Pregnant and husband is being a jerk

[hexaemeron]

Could you tell me what exactly I did to come accross to you as needy and manipulative? I really need someone to hold up a mirror for me cause I think there's something I'm not seeing quite clear.

 

I have already made an appointment to get help.

 

Like when your husband had a trip and you begged him not to go because you didn't feel safe at night?

 

I mean, maybe this is a girl thing, or something hetero guys are supposed to understand about women... but what? That makes NO sense to me. You're a grownup, right? You can handle going to bed by yourself while your husband is away.

[Polly31]

Like when your husband had a trip and you begged him not to go because you didn't feel safe at night?

 

I mean, maybe this is a girl thing, or something hetero guys are supposed to understand about women... but what? That makes NO sense to me. You're a grownup, right? You can handle going to bed by yourself while your husband is away.

 

I noticed it was all men making these comments about how I am needy and how I shouldn't use pregnancy to excuse bad behavior.

Honestly, I think it all boils down to hormones. Yes, I am needy now and I fear sleeping by myself at night. I wasn't like this before the pregnancy and I have no idea why I am this way now. Tons of things have changed in me. I even had a crazy display of "nesting instinct" that had me thinking I had developed some form of OCD (cleaning the house like mad). My doctor reassured me these are all normal behaviors and that they will pass once the baby is here.

 

I think this is just something that guys can't relate to at all, so they think we make it all up to manipulate them. Believe me, this isn't the case AT ALL.

 

I am 99% sure that you don't have a child nor did you ever have to live to with a pregnant woman. We all have different symptoms and display different behavior. Brace yourselves.

[Polly31]

I think it is awesome you are going for help Polly I know it is hard but it will be SO worth it for you AND your child.

 

Thanks Victoria66. I hope it helps us.

[hexaemeron]

Oh no. All theory for me. I'm as gay as an Project Runway marathon on Logo.

[Shortpants]

Could you tell me what exactly I did to come accross to you as needy and manipulative? I really need someone to hold up a mirror for me cause I think there's something I'm not seeing quite clear.

 

I have already made an appointment to get help.

 

Polly,

I am soooo proud of you for taking this step and getting help for yourself, bravo lady! It truly is the best thing for you and your child. I also think the therapist will help with seeing things a bit clearer and putting things in perspective. I know it is scary to do something like this, but just know it is the best move for you and that bun you have in the oven. I hope it goes well for you and you get a little peace when you need it the most. Good luck and keep your chin up, things can only get better, right? >

[Ac143]

You are like this now because you are pregnant!!! It is hormones & the nesting is crazy, I am experiencing it too. Its hard for men to relate because they have no idea what it actually feels like...I am a totally different person then I was not pregnant, it really is an out of body experience...99% of the time I dont feel like myself, sometimes I cry for no reason whatsoever & say things I never would. I guess its understandable consider we carry lots of extra weight, can't sleep, bad hurts, never comfortable, constipated, achy etc etc how can you be happy?? That being said....it doesn't give us the right to be mean BUT it does give us the right to have our bad emotional days, its just part of being pregnant, its VERY normal the emotions you are dealing it & our SO's should support us and not overreact or add fuel the fire - which yours is doing. He should also understand the way he treats you effects directly to the baby not just you anymore.

 

I personally dont think you are crazy or mean, I'm sure getting therapy will help with the other issues, but dont count on it to change your pregnancy horomones lol. Glad you reached out to someone, hope it goes well!

[Polly31]

99% of the time I dont feel like myself, sometimes I cry for no reason whatsoever & say things I never would.

 

I know!

I'm not a cryer at all*... but oh my lord... EVERYTHING (good and bad) just touches me so deeply right now... The other day I was talking to my husband about the placenta, and how it feeds the baby for nine months while getting progressively older and finally just "dying" once the baby is born. I felt soooo sad for the placenta and I had to bite my lip to avoid crying. I finally understood why some cultures bury the placenta. But I didn't want my husband to think I was going crazy, which he probably did anyway with my poor placenta story.

 

So yeah, I totally agree with you. We become almost unrecognizable to ourselves.

 

Edit: *I am now though.

[Ac143]

I know!

I'm not a cryer at all... but oh my lord... EVERYTHING (good and bad) just touches me so deeply right now... The other day I was talking to my husband about the placenta, and how it feeds the baby for nine months while getting progressively older and finally just "dying" once the baby is born. I felt soooo sad for the placenta and I had to bite my lip to avoid crying. I finally understood why some cultures bury the placenta. But I didn't want my husband to think I was going crazy, which he probably did anyway with my poor placenta story.

 

So yeah, I totally agree with you. We become almost unrecognizable to ourselves.

 

Its nuts, but I can totally relate to why you would cry over that LOL....I never ever cried before pregnancy, its strange for my husband to even see me cry. But it can happen in a split second over something very very silly - like my husband saying he has to go on a business trip (which he does every few months) he said that 2 weeks ago and I just cried uncontrollably - dont know y, guess I didn't want to be left alone.

 

So I understand exactly where you are coming from & if I didn't have a supportive/understanding husband I swear I would have lost my mind by now.

[Seraphim]

I know!

I'm not a cryer at all... but oh my lord... EVERYTHING (good and bad) just touches me so deeply right now... The other day I was talking to my husband about the placenta, and how it feeds the baby for nine months while getting progressively older and finally just "dying" once the baby is born. I felt soooo sad for the placenta and I had to bite my lip to avoid crying. I finally understood why some cultures bury the placenta. But I didn't want my husband to think I was going crazy, which he probably did anyway with my poor placenta story.

 

So yeah, I totally agree with you. We become almost unrecognizable to ourselves.

 

Amen to that sista!! LOL...it is something men wont experience so for them to say it should not affect anyone makes me want to smack their head. As far as sleeping alone too, you actually DO fear something may happen to you or your baby. I used to pass out regularly and I needed him to actually roll me out of the bed in the morning by the end and make sure I had matching foot ware, put my socks on etc....they have NO frickin clue.

[Polly31]

You guys are great. You make both me and baby smile. Thank you!

[DN]

Of course men cannot experience pregnancy. But that does not mean that something that every mammal can do and has done for millions of years should be used as an excuse to treat a partner badly. Most women don't.

 

He should not treat her badly either and should be supportive and understanding but only to an extent and it falls short of tolerating abuse or anything close to it or to be manipulated. There is never an excuse for treating a partner badly in either direction..

[Seraphim]

I think though DN maybe she is a little more weepy BECAUSE he is so unsupportive. It actually IS harder to NOT cry when pregnant.I bet if he was supportive she would cry less and not be as needy. Personally I think she does need therapy which she is doing and she will feel more secure, but he IS a jerk.

[DN]

Perhaps but which came first? For instance: telling him she didn't want him to go away for a couple of days is a little extreme.

 

I am not defending his conduct but I think both of them need to review how they treat each other.

[Seraphim]

Perhaps but which came first? For instance: telling him she didn't want him to go away for a couple of days is a little extreme.

 

I am not defending his conduct but I think both of them need to review how they treat each other.

 

Yes, I understand he should be able to go out, and yes it is a bit extreme for her to cry and beg for him to stay I agree, I think though his complete lack of support and mocking her insecurity and body and what have you could be a big reason WHY she is crying and clinging. Personally, I think him doing that classifies him as a scum. She DOES however want to improve herself.

[Polly31]

Of course men cannot experience pregnancy. But that does not mean that something that every mammal can do and has done for millions of years should be used as an excuse to treat a partner badly.

 

Right, I should just find another excuse for all the terrible abuse I seemeingly unleash unto him? Seriously DN. I wasn't afraid to be my myself at night during the first trimester, it kicked in in the middle of the second trimester. I was a mess when he said he was going to leave. I guess I should have stuffed it all deep inside and pretended I was fine. You are basically telling me to fight these feelings and try to act as normal as possible at a time I am undergoing a lot of change. It's not like I went out and cheated on him or called him names. I just didn't want to be alone.

 

Instead of trying to reassure me that everything would be fine or whatever, he just told me he was going regardless of how I felt, which brought out desperation in me. Really. You should've seen me. You would've thought I had completely lost my mind, acting like I was going to be stranded on some desert island all by myself forever. I am embarrassed about it now, but I can't say I'm any more comfortable being by myself at night. I'm not. Doctor said this will pass once the baby is here, though.

 

And I'm not going to sit here and argue the validity of my crazy feelings. I know they are crazy. Just respect them. Fueling my insecurities instead of trying to ease them is just a really heartless thing to do right now, in my opinion.

 

Besides the crazy hormones, however, which someone wisely reminded me that therapy won't cure, I do want to be a healthy person for my baby. I will make sure to have a good environment for my daughter, even if that means my husband is out of the picture. Which I hope he isn't. I hope we can both find a better way.

[Polly31]

Just because pregancy is something that "every mammal has always done for millions of years" sounds to me like an incredible attempt at minimizing pregnancy. No wonder so many women complain about lack of support from their husbands during pregnancy. Some people just really don't get it at all.

[DN]

I am a father of two and a grandfather of two - maybe more to come. So I have been there as a partner and supporter and I do get that pregnancy is not easy. But it's also not unusual either and although it can be more difficult in various ways for some women than others that does not mean it should be used as a reason to try and control a partner - and that is probably what he thinks you are doing.

 

It seems to me that your relationship has had its problems before the pregnancy even began and the pregnancy is making them worse not better. So my suggestion is that you both seek counseling to sort these issues out if you want your marriage to stay together, because, although you may feel justified, your husband clearly believes that it isn't all his fault either. I can't advise him because he's not posting but I can say that the chances of him cooperating will be much less if you try to make him do things such as stay home. Because of the previous issues he is going to see that as an attempt to control him by using the pregnancy.

 

It's no use telling him he's wrong as he won't believe it. But going for counseling may help both of you see things from the other's perspective and find a new way of managing the relationship. But don't do that in terms of the pregnancy because you need to fix a relationship for the long-term not just until the baby arrives.

[Polly31]

We had a looooong talk last night and that is basically what I told him, that we need to be able to understand where one other is coming from. He does feel controlled by me. Maybe I am really incredibly controlling, even more so now that I am pregnant. I could make a list of reasons why I am like this (and he would appear on most items), but I know there is no excuse to keep at it like this. I am fine with admitting my wrong ways and getting the tools to improve. Trust me, I want my husband to be happy. I care about his wellbeing and I don't want to be the cause of frustration. I know he sounds like an utter jerk in my posts. But he's an incredible man as well. Rare are the things that are truly black and white.

 

I am NOT FINE, however, with having it all dumped on me as if I were the only wrong/guilty party. There are issues that still make me seethe inside because he simply doesn't admit he was wrong. He will blatantly lie to me/go behind my back and break my trust and then say he was justified in whatever he did because he didn't want to be "controlled" by me. So why wasn't he upfront about what he really was going to do to begin with? Why lie? He says it's to avoid hurting my feelings and to preserve my emotional integrity. He's never done anything wrong, he says, so he would rather not have confrontation with me and just do whatever he pleases behind my back. I believe him 100% when he says this. He is VERY non-confrontational. I can be VERY confrontational when angry.

 

It's all so confusing. I understand his side. He understands mine. But trust and respect are broken all the same.

 

But I think we will make it. I think someting clicked inside our heads last night. We just need someone to help us unravel from this mess, but we see light at the end of the tunnel. We know which way to go.

[Shortpants]

Good news Polly! Realizing there is an issue and resolving to work on it is the first step. I am so glad to hear that you were able to talk about the issue productively and make a plan to fix it. Good luck and take care of yourself, your relationship with your husband, and that little peanut!

[Seraphim]

Oh POlly.......it sounds like you are married to my husband in some respects...LOL.....the only thing he would not do is mock my body or my pain, he would never do that,he just does not "get feelings" and like your husband he will do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation or be what HE perceives as controlled because he was raised by people who were extraordinarily controlling and mashed his esteem into the dust. So he gets very defensive about things and will tell lie upon lie to be able to do exactly as he pleases. Like your husband he says it is so he will not hurt me or to avoid confrontation. My husband will admit he is wrong though. I just tell him, why bother to lie to me?? I do not care if you want to go do something?? BUT I AM gonna be mad when I find out you LIED and you KNOW I am going to find out so WHY DO IT?? Ya know??? If my husband had a brother I would swear he was your husband....lol.

[Polly31]

like your husband he will do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation or be what HE perceives as controlled because he was raised by people who were extraordinarily controlling and mashed his esteem into the dust. So he gets very defensive about things and will tell lie upon lie to be able to do exactly as he pleases. Like your husband he says it is so he will not hurt me or to avoid confrontation. My husband will admit he is wrong though. I just tell him, why bother to lie to me?? I do not care if you want to go do something?? BUT I AM gonna be mad when I find out you LIED and you KNOW I am going to find out so WHY DO IT?? Ya know??? If my husband had a brother I would swear he was your husband....lol.

 

Wow. So there's more of them out there! lol! My husband was raised by an EXTREMELY controlling and alcoholic father. His father is truly not well mentally and is very verbally abusive to my husband's mother. I stopped going to their place cause, after we got married and I became "part of the family", I noticed he was thisclose to verbally abusing me as well.

 

I think that explains a lot about why my husband is the way he is, just like yours. Their backgrounds seem to match. I never thought of it that way, though. But now I see why he has such an issue with "feeling controlled" and rebelling against it. Oh my... we will need YEARS of therapy...

 

The lying is what gets to me too. If everything were in fact so innocent, why lie? It just plants suspicion in my mind, you know? And then guess what? I become even more "controlling" and interrogative and distrustful. But can he truly blame ME for it? He started the whole thing. It's a neverending circle.

[Polly31]

Oh, and my husband's self-esteem is also pretty low. He is very easily manipulated, especially by his parents, and won't ever stand up for himself, unless it's against me.

[Seraphim]

That is why I am and DN is trying to say too, we have to change how WE react for OUR own good. That is what DN is really trying to say I believe, in a kind of roundabout way. We have to own our own issue in how we react to their bad behavior. While my husband's father was not an alcoholic he was extremely controlling and ruled his house with an iron fist and still does. He was never openly abusive to anyone, such as hitting or anything but his rule was followed WITHOUT question even down to his wife and no one's feelings mattered in the whole world but his. So my husband to survive in that environment just learned to lie to be able to do anything other than what his father dictated. Now he treats me the same way he treated them. I will smile to your face and behind your back I will blow you the finger and do whatever the hell I please.The kicker IS you know what if he had discussed it, mentioned it, did anything but LIED about it I would not care. I am NOT keeping him from doing ANYTHING. He does as he pleases, but he is so guilt ridden even from doing nothing, cause 99% of the time it is not anything to even question, so WHY lie??? ](*,) Now you know I do not care what he does what the explanation is....do whatever, because I have talked about it and talked about it and talked about it, I have been mad, I have been resentful, I have been irritated, I have yelled. NOTHING makes a difference because obviously he likes that cycle or he would not do it. So I just take myself out of it and do not react anymore and tell him to stop justifying himself to me because I don't care..........lol.......that leaves him flummoxed for sure..... And it is not that I don't care about him per se I do not care to get drawn into his endless drama.

[Polly31]

Now you know I do not care what he does what the explanation is....do whatever, because I have talked about it and talked about it and talked about it, I have been mad, I have been resentful, I have been irritated, I have yelled. NOTHING makes a difference because obviously he likes that cycle or he would not do it. So I just take myself out of it and do not react anymore and tell him to stop justifying himself to me because I don't care..........lol.......that leaves him flummoxed for sure..... And it is not that I don't care about him per se I do not care to get drawn into his endless drama.

 

I think my husband mainly does things behind my back because maybe I do try to prevent him from doing certain things, like meeting up with an ex who clearly wants him back and hates me. He does other things that may be innocent on the surface, but still have me jealous and suspicious. And this is heightened by the fact that he has betrayed me before, so I am super sensitive to anything that even remotely smells like a lie.

 

So instead of telling me or asking me if it's ok to do something, he'll just go behing my back because he knows my answer will be no. And I don't think that will change, because I will never be ok with being disrespected and betrayed.He hasn't bothered working on rebuilding my trust, instead, he goes on like nothing ever happened, chipping away whatever is left like there's no tomorrow and blaming ME for being controlling/jealous/etc etc, and thus justifying why he does what he does. It's all my fault.

[Seraphim]

See now my husband does not do that....I mean he does wacky stuff like have a female friend drive him to his latest operation but she is not an ex or a gf or close to him or even anything remotely like that. So I just go eh whatever and shrug. The things he lies about are like buying a freakin base ball hat why do THAT??!! And he tells me because you tell me I have too many hats......and I say well ya have 43 ya of them ya know?? When is enough enough?? Really all it is is difference of opinion, but he has to make it into a federal investigation. So now I just say..yea yea do whatever don't need to know.Off ya go.