to get their opinion on how he treats you. I know the feedback from family can hit a little closer to home than a bunch of strangers on the internet sometimes.

 

Please, please, please take care of yourself and that little love inside you. If he is not supportive and nurturing you, then you need to do that for yourself and ask for help from friends and family. I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, my heart goes out to you. Please stay strong and do what you need to to make sure you and your future daughter are healthy and happy. Take care.

[Ac143]

As an emotional pregnant woman myself right now - if my husband was saying those things to me & not beings supportive it would hurt 100x's more now then if I wasn't pregnant. All that stress also is not healthy for you or the baby & stop making excuses for his behavior...it seems like you are trying to make it sound like what he is doing is "ok" and you are somewhat to blame. You are pregnant with his child and he should be ALOT more supportive/understanding. PERIOD.

 

 

Was he like this before you became pregnant? Or did this start right after? Either way I would get out of the situation until you guys can work it out, i.e counseling because it wont get any better & the stress/aniexty isn't making this pregnancy easier on you.

[Polly31]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

I am just worried that couple's counseling will stress me out even further. I really need peace now.

 

My mother has undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and has always sided with my boyfriends and never with me. I have been the family scapegoat since I was a child. My last boyfriend was involved in shady criminal activities which I only found out about a couple of years into the relationship. I told my mother, but still she sided with him over me when things went downhill. I have been avoiding her out of self-preservation, but she has been good to me lately and I have been considering relying more on her. Her good behavior may be temporary because it's her first grandchild, but at least for now I don't think she will purposely harm me.

 

I tend to shut people out of my business and not share what goes on in my personal life, so I guess people just don't believe me when I tell them things.

My husband, on the other hand, is very vocal with both his family and mine about my shortcomings. His parents even put him in touch wiith a divorce lawyer because I found out he had lied to me about a woman and threw him out. I had been wronged, but because I clammed up about it to preserve the privacy of my marriage, I was made out to be the wicked witch of the west.

 

So confused.

[Seraphim]

Ok, but you have to see that abuse is promoted and propagated when you do not reach out for help. Short of an absolute miracle he is NOT going to change. I know you want your mother to be co operative but she is not apart of you two as a couple. How about individual therapy, just for you?? I can tell you for sure that this will not just go away and everything will be a dream after your baby is born it will a thousand times worse than you can ever imagine. You think you are distraught now, wait till he has the same attitude with your child. Your head will blow off in anger. As a person who has suffered multiple severe abuse in their life I can tell you, it will not go away because you want it to or because you want to hide your head or blame your self. You have to stare it straight in the face, not allow it anymore and heal and keep going. Your CHILD NEEDS you to be this strong.

[Polly31]

It's always been like this. When I feel wronged, I try to talk about it. I'm human, so I sometimes yell and argue too. I am quick to anger/cry now that I am pregnant. My husband, on the other hand, avoids confrontation like the plague. So he will either lie straight to my face and make use of deception to get his way, or sulk and and make me feel like c**p. He says I dominate him and he feels controlled by me. And maybe he's right. He has even called me too "macho" and says he isn't attracted to very assertive women. I guess I should be more respectful of the fact that he doesn't have a backbone and acts like a victim all the time (sorry, I'm angry at him!!).

 

My contribution towards our marriage problems is sizable. I can own that. It's always been implicit since the beginning of our relationship that I should work on myself and that I'm not good enough. The scary part is... his father is an alcoholic who treats his wife horribly. He will put her down in public, trying to make her feel inadequate. It's sad to see because she is a very smart and independent woman and is obviously SO much better than him, and that is why he abuses her. I fear my husband will become like his father.

 

I'm just tired of all this.

 

I wish I were married to someone who truly loved me for what I am, warts and all, you know? Not someone who thinks I'm a work in progress. I'll just never measure up.

[DN]

I think you both need to get some counselling separately and together to work on these issues. It seems neither of you treats the other well. Although he should be considerate, being pregnant is not an excuse for bad behaviour on your part.

[Polly31]

I think you're right. We both need therapy. But I'm 3 months away from having a baby. I don't have time to fix myself. And I don't want to delve deep into my issues or his past and present wrongdoings right now. That would just stir up too much inside of me at a time when I need to be happy and calm.

[Shortpants]

But I think the point is that you are not happy and calm right now. You have all the time in the world to "fix yourself", but you need to start NOW. Is the stress of therapy and possibly getting some answers, guidance and peace any less stressful than how you are living now? I fear that if you don't get on it right now, you will make excuses until the baby is born. Then what? It will get even more stressful once the baby is here... changes in schedule, lack of sleep, no time to yourself, adjusting to having this totally dependant little person in the home, potential for PPD... you need to get the tools to deal with this NOW and meeting with a therapist would not only give you the impartial third party to support you and give you guidance, but also could help you get prepared for dealing with the emotional overflow that happens after the baby arrives.

 

Please consider getting help sooner rather than later, if not for yourself, please do it for your child. She needs you to be everything to her for the first few months of her life, and if you are nothing to yourself, how can you expect to be her everything? You don't have to deal with everything all at once, just get through what is happening now, and go from there. One step at a time hon!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Many times if one parent is abusive (sounds like your mother is emotionally abusive) the son or daughter end up marrying someone just like the abusive parent. Sounds like you are re-living, with your husband, the same kind of childhood you likely had growing up with a narcissistic mother. I am not so sure couples counselling will help..because abusive people rarely change..but counselling for you might be very helpful so that you can learn to be more assertive and walk away from relationships which are toxic. Abusive people often project their abusiveness on their victim, accusing them of being the rotten apple. Many victims of abuse do tend to lash out and try to stand up for themself..and then get accused of being abusive, by their tormenter. The fact that he criticized your belly button and nipples and decided to take a trip with his buddies while you are pregnant is very telling about the kind of person he is. Emotional abusers tear down the self esteem of their victim and when their victim is writhing on the floor in pain or lashing out at them, they are accused of being crazy etc..to the point where eventually the victim doubts herself (or himself). You are an abused woman and you are showing the classic signs of it. Get some counselling and talk to some women's support groups. You should not have to do this alone.

[bedrocks]

He doesn't want this baby, that's obvious. He's taking out his fears and frustrations on you.

 

Good luck with that..all you can do is hope that once the baby arrives he'll realize that he has a child who needs him and depends on him and he'll come around.

 

Either he will, or things will get worse. Only time will tell.

 

In the meantime realize where it's all coming from and try not to take the words personally, they're said out of fear and frustration and meant to hurt.

 

My mother has undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder

 

If it's "undiagnosed" then you cannot unequivocally state that she has it. The most you could say is that she shows symptoms that are consistent with someone who has such a disorder.

[bedrocks]

I think you're right. We both need therapy. But I'm 3 months away from having a baby. I don't have time to fix myself.

 

You "don't have time to fix yourself" because you're pregnant and having a baby soon.

 

That's one heck of an excuse.

 

At least admit to yourself, that you don't want to deal with any of these issues, that in of itself would be a big step in the right direction.

[Seraphim]

I think you're right. We both need therapy. But I'm 3 months away from having a baby. I don't have time to fix myself. And I don't want to delve deep into my issues or his past and present wrongdoings right now. That would just stir up too much inside of me at a time when I need to be happy and calm.

 

The thing is you will have even LESS time to fix yourself AFTER your child is here. My son is almost 13 and I have still not gone for counselling I should have had 25 years ago. Why did I not go after he was born?? I had a baby to care for, go to work, clean a house, care for my son's needs 24/7, look after my husband's needs, I NEVER got to ME, ever. Please, take the time NOW, you AND your child will be much better off.

[DN]

It doesn't seem to me that he is the only one being abusive and controlling here - and using the pregnancy as an excuse not to sort out issue won't serve you. It won't be long before you have another human being in the home and you will have even less time than you have now. And that third person also needs to be in a calm, safe and happy environment.

 

Both of you need to take responsibility for your behaviours and start working on them, jointly and separately so that the baby will be brought into this word with his or her parents working harmoniously together instead of this somewhat toxic relationship you have now.

[Polly31]

He just got home and said he was sorry that I got offended by his comments about my body yesterday. He also said that my only option is to forgive him.

 

I just feel like I'm in a daze right now.

 

I'm not using the pregnancy to not sort out the issue. I just thought that counseling might make me feel even worse about myself and my despair would be passed onto the baby. But I see it is the right thing to do so I will get help.

 

DN, I'm sorry, but I totally don't agree with you when you imply that I am using the pregnancy to excuse my bad behavior. That is what my husband says. He also said that I was faking a lot of my early pregnancy symptoms. He gathered they were fake because I wasn't even showing yet, but symptoms are the worst in the first trimester.

 

I have been VERY affected by my pregnancy and I barely recognize myself sometimes. It is obvious that I am not normal right now. I've been mostly depressed and extremely sensitive and I have been crying a lot. I've also become more clingy.

[Seraphim]

Your only choice is to forgive him??!! WHAT a laugh, he is telling you how to feel now. Sounds like an abusing controller to me. I am speaking to you from my heart here and IMPLORING you to get help for yourself. If you think getting help will harm your child NOT getting help will harm them more. By staying with him and not getting help you are showing your child it is OK to be abused. You could also have PPD AFTER you give birth and be more depressed. I am speaking very seriously here. Kids see EVERYTHING, absorb EVERYTHING. You speak of the damage your mother did to you, do NOT repeat her mistakes.

[Polly31]

I will Victoria66. I will start looking into it this week.

 

He always does this. He will upset me, sometimes beyond belief, but can't ever seem to find it in him to truly comfort me. He just doesn't care at all. He will, however, excuse his behavior and turn things around so I'm to blame.

 

I am IN NO WAY even close to perfect, but I own up to what I do. I will actively seek him out to talk if I have in anyway hurt him, I am always open to discuss things with him and make sure he is ok. I listen to him when he brings up my bad traits without being defensive (although I might flinch sometimes because it hurts). I never lie to him or hide things from him. I don't badmouth him to my family.

 

Maybe he is just like his father after all.

[Seraphim]

I really feel for you, in my heart I DO. Please this is for you and your child. Your child deserves more than this and so do you. I know you can not conceptualize it now but wait till he treats your child with the same disgusting disdain he treats you and believe me he will. You will want to chop his head off. Whatever he does to you believe me will be a billion times worse when he does it to the child you bore. Do you really want your child to have a life like this?? Oh honey I KNOW where you are coming from. As a kid I was abused in almost all ways possible and it was MY choice to do NONE of those things to my son. I am not saying you will do anything to your child but raising your child with such a man will damage your child and the issues carry on from generation to generation. Please, end it before your child continues it. I have you in my heart. Bless You.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He just got home and said he was sorry that I got offended by his comments about my body yesterday. He also said that my only option is to forgive him.

 

So he didn't actually apologize for his behaviour. His comment about being sorry that you got offended by his comments is equivalent to the old abusive standby "you are too sensitive". In other words, rather than apologizing for saying the hurtful words, he twisted it around and said he was sorry that his words offended you. That is a non-apology which he then made worse by ordering you to forgive him for something which he didn't even acknowledge he was wrong about! This guy is a control freak and a manipulator. I think you and your baby would be better off out of this relationship because it will likely get worse when the baby comes.

[Polly31]

So he didn't actually apologize for his behaviour. His comment about being sorry that you got offended by his comments is equivalent to the old abusive standby "you are too sensitive". In other words, rather than apologizing for saying the hurtful words, he twisted it around and said he was sorry that his words offended you. That is a non-apology which he then made worse by ordering you to forgive him for something which he didn't even acknowledge he was wrong about! This guy is a control freak and a manipulator. I think you and your baby would be better off out of this relationship because it will likely get worse when the baby comes.

 

Oh, I know that wasn't an apology. He never apologizes for anything. He has gone behind my back and has done hurtful things to me a few times, yet he insists he has never done anything wrong. An ex-girlfriend of his, who always disrespected me and our relationship (we were engaged at the time) and caused us a lot of problems, once decided to meet up with him, without me of course. I begged him not to see her and he reassured me that he wouldn't. Well, he did. And he rationalizes it by saying that he is not my puppy and he will do as he pleases, even though he promised me that he wouldn't meet with her.

 

Last night he said I was just hormonal and that I was overreacting to what I perceived to be a slight, as usual. Special emphasis on "perceived." He admitted it wasn't a joke, but still thought I overreacted. I got angry and he told me he is not sexually attracted to me when I get angry, and that I become very hard to love when I am like that. I know he said those things to further hurt me, but * * * ? Who in their right mind just comes out and says they are not sexually attracted to you in the middle of an argument? How is that even related? Did he think I was trying to have sex with him at the time?

 

And I got exasperated trying to get my point accross and actually trying to communicate something to him. And all he did was throw insults my way. No acknowledgment that he might have acted like a jerk, that he has always acted like one and that he hurt me. Nope. It was all "perceived", you see. It's all in my head. He's never done anything. I'm just crazy.

 

I feel pretty crazy right now. Crazy that I even bother wasting my time trying to talk to him.

[Seraphim]

Pretty much it is crazy to talk to a person like him. It is a no win situation because he wont ever let you. HE has to be RIGHT no matter what,and you might never win it. I hope you get out of this situation.

[hexaemeron]

Hmm. I have to agree with DN here. Your husband is acting like a total jerk, but you're also coming accross as entirely needy and manipulative. I think you both need some counseling. It really does seem like you draw ALL your self-wroth from your marriage and even in an ideal marriage, which this clearly is not, that would be BAD.

 

Pregnant or not, it's your responsbility to manage your self-worth issues. And with a new life looking to you for everything, you need to make the time now, because as people have said, you will have NO time to deal with it later. It's now or never.

[Polly31]

Hmm. I have to agree with DN here. Your husband is acting like a total jerk, but you're also coming accross as entirely needy and manipulative. I think you both need some counseling. It really does seem like you draw ALL your self-wroth from your marriage and even in an ideal marriage, which this clearly is not, that would be BAD.

 

Pregnant or not, it's your responsbility to manage your self-worth issues. And with a new life looking to you for everything, you need to make the time now, because as people have said, you will have NO time to deal with it later. It's now or never.

 

 

Could you tell me what exactly I did to come accross to you as needy and manipulative? I really need someone to hold up a mirror for me cause I think there's something I'm not seeing quite clear.

 

I have already made an appointment to get help.

[Seraphim]

Could you tell me what exactly I did to come accross to you as needy and manipulative? I really need someone to hold up a mirror for me cause I think there's something I'm not seeing quite clear.

 

I have already made an appointment to get help.

 

I think it is awesome you are going for help Polly I know it is hard but it will be SO worth it for you AND your child.