Really Sad About Possible Pending Breakup...

[WomanWriter]

I never thought I would feel this sad about being the dumper. I wrote my boyfriend an email letting him know that when we talk to the pastor on Sunday about our relationship, I want to make a decision about whether to stay or go. I feel really bad right now. No appetitite, that lovesick feeling in my gut, just generally a space cadet when anyone talks to me, irritable, feel like crying.

 

I will miss cooking together, doing romantic things, and all the church functions we participated in. It was so nice holding hands during the service, talking about getting married, cutting his hair, seeing his airplanes, etc. I feel lonely already. We used to spend the weekends together.

 

We haven't even been official 3 months and I've had concerns all along, but I can't help but feel a deep disappointment.

 

I haven't broken up with him yet and I wish there was some miracle that could happen to make me change my mind. I wish he'd show up on my doorstep with a plan to change his life. But I know he's too dense. I want him to be more than he is, but it seems hopeless except for God.

[G-Snap]

I'm not sure I understand this roller coaster you stay on with him. You don't seem to like him much when you talk about him in other threads - most people who are always irritated with someone don't feel such remorse and sadness about breaking up.

 

I think that perhaps you are just unsettled and unhappy inside that makes you go through this roller coaster of emotions. Do you think that might be it, and it isn't really your b/f that keeps you unhappy all the time?

[Seraphim]

I think you have to spend time working on yourself and getting out of your family home before you go onto a relationship. Your emotions are ALL over the board from one day to the next. That has to be very uncomfortable for you. Please take some time for yourself.

[Capricorn3]

I think you have to spend time working on yourself and getting out of your family home before you go onto a relationship. Your emotions are ALL over the board from one day to the next. That has to be very uncomfortable for you. Please take some time for yourself.

^^ THIS. I too feel you should work on your own issues before getting into another relationship. You need a healthy mind to make things work successfully. Rather than wishing he'll change his life ("because he's too dense"), you should now spend time fixing yours so that any future relationship will start out on a healthier footing.

 

I think it's best for both of you that it ends as you have never really liked him at all and always criticized everything about him, right down to calling him disgusting. For him it's probably a blessing in disguise.

[Ellie2006]

I Your emotions are ALL over the board from one day to the next.

 

^^^^^

 

And what Vic says above is why I dont believe you WILL break up with him ...

 

I dont think you should be persuaded by some of us on ENA to break up with your bf BUT I dont understand why you stay with him and why you havent broken up with him ages ago.

 

And based on your op, it doesnt sound like you're going to miss "him" per se, or you're sad about breaking up with "him" --- it's all the couples things you're going to miss, it's having a boyfriend you're going to miss. And that, in and of itself, is exactly why you should break up, imho.

[G-Snap]

I doubt she will break up with him either. This up and down is just very consistent with her postings and her emotions.

[Taikero]

WW, you're an interesting woman but you can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until you can like yourself, get over your ex, and deal with the past with your family first. You have so many barriers and expectations and reactions to the littlest things right now it makes my head spin sometimes, as much as I do try to understand and help.

 

I think some alone time would be good for you for a couple months at least, just to get yourself together and really get over the ex this time. You're still comparing against him and doing all sorts of things which will tear down even the most promising relationship with someone else.

[G-Snap]

Have you been in any counseling for yourself WW? I don't mean relationship counseling, I mean one on one therapy for you?

 

Until you get a handle on why you are generally unhappy no man in the world will be able to be in your good graces for very long. I think this relationship only serves to fill a void in yourself that you have to figure out how to fill on your own FIRST. This is likely causing the topsy turvy emotions - you are trying to use him to fill the void, it won't work. Any 'highs' you feel off of this relationship will be very temporary.

[annie24]

As ellie says - there is a difference between missing him and missing being part of a couple. of course, it is fun to have a boyfriend and do those sweet romantic things with. but it sounds like you will miss doing these things rather than missing HIM. you can do these things with any boyfriend. fundamentally, he doesn't seem like a compatible man for you. I do hope you break up sooner rather than later. I think victoria has a good suggestion on working on yourself and getting out of your family's house.

[WomanWriter]

I just sent this post basically verbatim to my pastor. He pretty much said what you all said EXCEPT that he still thinks there is hope...lol. He said that all of my concerns are valid but that he also is intimately aware of my analytical tendencies and my life situation and how those are playing into my crazy feelings. He said that because of my boyfriend's health condition, he is depressed and down (and so am I), but that those things don't have to color our entire relationship. He said we should meet with him regularly to talk and he gave me advice about my job situation. He is a really great guy.

 

I know I am all over the map...sorry you have to endure it, but thanks to everyone for the responses. I guess I feel like things could work out IF, ya know? My pastor says that is possible, even with both of our issues! But then, he believes anything is possible wiyth God.

[G-Snap]

Not that I am not a fan of God, but there are some cases when I don't' think a pastor is the best person to advise a person on relationship issues. Yes, they believe everything is possible with God. Not trying to deny that, but I think because of his bias and the fact that they are not trained therapists pastors and the clergy are not always the best to advise us on relationships.

 

I knew a therapist who advised a woman in an abusive relationship to not leave her husband for that very reason. It was dangerous advice and he gave it because he didn't think you walk out on a marriage since it was a bind made in the church.

 

Just my thoughts on this, you don't have to agree.

[hers]

Agree with ellie and gsnap and vic on this one. My first instinct in reading your OP was that you'll miss having a boyfriend over missing him. It's an uneasy feeling thinking about having to start over again, especially after being in such a long relationship like you were before. So I suspect that's where it's coming from--that you have to start over again.

 

But like others have said, this will continue to be an endless cycle until you work on your issues. You'll continue to be unhappy with any boyfriend you will have until you work on yourself first.

[annie24]

Is god going to find your bf a new job? Is god going to get your boyfriend to get his surgery? or get your boyfriend to go to his job instead of spending the day recycling cans?

 

ultimately, regardless of faith, your boyfriend has to make these changes for himself, because he wants to. you can't make him, your pastor can't make him, and god certainly can't either. your boyfriend sounds kind of immature and like he doesn't have his act together. it doesn't mean he's a bad person, but not the person for you. That's basically what dating is all about - meeting someone, getting to know them, and seeing if they are a good match for you.

[Seraphim]

Honey, I think you want him to fill the gaping hole of unhappiness in your life. NO human being can do this. You MUST do this for yourself. INSIDE is where your happiness HAS to come from. That is why you are not happy with him,because fundamentally you are a very unhappy person. Do not make other people responsible for your happiness. That is not their function in life.

[hers]

WW, I go to 12 step meetings so I also feel things are possible with god. However, many people use that as an excuse for not doing things they are capable of doing, such as finding a job or keeping up with your health. So while it's easy to say all things are possible with god, you also have to believe that god wants you to do things on your own but with his guidance. So like annie said, god isn't going to do those things for your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is just choosing not to do those things.

[Seraphim]

WW, I go to 12 step meetings so I also feel things are possible with god. However, many people use that as an excuse for not doing things they are capable of doing, such as finding a job or keeping up with your health. So while it's easy to say all things are possible with god, you also have to believe that god wants you to do things on your own but with his guidance. So like annie said, god isn't going to do those things for your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is just choosing not to do those things.

 

Yes, God and Christ still want you to work on your own behalf as well as believe all is possible. How can you PROVE you believe all is possible? Sitting in dispair or doing what you are supposed to? This is why you were given free will.....to DO his will.

[G-Snap]

WW, I go to 12 step meetings so I also feel things are possible with god. However, many people use that as an excuse for not doing things they are capable of doing, such as finding a job or keeping up with your health. So while it's easy to say all things are possible with god, you also have to believe that god wants you to do things on your own but with his guidance. So like annie said, god isn't going to do those things for your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is just choosing not to do those things.

 

Well said. I think it can be used as a crutch for some and have seen it used that way. God (for those who believe) expects people to better themselves and use their God given brain to seek out help if needed. He isn't going to enable us and just magically take care of everything we are dealt in life.

[annie24]

^^^ Yes. And like that surgery you've mentioned WW that he has been neglecting to get. You said he will have that paid for by the government. Some people might even say that's god's way of taking care of him - ie, finding a way for him to get his surgery. But your boyfriend has to 'step through that door' and do it. it's great to have faith, but you have to take responsibility and work on your situation.

[Seraphim]

Remember doing HIS will is also about caring for yourself. We are created in HIS image if you neglect that image or mind you are neglecting Him which is a horrendous sin. Yes, faith and prayer can and do move mountains, you also must participate. To dispair is to sin.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Are you afraid of being the "bad guy"?

[penelope13]

How can you expect and hope that someone will be willing to change/ improve if you yourself are not capable to do so?

[sophie274]

How can you expect and hope that someone will be willing to change/ improve if you yourself are not capable to do so?

 

I really agree with this.

I get the impression that part of your big problem with this guy is that you hate in him what you hate in yourself - because aren't you two in similar situations? Living at home, unemployed, etc? Not that those things wouldn't be problems regardless of your situation, but I feel like the big revulsion you have might be coming from the fact that you yourself are in the same shoes.

 

He needs to change for himself, and you need to change for yourself. The relationship ... I've given my opinion on that before. I think it would be beneficial for you to focus on getting yourself out of the situation you're in, both materially and emotionally, before trying to be part of a couple again.

 

I've been single for a year, so I know where you're coming from. I miss all the boyfriend and couple things and having that special someone in my life, but given how much better I feel now than I did a year ago, I'd say the time to myself was worth it.