6 years together, 7 months apart, I miss her

[AFriendInNeed]

Does anybody have any more thoughts on this?

[Lucy1982]

Hi, I know you have lots of questions but in all honesty I can't really answer them, the only person who can is your ex and the only way you'll get the answers is if you call her otherwise you'll never know. I honestly think it's time you just picked up the phone and called her.

[Cadence44]

Another one chiming in - call her!

 

Maybe a different perspective: Although your decision caused you and her much pain, maybe it ended up being for the best. You were wishy-washy and not sure what you wanted out of life. Do you think if you stayed together that the feeling would have gone away? It wouldn't. Think of the time apart as a positive thing - you learned how much you love her and want to be with her.

 

I honestly think you're delaying because you're scared that she will reject you. While that's understandable, remember that you probably caused her quite a bit of pain in the past 7 months. To keep stretching this out and trying to talk yourself out of it, then into it, then back out of it, you are delaying her the knowledge that you think you've made a mistake.

 

It sounds like you really love her. Try to stop thinking only of yourself and the repercussions for yourself. Think about what your call could mean to her - an end of the pain she's been feeling. If you love her, you will want this for her. Be selfless.

 

You should be upfront. I'm not saying to blurt it out right when she picks up, but if you're not upfront soon into the conversation she's going to put up walls. She's going to assume you're calling her for friendship and you're not going to get anywhere with her if that happens. She has to know 3 things: 1) you love her, 2) you miss her and 3) you think you made a huge mistake in breaking up with her.

 

I have good feelings about this but you should also give her time to get used to this new information. It sounds like with all the missed/ignored communications over the past 7 months she might feel like you walked away and didn't miss her at all. She's going to be a little bit shocked. So maybe telling her the above things should be done with no expectations. You know, "Because I love you I want you to know...." I don't think you should ask her how she feels about it but instead offer her time to think about it and process it. If the topic of the other girl comes up, be honest. You can emphasize that it felt like a mistake to you and being with the other girl only made you realize how much more you loved her, and how the other girl was simply no comparison to her.

 

Life is short. The longer you wait, the longer she's probably still in pain. Call her and see what happens. You will have done your best.

 

Good luck.

[AFriendInNeed]

Candence44, thank you so much, what a great response -- it really REALLY helps me to read things like this and reflect back on my GF. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

 

So here's a little update and/or my current thoughts on things:

 

I finished reading my diary from the last year of our relationship. Unfortunately, as I've now realized it is fairly incommplete. The entries mostly span the period between 8-4 months before we broke up. There is only 1 or two entires from 4 months till break-up and on. On reflecting though, I think I have a fair amount of old journals on my computer, definitely some of them are from this 4 month period. Also, I think I have some post-break up writing I'd like to read. Additionally, I had a long talk with my best friend last night about all this (i.e. my imminent plans to call GF and how I've been feeling about her lately).

 

I guess the thing is, I have two hesitations:

1. What if she rejects me? Ok, let's put a peg in this issue. Assuming that she won't reject me, or, if she might, it doesn't matter because I can't change this.

2. The real issue - My main hesitation is that I broke up with her to (among other reasons) experience more of what the world had to offer and really establish my own life. I guess part of me is reluctant to stop pursuing these other options -- I guess I mean both women and jobs/experiences. I mean to be honest, I don't have much of a desire to go out and meet anyone else. I'm constantly comparing them in some way to GF. And part of me feels like every kiss, etc, etc, is moving farther away from GF and betraying her even more (even though we have been separated for MONTHS).

 

Yet, regardless of WHY, I am hesitant, I KNOW that I need to call her. Immediately after our break up, my friend ignorantly suggested that since I had deliberated so long about breaking up with GF, and since I had now already DONE that, I should stop thinking about her. He told me that thinking about her was just upsetting me -- I had made a decision, time to be happy about being free. So I swallowed my emotions, and for the next 4 months I virtually stopped thinking about her. All until one night I started thinking about her again -- and COULDN'T stop. Since then it's been torture trying to live my life amid feelings of loss and loneliness, constantly thinking of GF on some level, yet trying to go out, live my life, be with girls, etc. This was not fun and not what I wanted. It CLEARLY a mistake to cut my thoughts of her out of my consciousness. It delayed my recovery process by MONTHS and may have pushed away the girl that I now begin to realize I've wanted more than anything, all along.

 

I know part of me is not calling because I'm scared of what her reaction might be, but part of it also has to do with wanting to make absolutely sure that I want her back. I cannot call her without first deciding what it is that I want out of the phone call. Regardless, I know I need to call so that I can begin the next stage of my healing/recovery process. This might mean getting back together, but it AT LEAST means talking to her, catching up, and asking how she's been / been feeling.

 

I know absolutely for sure calling her is the right thing to do. But I'm still trying to settle how I feel a bit more so I know what I'm looking for when we do finally speak.

 

Also, another pragmatic question. If I call and she doesn't pick up, should I leave a message? And depending on that, or regardless, should I try to call again in 10 minutes, or later in the day? Or the next day? Or week? Thoughts?

[Kashmir4321]

If she doesn't pick up, leaving a message would be reasonable. Just make it short, like "Hey this is ____, I know its been a long time, but call me back when you get the chance. Bye" Don't pour your heart out to her answering machine. Don't call again in ten minutes, she'll call you when she's ready.

 

You're reluctant to give up experiencing other women/experiences in general. But it sounds like you've done just that, and you don't seem to have enjoyed it. If you compare every woman to your ex, chances are you'll continue to do this. Maybe its because I was broken up with for similar reasons, but I think the whole wanting to experience life thing is kind of stupid. If you love them, you want to experience life with that person, not without them. And if you're partner is willing to work through the issues, there's nothing stopping the two of you experiencing life together.

 

I really hope everything works out in the end for you, good luck with your phone call!

[AFriendInNeed]

Thanks Kashmir, I appreciate your kind words. I'm crossing my fingers and thinking things through as best I can. Soon, all I'll be able to do is hope and pray my phone call answers her prayers and ends her pain, and mine.

 

In the meantime, I feel VERY strongly that I need to spend time focusing on myself, on my self-improvement, and on my feelings about our relationship. Part of me feels like I've only been comparing every woman to GF because I haven't found anyone very special yet. It's only been a few months.

 

More thoughts? Anyone?

[Ms Darcy]

I may have missed it, but what is your answer to this?

 

If you got back together with her, how would these issues be resolved?

 

A. We were never had very similar interests/hobbies. (me - snowboarding, hiking, relaxing at home; and GF - career focused, shopping, and going out at night).

B. We always had very different personality types (me - spontaneous, relaxed, and living-in-the-moment; and GF - planned ahead of time, ambitious, and driven for the future).

[rigguy]

Also, another pragmatic question. If I call and she doesn't pick up, should I leave a message? And depending on that, or regardless, should I try to call again in 10 minutes, or later in the day? Or the next day? Or week? Thoughts?

 

I don't know the full story but since you made the decision to break it off back than and now absolutely sure you want to call to see if you can get back together, you got to do what you set your mind on otherwise you might be "what if" questioning yourself down road. In case you get a vmail, absolutely do leave a message otherwise you will come accross as indecisive/unsure of what you want. As for calling back, make a decision when you get there, I'd give it a few days though. Cheers Riggy

[AFriendInNeed]

I guess the real answer is that these two issues had already began to disappear before our split. Over the almost 6 years we were together, we graduated grew more alike.

 

For example, in regards to our dis-similar interests: A few weeks/months before our split, GF had (upon my suggestion) even tried starting to meditate -- something that she would have previously NEVER done. Likewise, I had already started to embrace our nights out together (something she always loved) -- I guess when it comes right down to it, what I always cared about was just being with her, something it seemed like I never got to do enough. I mean a big reason for our split was the build up of a critical amount of stress from being long distance.

 

In regards to the personality difference, I guess in a big way, this would never really be resolved. But, as I said above, we had already begun to significantly grow together. And, moreover, we complemented each other in a AMAZING way. I'd calm her down and make her relax more; she'd keep me on track and not let me drift past important tasks/events.

 

I mean, we were always different, and this was always a source of doubt in my mind. BUT, we also complemented each other, and had been DEFINITELY growing towards each other.

 

Like I said in my last post, my main hesitation in a reconciliation involves my as of yet incomplete desires to experience other women. Granted, my experience as of yet has proven nothing but how much I love GF, but still....

 

Regardless, as I said earlier, I have already decided that it is imperitive that I call her in the imminent future. It is a neccesity for me to move forward, whether with her in my life or not. I must call and finally get some closure to our break up, whatever that means.

 

But F*&% I miss her...

 

I miss her.

[AFriendInNeed]

And Thanks rigguy. You're words are exactly what I'm looking for. Thank you.

[adviseseeker]

Calllll herrrrr.....

 

You are avoiding you know, and I think it will just continue like this...you'll just come up with new issues to fix! Don't be afraid, she won't bite!

[AlwayzRight]

The reason you need to call her RIGHT NOW is because at ANY TIME she could find something, someone new, and no matter whatever feelings for you are she could decide that no matter what happens she is moving on.

 

If that ends up being the case you could be telling yourself, "if I had only called her two weeks earlier" for the rest of your life.....you don't want that.

[minou]

What I'm concerned about is your desire to continuing exploring other women. That being said, I think you should take it slow, if she gives you the chance, and see how you continue to feel about this. You've already hurt her a lot and you don't want to do this again. I don't know about your rushing in all gung ho, that adore her when you still want to explore other women. I would tell her how much and how long you've been missing her and ask to see her and take time to explore your feelings. That sounds like a more fair way to go about this to avoid hurting her again. As far as your experiences with other women while apart, I think you might say you did see other women but stay vague about it for now. I personally think that after a breakup your personal life is not the other person's business. Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

Like I said in my last post, my main hesitation in a reconciliation involves my as of yet incomplete desires to experience other women. Granted, my experience as of yet has proven nothing but how much I love GF, but still....

 

I miss her.

 

If you call her and get closure, I think that is wise.

 

If you call her to get back together, I think that is unwise. Why? Because after so long together, if you are trying to reconcile at this point, it should be because she is the one and not just because you miss her. If you want other women, you need to move on.

[adviseseeker]

That's true, if you're still unsure if she's the one or not then coming back into her life may be a bad idea - you should be sure on that for the most part. I wouldn't take some time to work and fix issues right now, I'd take some time to really think over whether or not you'd like to spend the rest of your life with her or not, otherwise you will just open up an old wound for both of you.

 

What are the reasons why you miss her this much? Can you imagine spending your life with someone other than her? What do you feel about never seeing and talking to her ever again? etc. etc.

 

At the same time...you can't know for sure unless you do see her again. I would maybe set something up with the intention of catching up as friends and settling any bad feelings. If the feelings start coming back stronger and stronger for her then evaluate whether or not you want to go down that road again. You may not even be able to, it depends on her feelings as well. But you can't know for absolute sure which path to choose if you never see her again right?

[AFriendInNeed]

If you call her and get closure, I think that is wise.

 

If you call her to get back together, I think that is unwise. Why? Because after so long together, if you are trying to reconcile at this point, it should be because she is the one and not just because you miss her. If you want other women, you need to move on.

 

This is a huge problem for me, Ms Darcy. I'll explain...

 

I agree that if I'm trying to reconcile it should be because she is the one (not JUST that I miss her). And, I also agree that if I want other women I need to move on. Yet, my desires critically conflict.

 

First, in a HUGE way, I really and truly DO think that she is THE one. I mean, reading adviseseeker's comment about imagining "spending my life with someone other than her" (somewhat unexpectedly) made me start to cry. On a very real level, I find it hard to truly imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. On top of this, I miss GF very very much.

 

Yet, at the same time, I have to be honest with myself that I am still curious about dating around some more. I think this stems, at least in part, from the fact that b/c of our 6y long relationship, I never had a chance to date in HS or College. This past Wednesday I went out in NYC for St. Patrick's Day -- I had a blast. Mostly, I think, because I (finally) had the opportunity to flirt with some really cool and attractive girls at a friend's friend's apartment party. Point is, I don't get to do this very often. Part of me thinks that if I just could go out more I wouldn't be thinking about GF so much, missing her so much, and consequentially thinking about getting back together with her. I loved going out and it'd be great to be able to enjoy doing so for the next however long (couple months? a year? I guess it's hard to say how long it'd really want to devote a significant portion of my time to going out.) Moreover, even if it seems/is pretty fun, it's also very expensive, and ultimately empty. I mean I'm definitely a relationship kind of guy. I love to touch, but even more, I love to love. And I know I miss loving GF. I miss making love. Sex just isn't the same. Fun, of course, but obviously not even close to what I had with GF. It doesn't even compare. (Maybe this is obvious, but it is true.)

 

That's true, if you're still unsure if she's the one or not then coming back into her life may be a bad idea - you should be sure on that for the most part. I wouldn't take some time to work and fix issues right now, I'd take some time to really think over whether or not you'd like to spend the rest of your life with her or not, otherwise you will just open up an old wound for both of you.

 

Absolutely. I'm on the same page with your thinking 100% adviseseeker.

 

What are the reasons why you miss her this much? Can you imagine spending your life with someone other than her? What do you feel about never seeing and talking to her ever again? etc. etc.

 

I don't know exactly what the reasons are that I am missing her this much. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that I still have feelings for her. In my heart, I still hold onto our love and thus, I just can't completely let go of her and our relationship. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. But I guess I'm kind of just dancing around in circles..."why do I miss her"...?

 

Again, all I guess I can really come up with is that it's because of everything. Everything she is. Everything our relationship could be. Everything. I miss her. Period. Her French culture and language (including ethnic dinners with her family). (Especially since I've been learning French lately.) I miss her attitude towards life -- her constantly determined, work hard so it'll pay off, I can do anything -- additude. I guess in a big way, the reason our relationship worked so well is that we were each other's ying and yang. I forced her to be more relaxed. She forced me to be proactive and responsible.

 

More over, I guess what I'm realizing more and more is that I need to grow up. Not just for GF, but for myself. And I've come a long way, but not as far as I need to. I need to step up and accept the fact that my actions have consequences. I need to stop listening to that voice in my head sometimes saying "whatever, F*%^ this * * * * that I don't really feel like doing -- I don't feel like it. I'm not going to do it." I end up procrastinating and feeding a negative vicious cycle. I think on a very real level this was the biggest disconnect in our relationship (our differences in maturity levels).

 

But now, I'm ready to step up to the plate. Regardless of what happens with me and GF, I am finally moving forward again. It's slow progress at times, but I know that if I can simply keep up a consistent effort, that before long I'll be steamrolling down the hill with tons of momentum behind me. Moreover, if I really do want to get back together with GF, I think that showing her that I've grown up and matured will mean the world to her and make the (or a) difference.

 

At the same time...you can't know for sure unless you do see her again. I would maybe set something up with the intention of catching up as friends and settling any bad feelings. If the feelings start coming back stronger and stronger for her then evaluate whether or not you want to go down that road again. You may not even be able to, it depends on her feelings as well. But you can't know for absolute sure which path to choose if you never see her again right?

 

Right. I do definitely need to see her again to know. But alas, how do I act when I call and then see her? As minou pointed out, I can't very well approach her like I want to marry her (aka reconcile) if I'm not sure about it 100%.

 

But really, this is how I feel:

 

I feel like I'm gambling with my life. I feel like on a very very real level, I know that GF is who I want to be with, but I'm enticed by the prospect of experiencing life more on my own. It's like I'm in an exciting poker game. I sat down at the table. I'm having fun. I'm winning money. And now, I've won a good amount -- not enough to retire a completely rich man -- but probably enough to quit while I'm ahead and feel very satisfied with my decision. But ALAS, the poker game is FUN, and EXCITING, and I'm WINNING. Why quit now?

 

Why quit? Because continuing to play risks losing all the money I've won. Furthermore, it risks my satisfaction -- my goal was to play and have fun AND WIN. It's like, I could keep playing the game...but there's my wife waiting on the sideline, and she's not going to wait forever.

 

I'm torn. I honestly think I could marry GF and be happy for the rest of my life. I also honestly think that dating around and going out and living the single life is a fairly prerequisite part of complete life. How can I reconcile my feelings? I know I need to call her, but I know I need to decide what I want first. I SHOULD call, be it for closure, or for a chance at reconciliation, but how can I choose. On the one hand, I have someone who'd make me happy for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I have a myriad of fun experiences, yet to be had, and the very real option of eventually letting go and finding someone new. I like to think that I'm not the kind of guy who would be unhappy for the rest of his life pining over a lost love. No. Instead, I would, over time, move on, find a new AWESOME girl, marry, make babies, live a good and happy life.

 

But it'd be a life without GF.

 

Could a life without her really be so happy as I make it sound? Would it really be possible to so easily finish moving on and to find someone else who I could really fall in love with? It seems like it's impossible to tell.

 

And I still miss GF. I miss her daily. I miss her terribly. I want nothing more than to hug her and kiss her and make love to her and tell her she is mine forever, and then ride happily ever after into the sunset.

 

Thoughts?

Thank you sooooooooo much everybody.

I hope you all have an absolutely wonderful day.

[Ms Darcy]

Let me ask you, would see find it acceptable to get back with you tomorrow and start to spend the rest of her life with you while you explored other women?

 

Breakups are hard. Really hard. Think of it this way ... what is best for her?

[adviseseeker]

What exactly are you missing out on besides dating other women? You can be with someone and still experience all the fun things in life together, obviously that wouldn't include flirting with girls but you can do everything you say you want to do. You can do things with her or with your friends, or both.

 

Where's the guarantee that you will find someone just as great as she was? Sure you may move on eventually and probably end up with someone else, but would you like to live your life with regret of what could have been? Even if trying again doesn't work out, wouldn't it satisfy you later to know you gave love another shot? I think then I would be more capable of moving on and finding someone else, once I knew that it wasn't going to work out.

 

Everyone has to grow up sometime and it's a tough pill to swallow for guys, because you think that all the fun goes away. You have to realize that it's just a different type of fun, you don't need to be partying every weekend to have fun there is so much more. You can choose to be happy and have fun in life or you can choose to be a grumpy married guy who resents everyone. Would she keep you cooped up inside with no freedom? I doubt it.

[AFriendInNeed]

Let me ask you, would see find it acceptable to get back with you tomorrow and start to spend the rest of her life with you while you explored other women?

 

Breakups are hard. Really hard. Think of it this way ... what is best for her?

 

Ms Darcy, of course I wouldn't find it acceptable. If our positions were reversed, I wouldn't want her coming back to me (to spend the rest of our lives together) while she was exploring other men. But isn't this just an obvious fact? I'm clearly not going to reconcile WHILE I explore other women. That's the whole point of what I'm getting at. I'd be choosing her, AND, by the mutually exclusive nature of the decision, also choosing NOT to further explore other women.

 

What's best for her? Getting back together with me (assuming I'm 100% committed). And assuming I'm not? Clearly it'd be best for her NOT to reconcile. What I'm getting at is that what's best for her depends on what I've decided. Our love was so strong. I know-(READ AS: hope...) that she still loves me and getting back together would make her ecstatic.

 

What exactly are you missing out on besides dating other women?

 

Nothing else. Dating other women is precisely what I'm missing. lol. I agree I can do all that other stuff with her. You're right. UGH! Sometimes it's so frustrating even thinking about all this stuff. I just want to call her. I guess I'm thinking things through for her sake -- so I'm not careless with my words and feelings, and so I don't hurt her again. BUT * * * ?! I miss her.

 

Where's the guarantee that you will find someone just as great as she was? Sure you may move on eventually and probably end up with someone else, but would you like to live your life with regret of what could have been? Even if trying again doesn't work out, wouldn't it satisfy you later to know you gave love another shot? I think then I would be more capable of moving on and finding someone else, once I knew that it wasn't going to work out.

 

Nowhere. I don't have that guarantee. I know that. That's why I said I feel like I'm gambling. I feel very nervous about risking and losing something more special to me than I even realize. And yes, I agree, I don't want to live life regretting what could have been, but I have trouble taking this statement only one way. And at the same time, it WOULD definitely help satisfy me later to know that I tried. I think it would certainly help me move on -- if only by forcing me to do so.

 

I mean the question now is not whether I call. I've already decided that I will. It's more the point that Ms Darcy brought up. Should I be calling for closure? Or for reconciliation? Don't I need to decide before I call? Or if not, what do I say on the phone when I call her? I don't want to chase her away by seeming like I'm only offering friendship (something that I'm not sure either of us would want and be capable of sharing).

 

So, practically, what's my next step? What do you think?

[Ms Darcy]

What's best for her? Getting back together with me (assuming I'm 100% committed). And assuming I'm not? Clearly it'd be best for her NOT to reconcile. What I'm getting at is that what's best for her depends on what I've decided. Our love was so strong. I know-(READ AS: hope...) that she still loves me and getting back together would make her ecstatic.

 

So, practically, what's my next step? What do you think?

 

I'm a tricky woman ... I think what's best for her is what she wants. If what she wants is what you want then great. But if not, then you have to let her go.

 

When you know you what you want, give her a call and hear what she wants.

[AFriendInNeed]

I'm a tricky woman ... I think what's best for her is what she wants. If what she wants is what you want then great. But if not, then you have to let her go.

 

When you know you what you want, give her a call and hear what she wants.

 

Ms Darcy: First off, thank you so much for your comments. I think you really have a nack for bringing up some very insightful points.

 

Now, in response to your comment:

Obviously whats best for her is what she wants. That's what I was trying to convey with my (somewhat convoluted) response. Regardless, I can't really know what she wants until I call. And, moreover, if she still loves me and/or still cares for me and/or (at least) still wishes me well, then I think she wants whatever will make me happy. (Obviously she wouldn't want to be with me if it's not what I wanted.)

 

Furthermore, as adviseseeker mentioned, I won't really know what I want for sure until I can talk to her and/or see her again. I guess what I'm really wondering is this:

 

Should I call her even if I'm not 100% sure that I want to move forward with a reconciliation? And if so, how can I split the difference between catching up and being pushed away, while I try to solidify how I feel?

 

I mean I guess I know how I feel. I feel like being with her again would make me infinitely happy. I know that hugging her again would be like a wave of emotion crashing over me, swallowing up my pain. Sometimes I guess I just don't know what the * * * * I am even thinking about. I'm finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear. Why did I need to leave her in the first place?

 

I mean I know we were at a breaking point, but when I look back. I can't remember our fights. All I can see is the happiness she brought to my life. I miss those arms that held me when all the love was there.

[adviseseeker]

I think you do need to call her and see her before you're 100% sure, it's been a while and really you don't know what would happen until you do. You're feelings may or may not change, and her feelings may or may not be different. So... I'd suggest making the call to see if she'd like to meet up sometime for coffee and see where it goes from there, maybe think of some things to do afterward if things go well, then if you begin reconnecting you can take her somewhere else and have a good time.

 

So you can't remember the fights? I think that's an important aspect, you need to look back and figure out what feelings you and her had which started certain fights and whether or not you would have those problems again in the future if you got back together. If those things aren't fixed they'll probably happen again once you are settled in a relationship again.

[AFriendInNeed]

To be honest, I do 'remember' them. It's just that when I think back I feel like I'm only seeing smiles. I know why we fought. Or at least, I know why we usually fought: The long distance. When we were together, things were fantastic. The longer it got since I has seen her, the more intense our arguments became. If I had just seen her, we'd talk on the phone and be all lovey dovey. If it had been longer, and longer, and longer, and now over a month, etc, etc -- then we'd be more and more and more at each other's throats.

 

I'm not saying it was the ONLY reason we argued. But it definitely was the #1 reason.

[adviseseeker]

You're in the same city now, right?

 

Hmm this is a difficult situation because you still have doubts. I worry about you waiting so long that by the time you come to a conclusive decision she has already moved on....but it's hard because you don't want to give her the wrong impression or let her down.

 

Honestly though you've gotta get it out of your mind that she would get back together right when you say 'jump'. It wouldn't be a smooth ride, even if things started to look promising they can change in an instant. You've hurt her, she sounds like a strong independent person and most likely has too much self-respect to just let you back in so easily. Please don't think that she's weak. It's been a while, she's gone through a long healing process no doubt but she's got a lot going for her, don't think that she doesn't have options.

 

So anyway, it's obviously not about just having sexual experiences with other women for you. You love her, you miss her and you fantasize about how happy you could be with her again...but you sort of want to date other women and you don't seem to be having much fun with that. Honestly all this talk just sounds like you're looking for a way out of what you already KNOW is the best decision for you. I think you know it already but you're dodging because it's scary. The longer you wait though the more chance that she moves on with someone else and the opportunity is lost.

 

If you need a bit more time to figure it out by all means, just don't let her be the one that got away by stalling forever! Don't worry about what to say either, let it all come naturally. It probably will end up being so easy that you'll just wonder why you worried so much!

[Kashmir4321]

AFriendInNeed, it seems like you've talked yourself out of the feelings you were so sure of last week. You understand that if you're getting back together with your ex it might be for good, and the thought of possibly missing out pretty much casual dating, or maybe possibly finding a new "One". But if you think your ex is the one, then...one of these women is not truly the one. Ah thats so confusing....but anyways.

 

I've got to agree with adviceseeker and say that being with one woman does not equal the end of fun. The justification of leaving someone you love so that one can "experience life" is ridiculous to me. You love them, so experience life with them. Unless you think that there are some things you really need to experience that you couldn't with your ex.

 

So I guess this is my advice: Say you could magically review the outcomes of both reconciling and totally moving on. Imagine that you reconcile, and think about what exactly you would be missing out on. Now think about what you would miss out by moving on. Which one hurts the most? The life without your ex, or the life without a period of being single?

 

I know you have a tough decision to make, but you don't have to make it quite yet. Maybe just talk to her first, you don't even know for sure if she would want to reconcile. She's been through a really tough time and is going to be very wary of getting hurt again.

 

So. If you call her, you've got to somehow steer clear of appearing to want only friendship, but for the first encounter I'd say don't pour your heart out just yet. So many dumpees here are advised not to break No Contact until the dumper expresses a heartfelt desire for reconciliation. You can't beat around the bush for too long or she may back away. Maybe like second third or fourth encounter you should know exactly what you want.