Do some women 'disappear' after they get a boyfriend?

[G-Snap]

Yeah I think you are right. That really isn't how friendship should be. This is too one sided. We all go through periods where we cannot be around a friend all the time but her pattern is very self centered.

[jahur]

god this is so text book, i really hate to say this but it is a classic of being used and dropped. ive had this done to me by male friends, so its not the preserve of females mate

 

you will have the last laugh when it goes belly up for her, she will come back with cap in hand looking to pick up where she left off with you! (remember, where SHE left off, not you) then its your choice to remind her what she has exactly done. chance for a smug smile!

[G-Snap]

you will have the last laugh when it goes belly up for her, she will come back with cap in hand looking to pick up where she left off with you! (remember, where SHE left off, not you) then its your choice to remind her what she has exactly done. chance for a smug smile!

 

I just wonder if Berg will do that. I hope he doesn't just keep taking her back when she feels she has no one else. She needs to know what its like to not be able to just fall back on him like that.

[Bergamot]

I just wonder if Berg will do that. I hope he doesn't just keep taking her back when she feels she has no one else. She needs to know what its like to not be able to just fall back on him like that.

 

Yep, I do not want to care for someone that wants me when they are in between boyfriends. But I am wondering this - How do I NOT take her back?? My plan is to not contact her at all and only respond *IF* she contacts me. And keep that response brief. Does this sound like a good plan? This is actually what she is doing to me now.

[eggplant47]

I am a female with a female friend just like this. We'd be close & go out often and then she'd meet someone new & I'd stop hearing from her.... until they broke up. Finally, she got married and it's been almost 2 yrs. since we've spoken.

 

The bottom line is, some people are just very, very clingy in relationships. They meet their SO & completely submerge themselves in their partners life.

 

You're right, it's absolutely unfair. And you might need to decide whether you really want to put the energy into maintaining a relationship with this fair weather friend.

 

Just try not to take her behavior too personally!

[jahur]

be completely straight with her, she will realise this and respect you for it. if she doesnt then it wasnt meant to be then she is the weaker one and you still maintain your dignity and self respect. i mean you just cant pick and choose friends like an item on a supermarket shelf can she? her fault entirely, a user in my book. find a friend who really wants you there with or without a boyfriend!

[Bergamot]

be completely straight with her, she will realise this and respect you for it. if she doesnt then it wasnt meant to be then she is the weaker one and you still maintain your dignity and self respect. i mean you just cant pick and choose friends like an item on a supermarket shelf can she? her fault entirely, a user in my book. find a friend who really wants you there with or without a boyfriend!

 

There is really no use talking to her. I have asked her in the past why there is a difference in the way she treats me and the way she treats her other friends and she simply didn't answer and evaded it. I have also told her before that I feel unappreciated in this friendship.. like I feel I give more and do not receive equally. She did agree and was okay for 1 month but went back to her old ways...

 

Right now I am simply tired of this and honestly she is just a friend. I shouldn't be putting in so much effort for a friendship.

[cazmoore]

I've done this. I've been dating my boyfriend for close to two years, and we're moving in together next month, but when I was single obviously, I was close with my friends, my male friends and what not... but obviously when me and my boyfriend got involved, I pretty much made him the centre of my life. Now, I'm in university full time, I work, so the only free time i have I want to spend it with my boyfriend. It's hard because I have become distant from my friends and they have said this to me and I'm aware of it... but at the same time, I enjoy the time i spend with my boyfriend. He's less busier than I am, so he has more free time to see his friends and and keep up that social status with his friends, in his life. I imagine once we move in together, I'll want to see my friends more often because we live together. I totally get where my friends are coming from with saying I disappeared... I have. But I'm also 26, I'm finishing nursing, I'm getting serious about someone and moving in together and the free time I have is minimal. It's just what happens.

 

I've seen plenty of guys do this to their friends when they enter a new relationship as well. THey suddently can't hang out with their friends and their friends say that guy is 'whipped'.. I don't know. You pretty much have to accept that this is something that she does, and if this relationship doesn't work out.. she'll date someone else and the exact same thing will happen again. I think it's a personality thing more than anything else.

 

Why not bring it up to her? Instead of playing games with "Well, I'm going to do this to her and not reply to her, and give her less attention" sort of thing.. don't be bitter about it. Rise above it - call her out on her s*it and move on from it.

[Allyo]

I have several females friends like this, including a girl who I consider(ed) my best friend. We were best friends throughout high school... then she got a boyfriend at the end of high school and basically stopped talking to all of her friends. Or she would invite me along to hang out with her AND her boyfriend. How lame! Then through college she lived up her single years and we were great friends again... until recently when she started living with her current boyfriend and once again... she disappears. No more e-mails, no more calls. Another good female friend of mine seems to act like this alot... she'll be calling me and down to hang out all the time only when she has man problems and wants to complain about them, otherwise she is too busy with her man to return calls.

 

I don't think all women are like this, but sadly it seems to me that a lot are. I know how it hurts to lose a friend to a man, so I actively make an effort to keep up my friendships when I am dating/with somebody. I truly think that relationships like that are a lot healthier, when both partners have contacts and interests outside of the relationship. But I guess some people get all their social needs satisfied in one person, which to me seems to be a recipe for disaster!!

 

The truth is, I haven't said anything directly to my girlfriends. I feel like as their friend I should be there for them and support them when they need it, but at the same time... it is hard to keep up a friendship or relationship when you aren't feeling respected. A friendship is a two way street, you can't force somebody to reciprocate.

[G-Snap]

In some ways, though, friends should also realize if a friend is in a new relationship that they should be given time to cultivate it. If the friend works a lot and has little free time, and starts a new relationship, I would think a good friend would be considerate of that and know that this limited free time will be spent with the new lover in their lives. I know that I am considerate of that...I realize that sometimes there will be circumstances in my friends' lives where I might not see them for stretches at a time. I'm totally okay with that.

 

I do believe relationships are healthier when people maintain outside interests, but each person has a different need for time with their partner and it isn't something we can decide for them.

[Bergamot]

I totally agree that we should be considerate of our friends when they get into new relationships and their need to focus on their bf/gf. That is not something I have a problem with at all.

 

The situation I have described with this specific friend is a much different scenario. She got a bf last December. I am not expecting her to spend time with me and I can totally understand if she cannot. But what she has done is - She has "disappeared". I don't hear from her at all now any more. No emails, no texts, no phone calls.. no nothing for the past 4 months. I can't imagine some one being that busy that they can't send their good friend of many years 1 single email. Ok fine. She doesn't have to. But what about when I have been feeling very sick. How about just 1 email or 1 text asking if I am feeling better? Is it too much to ask? If it is just because she has a bf now then I really do not need these type of friends.

 

This girl has time to regularly keep updating her Facebook profile though!

 

I am OK with friends that cannot spend time owing to new relationships. But I am not OK with friends that start changing their behavior and give out "I got a bf now and I do not need you anymore" attitude.

[G-Snap]

Bergamot, in your situation I still refer back to and stand by my earlier posts. My last post was just a generalization, but I think your specific case is a girl who is just using you as her last resort guy when she is bored and nothing else is in her horizon. I would not be keeping her in my rolodex so to speak.

[Batya33]

I have an issue with people who think they can resume friendships after months or more of not being in touch with the excuse that they started dating someone - that's kind of offensive to the friend and kind of arrogant - why should the friend wait around?

 

I totally agree that once you get serious wtih someone then typically weekend nights are "date nights" and you're not going to go out with your friends instead on any regular basis but all that means, if you care about friendship, is you have to put in effort and be more creative about making time to talk by phone (or meaningful e-mails), making time during the week, etc.

 

What I found was the opposite - when I got married and had a baby in the last year or so there were a few people who dropped me - who seemed to assume that now that my life had changed I wouldn't have time to be in touch. The other thing that changed for me was not wanting to be as social - letting acquaintanceships fade away or people I was never close with or never would be - but I would never presume that they would be willing to be in touch with me when I decided I had the time.

 

I also think it's a mistake to drop close friends because no matter how serious you are about someone you always need at least a few close friends for balance, perspective, for those topics you may not want to discuss with your partner -- and it's healthy for you to be there for other people other than your SO. And of course if things don't work out with your SO, you will want that support system.

[sophie274]

I agree 100% with this.

 

I'm in a bit of a similar situation with a male friend of mine. We've been friends for over 2 years, most of that time I had a boyfriend, but we would spend time together on a regular basis - go out for dinner or ice cream or sometimes a movie. He's been dating a girl for 5 months and has disappeared. I ask him to lunch, he says yes but never gets in touch to finalize details. I finally saw him the other after not having seen him in 4 months, and he brought his girlfriend. I haven't spent time with him without his girlfriend since they started dating. I don't really understand why we can't spend one-on-one time together, and I have never been romantically interested in him, am not in the least bit flirtatious, and just generally am not the person to prey on someone in a relationship. It's frustrating for sure!

 

In the case of your friend, Bergamot, it sounds like maybe she does feel some residual awkwardness about you liking her. Personally, I wouldn't plan to be there to coach her though her life if she and her boyfriend break up. I'd still be open to catching up every once in a while, but who wants a friend who disappears the moment a love interest rolls into town?

[Batya33]

My guess is, Sophie, that the gf asked to be included (but he should have told you that - entirely different dynamics if a near-stranger comes along!).

[Bergamot]

In the case of your friend, Bergamot, it sounds like maybe she does feel some residual awkwardness about you liking her. Personally, I wouldn't plan to be there to coach her though her life if she and her boyfriend break up. I'd still be open to catching up every once in a while, but who wants a friend who disappears the moment a love interest rolls into town?

 

The whole idea of staying friends after she rejected me was hers. I told her after getting rejected that a friendship will not work and I am leaving. We had met just a couple of months earlier at that time. But she begged and pleaded and I finally gave in... But the friendship was really good and I was glad that I chose to be her friend. She was very affectionate and caring.. she still is but I would later learn that she would change dramatically once she gets a BF. Unfortunately that is what I am dealing with now

[Bergamot]

I have an issue with people who think they can resume friendships after months or more of not being in touch with the excuse that they started dating someone - that's kind of offensive to the friend and kind of arrogant - why should the friend wait around?

 

I totally agree that once you get serious wtih someone then typically weekend nights are "date nights" and you're not going to go out with your friends instead on any regular basis but all that means, if you care about friendship, is you have to put in effort and be more creative about making time to talk by phone (or meaningful e-mails), making time during the week, etc.

 

Well said Batya.

 

All that I am expecting from this person was 1 email or 1 text message saying "are you feeling better now?". But nope... there is nothing!

[sophie274]

My guess is, Sophie, that the gf asked to be included (but he should have told you that - entirely different dynamics if a near-stranger comes along!).

 

Yes I assume so, although I get the impression they spend 24 hrs a day together anyway, so it might just have been habit. And I have to say that I would completely understand her wanting to be included if he and I were seeing each other regularly, but I guess I thought she could spare him for a brunch in the university dining hall once in 4 months! I just feel quite annoyed by the whole situation: I made a really big effort to include her in the conversation, be pleasant, since I know that he really likes her and I'm very happy for him, so I asked her about herself, her summer plans, her research, and she seemed completely uninterested in doing anything but just sitting there ... in which case, why come along at all?! (I've spent time with the two of them before - same thing).

 

Bergamot: it sounds like maybe this woman tends to attach to one person and be very close to them, and then move on to someone else. I feel like this is something I saw in primary/middle school - classmates who would have a best friend for awhile, then all of a sudden drop them and move on to someone else. It's really hurtful.

[Casanova4life]

Give her the cold shoulder. You sound like the typical niceguy doing all these nice things for a girl hoping one day she will fall for it. Well guess what it doesnt work that way. You failed to create sexual attraction in her for whatever reason which triggered her NOT To see you as a man. You are the guy she comes for inflating her ego. ( Emotional tampon)

[G-Snap]

Give her the cold shoulder. You sound like the typical niceguy doing all these nice things for a girl hoping one day she will fall for it. Well guess what it doesnt work that way. You failed to create sexual attraction in her for whatever reason which triggered her NOT To see you as a man. You are the guy she comes for inflating her ego. ( Emotional tampon)

 

You said it right.

[Bergamot]

Thanks Casanova and G-Snap. I don't like to be some girl's 'emotional tampon'. That is why I am writing about my situation here and seeking advice about what to do.

 

Well, anyway.. I have decided not to contact her at all anymore. *IF* she contacts me I'll respond BUT keep the response very brief.

 

I would like to tell something.. I hope it also helps other people. One of the things that made this situation so tough and confusing is the fact that this woman is single majority of the time. And like I stated before she is so good to me when she is single. She treats me so well, is respectful, is extremely helpful, wants to spend lot of time, and regularly keeps in touch. The 'disappearing' act happens when she gets a boyfriend. But here is the problem though - She does not stay in a relationship for too long. So even before I realize about her change in behavior she is single again and gets back to her old self. I have been friends with her for 5 years now. During these 5 years she had 3 boyfriends. One for 8 months, another for 1 month, and the current one for 8 months. She dated her current BF for 4 months last year, broke up, and got back together from last December. So anyway.. if you add up all the time you can see that she has been in relationships for only 17 months in a period of 5 years. So you can clearly see that she spends a lot of time being single... And when she is single she is such a good friend. When someone is being so nice to you for very long periods of time and then disappears for a short while it gets very confusing

 

I feel sad now but I can't take this any more... I can't do much with a woman that thinks her BF is her entire world.

[G-Snap]

Is she truly a friend, or do you have feelings for her, Bergamot? Do you secretly hope this might turn into something more? Just curious.

[Casanova4life]

Gsnap we both know the answer to your question.

[G-Snap]

Gsnap we both know the answer to your question.

 

Yeah, I kinda have a feeling.

[Bergamot]

Is she truly a friend, or do you have feelings for her, Bergamot? Do you secretly hope this might turn into something more? Just curious.

 

I think I had mentioned right in the very beginning that I actually liked her but she did not feel the same. She said she likes me only as a friend. So yes, my feelings for her go much deeper than just friends but I am not secretly hoping that this might turn into something more. Its been 5 years and if she liked me we would be dating now. That has not happened and I do not think it will happen. I am trying to find a girlfriend but so far have not succeeded. I think when I get one I will be able to move on from this girl completely.