He wants kids, I don't...now what?

[gataki]

I've been with my bf for 4.5 years and we plan to get engaged soon. We've had our ups and downs like any couple but we've made it and we know we'll have a good life together.

 

BUT, the other day we had a serious talk about things we have to figure out before we get married, and kids is definitely one of them. It was always kind of on the back burner because neither of us wanted any anytime soon. I've never really wanted any but thought I might change my mind later. And he also wasn't 100% set on one. Well, in our discussion, he pretty much said that he does want one but if it doesn't happen, it's ok. So for us to be on the same page, I'd have to have the same view. BUT I really don't think I want a kid. I'm 28 years old now and have zero maternal instinct. I have no desire for a kid.

 

This puts me in a tricky spot. I've always mentioned that I didn't really want kids but I was never dead-set on it since I thought I might change my mind. It's looking like I won't be changing my mind. He assumed that I'd be fine with the "1 kid and if it doesn't happen" idea but how can I say yes to that if I'm just not 100% sure I could have a kid.

 

I'm confused right now. The ball's in my court basically and now I have to tell him "yes" or "no" on the kid situation. I'm leaning towards "no". This may have huge consequences. There really isn't any comprimising in this either which sucks. I wouldn't want to give him any false hope of having a kid if he stays with me. And I don't want to have a kid just to stay with him either. He's going to be absolutely heart broken if I say "no" to having kids... Oh man!

 

Also, what if we do end up breaking up over this and then later we get married to other people and he doesn't even end up having a kid and I do end up having change of mind and having one! How crazy would that be!

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Seraphim]

NEVER give anyone false hope in this, it will lead to resentment like you have no idea. Just be straight up and tell him you never want one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Also, what if we do end up breaking up over this and then later we get married to other people and he doesn't even end up having a kid and I do end up having change of mind and having one! How crazy would that be!

 

Life changes and people change. I knew someone who wanted children but her husband didn't. After several years their marriage fell apart for other reasons. By the time the marriage fell apart she was about 40. Her ex then went on to marry someone else and decided he wanted children after all! By the time she met someone else it was too late for her to have children. So things like this do happen. You can't focus on the what-ifs..you have to make a decision based on what you feel now. If, at this point in time, you think you won't ever want to have children, then you need to tell him exactly that.

[XxJustMexX]

I'ma tell you a story that is exactly what you're going through...

 

4 years ago, my friend Tasha wanted NOTHING to do with children... She absolutely HATED children! She was 28 at the time... I already had my two children by this time and she had no idea why I would want children... She would constantly tell me that "it" would ruin her life... "It" would get in the way of her partying... "It" would basically get in the way of her life... She absolutely was DEAD SET on not having children. She was the last person on earth I would have thought would ever have one planned...

 

Then one day when she was about 30, not even kidding you... OVERNIGHT, she woke up and decided she wanted a baby. She and her husband tried for over a year and they couldn't conceive... It broke my heart to see her heartbroken every day for that year... I don't know why, but I guess that biological time clock hit her... She was finally able to get pregnant when she was 31 and has turned out to be the BEST mother ever... A better mother to her daughter than I've seen most women who have always wanted children...

 

She went from thinking a child would be the worst thing in her life, to being inseperable with her daughter... Her whole life's changed around... She doesn't even want to party, she doesn't want to go out... everything revolves around her daughter.

 

So yes, I believe that no matter how much a person thinks they don't want children, yes... it can change. (Especially around your 30s!)

 

BTW, I know this isn't helpful to your post... I just thought I'd throw in that whole don't be so sure you don't want children thing...

[Sanesoul]

I agree with Victoria, be straight up with him. You have to get this resolved before moving forward with marriage. It's a really major life decision.

[shessofly]

you gotta tell him how you feel about this right now, regardless of what might happen in the future.

[shes2smart]

So yes, I believe that no matter how much a person thinks they don't want children, yes... it can change. (Especially around your 30s!)

 

Lots of things can change....doesn't mean they will.

 

From about the age of 15 forward, I haven't wanted kids. Haven't heard a single "tick" of this biological clock I'm supposed to have. I turn 46 in about 2 months, so that'd make 31 solid years of not wanting kids.

 

For someone who knows they want child(ren), there comes a point where, "I might change my mind....(in a few years) (when I hit 30) (when we're more settled/financially secure)" isn't a good enough answer from a potential partner. None of us can fortell the future with 100% accuracy, so all we really have to base decisions on is the information we have right here, right now.

[thejigsup]

I absolutely hated children, HATED THEM! Then, I got pregnant, couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, went through an entire pregnancy very resentful at everything, had my son, AND FELL IN MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM!!! I proceeded to fall in love with children in general and now prefer them to adults. I became a teacher and love it! NEVER say never! I wouldn't break up a good relationship over this. Kids are really cool once you have one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Lots of things can change....doesn't mean they will.

From about the age of 15 forward, I haven't wanted kids. Haven't heard a single "tick" of this biological clock I'm supposed to have. I turn 46 in about 2 months, so that'd make 31 solid years of not wanting kids.

 

For someone who knows they want child(ren), there comes a point where, "I might change my mind....(in a few years) (when I hit 30) (when we're more settled/financially secure)" isn't a good enough answer from a potential partner. None of us can fortell the future with 100% accuracy, so all we really have to base decisions on is the information we have right here, right now.

 

I completely agree. When I was in my twenties plenty of people told me I would change my mind and suddenly feel maternal instincts and want children. I insisted that I knew that I would never want children. They all looked at me "knowingly" and said "you'll see". To this day I have never wanted children..I never changed my mind.

[DN]

I agree that this is something that should be talked about. If he is in any way uncertain that he might want kids in the future then it would be foolish to take the risk and get married.

[Puddincup]

I completely agree. When I was in my twenties plenty of people told me I would change my mind and suddenly feel maternal instincts and want children. I insisted that I knew that I would never want children. They all looked at me "knowingly" and said "you'll see". To this day I have never wanted children..I never changed my mind.

 

Me too....no biological clock ticking here...never wanted them and still don't and I'm in my late 40s.

 

OP, if you are young, you may change your mind but you might not. I would just be honest with your boyfriend about it: right now you don't want children and can't see it changing in the future although you never know but wouldn't want him to hang onto the hope that it would change because it might not. that was a long sentence...

[gataki]

Thanks for all your feedback! Lot's of good points! I'm definitely not taking this lightly and will think about and discuss it with him a lot. I don't want things to end unless there is just no other option.

[Unknown1607307972]

I am young, and when I say I don't want kids nobody takes me seriously which I find really offensive. I know it's not 100% certain I never will change my mind but I am not someone easily swayed. All the signs for now indicate no. I have a lot of experience with kids in my life, and I have an incredibley short temper plus depression and anxiety disorders which makes me a nightmare if I am stuck responsible for kids for too long. Plus the fact that I am pretty sure I am tokophobic, I find the idea of pregnancy even, let alone childbirth, horrific. I have frequant nightmares and have since I was very very young about pregnancy and the feeling I get from it is comparable to having a bomb strapped around my stomach.

 

The fact is that if you and your boyfriend are thinking of marriage, wait, at least a little while. Don't marry him with uncertain views as it could all end in tears.

[Sanesoul]

A lot of this was the same for me. My family actually agreed with me that I should never have children.

 

My daughter was an accident, and I thank God that I got the chance to have this bond.

 

I'm not saying it changes for everyone, but I was diehard against having children, and now I'm so thankful that I have my little girl. Of course, she will be my only one .