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6 years together, 7 months apart, I miss her


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Dear Helpful Stranger,

 

This is a request for help. Please, I'd really appreciate it if you could spare a few minutes of your time and give me some advise. I know this is a long post. The 1st paragraph is a summary of my situation. Just read the first paragraph if you don't feel like reading this whole thing. If you're interested, read on and give me a little input. Thank you.

 

*I am daily more and more paralyzed by my intense feelings of longing for my ex-girlfriend; I need advise or at least some suggestions and input as to how I should best proceed.

 

Summary Of My Situation:

Seven months ago, I broke up with GF, after being together for the last 5 years and 8 months of my life. There were a few main reasons: A. We didn't share very similar values B. We didn't share very many interests/hobbies C. I hadn't had another real relationship which made me doubt my desire to stay with GF permanently D. We were long distance. Ironically, our relationship came to it's breaking point just before we were originally scheduled to move in together (which would have alleviated the biggest factor in our break up - D. The long distance). I now realize that, at the time, my thinking was completely biased against GF and living in NYC with her. I thought of every reason I'd hate the city, and rationalized that due to her new 80+ hrs/week job, I'd never even get to see her. After breaking things off, we haven't had contact apart from a very few instances, equivalent to virtually zero contact. Now 7 months later, I can't stop thinking about her and how great our life together would've been. I'm not regretting my decision to break things off -- I think it was the only choice I had at the time; I was completely distraught and needed to find my own path for a while. Rather, I regularly think about her, miss her, sometimes cry a little. I want to call her so badly but I am scared of what might happen. I don't know what to say if I can't tell her I miss her and love her (which is how I really feel, and perhaps not the best first thing to say after not talking for 7 months). Should I call her? If so what should I say? I don't want to push her away; I feel like I'd give almost anything to be with her again.

 

Continuation:

So like I was saying above, there were 4 main reasons we broke up:

A. We were never had very similar interests/hobbies. (me - snowboarding, hiking, relaxing at home; and GF - career focused, shopping, and going out at night).

B. We always had very different personality types (me - spontaneous, relaxed, and living-in-the-moment; and GF - planned ahead of time, ambitious, and driven for the future).

C. For practically the entire length of our entire relationship, I constantly had a certain amount of doubt about us. -- In other words, because we had met when we were so young (me, 17, her, 16), I never had a chance to date anyone else, and thus felt unsure if she was the person that I wanted to be with the rest of my life. (This was compounded by reasons A & B).

D. Sadly and MOST unfortunately of all, our relationship was long distance (~4hrs drive apart). Approximately, on average, we saw each other only once every two weeks. This last reason caused me uncountable nights alone, wishing I was with her, longing for her touch -- NEVER seeing her as much as I wanted nor needed.

 

I feel like both of us wanted things to work out so badly that we were already beginning to grow more similar. She had already taken up learning to meditate, which is something she would have never considered if not for my enthusiasm towards it. The main thing that killed us was our long distance, something that was ironically about to end before I broke things off. I really do feel like from a large perspective we DID want much the same things and had many of the same values: family, kids, marriage, loyalty, happiness, travel, fun -- we both had already agreed that after this intense period of Investment Banking for the next couple years (2 - 5 years?), she would work less because we'd be more finically secure.

 

But 7 months ago, my psyche had come to a critical point. And now, months later I can clearly see how I had no other choice than to leave her. My heart just couldn't take the torture of missing her and being so seemingly different from her; not even for another minute. I felt I had to go and I knew 100% that I was making the right decision.

 

But was I really? No! It was just that I had no other choice at the time; I was simply at a breaking point. The whirlwind of negativity that I had built over the past months and years took a heavy toll on my logical mind. My thinking at this time was almost completely biased. And sadly, my flawed biased thinking led me two make two choices in succession, that equaled our break up.

 

My resentment towards missing GF slowly spiraled into me hating her job too. A VERY ambitious woman, GF rose to the top of her class in college and managed to get one of the few coveted investment banking analyst positions available. Upon graduation, she wanted to move in together with me in the city and start her 80+ hrs/week prestigious career. Pessimistically, I told her that the city was everything I didn't want -- it was too crowded, and dirty, and polluted, and the air was bad, and you can't see the stars at night, and I didn't know anyone there, and it was EXPENSIVE, and simply put: NYC was not where I wanted to live when I graduated college. And possibly most importantly, the central reason I would be moving to the city seemed empty -- i.e. why should I move to NYC to be with her if she was going to be working so much that I would 'practically never' see her? Wouldn't that be just like we were still long distance? I couldn't deal with another day of long distance.

 

But what a load of BULL?! Not even once did I give fair consideration to the wonderful things the city had to offer me. A Bikram yoga studio only a few blocks from our apartment; a myriad of socio-cultural events every day/night; a very close proximity to my brother living in Brooklyn; great restaurants; night life; --- the list seems to go on and on. And furthermore, how could I have over looked finally being able to realize my/our/her ~6 year long dream: WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED TOGETHER EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

 

Alas! I couldn't see it from that perspective back then. All I could see was the dirty city I didn't want to live in, with a girlfriend who I wouldn't get to see. On top of all this, I hadn't found a post-graduation job yet. This tremendously worried GF who expected (of course) for me to pay 1/2 the rent each month when we moved in together.

 

So in March of 2009, 3 months before our break-up, with GF putting a lot of pressure on me to find a job ASAP, and all this BS biased thinking in my head, I told her we wouldn't be living together upon graduation. Smashing our dreams. I want to cry just thinking about it.

 

Over the next couple months things only got more frantic. Both of us were about to graduate college in May. Having already eliminated the possibility of living with GF, I slowly but surely, systematically came to the decision that we needed to separate -- take a break at least -- for a while.

 

WHY?! - Because I felt I'd never see her and I was tired of constantly missing her. Because I have a few doubts about us. Because I didn't know what else to do. Because I thought it was the right decision. ------ I was biased. I was confused. I was stupid.

 

I can't understand why I turned down the option to live with her, finally realizing OUR DREAM of living together.

 

It's been 7 months. I miss her. I miss her on a daily basis. I think about her. I feel her in my heart. I think about the life we could be living right now. I think about how I haven't called her since we broke up.

 

Which brings me to the point of this whole story: Should I call her? I want to SOOO badly. I don't know why I don't yet. I think a big part of me resists it because I'm terribly scared of her rejection. I'm worried that she won't even talk to me because I've cut her out of my life in such a big way for the past 7 months. Like a confused and hurt stubborn-idiot, I keep putting off calling her. I didn't know if I could take it. I just didn't know what to say if I couldn't tell her that I still love her, that I still miss her, that I cry thinking about her because my heart LONGS for her love.

 

Now 7 months + 1 week after our break up, I want to call to her SO BADLY; More than anything else in the world I want to call her, but I feel incredibly scared of what might happen when I do. I STILL LOVE HER. And though I'm not 100% sure what our life together would be like, I feel certain that being with her would make me happy. Living with her would make me happy. I even feel like I could eventually marry her -- and love every second of being a husband and father.

 

I'm not sure of ANYTHING anymore in my life. But I do know that I miss GF. And I do know that she brought so much light into my life that it still illuminates my heart. I want to call her but I don't know what to say and I am scared.

 

Also a few words about meeting someone else: I did. Only a month after my break up with GF, I started VERY casually dating NG, a girl who I had hooked up with a few times about 8 years ago. I did everything in my power to keep things casual -- that is, except for treating her in the same way I was used to. Basically over the next 6 months our relationship grew very slowly but surely into something more serious than I wanted. Two days ago, I met with her and broke off all contact, saying I needed space. I think the real reason is that I know getting back with GF has ZERO chance while I still even remotely see NG. NG helped me to move on in a way, but also impeded my progress forward. She was understanding, always very accommodating of what I wanted, and very nice and polite. But I never could really get into liking her, mostly b/c of thinking of GF. I think on some level still being with NG was and is why I've never called GF since our break up. Now, thinking back on my time with NG, I can't help but think, over and over, "Why was I ever with NG? GF was better in almost every way I can remember. Most importantly, I loved GF and still do. I do not love NG."

 

They say you don't know what you got till it's gone, but even when we were together I knew how special GF was. During the final year of our relationship I kept a diary; I read most of it last night and will try to read the rest today. It feels kind of strange to recall my past emotions and thoughts about her. In a bunch of the entries, I seem tremendously angry at her, or if not that, just plain lonely and sad. These entries portray her as someone I want to break up with, but at the same time dearly love; thus, I can't bring myself break up with her. Now, months AFTER our break-up and constantly thinking about how much I miss her, it feels odd reading a record of my past desires to leave her.

 

Something else telling of my true intent: I have been very regularly using Rosetta Stone, a foreign language learning program, to learn French. GF's entire family speaks it; And I think, on some level, I fantasize about one day calling GF and while speaking fluent French, asking her to be mine again. And hearing her say yes.

 

Please help me figure this out. Any input is welcome. Thank you.

 

Sincerely,

 

A Friend In Need

 

PS - There is a LARGE party in NYC this Saturday that we were both invited to. It's at at bar/club/longue with 250+ people at least, and it's basically a reunion party for an organized-trip we on together. Should I go? Should I message her about this, asking if she's going?

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I want to call her but * * * am I suppose to say? Sorry for not calling you for 7 months, let's get back together?

When we broke up she was devastated, but also seemingly alright. She asked that we stay in touch and talk every couple weeks. We did actually talk about 2 weeks after our break-up, but only kind of a cut and dry 'how are thing going' type of conversation for 5 or 10 minutes. After that she tried to call once a week or two later but I missed her call. Sadly, I didn't feel up for calling her back, so I didn't. A couple more weeks later, on Yom Kipur (the jewish holiday of forgiveness), she text messaged me to say, exactly, "I am sorry if I have wronged you this year. I never meant to hurt you - all I want for you is sincere happiness." Ironically, I was strongly considering sending almost an identical message earlier in the day, but my phone died, and I didn't get the message till the next day - so I didn't end up sending her one. Next thing was like a few weeks later she e-mailed me asking politely for me to give her back all the poems I had written for her over the years we were together (she had given it to me just before the break up in an effort to remind me how much I loved her). I never responded to this e-mail. Since then there has been no contact except for me texting her on her birthday to say happy birthday (which was about 4 months after our break up). She has a ton of things going on in her life and I think after we split up, she simply immersed herself in her long hours at work, friends, and going out.

 

I am tempted to just throw caution to the wind, sometimes I feel like, how could she not be having many of the same feelings? But I know it's really impossible to tell without talking with her. One thing that gives me hope: I still have the key to her heart. (It's this little silver key attached to a tiny silver heart.) It's very special to her and she only gave it to me in the last year of our relationship. It's suppose to be for the man she wants to marry, and she always used to say it held great significance to her. Before breaking up, she had asked me to bring it to our final talk's location. But then told me to keep it because she had faith in us or something like that.

 

Writing about it, I just took it out to look at it in the first time since we broke up. You know, sometimes I forget that I even have it. It makes me have faith that we could reconcile one day.

 

But it's still hard to say. There's a few main reasons I can think of:

1. I think GF will probably feel on some level that I betrayed her for not even calling once in these 7 months apart.

2. I also know that GF used to tell me when we were together how she didn't know if she could ever be with me again if she knew I had slept with someone else. (I did this a few times already and even had a short term casual relationship that I just recently completely ended.)

3. She might be casually seeing someone and have already kinda moved on. And while her facebook status still says single (a very good indication of her true status), she very well could be seeing someone, although really, I have no idea (other than that there are pictures of her with a couple different guys on facebook).

 

Do you really think a party like this would be a good place for a first meeting/contact in so long? Especially since we went on this organized trip together and the people from our group knew us as a couple. To be fair probably not all that many people from our group would be going, but I'm sure some would and if our group hung out together at this party (which is likely), I think it would throw me and GF into an awkward situation. I know there'll be 250-300 people at this thing, so maybe the chance of seeing her isn't all THAT high, but I think she's almost definitely going, and I'd be surprised if I didn't at least see her there if I went. I just don't know that it's the best venue/timing.

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Ya got an indecision problem, friend. Step up. Be a man. Call her and get this thing sorted, one way or the other. At least you'll know.

 

I don't want that to come off as insulting. You seem like an intelligent and sensitive chap, which is all for the good. But dithering about what could and could not happen is not going to solve anything. Wouldn't you rather just *have* an outcome rather than sitting around dreading what the outcome could be?

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For the purpose of this hypothetical scenario, let's assume she does still have feelings for you, and you call her up for idle chit-chat and catching up, she may assume you only want friendship. If my ex did this, I would decline a friendship because it would be too hard for me, and I want nothing less than a committed relationship. In a perfect situation, my ex would let me know that he does still love me, and wants to slowly mend the broken relationship. Perhaps you should contact her and be honest about your thoughts and feelings? Hope this helps some!

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So obviously the consensus is that I should call her ASAP. But I have two reservations/questions.

 

First, is it really best to just say things on the line like that? Do you really feel like I should be blatantly honest about my current feelings for her? I'm worried that might scare her off. I feel really unsure about calling her and what she'll say since we haven't talked in the whole last 7 months since our break-up. Maybe just start out by telling her I've been thinking about her and that I wanted to call and see how she was doing? And while I realize that she could perceive my re-initiating contact as a sign I want friendship, I do not want friendship (at least not now). If am indeed actually going to call her, I'd want to do it so that we could move toward something more.

 

Second, there are a few things in my life I want to straighten out (i.e. things about me I've been working on improving). To give a couple EXAMPLES:

---I still haven't picked up my college diploma b/c of a slight mix-up with the registrar's office - correcting this will be easy but might take a couple weeks. ---Likewise, I've been working on getting more healthy (eating right w/ good exercise) but haven't gotten to a point where I feel satisfied yet -- I recently was sick and this set back my goals substantially. ---I am not making a large amount of money at my commission based job, so I haven't been able to save much money. I'd like to be slightly more financially secure (which I could easily achieve by putting more time into my job). ---I am in the process of learning French so that I can be proficient when we finally talk. I'd like to have a couple more weeks to finish mastering this.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that I feel like I haven't "accomplished" much from taking our break. What did I even do while we were apart? I feel like I have a better case at getting back together with her if I had more of a feeling that this break happened for a reason.

 

So...what do you think about these two things? Basically, I'm thinking that if have indeed decided that I want to call her, maybe I should wait a couple weeks. What real difference will it make? Any negative one? Maybe not. Thanks again for all the help. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you.

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But what should I say? And can I wait a couple weeks first to finish getting my life even more on track and in order?

 

What difference will that make? Look, there's no guarantee that she'll even want to hear you. If she hates your guts, the ability to speak French or your having a diploma won't magically cause that to change. Similarly, if she has missed you, she won't... Well, I don't know what. It won't multiply her desire. It's there or it isn't. If you *must* wait for something, I'd say wait for the party. But that seems a little silly, and it'll really suck if you get there and she has a greasy bohunk on her arm.

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I can't almost CERTAINLY say she HAS missed me. More the question is whether she misses me now enough to want to talk to me and maybe start seeing each other again. While I agree I need to act on these feelings imminently, I think that it would be prudent to really think back over everything I've been feeling lately and try to get a little perspective -- If I'm calling her to get back together, that is a BIG decision in my life. So supposing I call her in 2 weeks from now. That might feel right to me.

 

Regardless of if it's sooner than that though, don't you think it'd probably just be better to avoid this party and wait to meet up with her and talk afterwards. I feel like it'd be much better to meet one on one to start with, if/when we finally do.

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I think that if you decide to call her later rather than sooner, like in the two weeks you suggested, then maybe its best to avoid the party. That way you ensure that the first time you talk to her she'll know it was because you have missed her, not because you happened to bump into her at some party.

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Thanks for the input everyone. I guess as of now I'm heavily leaning towards trying to use these next couple weeks to further improve my life in whatever ways I can; simultaneously, this will give me time to re-evaluate if re-initiating contact is what I really want. As I said, I think there's a good chance that even a couple phone calls could quickly turn back into a relationship -- but while a huge part of me LOVES this idea and would love nothing more than to be in her arms again, I feel like I need to be careful about climbing back down this slippery slope.

 

Thus, I think waiting a little while would be good and so I guess I'll probably just skip the party this weekend; I don't have a burning desire to go anyway. And like I said, even more importantly, I think it will matter to her what I have been doing these past 7 months. Being able to tell her I've got my diploma, that I'm doing Bikram yoga 5 days a week, that I'm eating healthy, and that I'm having fun and doing well (and maybe saying part of this in French), would make a significant difference when we talk. Partly in my additude, but mostly because that's who she is: she's attracted to ambition and intellegence -> not laziness.

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If you got back together with her, how would these issues be resolved?:

 

A. We were never had very similar interests/hobbies. (me - snowboarding, hiking, relaxing at home; and GF - career focused, shopping, and going out at night).

B. We always had very different personality types (me - spontaneous, relaxed, and living-in-the-moment; and GF - planned ahead of time, ambitious, and driven for the future).

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Thank you once again for the advise. It's invaluable and I really REALLY appreciate it.

 

That said, I guess the more I think about it, the more I agree with what everybody here is telling me:

 

1. I need to call her.

2. It should be sooner rather than later.

3. If she still loves me (as I'm hoping she does), having all these things completely straightened out won't REALLY matter. What really does matter is how SHE feels.

4. When I re-initiate contact, I should be fairly upfront with her about how I feel and my intentions.

 

The sum of these 4 conclusions brings up a couple more pragmatic questions though:

 

What should I say when we FIRST talk on the phone? Should I just ask how's she's been and be a little casual, feeling things out, and then if it feels right, go for broke and spill the beans on everything I've been thinking? Or perhaps I should start by calling her a 3-5 times total over the next 2-3 weeks? And then, once I've established myself in her thoughts again, ask to meet her for coffee or lunch?

 

Moreover, in spite of these questions, I know that the consensus here is to wait less, call sooner, and be more upfront able how I feel. So maybe the real question I have is just whether I should spill the beans on the phone, or in person -- Suppose I call her in 1 week and tell her I've been thinking about her, tell her I've been missing her, tell her I'd like to see her again since it's been SOOOO long. We could meet for coffee the next day or something. Maybe next Saturday we could go for a walk in the central park or something -- would that be a better time to tell her how I've REALLY been feeling?

 

Please give me some concrete input on what to say and how and where. THANK YOU!!!

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Quit analyzing! Don't think up any speeches, let it flow naturally. Call her and catch up then near the end invite her out. Don't spill the beans on the phone, you've got to see her in person and feel the situation out. Maybe go out a few times before you tell her all the feelings so you don't scare her.

 

That's what I think anyway...

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Quit analyzing! Don't think up any speeches, let it flow naturally. Call her and catch up then near the end invite her out. Don't spill the beans on the phone, you've got to see her in person and feel the situation out. Maybe go out a few times before you tell her all the feelings so you don't scare her.

 

That's what I think anyway...

 

Thanks adviseseeker. I think that's good advise. I def don't need to think up any speeches and my inclination was already to do more of the tell all in person. I can't even begin to tell all of you the complex, excited, and don't-know-what-to-expect feelings that I can already feel, anticipating actually seeing her again. It's been SOOO long since we even talked, and to see her again, wow. I kind of feel like it'll be an ocean of waves flowing over us. I don't know that it means we'll want to get back into bed together - figuratively and literally - but I definitely need some closure to these feelings I've been having lately. Specifically, I know waiting a week or so is the right decision. Calling her can VERY easily lead into a STRONG relationship again (a LARGE part of me is ecstatic about this), but accordingly, I think I need to be carefully and decide that this is absolutely what I want to try to pursue. I don't want to cause both of us more pain unnecessarily.

 

Nope, call her up right away and spill the beans. There is no point in sugar coating it and do NOT wait any longer. Just call her up and tell her how you feel. She may have been WAITING and HOPING for you to do just this.

 

While I like your gung-ho additude, AlwayzRight, I'm not sure I should do this in such a rash way. It's been 7 months, I really can't imagine that 1-2 more weeks passing will significantly changes how she responds to me when I call her. I guess you never know though, but at the very least I need another week to think about it. This is a huge move in my mind, and it's something that isn't a snap decision for me. I agree and I will call, but soon, not imediately. At least that's what I'm thinking now. Tell me different if you think so, but tell me why. I can't find a reason a week more will hurt my chances at all. And I think it's fairly important from my side.

 

Why you have to think too much ??? Just call her and say what you feel.. then you would know her feeling as well..

 

it happened with me and my boyfriend as well, we even live in different zone, 4 hrs diff, not 4hrs drive !

 

Girl2803, thank you so much for your words. I think they really hit home. I AM thinking about this too much. As soon as I call her, I'll know 100% better how she is feeling and a lot of all this discussion we're having is a moot point. In regards to your situation, if you wouldn't mind sharing, what do you mean by "it happened with and boyfriend as well"? The break? The months afterwards without talking? Can you elaborate a bit? It'd be a huge help.

 

-------------------------------

 

One things is definitely true. I need to call her soon and see her again soon thereafter, and resolve these intense feelings of missing her. This could mean getting back together. This could mean simply talking to her and seeing how she's been doing and becoming LC instead of NC, moving toward friendship. But whether we're married soon or just friends, I want to move forward with our 'relationship' on good terms. I need to call and I will. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes.

 

I'm going to try and do some soul searching this weekend. I'll let you know how that goes.

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Thanks again everybody. I did some thinking this weekend, and I still feel like I want to call her. I think part of the real reason I am hesitant is because when I was with GF, I used to 'complain' about her a lot to my friends and family (or rather, I used to talk a lot about whether I might want to break up with her). I feel like the people in my life might be in some way disapproving of my choice.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not concerned with what they think of me. The reason I think this is relevant is that if they think I'm making a poor decision to go back to GF so soon, does that mean I am ACTUALLY making a poor decision? I greatly value the option of my father, brother, friends, etc. Knowing my situation thoroughly, I think that their consensus would be for me not to call GF. But * * * , were does that leave me? I guess I should just f*$% their opinions and do what feels right to my heart.

 

So now that I've pretty much definitively decided that I'm going to call her within a few days or a week or so at most, I'm starting to think about what I might say. I want to give you some of my thoughts of the matter and get some feedback on it.

 

Thoughts:

1. How can she accept me back into her busy life? She works 80+hrs/week and has lots of friends and loves to go out and stuff. Sometimes I question how she would make time for me again -- I stepped out of the picture before she made the transition from college to living on her own in the city with a new job. Would she want to make time for me?

 

2. Assuming I call her and part of her wants to get back together with me -- how can she explain our re-union to her close friends and family? To them (and I know also to her), it feels like I totally walked away from everything, abandoned her, and broke her heart. I don't know how she'd justify getting back together with me to them. I think the majority of those people would tell her that she should be careful in thinking if she'd really should even consider taking me back. (---It's ironic, really. I broke up with her, and now I'M the one left wondering if SHE'D take ME back...lol)

 

3. What do I tell GF if she asks if I've been with anybody while we've been apart? Tell her I don't want to talk about that now. Tell her exactly the truth (that I slept with 2 girls, kissed a couple, and very casually dated another one for 5 months)? That doesn't seem prudent. I guess avoid the topic if at all possible and then just in general I should let the news fall as gently as possible.

 

Well, I guess that's it for now. Any thoughts about my thoughts? Or other comments? Any input is so greatly appreciated.

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