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why do i miss my abusive ex? this doesn't make sense!


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A couple of months ago, I broke it off with my abusive boyfriend who was 12 years my senior. For those of you who don't know, I am a 20 year old college student, and I was in a relationship that felt a lot like a marriage with this man for one year. At first, everything was amazing, and I remember feeling so lucky that I had found the "One." Then, about 8 months into the relationship, the abuse started. I was suddenly horrible in every way. He would yell at me constantly, throw things (sometimes at me), grab me, hit himself in the head when I would make him mad, and even bash his head against the wall. In his eyes, it was always my fault for "making" him angry. I endured this kind of abuse for about 4 months; not sure exactly why, but I think the main reason was that I was afraid to be on my own, so I thought that this was better than nothing (stupid, I know), and I also felt sort of stuck. In January I finally got fed up and broke up with him (and then had to threaten him with a restraining order) . For about a month or so after that, I was feeling great! I didn't miss him at all. I was just so happy to finally have my life back. However, recently I've found myself missing him on and off, even though I tell myself that I'm crazy to miss someone who was so horrible to me. For some reason I'm flooded with all of these sad feelings. Why does it make me sad to think of him upset and on his own? As in, I feel bad and worried for him, as though I'm his parent or something. I know I'm too strong-willed now to even consider going back to him, because that would just be a disaster, and I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me with no time for someone who treats me like crap. I just don't understand why I miss him. Have any of you been in a similar situation? When does the sadness stop? Any advice/insight would be much appreciated! Thank you.

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It's a natural part of any cycle of grief to miss the dreams you had and all the 'ideals' you believed about someone you loved. It's hard to contrast romantic memories against the reality. Focus your memories on the difficulty in getting free and how relieved you were once you accomplished that.


You were brave and smart to open your life back up to a future of full potential. The hard part is riding through the rough times. Everyone has those. Trust yourself, because you'll find the joy of love again someday. Hold out for the right person, and you'll thank yourself for your courage and patience.

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I was with someone for a number of years who was abusive - he didn't throw things, but he did other things. I think the reason that you are missing him also is that in most cases, the emotional abuse starts first before the physical abuse. By the time the physical abuse starts, often someone has messed so badly with your head already that you don't leave. In normal circumstances, anyone would get away from any random person who was doing that, but to their abusive bf/gf/spouse, they don't. It makes sense you would still be healing after a breakup of any kind, but sometimes when there was abuse - feelings of missing someone can feel even more irrational.


Please seek counseling of support groups, etc. - there are even some good books out there - do this if you haven't. Even after a year and a half there are things that still affect me after having been with an abusive husband. Even though I have no desire to ever be with him or seek him out, there are little things here and there that come up where I am not as confident as I should be or have a skewed view of my worth or how relationships work. Also - it will help you notice the signs and cultivate a healthy relationship. In my relationship, he was older than me also and the made me feel like I was such am amateur and completely inept in many ways.

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Hello Blue Roses:


All the other posters here have given you good advice and suggestions. It takes a while to "get back to yourself" after such an experience, so be kind to yourself, treat yourself well, and remember the abuser is the one wth the BIG problem, not you.

I hope you will not mind me recommending a book. IMO it is the best. "Stalking the Soul" by a French psychiatrist, Marie-France Hirigoyen. It can be got on Amazon.


Take care and lots of luck


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Another great book is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. The best book I know about abuse. My D19 did a school project on abuse, so I read all the books with her. This one will really help you wrap your head around what's going on.

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For the record.


"Why are Some Men Abusive?


In most cases, abusive men are victims of abuse themselves. It could have been physical, sexual or emotional abuse. This negatively affects their psychology and personality, and mars their ability to rationalize events, and even their abusive actions. For those, who have not been abused directly or have seen violence at home (for example, the mother being abused), it leaves a deep impact on their psychology. Such a sharp divide of power and 'say' in the family, often gives such men an impression that abuse against women is justified. Much of the reason, for this psychology, finds root in our socio-cultural milieu, in which male authority goes unquestioned.


Signs of Abusive Men


All said and done, the fact still remains that abuse by their male partners is a threat that every woman is susceptible to. The following are some of the tell-all abusive men signs.

•Jealousy and Possessiveness: Jealousy and possessiveness are integral components of all abusive men stories. An abusive man will be overly possessive about his partner to the extent that he would fail to understand the relationship of his wife/girlfriend with her family or friends. An abusive man thinks that his partner is his property and refuses to recognize her as an individual. He may try to isolate his partner and be suspicious about her meeting her male friends or relatives.

•Controlling Behavior: The story of abusive men and the women who love them is all about control. This is one of the most deceptive abusive men signs, as it is always cleverly hidden under the guard of 'concern' for you. An abusive man would want to control your finances, your job choices and even, the decisions regarding which friend you want to go out with. Be careful of such attitude. Initially, it may appear disarming, however, over time this very 'caring' attitude would become stifling. Learn more about signs of a controlling relationship.

•Unrealistic Expectations: An abusive man would expect his partner to be the perfect wife, mother or girlfriend. He would expect her to provide for every need of his - financial, emotional or spiritual, and in case, she fails in any of her 'duties' as he sees them, he would criticize her insensitively.

•Superiority: An abusive man is always right. That's what he thinks of himself. He would use this logic to justify any acts of violence that he commits. He would say "You made me angry, that's why I hit you."

•Stereotyped Gender Roles: An abusive man would never see his partner as his equal. For him, she is always stupid and inferior. Hence, she should obey him and carry out all his orders, however illogical, inhuman or even, criminal they may be.

•The Blame Game: Did he lose his job? Did he abuse you of late? He would always find a reason for the negative situations in his life. However, the catch is that he himself would never be the cause. An abusive man always blames others for his failure or abusive behavior, to the extent that he would hold you responsible for him reacting violently.

•Erratic Mood Swings: Almost all women, who are victims of abuse by their partners, say that other than the episodes of abuse, their boyfriends or husbands are loving and gentle. In fact, they are apologetic and caring after the abuse has occurred.

•Refuses to Seek Help: An abusive man has an unfailing belief that he is always right. Then, why should he seek help? He would never admit to his mistakes. Instead, he would put the blame upon his partner or his children."


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