Should I ask this question?

[RichardCollier]

Hey,

 

Looking as breaking up is a journey of self-exploration and personal-growth should we ask our ex's what are rooms for improvement are in terms of being a gf/bf?

 

Cheers

[greywolf]

If you're already over your ex and are on friendly terms with him/her, then I don't think it's a bad idea.

[easyguy]

Sounds like a good idea, but as greywolf said, wait until you've healed and can just hang as friends with your ex. If you ask for that kind of feedback when you're still hurting, it would probably just make you feel worse.

[RichardCollier]

What does it mean when ones ex-gf says answers the question and then comments "never ask this question again to your ex in the future"? Because is there anything wrong with asking this question given that the other person broke up with oneself?

[Blue Streak]

There is much knowledge to be had. You already know that truth. It is a gamble you have to be willing to take. The gamble ultimately comes down to self perception.

[guiltyflood]

During my first breakup I was convinced that, when I was better, that I would ask my first ex about that.

 

But by the time I completely healed, I didn't care for her response anymore. I knew who I was, and I knew who I wanted to be, and that the one would love me for that sole reason.

[RichardCollier]

During my first breakup I was convinced that, when I was better, that I would ask my first ex about that.

 

But by the time I completely healed, I didn't care for her response anymore. I knew who I was, and I knew who I wanted to be, and that the one would love me for that sole reason.

 

 

Guiltyflood I agree that we care less about why they broke up with us when we are healed that is why I believe that we need to know why they broke up with us honestly in the beginning stages. Because human beings are imperfect and we all make mistakes that we might not realize. Why not ask and then become aware of the problems so that we don't make the same mistakes in the future with someone else? I think that sometimes they leave us because we our behavior changes from the one they met initially to the ones they know now. This could be caused for a variety of reasons. Clinginess is one behavior that normally doesn't manifest itself in the beginning. There are other behavior that I learnt about myself after the breakup that I thought were insignificant during the relationship. There are many stages of relationships. Search for Al Turtle's Map of Relationships. Its a free online source of useful articles by a marriage counselor....

 

Sometimes they could leave us because they have fallen out of love..

[HouseKitten]

You're making the assumption that your ex has an answer, for a start. Unless your ex is a therapist, they probably haven't spent much time logically analysing your relationship beyond 'and I hated the way he left his socks on the floor!'. It can take years to get to the point where you actually see, from an unbiased perspective, what was 'wrong' with the relationship or with the other person.

 

Basically I think if you ask, you'll just get whatever they can think of on the spot. They're also likely to try and avoid the question if they can, because it's uncomfortable to tell someone what their flaws are, and even if they do answer they will probably give watered down answers to try not to hurt you.

 

Looking for 'answers' after a break-up is pretty common, but I don't believe it ever really helps anyone. Unless there was a serious issue with you personally and your ex did not disclose it when you broke up, what more can they say? For a lot of people it's not even about something you did, they just fell out of love. Scouring them for reasons over and over is just going to build resentment - it drags up everything all over again.

[MikNomis]

It's probably best to just not talk to them at all.

[LizzieD]

I'm planning to have that talk with my current ex 4 months down the road. That's the only way to learn.

 

I've always talked to my exes after a breakup to know what went wrong etc. Sometimes, you need to hear the other side of the story

[RichardCollier]

I've always talked to my exes after a breakup to know what went wrong etc. Sometimes, you need to hear the other side of the story

 

 

So how did it go for you? Does it help?

[bungalo]

Hey RC,

 

I've posted about this before. It's really easy for the dumpee to characterize him/herself as "clingy, and needy." Typically, before

a breakup goes down..the one who is planning to leave (Out of the

blue just doesn't really happen, there are always signs) starts to

distance, causing the other person to become clingy and sometimes

needy. This often serves as further justification for the dumper to

pull the trigger. It's all about communication. If you can keep the

lines open as you go, sometimes you can hammer it out and avoid

getting hurt. Sometimes not. In my ex's case she has a huge fear of commitment...so unless she tackles that...I'm (and every other guy she dates) screwed. I don't think it's helpful to take on the mantle of clinginess

if you weren't that way the entire rel/ship.

[RichardCollier]

Hey RC,

 

a breakup goes down..the one who is planning to leave (Out of the

blue just doesn't really happen, there are always signs) starts to

distance, causing the other person to become clingy and sometimes

needy.

 

I think that that is not the case...obviously the are reasons why they are planning to leave and most likely it is something we did or did not do that caused the other person to leave...So even though we might've been more clingy after we sensed a possibility of them leaving...perhaps our belief of them leaving (perhaps misinformed beliefs) led them to really leave..have you ever heard of "If it's to be it's up to me". Whatever happens has a cause and mostly likely if its someone around you, you have a role to play in its happening...

 

 

Now it seems like i'm giving the advice

[jimmajam]

I think it's something you should and will learn about yourself. People can't change you and they can't tell you what to change. Something you did in you last relationship - the next might love that about you. You need to look at yourself and your past relationship and figure out what wasn't acceptable by your own standards. Things YOU wish you could have done differently. I've found they become pretty clear once you break up.

[RichardCollier]

Thanks for your insight jim. Anyone else?

[squirl]

Agree 100% with Jimmajam.

 

All the exes can tell you is what went wrong in in that specific relationship, in their subjective opinion.

 

They have no right or expertise to tell you how to a better bf, any more than they can tell you how to be a better person. They may be able to give you some candid feed back about your quirks and traits.

 

I do think this earnest searching is very admirable. It is a testament to your character that this is even an option for you. But ultimately you decide what kind of person you want to be, and then attract someone who thinks you're the bee's knees.