Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 I did not want to ask this question in the Friednship section because this relates to Dating and so I feel it should be here. So basically I have a female friend and I am a bit puzzled by her behavior. She is a very close friend of mine and we have known each other for couple of years now. She regularly keeps in touch with me via emails, phone calls, texts etc and she loves to spend time with me. She even says that she loves me as a friend and considers me as very important in her life. I have been there for her in her rough times and been very supportive and have done a lot for her! So what is the problem and why is this in the Dating section? The problem is this - All of a sudden this girl kinda "disappears". Like out of the blue the phone calls, emails, texts etc stop. I wouldn't even know what happened to her. Then I will either learn from a mutual friend or from her Facebook page that she has a boyfriend. It almost looks like she drops me off the moment she gets a boyfriend. If I contact her or if she sees me online she will talk but she keeps it brief though. But when she is single its an entirely different story! She would be all over me actually. But from the moment she gets a boyfriend she disappears and goes into 'response only mode'. I discussed this with some friends and they said it is pretty normal for women to be like this. Since a boyfriend and a new relationship gives intense feelings they will be totally focused on that and will not have time for other friends. But I find this to be unfair... and right now my friend has been quiet for around 4 months (she got a boyfriend last December. she is also in love with him). So my question to you ladies is this - Do you usually do this? and if so why? Another question I have is, what should I do with this girl? Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Some women do this because they don't want to give the wrong impression to their SO, especially from the opposite sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Some women do this because they don't want to give the wrong impression to their SO, especially from the opposite sex. Her boyfriend lives in a different country. But even then is it fair to drop off a good friend for a new guy?? and I don't think it is a big deal to just send emails or texts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 I agree with you, I don't think it's too much to ask for, to send a few emails or texts just to see how you're doing. My question on this though - are you just wondering because she is truly just a friend to you or is it because you have some sort of feelings for her, that's why it's affecting you the way it is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin1 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 I'm in the exactly same boat and it started around december aswell.. I don't know what to tell you, just 1 advice don't bring it up. I did that and she said I don't grant her to be happy, while she really let me down alot.. Now she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore and said some very mean things out of nowhere. It sucks to be quiet but I guess thats the best way to keep the friendship.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 I agree with you, I don't think it's too much to ask for, to send a few emails or texts just to see how you're doing. My question on this though - are you just wondering because she is truly just a friend to you or is it because you have some sort of feelings for her, that's why it's affecting you the way it is? When we first met I liked her and wanted to date her but she said she likes only as a friend. I said fine and we have been friends ever since. She dates other men and I date other women. Why do you ask this question though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 When we first met I liked her and wanted to date her but she said she likes only as a friend. I said fine and we have been friends ever since. She dates other men and I date other women. Why do you ask this question though? Sometimes people pull away because they don't want to cause unnecessary drama in their relationship. It could possibly be the fact that you had feelings for her at one point, so she may feel the need to back away when she is involved. Again, this isn't always the case. I'm just suggesting. Example - you're going out with a girl, would you be keen on the idea of her remaining close to someone she had feelings for at one point? Although, I totally understand where you're coming from. You may not even see it this way at all. I'm just trying to give you some reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Example - you're going out with a girl, would you be keen on the idea of her remaining close to someone she had feelings for at one point? This would make sense if my friend had feelings for me. But she never did. She always said that she likes me ONLY as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bedrocks Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 She doesn't need you anymore, nor the friendship, the most likely reasons being that she's either made some new friends, rekindled some old friendships, or as you suspect, gotten herself a boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 She doesn't need you anymore, nor the friendship, the most likely reasons being that she's either made some new friends, rekindled some old friendships, or as you suspect, gotten herself a boyfriend. She did get herself a boyfriend 4 months ago. And she also has made lot of new friends. So she does not need me anymore? Isn't this unfair? I am not sure what I should do when she contacts me again... she usually gets back to the way she is as soon as she becomes single. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 This would make sense if my friend had feelings for me. But she never did. She always said that she likes me ONLY as a friend. No, but you had feelings for her at one point. Therefore she doesn't want to get as attached to you as she was when she was single. However, that may not even be the case. Why not send her an email and ask her what's up? Surely if you were close friends at one point, she would let you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helloladies21 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Of course it's common for women to invest most of their energy into a man that they're in a relationship with. This is pretty good evidence of how important of a quest it is for a woman to find a man (no matter how much feminists may deny it). But I find this to be unfair And who says relationships, romantic or otherwise, have to be fair by your definition? What can you do if they are not "fair", complain about it? Maybe take her to court? One of the main reasons people fail in relationships, and also in life, is that they are in denial about the facts of the world around them. It's irrelevant whether or not things are "fair", the only thing that matters is the way things "are." As for your last question, the smart thing to do if you care about your well being and self esteem is at least to let her be. The best thing you could do is to confront her calmly and admit that you are and have always been interested in more than just a friendship and that the friendship is just a lie because you didn't have the guts to reject her consolation prize of friendship when you wanted something romantic, but you're probably not strong enough to do that yet, so just staying out of touch would do you some good. Life is short, nobody has time to sit around and wait for people to reciprocate their affections when you only have a limited amount of time to search for the one you're meant to be with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 No, but you had feelings for her at one point. Therefore she doesn't want to get as attached to you as she was when she was single. However, that may not even be the case. Why not send her an email and ask her what's up? Surely if you were close friends at one point, she would let you know. She has told me in the past that she is not a good balancer between friendships and relationships... and that she gets totally into the boy that she is Dating and can't focus on her friends. I am actually angry and I am not going to ask her what's up. It is one thing to not have enough time but it is an entirely different thing to change your attitude after getting a boyfriend. Right now I am getting the "I have a boyfriend now and do not need you anymore" vibe from her. I think I will do the exact same thing as she is doing right now. I will stop contacting her and if she contacts me I will keep it very brief. That would be my best option. I was feeling very very sick during the past couple of weeks and she did not even have the courtesy to ask me if I am feeling better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 I agree, it's probably best for you to just let it be. In the meantime, hope you're feeling better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bedrocks Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 And she also has made lot of new friends. So she does not need me anymore? Isn't this unfair? I am not sure what I should do when she contacts me again... she usually gets back to the way she is as soon as she becomes single. Life isn't fair. So? What are you going to do about it? Unfortunately there's no "Life Complaint Department". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shuttlefish Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Ah yes the not-quite-a-boyfriend/not-quite-a-friend syndrome - I know it well. The girl who hangs out with you when she is single but when she's with someone she avoids you like the plague. Common enough. She's the same one that will tell you not to get any "ideas" because you and her are just friends and nothing more (when she's single), then she will tell you that her new b/f doesn't like you two hanging out...but if you were just friends as she kept assureing then, why would it matter. Infuriating yes. Do you have to put up with it? No!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-Snap Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Bergamont, yes, this is very routine behavior for a lot of women. I"ve seen it happen a lot. I have not done that myself but I have friends who always do that. Not just with their male friends but friends in general. They get so wrapped up in the new b/f that they simply can't and won't make time for anyone else. I suspect once the honeymoon period wears off and they are getting a bit bored with each other she will come running back to you for comfort and to fill some of her downtime. It will be up to you whether or not you are open to letting her right back in or not. I surely would have an upfront conversation with her if this does happen to let her know you were hurt by her actions. You don't have to take her back and resume as is. That is a choice for you to make. You asked 'isn't this unfair" Sure it is. But it happens ALL the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Ah yes the not-quite-a-boyfriend/not-quite-a-friend syndrome - I know it well. The girl who hangs out with you when she is single but when she's with someone she avoids you like the plague. Common enough. She's the same one that will tell you not to get any "ideas" because you and her are just friends and nothing more (when she's single), then she will tell you that her new b/f doesn't like you two hanging out...but if you were just friends as she kept assureing then, why would it matter. Infuriating yes. Do you have to put up with it? No!!!! Yep, you got it! Only thing that is different in this case is that she does not mention about boyfriends at all. I just start noticing sudden changes in her behavior.. they would be very subtle but it will be there. And then I log into Facebook and she would have just updated her 'relationship' status After that I would not hear from her at all... if I send her an email she'll respond.. if she sees me online she'll say 'hi' but the conversation will be no more than 4 or 5 lines. BUT it is a total 180 degree turn when she is single. She will be literally hounding me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Thanks for your insight G-Snap. I do have some other friends that cannot spend time with me because they got into a relationship or got married. But in those cases the only thing that changed was the amount of time they are able to spend with me. When we did get in contact things remained pretty much the same. In this girl's case though her behavior starts to change. It is very very subtle but I can easily notice it. All of a sudden she would "need" me less. And then she just "disappears" And all of a sudden she comes back to me and pours her attention... she would have just broken-up with her boyfriend! Let me give an example: Last year this girl went to Europe to visit her boyfriend for 3 weeks. After a while I got a greeting card from her at work. I was very very surprised to get a greeting card from her at my office. She had sent it from Europe and since she did not remember my home address she had gone online, looked up my company website, and got the address and sent the card to me. She had written "miss you". Why would some one do this when they are vacationing in their boyfriend's place? well.... later on she told me that the trip did not go well and she felt like coming back after 2 weeks. I then looked at the greeting card and she had sent it after the first 2 weeks. Wow, doesn't this say something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shuttlefish Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 ^^^^ It says everything. Manipulative behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helloladies21 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Meh, this thread isn't asking for practical advice, it's just a vent. You're not a victim though, because at any time you could've said "See ya." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HouseKitten Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I'm not much of a believer in opposite sex friendships, especially if there is any sort of attraction there. She knows you like her, despite you being 'just friends'. You can't switch your feelings off, so over time she's cultivated this friendship with you which gives her the attention and male affection she'd like from a boyfriend, but without all the stress of actually having one. After all, people don't 'break up' with their friends like they would a partner. And then when she gets a real boyfriend, she doesn't feel the urge to be around you. It's not great behaviour but it's pretty common, probably because people who like other people are often willing to accept friendship if it means staying in the life of someone who doesn't like them back. Do you have other friends? If she's your closest friend then that needs to change since she's obviously not as invested in this as you are, but you don't have to drop her entirely - she still accepts contact with you, so why throw away something just because it's not perfect? Try and make some other close friends so that you're not putting all your eggs in her basket, and in return your lack of a need for her contact might actually make her make more of an effort. People don't always make an effort if they think the other person will always be available. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 Thank you very much Housekitten! So she loses the "urge" to be with me AFTER getting a boyfriend! That is EXACTLY what has been happening. When she is single she emails, calls, texts, writes on my Facebook wall, cares very deeply even when I have very very minor issues etc. BUT the moment she gets a boyfriend she is gone.. poof. There will be nothing from her. If she sees me online she would say 'hi' but she will keep the chat very very brief. She knows full well that I was very sick for some time but there was not even 1 single message from her asking if I was feeling better. Why? Because she has a boyfriend now. What a great friend she must be. I feel like a total idiot for caring for someone like her ](*,) What do you think of this? What does it say to you? How would you interpret it if you were me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-Snap Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Bergamot, I think this girl sees you as her fallback guy. Nice, safe and comfortable but not enough feelings to date you. She doesn't sound like a really great friend because a strong friend doesn't bail on you when the grass is greener. Sure everyone will slow down their social card when a relationship is new. You can give them that. BUt to totally shut you off until she starts getting bored, or has a fight, etc wtih the new guy is just using you. JMHO. I wouldn't be very thrilled hanging on to a fair weathered friend like that. It sounds like she expects you will always be there for HER needs, but what if YOU needed her for something when she is in high romance phase? It isn't fair that you wouldn't be able to count on her for anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergamot Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 Bergamot, I think this girl sees you as her fallback guy. Nice, safe and comfortable but not enough feelings to date you. She doesn't sound like a really great friend because a strong friend doesn't bail on you when the grass is greener. Sure everyone will slow down their social card when a relationship is new. You can give them that. BUt to totally shut you off until she starts getting bored, or has a fight, etc with the new guy is just using you. JMHO. I wouldn't be very thrilled hanging on to a fair weathered friend like that. It sounds like she expects you will always be there for HER needs, but what if YOU needed her for something when she is in high romance phase? It isn't fair that you wouldn't be able to count on her for anything. Sadly I think that is the truth. It almost looks like she is 2 different persons actually. The person she is when she is single and the person she becomes when she gets a boyfriend that she has fallen in love with. She is wonderful when she is single. She cares really deeply and I can easily see that. Last year I changed apartments and she repeatedly told me that she wanted to help me with the move. I did not even have to ask her. And she did drive down all the way from the city to my place and helped me with the move stuff. I loved her for it...... Fast forward a month... she gets a new boyfriend, falls in love with him and poof......... she "disappears". Now there is no email, phone calls, texts, no nothing from her...... she knew I was sick but did not bother to send just 1 single message to see if I am doing ok. She had changed dramatically simply because she now has a boyfriend. It makes me very sad that some guy that I have never even met can control what I get from my friend. It is really really sad. I have decided to go into "response only mode" with this woman. I feel very used!! If she contacts me I will respond and keep it brief. And that's about it. but what if YOU needed her for something when she is in high romance phase? That's the part that truly scares me. If I need some serious help can I count on her? Sure I can IF she is single but I doubt when she has a boyfriend and things are going well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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