Why can't I be a normal person?

[GarnetRed]

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I'm in my late 20s. From the very beginning of college through several years after, I was in a relationship. It was my first real relationship, pretty much my first eveything. Four years ago that ended, not well, and i was really torn up for a long time after. And since then I haven't done so much as held hands with a guy.

 

Last night I was out at some bars with some friends of a friend (wee all went to the same college) and at one point i was alone with a couple of the guys (not single) and they were like "How is it you've been here for 9 months and you're single?" (I'm fairly new to this area). I just told them I hadn't met anyone I liked. And one said "But you still take guys home, right?" and suddenly I felt like the weirdest person in the whole world.

 

Everyone I know is either really able to date and lose and date again, or is married to one of their very first loves, and very happily. And then there is me- this pretty, interesting, charming girl who no one seems to understand why isn't with someone or picking guys up left and right. I mean, when people are awkward or shy or anti-social, other people just seem to accept that they're perpetually single. Me, I'm none of those things, and I feel like people look at me like some sort of weird creature because of this.

 

I really want to be with someone, but I just don't LIKE people romantically easily. I can't remember the last time I was infatuated with someone. I really REALLY try, but I can't. And anyways, it's nigh impossible to meet single guys unless you want to cruise bars, which obviously isn't me. I try to get into online sites but reading the profiles just turns my stomach.

 

People keep saying it will happen when it's meant to happen, but until then I just get to be lonely, frustrated, and depressed? It's been FOUR years of nothing for me, not even hope, and so often now I just wish I could be one of those people who could just hop from person to person. I'm beginning to hate myself for being such a freak. I just don't know what to do.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think you should base your self-perception about the normality of your relationship patterns on the comments of drunken guys in bars, no offense to them.

 

If you want to date, start asking some guys out.

[Clarity]

I know how you feel, you could have been describing the female version of me. First of all, I don't think it's "normal" to take guys home that you're not seriously interested in - those guys must just hang around loose girls, I guess - be proud that you're not easy in that way!

 

Secondly, I can't tell you anything you haven't already heard, but there's nothing we can do but keep trying. Have you tried online dating? I haven't found a long-lasting relationship through it yet, but it certainly has afforded me meeting a lot of nice, pretty girls that I never would have.

 

Sometimes people who are good catches, but quiet, don't get noticed in settings like bars, etc. and I've found online dating to be good in the sense that people get to see from my profile that I'm an extremely well-rounded individual. I know a lot of people will be down on online dating or have nightmare stories, but there are a lot of regular guys and gals on there just looking for a match.

[nutbrownhare]

Really, don't take any notice of other people's judgments of what you should or should not be doing. I frequently get the 'I can't believe you're not married!', along with a lecture of why I should be; disbelief that I haven't got kids ... all the rest. Actually, I'm very happily single and have never wanted to be a mother ...

 

You don't say how long you and your long-term partner were together, but it could be that you're still healing from that relationship, especially if it ended badly. Don't feel a freak for not taking guys home with you; that's a sure-fire way to end up feeling awful about yourself, and used. As you have seen, trying to force yourself to have emotions you just DON'T have, never ever works.

 

In the meantime, cultivate yourself and your interests - being single does not condemn you to be lonely, frustrated and depressed at all. The happier you are when out of a relationship, the easier it is to make wise choices if and when the opportunities come along, because you won't be needy. While you obviously would like to be involved with someone, are you sure that this is the only reason for your depression? If not, address this for yourself before you even contemplate having a relationship.

[Brightest Dark]

You're not a freak. You just have high standards - and that's a good thing. Sure, it can be lonely when you're single - but it's better to be single than with someone you're not really into who won't make you happy. I'm similar (except I'm shy) - there are hardly any guys I am interested in. I'm not into how the average guy looks. I'd rather stay single than be with a guy that I am not attracted to. I WISH there were more guys I was attracted to - but there just don't seem to be. I think the older you get the less cute guys are around and single. Guys lose their hair, everyone puts on weight... it's quite depressing, but there's not much you can do about it. Just don't let others make you feel like you are a freak or there's something wrong with you. There isn't.

[GarnetRed]

But it seems like no matter what I do, no matter what interests and hobbies I cultivate, no matter how good I try to treat myself, I'm perpetually lonely. Almost all my friends are married or have partners, and no matter what I do, I'm alone. No matter how much I try to meet people, I rarely meet any single guys, and none so far I'm interested in. I try, I really do, but I feel nothing. Then I remember how infatuated I was when I was first with my ex, and how in love we were for a long time, and I wonder if that was my only chance at that, that everything else I might have no will never be anything more than ambivalence.

 

It's not that I still want to be with my ex, but I want as deep a feeling as I had when I was with him. Like when you see too people get together and they just seem to CONNECT so suddenly and easily.

 

I just can't bring myself into online dating. I've gone on the sites so many times but as soon as I start reading the profiles I just feel awful- no one sounds interesting, or shares my interest, and that's even when the profiles don't read like a fourth grader wrote them. And the idea of meeting with strange people you know nothing about so that they can size you up romantically just seems like lunacy to me.

 

I don't know, I feel like I'm just all out of hope at this point. I don't feel like my standards are high, I just want to meet someone I connect with. But considering how few guys I felt like I've connected with over my whole life (and this of course back in high school and college days when there were plenty of single guys) that at this point the chance of me meeting a single I connect with are about a million to one.

[msDazed_N_Confused]

Dear garnet, i know exactly how you feel.

I have been single for the last 3 years, not meeting one person that seems interested enough. And now i met someone, not sure this is going somewhere (i started a thread). But at least it has showed me, that there are people worth waiting for.

I have no idea how old you are, but i am 30 and i am not giving up hope...

[Clarity]

I just can't bring myself into online dating. I've gone on the sites so many times but as soon as I start reading the profiles I just feel awful- no one sounds interesting, or shares my interest, and that's even when the profiles don't read like a fourth grader wrote them. And the idea of meeting with strange people you know nothing about so that they can size you up romantically just seems like lunacy to me.

 

Look, what you're doing now is not working, right? You're not meeting new people, right? Online dating can help that. Sure there are a lot of people on there that wouldn't click with (just like in real life, which you have experienced first hand), but there could (and probably are) some who you *would* click with, it just takes a little bit of searching and filtering and *gasp* conversing with new people.

 

When we're older and we're not in school anymore, meeting new people doesn't just fall into our laps and our circles of friends (containing a lot of engaged or married couples) certainly don't offer up the same opportunities as they used to.

 

As I said, I'm in the same boat as you, but if it weren't for online dating, I probably wouldn't have met any new girls at all, but thanks to online dating I've met plenty and had some good dating experiences that have helped me grow as a single guy. The vast majority of experiences I've had have been positive. I really think online dating currently gets a terrible rap and has a stigma associated with it, but I see it being much more normal and accepted within a few years. People just don't have the time or localized social networks that they used to, people move to new cities, etc.

 

I have to say that I do find it amusing that the same girls who go out to bars are scared of online dating - as if the people you meet at a bar are somehow a cut above, haha. In fact, I have a coffee date tomorrow with a girl who is attractive, a successful accountant, and who seems down-to-earth and interesting, but yeah, the idea of going for a coffee with her to see if we click is indeed "lunacy" - I should stay home.

 

I'm sorry of the tone of my post is harsh, if it is - it's only because I feel sometimes people in a rut (myself included) need a bit of a firm push to get out of it. It's one thing to recognize that what you're doing isn't bringing the results you want - it's another to change what you are doing.

[GarnetRed]

Some people are into online dating, some aren't. I'm not. I doubt that will change because I've tried being into the sites and absolutely hated it. Considering that people managed to meet, date, and marry long before online dating there have got to be other ways of doing things. Actually, I know there are, but apparently my luck is utterly horrible.

 

I suppose someone has to be the loser single friend. I feel like I might as well just accept it all, all I've done is try to fight it and hold out hope, but that hasn't done me an ounce of good.

[Ms Darcy]

Some people are into online dating, some aren't. I'm not. I doubt that will change because I've tried being into the sites and absolutely hated it. Considering that people managed to meet, date, and marry long before online dating there have got to be other ways of doing things. Actually, I know there are, but apparently my luck is utterly horrible.

 

I suppose someone has to be the loser single friend. I feel like I might as well just accept it all, all I've done is try to fight it and hold out hope, but that hasn't done me an ounce of good.

 

People also got accross town long before there were cars and went to the bathroom long before there were toilets. I'm not ridiculing you AT ALL, I just hope that if you continue to find that you aren't having luck with dating that you re-consider online dating. I know myself and several other posters here have had excellent results from it.

[GarnetRed]

Ugh, tried again to check out a dating site. I just read a few dozen profiles. All online dating sites make me think is "If these are what people are like, I'm going to be alone forever."

 

There's no one like me, I guess I can't be normal.

 

Sorry, don't mean to be an utter downer, but I can't even describe what it feels like when everyone who meets you thinks you're great, and yet you can't connect with anyone, and you feel utterly out of sync with everyone.

[Ms Darcy]

Look, what you're doing now is not working, right? You're not meeting new people, right? Online dating can help that. ...

 

When we're older and we're not in school anymore, meeting new people doesn't just fall into our laps and our circles of friends (containing a lot of engaged or married couples) certainly don't offer up the same opportunities as they used to.

 

... I have to say that I do find it amusing that the same girls who go out to bars are scared of online dating - as if the people you meet at a bar are somehow a cut above, haha.

 

I totally agree. I have meet shadier folks in bars than online. It's an unfortunate stigma that does not even hold water. In my life, I would say 6 met their long-term bfs online and 4 met their spouses online. So out of maybe 100 couples I can think of, about 10% met online. Not a bad track record I think.

[Clarity]

Ugh, tried again to check out a dating site. I just read a few dozen profiles. All online dating sites make me think is "If these are what people are like, I'm going to be alone forever."

 

There's no one like me, I guess I can't be normal.

 

Sorry, don't mean to be an utter downer, but I can't even describe what it feels like when everyone who meets you thinks you're great, and yet you can't connect with anyone, and you feel utterly out of sync with everyone.

 

What is it about you that you feel separates you from everyone you meet, or see a profile of? Do you feel that you have self-esteem issues? I'm not implying, but just asking.

 

Do you live in a place where your lifestyle is far different from the norm (i.e. a city girl in the country or vice-versa)?

 

I'm just curious as to what the attributes are that you feel isolate you from the general population in terms of compatibility.

 

Before I started online dating, I assumed all the women on there would be losers, to be honest. I went into it with low expectations and, truth be told, there are a lot of women on there that I just can't date, be it because they are single mothers, or not compatible with me in other ways. However, I found there is also a sizeable portion of people on there just like me. Busy with careers, not into the bar scene, and with social circles that just don't produce a lot of "singles" opportunities. I've met a lot of smart, successful, attractive ladies, and I continue to do so. I'm of course hoping to fully click with one of them so that I can say "adieu" to online dating, but I don't know where I would be without it.

 

I understand that it's not for some people, but I just find it difficult to believe (unless the factors I mentioned above are in play) that there's just no one online that you find worth exploring. Bear in mind that an online profile rarely tells the whole story - you do actually have to talk to people. Just think, if you wrote an online profile, could it possibly describe everything that you are? Would someone want to message you?

[GarnetRed]

I don't know, it's hard to explain. I have looked at a few "speciality" dating sites where the guys have seemed more promising, but since they aren't large sites, there are VERY few people on them.

 

I just feel like i need to be around someone. I can't just know their interests and basic facts- really, so many people sound exactly the same- I need to hear the tone fof their voice, see their reactions, their body language, etc. It's always taken me a long time to warm up romantically to people, which is why I want to meet people in real life situations. People can say whatever they want over email, or chat, it really means nothing.

 

Maybe I'll go try looking at the smaller sites again. But I just don't hold much hope for online dating- I've only ever known one person who has had any real luck with it, and prior to that the dates she went on were absurbd at best.

[Clarity]

Umm, that's how online dating works - you meet up! You don't fall in love over e-mail or something silly like that, haha. You send a few messages back and forth, maybe over the span of a week or two, to figure out some basic things, make light conversation and, if you're both still interested, you meet up for a coffee or something low-key - that's when the real finding out if there's something there begins.

[GarnetRed]

Yes, but this where I have the disconnect. Just emailing or chatting a bit online won't tell me anything real about the person. So I don't find them interesting. ANd people put on a a different personality when they're trying to date or evaluate someone romantically. That's why I like meeting people socially in real life- because people actually tend to act genuine because they're not working within this "Should we date/do I like this person/do we click romantically" mindset.

 

Sorry, this is why I'm weird. I make no sense, I pray to wake up one day and be able to act everyone else and not be bothered by things like online dating.

[guynextdoor]

Garnet you gotta understand online dating sites people tend to be conservative. Maybe they don't want to expose everything about them or they didn't list all of their interests. You gotta understand you have to give this dating thing a try, its not going to hurt you, whether it online or meeting people through friends or activities. GL, just have fun, don't put a time limit on finding the right guy.

[GarnetRed]

How can dating not hurt you? Dating & relationships is like the #1 most painful and scarring thing in the lives of most of the people I've known, winning by leaps and bounds.

 

Thank you guys for your advice, and I know there are lots of people who enjoy dating as a fun activity, but you have to understand how, for some people, it's about as appealing as shoving nails into your fingers. I'm going to continue to try to be optimistic, and push my boundaries, but to be honest, I've pushed my boundaries out and out and out in the past already and it's been a wash. It's hard to keep trying when trying never comes to anything.

[Clarity]

I don't agree with whoever said that dating will not sometimes hurt, but you can't expect to get into a relationship without putting your emotions at risk. If anything, online dating has made a me more savvy dater, with a thicker skin for some of the things that, sadly, are a norm in the dating world (not online, just in general). Without this experience, I would probably be getting a lot more hurt by dates that don't work out - with dating experience comes experience into how to better manage your emotions as well.

[Capricorn3]

What is it about you that you feel separates you from everyone you meet, or see a profile of? Do you feel that you have self-esteem issues? I'm not implying, but just asking.

 

Do you live in a place where your lifestyle is far different from the norm (i.e. a city girl in the country or vice-versa)?

 

I'm just curious as to what the attributes are that you feel isolate you from the general population in terms of compatibility.

^^ I'm curious about this part too. What is it about yourself you consider "abnormal"? Or different? So far, I can't see anything, so it would help to understand why you feel you are not normal.

[guynextdoor]

Garnet like the old saying goes you can't wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't take dating seriously, it all part of getting to know people and seeing their qualities.

[GarnetRed]

^^ I'm curious about this part too. What is it about yourself you consider "abnormal"? Or different? So far, I can't see anything, so it would help to understand why you feel you are not normal.

 

I'm not really sure why it just seems like everyone always treats me like I'm something unusual. Not bad unusual, just unusual. People descibe me as eccentric, or weird, or say "I'm like no one they've ever met."

 

One thing that bothers me a lot is how I'm so rarely into someone. This isn't new. When i was a teen I watched my friends get infatuated time after time with people, same in college. Me, I can count on one hand the guys I've met in my ENTIRE life who I've been really into. I've never been able to figure out why this is, and the guys I've really had a thing for don't seem to have any single common thread.

 

Or maybe it's more like I'm either REALLY into someone or not at all. Which makes this whole casual dating thing just seem horrid- my interest in people has always sprung from a variety of interactions, not the forced examination situation of a random date.

 

Bleah, as usual I do a terrible job of trying to explain. Maybe I just want to be able to be optimistic and interested in lots of people, or want to be able to have random hook ups without caring- I just want to feel like I can have relationships like any other person instead of feeling almost entirely ambivalent, while at the same time intensely lonely.